Tuesday, March 3, 2015

"I'll ride a bike when you pry my gun from my cold, dead hands."

Do you like to ride the bicycles?


(He does.)

Well guess what?  You're not alone!  Sure, the media treats us like a fringe group--and yes, we receive about as much respect as sex offenders, or those idiots who refuse to vaccinate their children against polio.  Nevertheless, it turns out lots of Americans do in fact ride bikes:


The U.S. Bicycling Participation Benchmarking Report, commissioned by PeopleForBikes, indicates that 34 percent of Americans age three or older rode a bike at least once in 2014. For comparison, the same study found that 40 percent of Americans ran or jogged outside last year.

Previous studies had pegged U.S. bicycling participation much lower. The 2014 National Sporting Goods Association data indicated a bicycling participation rate of only 12 percent.

This is good news...I guess.  Sadly, "rode a bike at least once" probably includes people who like to get drunk, go to Walmart, and joyride Kents through the seasonal decorations section.  Furthermore, while over 30% of Americans may have ridden a bike last year, this percentage is overshadowed by the 85% of Americans who are raging assholes.  This is why 52% of us (that's the sober half) are deathly afraid of getting run over by our fellow Americans:

However, the study also found that 48 percent of U.S. adults do not have access to a bike at home, and 52 percent worry about being hit by a car while riding.

“A lot of Americans ride bikes, but unfortunately from our point of view, most or many only ride occasionally,” Blumenthal said. “Thirty percent rode five days or less, and a pretty big number rode only once in the last year.

Worst of all, fully 93% of Americans fall under a category called "Too obese to ride."

So really, none of this is good news at all, and it's why our rallying cry here in Canada's impacted anal sac is "Fuck it, I'm leasing a Hyundai."

Well, at least until you can be the Hyundai:


I'm old enough to remember when this was supposed to be our future:


Which is why everybody used to scream about nuclear war:


Now though the concept of nuclear annihilation seems positively quaint, and it's quite clear that in a generation or two we'll all be reduced to a bunch of R2-D2s instead:


Every so often, a malfunctioning Apple car will hit a bunch of us in an iCrosswalk:


And we'll go skittering down the street like it's an Easter egg roll.

"No criminality suspected"--provided of course the driver has AppleCare.

So where do bikes fit into this electronic future?  Probably nowhere.  It's only a matter of time before our government hands off our crumbling infrastructure to the corporations in exchange for highway naming rights, and why would those corporations want to encourage people to ride bikes when they can sell us their rolling suppositories instead?  Well, that is unless the car companies start making bikes:


Though even the cycling layperson knows that buying a bike from a car company is like ordering sushi in a diner.

It's too bad Americans love cars but hate trains and bikes, because trains and bikes actually work really well together.  In fact, did you know that bike cars on trains make passengers safer?



HOW DOES IT WORK?

The idea is to disperse the energy created by impact away from the areas of passenger cars where people sit. To do so, cars are engineered with crush zones that collapse unoccupied areas, such as brake and electrical service closets, bicycle storage areas, vestibules and stairwells, according to a Federal Railroad Administration report on the technology. Cab cars at the front of trains also have a collapsible nose cone, which helps absorb impact.

Sadly, bicycle storage areas on trains are few and far between, and here in New York when riding the commuter trains with a bike you're supposed to put it in the handicapped seating area:


Presumably if someone in a wheelchair boards the train you're just supposed to fight it out.

But yeah, as I alluded to earlier, I'm getting old.  I used to see the Cro-Mags, now I see the dermatologist.  (Actually, I think my dermatologist was in the Cro-Mags.)  Still, I find myself growing nostalgic for the days when I used to ride skateboards and BMX bikes.  Fortunately, a reader named Kevin tells me I can now experience the thrill of both--simultaneously!--by riding a Bikeboard:



With the Bikeboard, you can execute a groin-tearing footplant:


As well as "catch" a "massive" amount of "air:"


All thanks to the "goofy tiller effect" of the reversed quill stem:


Best of all, the Bikeboard is easy on the hips, which is why a Bikeboard crew looks less like a bunch of hooligans and more like a physical therapy class at a retirement home:



See?  This duder looks comfy:


And check out Gramps:


(How the hell is it so sunny in Seattle?)

He hasn't had this much fun since he used to thrash on a scooter he made from a crate:


Yep, this is what it looks like when someone puts a GoPro on a walker:


And check out this sick cyclocross-style remount:


OH MY GOD THEIR NOT WEARING HELLMENTS THEIR GOING TO DIE!!!

Speaking of technological advancements, if your bike is slightly too wide to fit inside--and you use a quill stem--you may be interested in the FlipCrown:



I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, "Can't I just loosen my stem and turn the handlebars sideways without the FlipCrown?"

Yes.  Yes you can.

Though this would come in very handy on my Bikeboard.

I know what else you're thinking.  You're thinking, "If storage space is at such a premium, instead of rotating your bars all the time, wouldn't it make sense to take advantage of the convenience and ease of a folding bike?"  Well, not if you're this woman:



Though after many years of training you might one day attempt to challenge the world record:



See that?  The secret to quick folding is to use both hands at once:


Just ask Mario Cipollini:


In fact, spending time with Cipollini is exactly like being a Brompton: in both cases you wind up collapsed in on yourself and utterly without dignity.

75 comments:

Anonymous said...

Vamoots. #1

Anonymous said...

#andthatshowbabiesaremade

BamaPhred said...

Podiodio

Vernal Magina said...

Asd.

Vernal Magina said...

Bah.

groanhammer said...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZMaZtqTDXM

dop said...

coccygeal

grog said...

Top Ten with Goofy Tiller Effect.

BamaPhred said...

I have ridden my bike with my "gun" in my cold, numb, hands. TMI?
RedJumpSuit should just say Phuc It.

Anonymous said...

je suis dans le premier dix.

Anonymous said...

it is nice that nobody was killed in the Metrolink crash....But WERE THE BIKES O.K.???

dop said...

I think Goofy Tiller was George Tiller's less talented brother.

PotbellyJoe said...

Was I the only one expecting to see a conductor throw the Brompton out of the train after it was pulling away? Or Have i just lived in the NJ Transit region too long?

Johnny PayPal said...

Take that Brompton and shove it!

I ant'rid'in it no more.

dockWorker said...

What? No mention of the Belgian biek racer injecting baby food?

How about the other Belgian guy who was injecting something else and claimed it wasn't breaking the rules, except, you know, no needles.

Looking for total silence from the UCI as both are from the rich and powerful Belgian federation. Maybe they can call it "research" and issue another back-dated TUE.

Freddy Murcks said...

I read all the way to the end and then completely forgot the snide comment I was planning on making. Well, instead of attempting to amuse with my cynical observations of the state of biking in 'Murica, I will just wish all you peeps a nice day.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...actually, i was thinking that the only time a man needs to 'flip his crown' is in the winter when you have to pee...

McFly said...

.........pegged.....lolz

Craig Richards said...

Coming to a garage sale soon: Bike Boards.

DB said...

Biking weather forecast for next week!
Gotta find my bike.

Charles Terront said...

And speaking of bike boards, someone rode Paris-Brest-Paris on a scooter.

Mister Kulokowski said...

Optical illusion or does that Engin have a 26" front wheel and 29" rear? My friend was riding a rigid 29er when a duder on 5" full squish told him he was thinking of getting a 29er to "smooth out the rough stuff." The Rocky Mountain Duder is a curious breed of Fred.

Johnny PayPal said...

Do not fur'git to fold that Brampton a'fore shoving it!

Freddy Murcks said...

Mister Kulokowski - Being a rocky mountain fred (the proper term for an MTB fred is 'barney', by the way) and having owned full sussers in the 26' and 29' sizes, I can say that the duder is not exactly wrong. In my experience, a full suspension 29er will roll faster and more comfortably over teh rough stuff, as compared to a full suspension 26er.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

The vast majority of people who ride only one day a year will do that ride in Bike New York.

Paul Simon said...

I'd rather be a Goofy Tiller than a Dutch Rudder.

Yes I would. If I only could. I surely would.

bad boy of the north said...

Ahhh....more snow predicted.now,where's my flame thrower?

Anonymous said...

Did someone ask for a snow melting flame thrower?

Grump said...

I can picture it now.
A Cat 5 Bikeboard criterium.
The thrills...the spills....Oh, the humanity.

Almost as bad as a bikeboard triathlon.

Oh, the Humanity.

ken e. said...

if that little yellow thing is the new crud-guard 3, then sign me up!

Anonymous said...

Ahhh....more snow predicted.now,where's my flame thrower?

Not as crazy as it seems. OK it is crazy but it also works. See this and this.

Freddy Murcks said...

As far as handing off our crumbling infrastructure to the corporations in exchange for highway naming rights, it already more-or-less happening. Becuase of the so-called Taxpayer Bill of Rights, Colorado and the surrounding municipalities could not raise taxes or issue bonds to pay for highway construction and the most recent result is that Hwy 36 between Boulder and Denver is now a wholly owned subsidiary of Goldman Sachs. Welcome to the future. I hope you brought your wallet.


http://www.westword.com/news/boulder-turnpike-privatization-plan-rips-off-colorado-says-advocate-behind-lawsuit-5832650

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Weebles wobble but they don't fall down.

bieks said...

Let's see,

34% of Americans are freaks. Cool.

However, the study also found that 48 percent of U.S. adults do not have access to a bike at home, and 52 percent worry about being hit by a car while riding. Does that mean 100% of Americans with access to bikes are worried about getting hit by a car or are some of the 48% so paranoid that they're afraid of being hit by a car while riding even though they don't ride (could happen!).

I never know how to read these stats.

Anonymous said...

Question wildcat, do you consider yourself to be in the 85% or the 15%?

Anonymous said...

don't know why this Hyundai reminds me of this

http://www.karcher.com/us/Products/Home__Garden/Pressure_washers/Medium_class/16031200.htm

A Little Dab Will Do Ya said...

Cipo handling the merchandise even though the back of her jersey says "Do Not Touch".

leroy said...

Just a minute. Back up a sec.

You mean getting drunk and riding a Kent through seasonal decorations at Walmart is a real tradition?

Is there a list of accepted seasonal decorations?

If Erev Tisha B'av is on there, I owe my dog an apology.

Cipo's Sperm Bank said...

Cipo "Before the next position, one question, do you still have your tonsils?"

JB said...

My only fat bike test ride was in a Walmart. I was sober though. I don't know if that makes it better or worse.

babble on said...

Hey! My bike is already art, all Ti and shiny gold wheels, n'everything. It already hangs on the wall, too, and I am not so sure it is worth the time and trouble to twist those narrow little curly handlebars round, either, for the coupla inches it might shave off.

Um, and while you can say anything with statistics, you just said it all, Snobi Wan.

Lord Brompton said...

***ATTENTION ALL CAT 7 RACERS***

TEAM L-DOPA MEETING THIS SATURDAY

TIME AND PLACE TBD

BYOW*

*Bring your own weed. If you don't have any weed then see T. Chong team herbalist/director sportif who will take care of you and yours

Remember the team L-DOPA motto/team cheer ...

What!

Johan 'the puppetmaster' bruynEEL said...

I received an interesting question. Can a Cat 7 racer be dead, as in expired, and still be a Cat 7 racer?

The answer is a resounding YES!

Anonymous said...

Insert Cipollini joke here...

Jonh smith said...

It's actually worse.

bieks said...

Cat 7's so yesterday. I'm onto Cat 8 now. That's where I stare at my cycle computer until I run into a parked car. Doesn't have to be a Cateye Mity 8, but it's more authentic that way. 'course you can't escape being an involuntary Cat 6er.

Let's see, that adds up to... said...

.04% of Americans own multiple bikes, and ride regularly. 12% of Americans own a bike, and ride a couple times a year. 56% of Americans own a bike, but never ride, ever. .06% of Americans once had a bike, and would ride it if they still had it, but it was stolen. 23% of Americans rode bikes when they were kids, but hey, now? Are you serious? 75% of Americans didn’t bother to respond to the bike usage survey. “This is useless bull-sh*t”, they said. 24% of Americans, uh, don’t fit into ANY bike related category, whatsoever. 10% of Americans….

McFly said...

97% of TN rednecks say "Hey man you should put a motor on that thing......" 3% say IMARUNYAINADEEEEEEETCHHHHH!!!!

bletchley said...

Man, I LOVE the UCI. They are so corrupt they used their beloved Alberto, "it was a damn reporter that turned me positive, not the UCI", Contador in a promotional image.

https://twitter.com/UCI_cycling/status/572801662391205888/photo/1

You cannot make up how much they love dopers and doping. Just win baby!

2015 is off to a fantastic start.

babble on said...

I am a total dope, so I should fit right in and win!

Um, and Let's See...when it's all said and done, does that mean WE are the 1%?! Oh goody.

Alley Kat said...

I've seen crackheads on Vancouver's Downtown Eastside do more exciting things with their shopping carts full of dumpster dross than those duders on the skatebikes.

Bender said...

Ha ha! Some robot detector!

Jerry G. said...

I may be Dead but I am Greatfully so.

dop said...

CAT 9= A stain on a Brooks

after_the_fire_is_gone said...

Ohhh Babble,

If only you'd get started on the EPO/HGH/Test cocktail.

You'd ride Katie f'n Compton off of your wheel before Voss flails and explodes at races few would see. The good news is the days of primitive steroids like Tammy Thomas was permitted to use are over so you don't have to shave your beard every other day.

Just like Genevieve Jeanson you could come on down to Canada's scranus and destroy fields because your home federation knows you are doping.

USA Cycling welcomes "winners" regardless of suspicious blood parameters. Just winm mmkay? No pressure or anything. But win. Or you'll probably test positive...

Unless you see a guy who knows a guy you pay to make the positives go away like they do in Russia.

after_the_fire_is_gone said...

Ohhh Babble,

If only you'd get started on the EPO/HGH/Test cocktail.

You'd ride Katie f'n Compton off of your wheel before Voss flails and explodes at races few would see. The good news is the days of primitive steroids like Tammy Thomas was permitted to use are over so you don't have to shave your beard every other day.

Just like Genevieve Jeanson you could come on down to Canada's scranus and destroy fields because your home federation knows you are doping.

USA Cycling welcomes "winners" regardless of suspicious blood parameters. Just winm mmkay? No pressure or anything. But win. Or you'll probably test positive...

Unless you see a guy who knows a guy you pay to make the positives go away like they do in Russia.

Anonymous said...

scranus

Bill Smith said...

You won't ever get hit by an iCar on the street, because they'll only operate in walled gardens.

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BamaPhred said...

The iCar will have a virtual heads up display on the order of Sol Roth's euthanasia experience. You will view beautiful scenes thru the virtual windshield whilst all the actual carnage inflicted on pedestrians and cyclists will not be visible. Due to advances in technology you won't even feel the bump as another dead body is rolled over. Of course the other cars won't hit each other, unless they are not compatible with iCar. They will simply be incinerated via lasers.

babble on said...

For the longest time, I figured I WAS high-test, what with all of these muscles. But no, it's just that my joints are so unstable that my muscles are always working to hold them in place. Whatever works. :)

Speaking of what works: know why you should drink your kale juice? It is the best food out there to increase your hematocrit levels. I juice three big bunches of kale, a coupla bananas, a half a pineapple, a lemon and two grapefruits. Tastes good, and increases your blood platelets, too. EPO SCHMEEPO.

Oh!! OHOHOHOHOHOH! Is Google a boy or a girl?

Um, hello. Obviously a girl, because she won't let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.

VOR said...

Mr. Bike Snob, doesn't the legal right to "share the road" let governments off the hook for improving bicycle infrastructure? Us, "We want protected bike lanes;" Them, "ride one the street." Us, "we want a safe place to take our children riding;" Them, "ride on the street or use an empty parking lot (like you do when you teach your kid how to drive)." Just a thought.

Jason said...

Duder is wearing a t-shirt with your face on it...

Mike said...

Dude! Long-time fan of the blog. That's me with the crotch-tearing footplant on the Bikeboard. Since you mentioned it, the goofy tiller effect, combined with the longboard trucks, actually makes for some sweet carving.

Thanks for mentioning the company and showing the promo video! I'll be passing this blog post on to the company owners.

Regards,
-Mike, the world's only "pro" extreme Bikeboarder

Anonymous said...

Wait, you ride with no helmet and you think anti-vaxxers are idiots?

Anti-helmet kook, meet kettle.

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