Please note that after today I'll be gone (from this blog, anyway) until Tuesday, May 26th, at which point I will resume regular updates.
Oh, relax. You'll manage.
By the way, while all the letters on that Hello Kitty calendar look somewhat obscene (I think it's the little hairs), I probably should have censored that "A" because it's particularly suggestive:
Then again, I may just be particularly suggestible.
Anyway, when I decided to become a semi-professional bike blogger I clearly went into the wrong business. Sure, I've got a cushy contract with myself that allows me to take time off whenever I need it, but I've got nothing on this guy who takes Freds riding around New York City for money:
This is a lucrative niche, because everybody knows Freds get incredibly antsy when they don't have ready access to plastic bikes, electronic gadgetry, and sickly-sweet boutique energy fuel:
He found early success by making riding easy for visitors. Customers can go to his website and choose from six routes based on their fitness and available time. After they add their frame measurements and book a time, Phillips shows up at their hotel lobby with a bike and leads them on their selected rides so they don't have to worry about missing a turn or getting lost.
Phillips uses a fleet of BMC bikes and provides helmets from Giro. Customers also can choose Look Keo, Shimano Dura Ace, or Speedplay pedals; recieve a Garmin 800 to use; and the bikes even come with bottles filled with Skratch labs.
This is a great service for people who would rather dork out on a loaner bike in New Jersey than spend time experiencing one of the greatest cities in the world with the person to whom they made a lifelong vow:
Last August he launched The Domestique and has been catering to a variety of New York City visitors. “I work with a lot of executives in the city on business, people on vacation, and husbands attempting to get out of carrying their wives’ shopping bags,” Phillips said.
Assholes, in other words.
If this guy adds a divorce attorney component to his business I predict it will go public by the end of the year.
Still, if he can get upwards of $250 just to take people out on River Road then he's doing something right:
The 40-mile River Road option is the most popular, but Phillips’ favorite ride is the hilly 90-mile Bear Mountain option. The service costs between $250 and $450, depending on the route.
Either that, or he's simply a prostitute, which would explain why these guys can't wait to ditch their wives.
Anyway, I headed over to his website, where I watched this video:
Which seems to be an advertisement for both his services and this $250 jacket:
Sure enough, his routes include all the standard-issue New York City area Fred rides, including three (3) laps of Central Park:
If this guy is getting paid to take people for rides around Central Park then that's just fucking incredible.
Meanwhile, schmuck that I am, I'll be "curating" a ride for free at the BSNYC Gran Fondon't this weekend, and yesterday afternoon I headed out to "preview" the route:
The course is lovely, but I don't have much confidence in the ride leader.
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you're better than everybody, and if you're wrong you'll see helme(n)ts.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and I'll see you back here on Tuesday, May 26th.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
(Race organizers generally spread sawdust out on the course after Cipollini comes through.)
1) Giro d'Italia maglia rosa Alberto Contador was injured in a crash caused by:
--An overenthusiastic fixie rider
--An amateur photographer with a long zoom lens
--A triathlete
--A grease slick left by the preternaturally unctuous Mario Cipollini
(Ask your soigneur for smooth, crisp, refreshing AmgenⓇ brand Erythropoietin. Because if it ain't AmgenⓇ it ain't EPO.)
2) Tour of California organizers have relocated the time trial due to:
--Snow
--Rain
--Drought
--Tech company employee luxury coaches
3) Which is not one of the ways you're completely destroying your bike according to the alarmists at Bicycling?
--Failing to wash it, which will result in sugar from your energy drinks eating away at your bottom bracket
--Using too much chain lube, because lube is the silent killer
--Not changing your handlebar tape, which will cause your bars to disintegrate
--Riding the bicycle, which will cause excessive wear and tear
4) Not to be outdone, Lennard Zinn says flatulence can cause your saddle to deteriorate.
--True
--False
5) In addition to National Bike Month, May is also:
--National Electrical Safety Month
--National Golf Month
--National Masturbation Month
--All of the above
--True
--False
7) New York City's next batch of Citi Bikes will be designed by:
--Ben Serotta
--Dario Pegoretti
--David Byrne
--Paul Budnitz
***Special "When Scooterists Attack!"-Themed Bonus Video***
309 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 201 – 309 of 309What's the deal with driver's laying on the damn horn as they execute an overtake EVEN WHEN THERE IS AN 8 FT SHOULDER that I am on? I have responded with 3 consecutive bird flippings because I am not very mature. We got a bonus yesterday though because a few miles up the road the Mustang GT was broken down on the side of the road.
Need to remember
Hiakus are like bicycles
Simple works the best
Those angry drivers
Cannot take your bike pleasure
Unless you help them
Shucks, those terrorists
Honking horns like addled geese
Just hate our freedom.
Not about the bike
Ego Fame power money
Sponsors drugs cheating
Not about the bike
About Babble
Doing Strava selfies
With Sweaty jersey
Partially unzipped
All about the ride
Sweating hard on summer days
And free the nipple
sweat drips off nipples
but not on this freakishly
frigid May morning
I'm not a robot
I am a human being
or so they tell me
5
7
5
dave
i'm with you. pretty sure the bikely is staying in the stable this day. considering turning the heat on in the house.
maybe today is the day to wander down the road and check out hitch racks for the new dino eater.
ripping the bong hard
cranking on the bike all night long
chain falls off first ride
Babble has a tire. Ha ha, she's getting off self depreciating lines now that are as funny as Snob.
strange, not a stranger
hey you might need a raincoat
transportation's here
Snobbydoobydoo is my hero. And nobody is as self deprecatingly funny as he is! But thank you kindly - you guys rock. :)
Spokey - Thanks. I might just register for the criterium, for the TT, or maybe for both. If it's not too late. And I am committed to a safe season, but if ever the worst happens, you do realize that it's complely and absolutely cause I am a crash test dummy. No guilt allowed.
And wise old one? Lol! Well, of course you realise I only post the flattering photos. Twelve pounds. I climb best when I am twelve pounds lighter than today. Any more than that and I start to lose muscle, and thus power.
Sorry about your mid May winter, peeps. The polar vortex has become a permanent feature on the North American landscape, because climate change has changed the shape of the jet stream from a gentle longitudinal wave to a deep wave with transverse characteristics that bring cold air masses down from the north. That is the cause of the California drought which has now reached Washington State and even southern BC.
Sorry, but we'd best get used to it. It is here to stay.
Uma,
Immediate tongue palping session required.
http://www.theonion.com/article/self-deprecating-man-just-scratching-surface-how-p-50454
Her fudge tunnel winks seductively
Only this once because I am drunk
Clinched sheets from throbbing meat
Sleeping Soundly
Dreaming of you
Pup-tented
http://www.theguardian.com/cities/2015/may/18/welcome-to-fear-city-the-inside-story-of-new-yorks-civil-war-40-years-on
Wow - talk about faulty logic - a Wisconsin bike to charge 25 dollars tax on every new bike sold because - cyclists don't pay their fair share of road taxes. I own three cars and 5 bikes. I pay taxes.
http://www.bizjournals.com/milwaukee/news/2015/05/21/trek-wheel-sprocket-leaders-gear-up-opposition-to.html
cycle
That's bill not bike. I know I type without spell checking.
cycle
bike alarm? why not...
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1103444639/the-chirp-bicycle-alarm?ref=nav_search
I, for one, welcome our new Polar Vortex overlord.
A day without running the air conditioner:
Is like getting a bonus
Reduces electrical demand on the Southeastern grid
Coal fired plants reduce emissions
etc.
But I can see the not so good results everywhere else
@bama - its 91 and sunny here in FL today, please share some of that chilly air. thanks.
Back when I was a kid we always had a Polar Vortex, and we LIKED it - hrmmph - kids today are such pussies
Interesting article! Your very good at writing!
Greg
What can I say Mr Bateman, it's 69 degrees, overcast, a 12 mph wind from the nw, and I'm lovin it.
Maybe tomorrow for you, cause it has been hot as balls.
I hear BSNYC is writing a book. Right at this very moment.
It deals with Tour de Blog commenteratti who are major Podium Whores!
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! LIVE WITH IT!
So I said "Schrader prophylactic or Presta?" She said " Midnight Special $99.99!
So She said "Is that a pencil in your bib shorts or are you just happy to see me?"
Anonymous @ 2:42 PM
They are just plain wrong. All someone needs to do is to look at the DOT tables. Less than 1/2 of road funding is paid for by all the motor vehicle usage fees, gas taxes, etc. Even if I don't have any cars, I'll bet the 5% that just my property taxes pays is more than the cost incurred by my bicycle.
They used to show gas tax revenues but I don't see it since they redid their site although it's probably somewhere. But historically it used to run about 1/3 of the revenues. The other 15% or so was licensing, registrations, tolls, etc.
heh, heh, heh. Snuck this one by. i Robot not Susan Calvin
My Gran Fondon’t Ride Report:
How I totally crushed the Lantern Rouge Competition
By leroy
The first half of the Gran Fondon’t was a lovely Spring day, the rain held off, the sun came out, I rode trails and roads I’d been meaning to ride, but never had, and hung out with like-minded folks, having a good time.
All the while, I secretly scouted my competition for the coveted Lantern Rouge award. My biggest threat was Mr. vsk once the guy on the Brompton folded. (Oh like I’m the first to make that pun.)
It was a good day, but not yet a “like whoa dude, totally epic day.”
In order to make this epic, I took a wrong turn on the well-marked OCA trail, leading Mr. vsk up a gravel hill and onto a more gravelly ridge. It was scenic, but when we got to a large tree that had fallen across the trail, we figured this couldn't have been what Mr. BSNYC planned.
Mr. vsk and I re-traced our tracks to the OCA trail and got back on course.
Getting better, but still not full on “like bro, that was like sooo epic.”
So I pursued the fool notion that the ride was heading to the Croton Dam and got directions from a fat tire cyclist who gave Mr. vsk and me a great route to the Dam if only we were on fat tires, ATVs, or those things the Ewoks rode in Star Wars.
Mr. vsk wisely decamped for the local railway station and I rambled along a nice road through Ossining after which I got a Twitter message from the Gran Fondon’t ride leader, informing me that the ride had long since turned south, heading back to NYC.
The actual message was “You went to Ossining”; the “, schmuck?” at the end of the message was implied.
Mr. BSNYC suggested all I need do was find the North County Trail, then find the South County Trail, and head back to the City.
Epic!
I’ve always meant to ride the North and South County Trails, but never gotten around to it. Probably because I could never find them.
By this time, my dog heard from my better half that I was lost on a ride again. He texted directions to a quaint Bed & Breakfast if I wished to spend the evening in Ossining. But frankly, I wouldn't trust any B&B whose moniker aimed for, but missed, an homage to Louis Prima/Benny Goodman. Honestly, the song is "Sing, Sing, Sing," not "Sing Sing." Everyone knows that.
So I meandered west and, after some crossing and re-crossing, picked up the North County Trail.
Five minutes later, I latched onto a couple heading south, one of whom was wearing a kit with the word "Brooklyn" on it. I figured they'd know the way home. They graciously invited me to join them.
When we stopped for water between the North and South County trails (where I certainly would have gotten lost again), it turned out one of my guides knew my dog. Small world. Fortunately, my dog didn’t owe him money.
But for Dave and his wife, my dog would have had to borrow Mr. BSNYC's Hyundai to fetch me. I have no idea how he drives while hanging his head out the window with his tongue flapping in the breeze. As for my dog, I know how he drives: Poorly.
Back in Brooklyn my dog suggested that the Gran Fondon’t Lantern Rouge award was not worth fiercely contesting for. So I showed him a photo Mr. BSNYC snapped of a pet spa service back in The Bronx.
Told him I won a gift certificate. That shut him up. (I mean my dog, not Mr. BSNYC.)
Well of course there’s no gift certificate. But my dog doesn’t know that.
He’s been
apologizing and laying low the past few days.
Quick someone call me a dentist
You're quite a wit Leroy, that was an outstanding report. Yes, I too would have passed on the invitation fo spend the night in the Ossining Correctional Facility. I would rather sleep under the bridge. Of course the night would be spent guarding my cardboard box, or worse, so sleep would be in short supply anyway.
The Dog may not look good in lavender but has he considered a nice shade of fuschia?
2 important updates:
1st - finally got around to watching the scooter rage video - the scooter still has no pedals
2nd - dangling ball sack light has reached 400% of funding
frankly i expected leroy's dog on the fondont and thought we would get a factual report based in reality instead of some star wars fantasy.
Thanks for the report Leroy.
Sounds like the ride leader didn't give out very good directions.
Snobby not needed
Comments are true attraction
Continue for maximum joy
Spokey, et al.,
Hitch racks? I'm looking for a hitch rack!
I want a 4-biker, platform style rack. Any suggestions?
Sure the Küat and 1up racks are sweet, but if I'm going to drop $1k on a rack, I'd rather just buy another bike.
I saw the Yakima Four Timer that looked decent and reasonably priced (~$500).
I got drawn for a Kuat rack at a cyclocross race once but honey had get back home for early early work the next day so unfortunately we left early. To add insult to injury they drew Jr.'s name after they drew mine. In the meantime I am still using my $39 Harbor Freight POS Series. It's been welded and welded some more.
JB
keep us up to date. or at least me. i just brought home a new dino eater (sluggo's maxima is dying so the camry that i own with drum breaks is moving from snobbie's hemorrhoids to steve bilenky's hemorrhoids). the new one is higher and i'm older so i'm leaning towards a hitch rack meself. gots to get the receiver first though.
thule has some hitch racks too. i looked at yakima briefly but it looked like thule had more variety. most seem to fit both 1 1/4 or 2 inch receivers. it looks like they are really 1 1/4 and come with an adapter. but yeah, these babies are pricey. i'm looking to drop > $1K (receiver & rack) before i'm done.
from reading forums, the receiver length vs rack length can be an issue where the rack may be too close to the bumper to fit in properly. it's all confusing. i'm probably going to spend the extra money to have the dealer install the receiver and go to a bike shop (rather than buying off amazon or something) for the rack.
two that I'm looking at are:
http://www.thule.com/en-us/us/products/carriers-and-racks/bike-carriers/hitch-mounted-bike-carriers/thule-vertex-9029xt-_-1686828
i think this one looks better:
http://www.thule.com/en-us/us/products/carriers-and-racks/bike-carriers/hitch-mounted-bike-carriers/thule-vertex-swing-away-9031xt-_-1686826
i like the idea of swing out for access rather than swinging down which usually requires removing the bieks. but it is only a 2 inch.
DB -- problem wasn't ride leader. My dog says oxygen depletion affected my judgment.
But now that I think of it, there was a course Marshall who looked vaguely familiar. Couldn't quite tell because he was wearing Oakleys.
https://twitter.com/leroys_dog/status/598902142464872448
sorry jb
didn't read your post carefully enough. neither of those are platform
thule doesn't have any platform racks for 4 bikes. I'm expecting to get the hanging type. I have a yakima king joe for spousy's car (trunk mount) that hangs like the hitch types and the bikes don't bang if you connect the down tube to the stabilizer.
Spokey - my dog says those Star Wars bikes are real. He has the prototype .
Racks.
Spokey - I have a few years old version of the swinging Thule. It weighs a fuckton, and the locking pin for the swing arm is a little tricky to get to without banging into grimy bike bits, but otherwise it worked very well
UNTIL someone apparently hit it with their car/truck within the past few weeks (or my bride backed it into an immovable object and isn't saying so)
- it is now bent to the point that the locking pin will not release. It still holds bikes just fine, but to get to the tail gate I now need to remove the rack (see fuckton above). I think it should be able to be bent back, but I do not want to use my vehicle as a device for doing so, and I do not have a bench vise big enough to hold the fuckton.
I once had UHaul install a rack - much cheaper than the dealer (and apparently it is not a very difficult DIY if the vehicle is predrilled)
Oh yea, and I prefer these Racks
And of course the prior post is NSFW, etc
JLRB
near as i can tell all hitch racks weigh a ton. the current version is listed on amazon at 38lbs. maybe yours is heavier but that's lighter than others i've looked at. i have a sense of the weight as the bags of salt for the water softener are 40lb.
i've known a couple people who had good experience with u-haul hitches. i've also read on forums about people who had their frames drilled so that the installer didn't have to disassemble bumpers, lights, etc. i considered a prius v but toyota says it doesn't recommend a hitch even for a bike rack although there are plenty of ready made bolt on hitches for it. that and a couple other issues moved me over to an outback.
some of those racks musta been photoshopped. can't possibly be real.
LOL!! Oh Leroy, that was a hoot. Heh heh... :D
There once was a blogger named Wildcats
Who sometimes gave away bike hats
But long vacations he took
Commenistas still look
Each day ‘till he came back at last
This
Moscow, as in Russia
Man that hurt
cyclist's fault. the helment straps were obviously incorrectly adjusted.
vsk said ...
Dang! I am sooo slow to catch on. I had no idear I was competing with a LEGEND!
I should have turned both red lights on on my RandaNUwah as we would say in Brooklyn.
I just buy crappy bikes that I can stuff in the trunk of my old old 500 SEC Benz, or open up the convertible CLK broomwagen and tell everyone else to GET OUT I'm bikin ova heeeya.
I had a really great time, if I didn't convey that already. Like Clint Eastwood said, "A man's GOT to know his limitations."
The conductor on my Metro North train was a doll.
If I tried to ride back I would have been totally finished for the whole day. That was no slouchy ride up north. I was also quite focused on the terrain so as not to get a nasty wheel deviation and mess up my shoulder as I was not wearing a helment and not wearing one opens you up to broken hips etc.
I am still in awe of the Raleigh 3 Speed guy. I think that was a hub motor with Sturmey Archer painted on.
vsk
That is Moscow? Beautiful day for a dooring.
Spokey - Some of those enhanced racks could hold a few bikes...
After the break in Tarrytown, the group moved pretty quickly on the OCA, leaving the trail in Scarborough, not far from Sleepy Hollow CC. I can imagine Leroy coming out of the woods, where the trail runs on the road for a bit & taking that steep descent towards the river...separation from the group, just up the hill & over Rt 9 would have been instant
As it was, we tacked back through pocantico & eastview to the county trails, by the tarrytown reservoir. The route took us within a quarter mile of my house, where I would have loved to scare my family, on their as yet morning routine; unfortunately, I was dropped on the hills on sleepy hollow road & by the time I made it to the main group half the pack had passed my house.
****NEWSFLASH****
Velo Blogger extraordinaire BSNYC was arrested at a Scarborough, Maine Lobster Pound and charged with attempting to breed outside of his species.
Here is a weird rack shot
So did Leslie Howard 'mail it in' when he made GWTW, or was it merely an accurate portrayal of Ashleigh Wilkes for the Lame Douchebag he was?
Hey, Leroy and other New Amsterdamers:
The Mrs. and I are coming to your city July 2-6. I will not be swimming in your rivers, so you are free to pee and whatever else you contribute into the waterways this year.
What side of Manhattan should we stay to see fireworks? I'm planning a rooftop viewing this year.
Thank you in advance. Are they always on the Hudson side?
PS: I was trying to think of the coolest thing I've ever done in my many years and it was bumming a Marlboro from Eric Clapton at the Ritz Carlton in Chicago. I can't top that.
What an incredible coincidence. I once bummed a Carlton from a transvestite named Eric at the Ritz in Chicago and wound up with the Clap. I can't top that.
JLRB, honey? Breastfeeding is normal. Finding breasts taboo somehow? That's weird.
I bummed a Ritz cracker from Eric the Chamferer and got the Clap from a babe I banged while she was nursing ME!
Once a teat man always a teat man, mon.
Also weird, is a propensity for incessant comments.
that's what we do here anon. (in a ren and stimpy city worker type voice)
Vlad, you commies always pull to the left, bike pedals are non-political so it's ok to pull to the right sometimes, if you catch my thread.
I'll tell you what's weird, it's that whole 'I before E except after C' thing.
JLRB-
I wonder if she's represented by the ford agency. Her son certainly likes his 'Model T'
All kidding aside, with so many anorectic models on the runway & in front of the camera, it's nice to be assured that some can lactate.
Also weird, are goddam canucks, obviously.
semi-professional bike blogger? its Great
TEATS! The greatest invention known to man! Mon!
I have never been a slogan for any product
"It sure is nice out ...
Think I'll leave it out*!
*insert rim shot sound effect
Well, things around here are swirling around the porcelain pond and drawing to their obvious demise. And yet, we have three more days before Snobbers comes back with more of his inane, irrelevant observations. I am going over to the other blog and ogle bab's spare tire.
'twas a great day for the flatulence propelled vehicle. didn't get run over or even threatened. and the weather was fantastic too.
Is that a jumbuck in your tuckerbag, or are you just glad to see me?
Babs - fear not - I am not against the natural wonder drug of breast feeding - 'twas an attempt at humor - but whenever that needs to be explained the best explanation is - nevermind
And the truth is, I was happy to see it. Just a bit of a prickly nitpick, it seems. But cheers. That was a lovely feast for the eyes.
Old Cyclist - thanks. I was just putting together another, though it'll have to wait whilst Fredlier matters take precedence. One thing: pretty sure he's absolutely relevant, our Snobi Wan, how ever irreverant he may be. And you see? Still nitpicking...
My motto for this Memorial Day weekend? Black out with your sack out!
I love looking at tits.
Mamory memory weekend
Feeling worse and worse that I missed the GFD. Darn GF.
Scranus
hot tuna, water song
something soothing.
Triple Century within reach.
Book your irctc tickets in less than 30 seconds now. https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/most-easy-and-quick-irctc/hjddcpdfgjbbihdknfpmcjmighmlnjob This save your IRCTC form data even If you close the browser and also, It fills up all details including username and password. You can book your IRCTC tickets in less than 30 seconds now, Guaranteed.
Lining up for the triple century sprint
I'm tired of selecting bread, soup, sushi, cake, pizza, pasta.
Did I leave any out?
I like the old address signs
I forgot Ice Cream
I had a hunch that WCRM-RTMS, etc. would have blogulated and been out the door early today. Is it still Fleet Week?
Basho said, a flute without a hole, is not a flute
and a donut without a hole is a danish
do I look like a robot?
I mean, so what if I was/were?
it's always fleet week on the enema ward
I am not a wrench
on your mark
on your luke
leave me alone, I'm on the john
almost
premature 300
ultegra triple century
woo hoo hoo hoo
ultegra triple century
what is bread? is a hamburger a sandwich? so many things to choose. (sighs)
DOP - thanks for the lead out - tough to time the sprint with the new robot screen
the first 5 only needed a check in the box. nice sprint jlrb
vsk said ...
DB - I have heard The Fireworks will be over the East River this year. I'll try to get the boat up by Govnor's Island. Just nice over there, away from the maniacs.
Coney Island has a nice fireworks display off the beach every Friday night July + August.
Have a great visit!
vsk
Damn, flatted before the lead out and missed the sprint.
Nice work, guys. Congrats the winner, it was a photo finish.
Now it's sandwiches. Don't get me started what with all I ate this past week.
The captcha ought to tells us to select all the little piggies. A little fat shaming never hurt my feelings.
I ordered these cycling bike pants from Bizarkdeal for my brother who is an avid bicyclist! They fit great, he said they are super comfortable, and the best part is they are quick to dry, unlike some other cycling suits he has tried! Highly recommend these!
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