Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Sauté half the Wednesday until golden, 45 to 60 seconds on each side (it will be pink inside). Quickly transfer to a paper towel to drain and discard fat in skillet.

Hi.

Firstly, I have seen the future of cycling, and it is the Tramp Bike:



Is this the freestyle BMX equivalent of riding on rollers?

I think that it is.


By the way, I have NEVER ONCE RIDDEN ON ROLLERS, yet I still feel perfectly comfortable laughing at people who fall off of rollers.  This may seem hypocritical on my part.  However, I believe that the noblest laughter is that which is directed at people who engage in behavior you're smart enough to avoid.

I also believe that the children are our future.

Teach them well and let them lead the way.

Thank you.

Speaking of stuff I'm smart enough to avoid, it's all over the bike weenie press that PowerTap have announced a clutch of new power meters so that all the He-Freds and She-Freds of the world can more easily and accurately quantify the vastness of their profound and all-encompassing suckitude:


After nearly two decades of selling a successful hub-based power meter, PowerTap has expanded its wattage-measuring offerings with a set of pedals and a spider/chainring combo. The PowerTap P1 pedals weigh a claimed 398g and will retail for US$1,199 / £999, while the C1 spider and rings will sell for US$699 / £549.

Over a thousand dollars for a pair of pedals?  Almost $700 for some chainrings?!?  What the hell is the matter with people???  You know, at the end of a bike race they tell you where you placed.  If you win you suck the least out of all the other weenies, and the further back you finish the more you suck at bikes.  It's really very simple.

As for improving that performance, if you're dissatisfied with your placing then try harder next time.  Also, practice riding bikes.  Sure, the weenies call this "training," but that's a misnomer.  Practicing something makes you better at it, whereas training just makes you tired and turns you into the sort of boring person nobody wants to ride with.  Practice makes perfect, whereas training just makes roadies.

If none of this helps, then you have two options:

1) Deal with it;

2) Dope.

And that's how racing bikes works.

This isn't to say I don't use sophisticated training tools.  Sure, I'm not into Strava,  nor am I willing to spend a thousand bucks on a pair of pedals that remind me how daintily I push them, but I do subscribe to a powerful fitness tool known as "Citi Bike."  Did you know you can log onto their site and see how powerfully you're "crushing it?"  Check this out:


See that?  In just seven days I improved my time by thirteen seconds!  That's a massive gain!  In a Cat 6 race, thirteen seconds could be the difference between dropping that "My First Fixie" millennial on the Williamsburg Bridge and being utterly humiliated by a septuagenarian on a Brompton.

Also, it looks like I've taken 30 Citi Bike trips since the system debuted, so I do appear to be amortizing that annual membership.

Hey, I may not use bike share that much, but I'm glad it's there when I need it.

Anyway, back to the PowerTap crap, did you know they're accurate to +/- 1.5?

Accuracy is a claimed +/- 1.5 percent.

To which I say: So the fuck what?!?  If you're quantifying something that's totally and utterly meaningless, who the hell cares how accurately you're doing so?  It's like crackpots calculating the exact age of the Earth by adding up the ages of the prophets, or like Donald Trump forming a "presidential exploratory committee."  So he's going to pay a bunch of experts a whole lot of money to tell him that he's a cretin with a coiffure like a collie's matted ass hair, while Captain Cat 4 is going to spend a grand on pedals and hire a coach to tell him that one day if he pushes his marriage to the point of divorce that maybe he can finish in the top 50 at Battenkill.

But hey, they developed this stuff with noted cycling quack Dr. Allen Lim, so you know it works:


Just check out this great blurb:


Hey, you can't argue with results.

I do find it amusing though that expensive power meters are a hit with amateur bike racers, yet swallowing little thermometers never caught on.

I guess even Freds have their limits--and that limit is digging through their own stool to retrieve their expensive digital thermometers.

Speaking of people who swallow thermometers, one of Lim's old clients is going to ride the Tour route for charity, and Brian Cookson doesn't like it:


World cycling chief Brian Cookson on Tuesday blasted drug cheat Lance Armstrong’s plans to ride this year’s Tour de France route for charity, branding them “completely disrespectful.”

Armstrong, stripped of his seven Tour titles for doping offenses, has signed up to take part in the event, organized by former England football player Geoff Thomas.

I have mixed feelings about this.  On one hand, why shouldn't he get to hang around the Tour just because he doped?  After all, the other dopers are not only welcome at the race, but they also get to hand out the prizes:


("Great job, young doper."  "Thanks, old doper!")

Except for Hinault of course, who we all know was clean as a whistle:


(They should change his nickname from "The Badger" to "The Bouncer."  Also, whistles aren't clean.  They're full of spit and are disgusting.)

On the other hand, it's pretty pathetic that Armstrong still wants to hang around the Tour de France at this point.  How hard does this bike race have to break up with him before he gets the message?  I mean come on, get a life already.  He's like the creepy guy who still hangs around his old high school:



Speaking of putting old wine into a new bottle, check this out:



So you like beards and woodworking:


(The beard protects your neck from flying wood shavings.)

But you've already got the giant pepper mill:


(Please refrain from "massive wood" comments.  Or don't, what do I care?)

And the old-timey lamp:


("One, if by land, and two, if by pennyfarthing.")

Plus the steampunk lamp to supplement it because the old-timey lamp throws off about as much light as one of those tiny Bic lighters:


(Dirty interior decorating secret: households with artisanal lighting rely entirely on their iPhone flashlights in order to see.)

Well, I bet you don't have a handmade bottle holder for your bike:



Just strap it to your handlebars:


And then head out into a blizzard:



Or just get a St. Bernard, it's up to you:


I think he should make a steampunk power meter next.

98 comments:

Anonymous said...

Podiyizzay

BamaPhred said...

Podiodiodio

Anonymous said...

Baby it's cold outside.

Anonymous said...

Rapha!

yoni ferneau said...

Top 5

BamaPhred said...

Quick, someone spray me with a fire hose. I have been suppressing the lust, of which I know not where it came, for a Powertap hub AND a Garmin. Now I get up and read this. It's just spring fever. Maybe I'll hire those St Bernards to pull me around, sort of like sled dogs.

grog said...

topus tenus.
Can you make a repair for a VIP?
~John Kerry

CommieCanuck said...

Top ten on my new slutbike.

ken e. said...

zoom a zoom do!

Anonymous said...

Top 10? Scranalicious!

Anonymous said...

Vanity, thy name is Powertap. That and Budnitz.

McFly said...

Short shorts and skinned knee's just go together.

CommieCanuck said...

Even for kickstarter, that Tramp bike is pretty damn lame.
Watched "The Armstrong Lie" last night on Netflix and now I have a total thing for Betsy Andreu, proven now to have the biggest balls in pro cycling.
If I were Greg Lemond, I'd be wearing a T-shirt 24/7 that said, "I was Right About That Asshole". Don't care so much about the actual doping (I use caffeine and Jameison's myself) as much as the life-ruiny aspects of Lance.

dop said...

tramp stamp

McFly said...

Is Lance literally or metaphorically blasted?

p.s. STILL LOVE YOU LANCE!

Anonymous said...

Pack finish!

Anonymous said...

We got that Feed Zone cookbook at Costco a week ago. The Lady Anonymous picked it up and I didn't notice who wrote it.

The introduction is Deluded Frederick's Greatest Hits- everything is about TRAINING for your RACING. The actual recipes are pretty decent. Some of them are actually fairly creative.

Morning Wood said...

"massive"

bad boy of the north said...

yea!!!steampunk....uh,what's steampunk?(just kidding)

Anonymous said...

I want my Apple Fritter!

Freddy Murcks said...

I tried to ride rollers once. I was drunk. It did not go particularly well, but at least it wasn't YouTube worthy.

Anonymous said...

Also, as a semi-reformed fat guy, I always appreciate when a cookbook has a nutritional breakdown to go with the recipe. Saves me from doing the math myself.

Isambard Kingdom Brunel said...

"uh,what's steampunk?"

I don't know but I know it is not steam and I'm pretty sure it is not punk.

PotbellyJoe said...

According to my power meter I would have won, I just got a delayed start from having to calibrate my power meter.

PotbellyJoe said...

Considering the number of dentists now getting caught doping in fondos, it is only a matter of time before they start cutting off their testes for weight savings.

McFly said...

Skort skorts and shinned knee's just don't go together.

Bryan said...

you go do you, Lance! Fuck the UCI, raise some money and enjoy riding around the French countryside. Sounds like a win win win to me.

The tramp bike looks like a good way to burst your nuts. Then again, if they did that they wouldn't procreate, so not a bad thing

Anonymous said...

Others believe too...
http://theoatmeal.com/blog/jibbers_crabst

Grump said...

I too, refuse to ride those silly roller thingys. Same goes for Power. I rely on primitive heart rate.
On the other hand, I find nothing wrong with riding on a trainer, indoors, until your eyes roll back in you head, and you need a mop to clean up.
I believe that Armstrong should stay away from the Tour. His closeness to the tour might cause "clean" riders to start doping.

crosspalms said...

I'll wait for the smart power meter, so when I produce more power than my bike can handle, I can sell it to other cyclists or beam it from my phone to a satellite and thence to the grid. No hurry.

Bryan said...

Power Tao...I don't get it. I mean, #1 I don't really understand what all the hoo-hah is about, #2 I don't give a fuck about trying to understand why someone would pay some ridiculous $$ to be told nonsensical numbers. If you want to get better, go ride WITH other people and get off your trainer. With the cost of those things I could buy a really decent bike so when the divorce comes, I still get to keep a bike while my ex takes a sledge hammer to the other one (ya know, the whole 50% thing)

RollerRyder said...

But I did like the skort skort shinned knees ass smacking

Wooderson said...

David Wooderson is the only creepy old guy who is still allowed to hang around his high school. Ol' David could teach this Lance guy a thing or two.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Since no respectable girls will date me, I am buying a tramp bike to attract...well...tramps, i guess.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Also, I am buying the saddle-mounted powertap to measure the additional wattage I generate from my copious gaseous emissions. Easily shaves a few seconds per kilometer off my time trial results. Quantifying it would allow me to fine-tune the starchy legume/broccoli component of my diet. Well worth the investment.

Wooderson said...

And yes, I realize that I am referring to myself in the third person. That's just the way it is with David Wooderson.

Ty Nelson said...

http://www.adventure-journal.com/2015/03/the-daily-bike-cyclings-coolest-retro-event-is-finally-coming-to-the-states/

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Looks like they filmed the tramp video in a Cleveland backyard. They should call that thing the tramp steamer.

Utah Fast food Eater said...

IN Utah you can't buy Arbys to go on your Bikehttp://www.citylab.com/cityfixer/2015/03/utah-appears-set-to-ban-bicycles-from-drive-thru-lanes/388141/?utm_source=SFTwitter
Maybe the bearded bottle dude can make me a faux car outside for my byke

I Have no Explanation for This said...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7zr7zz-9oM

DB said...

I picked Albany to go to the Final Four.

Anonymous said...

Blank

babble on said...

Crosspalms ++ :D heh heh

I just finally got a heart rate monitor, so by the time they convince me to ride with a power meter, it will be cheap, old tech compared with the latest geatest advances in athletic science. I have massive lung capacity and a great VO2 max for a girl, but still, there is always room for improvement. I am betting that the Chinese are already well on their way to genetic manipulation in the name of sporting success. There was a young female swimmer at the last summer olympics who was the canary in the coalmine, but the jury is still out as to what they did for (to?!) her, and how.

Heh heh Tramp Bike. Too bad it looks like such a lame-o idea, cause you've gotta love the moniker.

bad boy of the north said...

isambard kingdom brunel-i guess that will do until they build a better mousetrap-rube goldberg

Anonymous said...

What was the music with the video of trampoline jumping?

We're part of the Cure, to going Slow said...

Babble@200: "There was a young female swimmer at the last summer olympics who was the canary in the coal mine..."

In pro cycling it's 99% canaries.

No Need to Read the Prospectus said...

I love that people keep inventing things; I have no desire to buy any of them, but it's great people are always dreaming up new ways of getting a Kickstarter project funded or going bankrupt themselves.

samh said...

Massive wood on the Strava link, oh my.

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

"No Need to Read the Prospectus"

NOD - Name of the day.
Posiibly another Wall Street Douchebag like me!

Market's flying today on neutral, business as usual free money give away comments from the Federal Reserve.

Bike related? ...
I have no power to tap. Bike with Trailer guy beat me up the Williburg Bridge the other day.

vsk

bieks said...

I forgot what the story was behind the Badger pic. Anyone?

Badgerogist said...

'I forgot what the story was behind the Badger pic. Anyone?"

Waiting around for the winners to come out of doping control and stand on the podium, some clown in full kit comes out of the audience and stands on the top steps, arms over his head. the badger take offense at this attempt to steal "glory" and pushes the clown back into the audience.

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

Me first !

http://news.yahoo.com/iran-talks-kerry-cant-gear-163344648.html

It seems John Kerry is an almost retrogrouchy almost Fred.

vsk

McFly said...

Tramp Bikes are lame but Tramp Tramps are way more fun on a jumpoline. You can do way more combinations with virtually no cable interference or Goofy Tiller Effect.

CommieCanuck said...

the badger take offense at this attempt to steal "glory" and pushes the clown back into the audience.

Same fucking thing happened to me at a Black Flag show in the 80s. I only hit my head.

Floyd on wiggo said...

Take Bradley Wiggins for example, and his claim that he thought Lance Armstrong was clean up until the reasoned decision. I do have a little sympathy for him. While he's not particularly bright or articulate, if you read between his curse words it's clear that he has insecurities resulting from the fact that despite all the measures he took to win the Tour he wasn't even the strongest rider.

crosspalms said...

Utah Fast Food,
I tried to go through the drive-up at my local Walgreens on my bike a few weeks ago (it's for picking up prescriptions). Nope. Company policy says it's only for cars. Don't they read Snob? A guy on a bike picking up drugs should be their business model!

babble on said...

The Cure... yeah, except that in un-bird-like fashion you really have to squeeze them to get em to sing. Not surprisingly, that little girl from China has been remarkably quiet about her stunning, meteoric rise from an exceptionally consistent mediocre swimmer to gold medal winner in just a few weeks time. Whatever it was that they did to her, it's quite surprising that the cycling world isn't on top of it. Wait. Does China have a team in the TdF?

bieks said...

Nice scoop vsk!

My only question came from reading

he speaks very good French referring to Kerry.

So, is he:

a) Canadadian

b) Communist

c) A former TdF doper?

bieks said...

Leave it to a Canadian to not be able to spell Canadian.

bieks said...

Well, okay, not my only question. Also wanted to know whether his shifters were 'lectric.

CommieCanuck said...

Canadians speak French?

Took me years to figure out "Ou est le bibliothecque" was not the way to get a BJ in Montreal, unless you convinced someone in the social sciences racks.

Vive le Quebec liver.

Cindy Lapper said...

Scranus

Vaginus

BadMovie said...

If I were Greg Lemond, I'd be wearing a T-shirt 24/7 that said, "I was Right About That Asshole".

Yes, Yes. Every interview. Every Eurosport segment. Every time.

You guys know that following Le Tour around like that was the plot to a movie, right? Main character who follows the race around learns an important life lesson from the "hardships" and his kids love him more at the end.

Somehow, I don't think it's going to work out like the movie for Lance.

A writer could not get a script sold using some of the crazy stuff that happens in cycling. No producer would believe it.

Cipo said...

So if you doped but never test positive then you did not dope? Brilliant!

Io amo l'America

BadMovie said...

Aannglish speekers movie title: "Tour De Force"


Original title: "La grande boucle"

Not a great movie but passes the time pleasantly enough on an airplane.

I'd do it all over again, too said...

Oh, and, regarding ingestion of the Dr. Allen Lim Core Temperature Thermometer…I NEVER tested positive. (But, a lawsuit will be filed, of course.)

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Following quotes:

"Blowjobs make a lovely sort of every day gift that keeps on giving.

Still considering holding a seminal seminar... because when you do it right, it is truly a pleasure to give, too. And after all. It IS nice to share.

I have massive lung capacity and a great VO2 max for a girl, but still, there is always room for improvement. "

Show why Babs has surpassed Snobbie as the real reason any of us read this.....and probably the reason why he writes it.




Christo said...

One of your best Snob. I feel the same way about power meters and other freddery (we call them Hubbards down under) but I do enjoy using Strava as a way of competing against myself - I don't call it training; I call it a futile attempt to stave off the decline of middle age.

Anyways, come back to Melbourne and ride in the hills instead of boring old Beach road.

Grump said...

Are Tramps allowed to buy a "Tramp Bike", or are only Tramps allowed to buy it????
I'm confused.

Anonymous said...

Greg Le Monde. No. He DID NOT DOPE. Evah! Even though he rode during one of the many doping heydays - NOT HIM!

NO.

NOT.

HIM.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 5:20pm,

Don't forget the fasest time trial in Tour de France history.

--Wildcat Etc.

Anonymous said...

Yeah! And LeMond had BLOND HAIR, too! And wore goofy sun glasses. And used time trial bars. So…you know…innocent? Harrumph!

Tramp Steamer said...

Cleveland!

Jimmy 'Cub Reporter' Olsen said...

****NEWS-FLASH****

The Great All Knowing Lob arrested for dwi in Maine. Cargo suspected to consist Mainely illegals & culls ...

http://bangordailynews.com/2015/03/18/news/mid-maine/truck-hauling-30000-pounds-of-live-lobster-crashes-on-i-95/

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

bieks said...
"Well, okay, not my only question. Also wanted to know whether his shifters were 'lectric."

March 18, 2015 at 3:45 PM


- I do not believe they would be electric leviers de vitesse. On a 10 year old byke?

vsk

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

"... Show why Babs has surpassed Snobbie as the real reason any of us read this.....and probably the reason why he writes it."

I was (secretly now publicly) hoping Ms. Babble would show up at a Snobinar or Book Related Event.

I think it would be a good kickstarter or Snobstarter event to GreatUnwashedCrowd-Fund her ticket to the next Snob thing ... Or the FONDON'T !!

vsk





March 18, 2015 at 4:52 PM

Envious foldist said...

Surely, http://www.pashleycollection.co.uk/product/Bottle-Bar-Bag is the bottle carrier of choice for the discerning cycling wine buff? It complements the Brooks saddle and Inspector Gadget coat perfectly, and for only £195 ($290)!

dop said...

canary in the coal mine? is that like a Cleveland tiller?

Anonymous said...

Powermeters: It doesn't matter how many ways you measure it (or how much you spend measuring it) 0 watts is still 0 watts!

Fantastic Barney Frederickson said...

The FONDON"T. Are gas mask bongs allowed? What about transparent yoga pants on hot chicks? And what is the cost of a UCI 'get out of jail free' negative drug test result?

Marv 'there's a dead thang on my head' Albert said...

The young lass starring in roller spazzz out video. 6.77381 Cipos*


*A Cipo is a measure of hardness, or radial stiffness a 10.00000 being top score.

babble on said...

Coupla things:

First, thank you. Very kind of you to say, Mr Old Cyclist and VSK, both of you. Um, and are you kidding??! No way!! The reason we ALL read Snobi Wan is because he is our compass, and cause he makes us laugh even as he opens everybody's eyes. And he's adorable. You guys prolly haven't noticed, but all of that cycling has given him the cutest little bottom. I know cause I went to his cycling/book event when he came to Vancouver a coupla years back.

Secondly: Yes, please. I would be honoured and absolutely delighted to attend any and all Fondon't events wherever they are held across the globe. And we know that they will be held all across the planet in times to come, because he has legions of fans the world over, our beloved king of snark.

It really IS ever so nice to share, and people everywhere appreciate that he wakes up five days a week and shares his hilarious perspective on our collective sport, rain or shine. We owe him a lot, espeially the lot of us here in the commentariat, cause without him, we wouldn't have this remarkable little community. And community is everything when you are an outlier the way we cyslists are.

Bottleinfrontofme said...

One problem with those crafted bottle holders is that they tend to just become so much useless dead weight on the return trip home, that is unless you forget about it after a few drinks and leave it on your friend's coffee table. I find that putting the bottle in whatever pack/pannier/shopping bag I happen to be using at the time, seems to work just fine.

Dooth said...

I would LOVE to see Lance at the Tour de France. Those UCI folks should be good sports and welcome Lance back, but under one condition...that he wear a satan costume and run along side the riders on the steepest climb. He does that, all is forgiven.

Texas John Slaughter said...

The FONDON'T. How many mohawk/shades/popout glocks Travis Bickle tribute artists will be allowed to participate? I hear snob is keeping the number at 20 or less. Is this true?

JLRB said...

I want to thank you for the laughs and cooking tips - but what do I do with the other half of Wednesday?

Double trouble said...

Hey Dooth, Lance in satin carring a lance.

bieks said...

Commie Canuck - yeah, can't say I know a lot of french speakers around here, just perpetuating the stereotype for pseudo-comic effect.

vsk - was at work so just scanned the article and assumed he was riding a rental. Old dude like him would have been better off with friction shifting I guess.

deadsy said...

Lance can take DIdi's place! Didi is the devil guy.

Brilliant. Absolutely all would be forgiven if he ran along yelling incomprehensibly in a Lycra suit waving a trident around.

He could even get on the juice again. It would not matter.

Oh, if only.

bieks said...

Pathetic Old Cyclist - ha! When you combine the comments like that and the other commenter yesterday about robots, I'm reminded of those Twitterbots. Taken out of context, yeah, total commentbot. Babs, you should totally do a collabo with some tech geek to create a twitterbot.

BamaPhred said...

I'm on the Lance for Didi bandwagon.
Honestly as much as this guy has been sued, his lush lifestyle, the overhang of pending lawsuits, loss of sponsors, lawyering up, how is he not bankrupt. I think something like 75% NFL NBA MLB players are bankrupt 5 years from the end of their career? But Pete Rose still gets his face on TV and he is banned for life from MLB, similar to Lance banned from cycling.
Ramble mode off, I'm sorry.

BikeSnobNYC said...

deadsy,

I like it, it's like the curse of the Flying Dutchman.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

babble on said...

Anon@ 5:20 - wait. There was a time that was NOT a doping heyday? Are we still talking about cycling? The whole sport is for dopes. That's why I am a natural. The bicycle itself is a brilliant form of cheating. How else could you travel so far, so fast for so little work? The idea that it has ever been anything but a cheating, doping heyday is ridiculous. Absolutely absurd.

Like so many of my comments. But Dope is as dope does. And says. Heh heh. Babblebots Incorporated. :)

Anonymous said...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-tjLqd36EU

Old-timer said...

Ah ha! All you folks who have been relentlessly hammered by Ole Man Winter…cause for celebration…the first day of Spring! Seasonal relief is on the way! Congratulations! You survived!

deric santoso said...

Jim!

Makanan Ibu Hamil
Perbedaan Jupiter 150 MX dan MX king
http://breaktime.co.id/
Puisi Keindahan Alam Indonesia

Jone Mark said...

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jefri said...

thy name is Powertap. That and Budnitz.

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