This Wednesday has been optimized for maximum power transfer.

Happy National Grammar Day!

(It's spelled "Beyonce," idiot.)

Grammar is constantly evolving so I'm not sure why people are so obsessed with strict adherence to grammatical rules, though if you want to clench up your sphincter and be a "Language Fred" then that's up to you.

Frankly, I'm much more excited about National Passive Voice Day next week:

(Should be "Rats Attacked The City Baby.")

It's a celebration not to be missed.

National Mixed Metaphor Week is also a lot of fun, but by the end you tend to get burned out from flogging a dead horse since the metaphors can become strained and it's like trying to get blood from a stone.

In fact, sometimes I'm so tired afterwards I have no energy left for National Run-On Sentence Day.

Anyway, I'd much rather use my energy to scout out a route for the BSNYC Gran Fondon't:

In fact, I went for a ride yesterday, but there's still too much goddamn snow to do proper reconnaissance:

Not like it's stopping Boris Bike Guy.

Nothing stops Boris bike Guy.

Anyway, if we do the BSNYC Gran Fondon't, naturally we'll time it to coincide with the Gran Fondo New York, but we'll do it on the opposite side of the river.  Here's when the GFNY happens:

By the way, speaking of National Grammar Day, they really ought to edit that countdown clock for accuracy:

And here is the countdown clock for the BSNYC Gran Fondon't:

Click here to download it to your smartphone.

Finally, the last thing I'll say about the BSNYC Gran Fondon't (which may or may not happen) for the moment is that the only rule will be NO GODDAMN STRAVA:

You want to Strava, go ride with this guy:

Just be ready to help him inflate his tires beforehand.

And if I wasn't busy enough not planning a non-event, now some TV production company wants me to do their casting for them:

Hi Bike Snob,

I'm writing from a British Television production company, Wild Blue Media.

We're looking for six highly competitive, speed junkies to take part in an adventure of a lifetime. They'll be filmed as they travel the world taking on locals in an amazing and diverse array of speed events from Yak riding in remote Mongolia to drag racing in Africa?

We want men and women with real lives; all with a passion for speed - 18 or over. Over 12 months they'll need to commit to a minimum of 13 trips to various remote and amazing destinations with all expenses paid.

We'd like to feature a NYC courier /fixie rider in the mix so hoped you could help us connect with the right people and spread the word on your site / FB / Twitter page and share our flyer.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Nick 
​
casting@wildbluemedia.tv

First of all..."speed junkie?"

(Ah, I see the difference.  He shaved his mustache.  Looks better actually.)

Secondly, it's 2015 for chrissake!  Do people still think there's life in this bike courier stereotype?!?  Did "Premium Rush" not suck the last bit of saccharine "juice" out of that over-marketed sack of Capri Sun?

("If we get another stunt double about this high he can ride right under the truck without ducking.")

Still, I think I know a guy:

He'll ride the shit out of a yak, too.

Of course, if they're going to be racing through Africa they could always use Lucas Brunelle and his posse of rolling Zoolanders:

("Meow!")

Or, you know, the messenger who did the stunts in "Premium Rush:"

One thing's for sure though, which is that there's currently more film and TV work for messengers than actual messenger work.  If you've got dreams of stardom, why go the Tobias Fünke route and humiliate yourself by auditioning for roles?  Instead, max out your credit card at the Chrome store, get a job with one of the few remaining messenger companies, and just ride around New York City looking the part.  Dial in the image and you'll be riding a yak on a reality show in no time.

Or, if you really want to set yourself apart, skip the Chrome store and wear some high-fashion on-the-bike rainwear instead:


Meet the designer:

"I'm Emma Jorn, I'm a fashion designer."

You don't say.

I was in no way stunned to learn the woman dressed like a daisy was a fashion designer, but I admit this three-in-one tandem poncho did surprise me:

It's perfect for riding three abreast, which will get you either arrested or simply run over in most of the United States.  Yes, American drivers hate when cyclists ride two or more abreast, because then you're almost as wide as a car, and for a brief moment they experience what it's like for us when we're stuck behind their bloated gas-guzzling road-hogging pieces of crap.

Anyway, for inspiration, the designer went to Tokyo:

And then she combined what she saw there with "chic Nordic design tradition," which is another way of saying "black capes like you'd wear to a funeral:"

She does love you, though:

Hey, I can appreciate the sentiment.  It's about time someone hitting you up for money on Kickstarter was nice to you.  How come the guy who invented the electric fat bike never says he loves me?

Still, she's really stuck on this three-in-one tandem poncho thing, which could be a problem:

Though I suppose it's great if you attend a lot of funerals in the rain.

To that end, she wants your help:

Which of course you're more than welcome to give her, and she's certainly likable enough...though I think she should launch a new Kickstarter for that sweet shower bike!

That's one less excuse for poor hygiene.