Wednesday, March 4, 2015

This Wednesday has been optimized for maximum power transfer.

Happy National Grammar Day!



Grammar is constantly evolving so I'm not sure why people are so obsessed with strict adherence to grammatical rules, though if you want to clench up your sphincter and be a "Language Fred" then that's up to you.

Frankly, I'm much more excited about National Passive Voice Day next week:


(Should be "Rats Attacked The City Baby.")

It's a celebration not to be missed.

National Mixed Metaphor Week is also a lot of fun, but by the end you tend to get burned out from flogging a dead horse since the metaphors can become strained and it's like trying to get blood from a stone.

In fact, sometimes I'm so tired afterwards I have no energy left for National Run-On Sentence Day.

Anyway, I'd much rather use my energy to scout out a route for the BSNYC Gran Fondon't:



In fact, I went for a ride yesterday, but there's still too much goddamn snow to do proper reconnaissance:


Not like it's stopping Boris Bike Guy.

Nothing stops Boris bike Guy.

Anyway, if we do the BSNYC Gran Fondon't, naturally we'll time it to coincide with the Gran Fondo New York, but we'll do it on the opposite side of the river.  Here's when the GFNY happens:



By the way, speaking of National Grammar Day, they really ought to edit that countdown clock for accuracy:


And here is the countdown clock for the BSNYC Gran Fondon't:


Click here to download it to your smartphone.

Finally, the last thing I'll say about the BSNYC Gran Fondon't (which may or may not happen) for the moment is that the only rule will be NO GODDAMN STRAVA:


You want to Strava, go ride with this guy:


Just be ready to help him inflate his tires beforehand.

And if I wasn't busy enough not planning a non-event, now some TV production company wants me to do their casting for them:

Hi Bike Snob,

I'm writing from a British Television production company, Wild Blue Media.

We're looking for six highly competitive, speed junkies to take part in an adventure of a lifetime. They'll be filmed as they travel the world taking on locals in an amazing and diverse array of speed events from Yak riding in remote Mongolia to drag racing in Africa?

We want men and women with real lives; all with a passion for speed - 18 or over. Over 12 months they'll need to commit to a minimum of 13 trips to various remote and amazing destinations with all expenses paid.

We'd like to feature a NYC courier /fixie rider in the mix so hoped you could help us connect with the right people and spread the word on your site / FB / Twitter page and share our flyer.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Nick 

casting@wildbluemedia.tv



First of all..."speed junkie?"


(Ah, I see the difference.  He shaved his mustache.  Looks better actually.)

Secondly, it's 2015 for chrissake!  Do people still think there's life in this bike courier stereotype?!?  Did "Premium Rush" not suck the last bit of saccharine "juice" out of that over-marketed sack of Capri Sun?



Still, I think I know a guy:


He'll ride the shit out of a yak, too.

Of course, if they're going to be racing through Africa they could always use Lucas Brunelle and his posse of rolling Zoolanders:


("Meow!")

Or, you know, the messenger who did the stunts in "Premium Rush:"


One thing's for sure though, which is that there's currently more film and TV work for messengers than actual messenger work.  If you've got dreams of stardom, why go the Tobias F√ľnke route and humiliate yourself by auditioning for roles?  Instead, max out your credit card at the Chrome store, get a job with one of the few remaining messenger companies, and just ride around New York City looking the part.  Dial in the image and you'll be riding a yak on a reality show in no time.

Or, if you really want to set yourself apart, skip the Chrome store and wear some high-fashion on-the-bike rainwear instead:


Meet the designer:


"I'm Emma Jorn, I'm a fashion designer."

You don't say.

I was in no way stunned to learn the woman dressed like a daisy was a fashion designer, but I admit this three-in-one tandem poncho did surprise me:


It's perfect for riding three abreast, which will get you either arrested or simply run over in most of the United States.  Yes, American drivers hate when cyclists ride two or more abreast, because then you're almost as wide as a car, and for a brief moment they experience what it's like for us when we're stuck behind their bloated gas-guzzling road-hogging pieces of crap.

Anyway, for inspiration, the designer went to Tokyo:


And then she combined what she saw there with "chic Nordic design tradition," which is another way of saying "black capes like you'd wear to a funeral:"


She does love you, though:


Hey, I can appreciate the sentiment.  It's about time someone hitting you up for money on Kickstarter was nice to you.  How come the guy who invented the electric fat bike never says he loves me?


Still, she's really stuck on this three-in-one tandem poncho thing, which could be a problem:


Though I suppose it's great if you attend a lot of funerals in the rain.

To that end, she wants your help:


Which of course you're more than welcome to give her, and she's certainly likable enough...though I think she should launch a new Kickstarter for that sweet shower bike!


That's one less excuse for poor hygiene.

106 comments:

dop said...

podo

Anonymous said...

Podiodio

Anonymous said...

podiating?

Outta my way! said...

Hey!

dop said...

I think those ponchos would be perfect for group prancersizing

Anonymous said...

Read the whole thing and still in top 10!!!

JB said...

"Punk" album cover's two day's in a row? I don't even...

bannedforlife said...

TOP TEN!!

Daniel said...

I wish someone would invent a way for me to have a menage a trois in the rain.

ken e. said...

zoom!

Buffalo Bill said...

I like the douchebike.

McFly said...

I am more of a Language Triathlete.

I will break down your sentence structure then dissect your punctuation choice and finally as I am about to ridicule your thesis my tongue cramps up and I sound like a wounded seal mixed with a dying cow.

il Pirata est Mort said...

Last night I was two girls short of a threesome. *rimshot*

Anonymous said...

Top XV

PotbellyJoe said...

Just remember, sharing a poncho with someone is like sharing a poncho with everyone they have ever shared a poncho with.

NJRoadie said...

I have to give this post demerits because it did not use the term "scranus" once.

babble on said...

Oh! OHOHOHOHOHOH! Pick me! Pick me! I am a complete and utter speed junkie. 'member that post, waaaaaay back when, before I dreamt of getting my own UCI license, a piece called The Need for Speed. (No time to HTML you, but I will be back later.)

Um, and looks like it's time I got into the bike fashion design business, too. Because why aren't there any cleats for my six inch heels, hmmmmmm? And I promise, no figure covering black tent wear, nor hats which will either catch the wind and blow you over, or fly away without you. Promise. Wait. I wear a hat like that sometimes. Scratch that last bit.

Oh, and grammar shcmammer. Who needs it? Stellar post, snobbers. Lols...

Back in a flash. Or with a flash!

Love. Mmmmm. Big kiss. X

TBONE said...

How does The Snob find out about all these god forsaken Kickstarters? Does he troll through them, looking for the worst of the lot? Or does he have an intern for such tasks? Fredtern maybe?

bad boy of the north said...

Wow...top twenty!wating for the next round of ice and snow....stay warm,all...spring is around the corner.

Language Fred said...

Shouldn’t “And if I wasn't busy enough” more correctly be: “And if I weren’t busy enough”? Rapha!

crosspalms said...

If I do that speed thing, can I get a gravel-specific yak? I'd hate to die in Mongolia.

grog said...

Yak in Mongolia? No.
Gnu in Magnolia New Jersey. Yes.
Sign me up.

P. Bateman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dcee604 said...

Hmm, a shower bike. That's one way to keep testing the waterproofiness of my jacket.

le Correcteur said...

Just missed the top twenty, but that's cause I read it!

Fewer comments these days. It's like a once-famous race that's been delegated to third class, maybe.

But I hope not!

K-Bo said...

I took the KOM from that chimp, it only took me 10 seconds

trama said...

that speed junkie global crap sounds fun. I'd go, maybe 20 years ago. I watched a south asian water buffalo mud race once, the dudes tow-surfed small hardwood planks and the amount of mud spray and whooping and general mayhem was great. I'd like to watch some american fuktards get maimed doing that. Hell, I'd watch it twice.

P. Bateman said...

i love speed. wish i had a pile of blow on my desk now. hmmmm.....

her rain poncho just reminds me of Daniel son

http://motivationalsmartass.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/karate-kid-shower.jpg

Anonymous said...

Duder, you should totally do the Gran fondon't. Get your publisher Chronicle and a couple of your other sponsors to back it. You could probably get tens of participants. I personally would skip it as I'm anti-social and a bit of a lone-wolf. Unless Babble shows up, then I'm all over it. Although I expect that I would get quickly dropped from her pack so never mind, I will skip it. But you should do it anyway.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Recumbabe could certainly mount that bike shower on her recumbent. She wouldn't even need a poncho.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

fundont... please.

i mean... let's do it.

endo-king said...

The Fondon't going to happen. You know it will. Just do the Crit Mass 'there is no leader' spiel so you can sidestep the legal-litigation-types. I pre-apply for DFL. Plan on routes of 3, 5, and 10 miles. Also, you'll need a Merch table. You also need a gratuitous Husker Du mention.

Anonymous said...

I might be interested in the adventure thingy, depends on what type of yak. Road yak, mountain yak, or gravel yak? Better not be a folding yak, all the herders make fun of those.

Anonymous said...

Fondon't is my ride every day. I'd be in for Fondon't NYC, but I'm somewhat insistent on riding my bike to bike rides.

Maybe we should schedule a California Fondon't. There are plenty of potentially conflicting rides, like L'eroica California. (4/11 in Paso Robles.)

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

Drivers get mad if you ride one abreast or more.

vsk

BamaPhred said...

Yeah, who is the Yak riding? Hhhhmmmm? I think I'll pass, there's laws against that kind of thing. I will definately do the Fondon't, have your people call my people and work out the details. I have a negotiable appearance fee. I click on the just kidding everytime, I know it's coming, and it never gets old. And apparently penis pulling chimp does too, hey, quit saying we resemble one another!

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

I am totally in for the Fondon't.
Please don't set a course over dirt.

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

For the sake of avoiding a Speshialized style lawsuit, maybe your non-event could be a Petit Fondon't or Lesser Fondon't... or the Grander Fondon't.

I'm sure the same magnitude of ridership would present itself if you just called it the Snob Run.
Instead of numbers, the riders pin their favorite BSNYC Snob Quote to their frame and carry a musette full of smug mixed with sarc.

vsk

VOR said...

Mr. Bike Snob, I just watched a video about the rise in bike crashes in Holland. It claims that bicycle deaths are down 8% but bicycle crashes are up 40%. Apparently, more bicyclists are running into each other AND inanimate objects AND that there are ass holes (my words) who ride bicycles that fail to obey the rules (imagine that!) They believe the main problem though lies with children and old people riding on the paths and that their famous bike paths are too narrow. The Englishman who made the video thinks the Dutch have become unappreciative of what they have. The Dutch insist that the government needs to do more. Perhaps they could go to NYC for inspiration.

VOR said...

Mr. Bike Snob, doesn't the legal right of bicyclists to "share the road" let governments off the hook for improving bicycle infrastructure? If we want protected paths and lanes they can say "ride on the street." If bicyclists want a safe place for the elderly and children to ride they can say "go to Holland" (no wait, the elderly and children are causing accidents in Holland). Just a thought.

March 4, 2015 at 12:27 PM

bad boy of the north said...

Oops!my bad...speaking of national grammar day....i meant...waiting.darn it.anyway.....did i hear there was a flash from babble?

1904 Cadardi said...

Shouldn't Boris Bike Guy have his knees covered? With that much snow on the ground the temperature has to be below 60. Wasn't that the rule, under 60, cover the knees? Kids these days.

I'm up for a Gran Fon-really-don't where we all separately get together and ride by ourselves wherever the hell we want. Who's (not) with me?

crosspalms said...

Isn't Beyone in New Jersey?

CommieCanuck said...

"The Interview" was a pretty awful movie, but it had one great line:

Jong-un, "That tank was given to my father by Stalin"

Dave Skylark, "ha ha, no, it's pronounced Stallone"

The rest was shit.

CommieCanuck said...

Snob, sign me up, I'm a speed junkie!

(you mean heroin, right?)

JB said...

Snob, the snowy trail doesn't look ride-able on your skinny tire steed.

Heroin is speed up in America's bouffant? Hmm..

P. Bateman said...

i'm sad to announce i'll be getting a divorce. good news for any single gals with an oversized "bottom brackets" is that i'm now single.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2979363/Nigerian-woman-files-divorce-husband-s-penis-big.html

televisionWriter said...

What?!?

The Interview had a bunch of funny lines and some good funny ideas, but no time to develop any of it.

The pitch that got it made was, "it's a movie for people who watch Jon Stewart." and it is to a point.

The end was exactly to formula, and too long.

How about making a movie about making the sequel to The Interview. Funny stuff.

Anonymous said...

Hard Hat Is Required = Hard Hat's Required....
it's proper....

DB said...

The Only date I can't make the Fondon't would be May 17 due to wedding anniversary/wife's birthday.
Try one of the other 364 days, please.
If that's the date, take lots of pictures.

Paul Thober said...

I'm down w/Fondon't. What will the jersey design be?

PotbellyJoe said...

Fondon't Jersey idea...

"GOD HATES FREDS"

PotbellyJoe said...

or

LOB
HATES
FREDS

Free the Chimp said...

1904 is onto something. We magic marker BSNYC
GRAN
FONDO'T on the front of a white t shirt, free hand AYHSMB logo on back, rip off the sleeves and individually ride where we want, how we want, on what we want, and with what we want. As a bonus I'm getting pud-pullin Chimp and pulling him around town in a Bob trailer. Just kidding, of course I won't. Animal Cruelty and such.

CommieCanuck said...

I thought Grand Fondo was that almond flavored stuff they put on wedding cakes.

CommieCanuck said...

"GOD HATES FREDS"

We need a version for atheists and other heathen.

"NOTHING HATES FREDS"

PotbellyJoe said...

http://www.voler.com/SCDesignPreview/li/23772

It's simple. But I'm at work so deal.

Mr. Pedantic said...

http://www.voler.com/SCDesignPreview/li/23772

I get it, one of those self-reference things.

Anonymous said...

Hard Hat Is Required = Hard Hat's Required....
it's proper....


Keep reading there Mr.proper, it will come to you...

BamaPhred said...

The pud pullin chimp image won't leave my mind. Perhaps it could become a stock image? Like insert it next to lectures on dick breaks, power meters, Starva, pro peloton talk, inane commenting by yours truly.....

Anonymous said...

One "fewer" excuses for poor hygiene.

CommieCanuck said...

Sign should read, "Healments Required"

Morans.

Anonymous said...

FRED HATES G*D ...

But really, really digs fellow Fred's who reside inside the Fred Trangle.

livingjetlag said...

When is Boris Bike Guy going to get a name? He's an everyday character at this point, and he's at least as deserving as Bret. Much better attitude, that's for certain.

bieks said...

Have hamlet, will fondon't. Signed up for Stravan't and ready to roll.

bieks said...

livingjetlag - or is Boris Bike Guy too awesome for a name. His imperviousness to cold has become the stuff of legend.

crosspalms said...

Potbelly Joe,
Nice! If you do the same thing at CafePress, we can all get matching thongs, too.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

P.Bateman,

...welcome to the club. Rejoice, for it only gets better. Now you may chose any bottom bracket from dozens of different standards.

... marriage is a larvae stage for true happiness ...

PotbellyJoe said...

If we went in thongs, I would have to shave higher.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Oh hell yeah...Grand Fondon't, Gnu Yak!

Anonymous said...

Tandem is two, one behind the other. Not three, not abreast.

Three abreast in thongs is a throng. Lobspeed.

boston's inferiority complex said...

I ate at shake shack today - it felt like some tourist-oriented crap chain restaurant you'd find in midtown manhattan. why do I need a buzzer when we're all standing around the counter waiting for our food? and it tasted like I spent 12 dollars on something you get at dairy queen. you can't mask it with vaguely hipster music, decor, and 20-somethings. Not impressed.

Anonymous said...

Potbellyjoe - that jersey is great, especially in the flying flag version. I'd buy it.

leroy said...

Well this explains why my dog was asking me if I'd like to go yak riding for a year and leave him the keys to the apartment and wine cellar.

Of course, I told him I'd rather be riding on a big fat cow because the time to live is now.

babble on said...

Sorry to hear it, Master Bateman. That totally sucks, because no matter what, there's nothing as powerful as a relationship which has withstood the test of time. It's the very cornerstone of community.

But community is evolving. You are a longstanding member of this particular community, so you know we'll be here, thick or thin. And suddenly, what with your new-found freedom, there are all sorts of e-communities you can check out. Like Down (it's tagline is kiss kiss bang bang) or Pure, or Coffee Meets Bagel, or Skout, or even tried and true Tinder. (Apparently Marcus, creator of Plenty of Fish, is depressed because Tinder stole his thunder.)

Anyhoo. Chin up. Stay away from those nasty white powders... they're all just a short cut to yer coffin. Go and get drunk with your friends, have them help you create a fun online profile (their perspective is important!) and then have some fun, mkay?

It won't cure your heartache, but it will be a great distraction. xo

Luck E. Seven said...

you had me at "2 abreast."

A

babble on said...

Three abreast? Free the breast!

BamaPhred said...

Yes, PBateman, here is where you come for positive reinforcement. Lewis Grizzard, the late great columnist for the AJC, gave me the best advice on the third chance marriage, "Married again? Sheet son, why don't you just go find another woman that hates you and buy her a house!"

Anonymous said...

You eejits. PB isn't getting a divorce. He was setting up his I HAVE A BIG DONG link. Pretty sure no woman has ever left a man because he was filling her up with excess man meat. Like ever.

MikeHunt said...

Ok, words I thought I would never write. Where is CJ, and his screeds on the various yanni, compatibility, etc.

P. Bateman said...

well now i feel bad because of the sympathetic outpouring, but yes, Anonoymouse is right - it was just a big dick joke.

turns out though, now i just feel like a big dick.

BamaPhred said...

P.Bateman
Don't feel bad.
I, for one, just wanted to paraphrase Grizzard.
Thank you for the opening.

wishiwasmerckx said...

A recent study of 15,000 penises across the globe revealed that the average erection is a mere 5.16 inches.

Looks like I should be be posting my future comments as "Donkey Kong."

Frederico Tridorkski said...

Anally mounted Strava sensor GPS unit. Only 5.16 inches in length. Cuts down wind resistance 100% over externally mounted units.

$999.99 at finer hip bike boutiques

Anonymous said...

When Cipo says "Eating Pussy". Is that grammatically speaking a complete sentence?

Anonymous said...

LOB HATES FREDS ??

I don't think LOB hates anything!

LOB LOVES

or

LOB LOVES BIKES ??

ce said...

Once again, Boris Bike Guy manages to warm my dead heart with his sunny disposition. I should be wanting to punch him in his cheesy smile for getting his positive attitude all over the place, but alas, the infection takes hold, the symptoms of happiness appear, and the hate drains from my fists.

ce said...

Hopefully I managed to include a mixed metaphor or two in there somewhere.

babble on said...

Huh. Well now I know for sure that an asshole is the very same thing as a BIG DICK.

There's that.

Yesterday afternoon, Port Metro Vancouver's downtown port and the surrounding area was evacuated when a chemical fire broke out in a container there. Chlorine oxidiser. Not the really dangerous form of chlorine, but it isn't good. BIG news day...

BamaPhred said...

I wonder how TUBBG is in the century sprint?
Recumbabe doesn't care, BibShorts Guy can't find the start, pud pulling chimp is, well, occupied.

91 said...

91

92 said...

92

93 said...

93

94 said...

94

95 said...

95

96 said...

96

97 said...

97

98 said...

98

99 said...

99

dop said...

100

dop said...

ok, got number 1 & number 100

robot says blort

McFly said...

7" of the white stuff in the bible belt. Also, it snowed a lot. I said fook it and played hookey.

babble on said...

And on the other side of the continent, the bears are awake early. We are in the midst of a full blown early as fuck springtime. No snowpack. At. All. Water shortages guaranteed this El Nino year. And they say LAST year was the hottest on record. (They also say that climate change means more bizarre weather, like snow in the Southeastern American seaboard, and like a United Kingdom with weather akin to Moscow's once the Gulf Stream is lost to desalination with ice cap melts. They will have the best hockey teams in time. Neighbours in ice, McFly.)

In other news... I just found out that - and holy Hannah who thought THIS was a good idea?!?- Vancouver has CRACH PIPE VENDING MACHINES!!

perut buncit said...

thank for sharing. Goodluck

Foredi said...

thank brother....

Susu Kambing Obat Asam Urat said...

ha...ha....nice post n good luck for the new post