Firstly, I have seen the future of cycling, and it is the Tramp Bike:
Is this the freestyle BMX equivalent of riding on rollers?
I think that it is.
By the way, I have NEVER ONCE RIDDEN ON ROLLERS, yet I still feel perfectly comfortable laughing at people who fall off of rollers. This may seem hypocritical on my part. However, I believe that the noblest laughter is that which is directed at people who engage in behavior you're smart enough to avoid.
I also believe that the children are our future.
Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Speaking of stuff I'm smart enough to avoid, it's all over the bike weenie press that PowerTap have announced a clutch of new power meters so that all the He-Freds and She-Freds of the world can more easily and accurately quantify the vastness of their profound and all-encompassing suckitude:
After nearly two decades of selling a successful hub-based power meter, PowerTap has expanded its wattage-measuring offerings with a set of pedals and a spider/chainring combo. The PowerTap P1 pedals weigh a claimed 398g and will retail for US$1,199 / £999, while the C1 spider and rings will sell for US$699 / £549.
Over a thousand dollars for a pair of pedals? Almost $700 for some chainrings?!? What the hell is the matter with people??? You know, at the end of a bike race they tell you where you placed. If you win you suck the least out of all the other weenies, and the further back you finish the more you suck at bikes. It's really very simple.
As for improving that performance, if you're dissatisfied with your placing then try harder next time. Also, practice riding bikes. Sure, the weenies call this "training," but that's a misnomer. Practicing something makes you better at it, whereas training just makes you tired and turns you into the sort of boring person nobody wants to ride with. Practice makes perfect, whereas training just makes roadies.
If none of this helps, then you have two options:
1) Deal with it;
And that's how racing bikes works.
This isn't to say I don't use sophisticated training tools. Sure, I'm not into Strava, nor am I willing to spend a thousand bucks on a pair of pedals that remind me how daintily I push them, but I do subscribe to a powerful fitness tool known as "Citi Bike." Did you know you can log onto their site and see how powerfully you're "crushing it?" Check this out:
See that? In just seven days I improved my time by thirteen seconds! That's a massive gain! In a Cat 6 race, thirteen seconds could be the difference between dropping that "My First Fixie" millennial on the Williamsburg Bridge and being utterly humiliated by a septuagenarian on a Brompton.
Also, it looks like I've taken 30 Citi Bike trips since the system debuted, so I do appear to be amortizing that annual membership.
Hey, I may not use bike share that much, but I'm glad it's there when I need it.
Anyway, back to the PowerTap crap, did you know they're accurate to +/- 1.5?
Accuracy is a claimed +/- 1.5 percent.
To which I say: So the fuck what?!? If you're quantifying something that's totally and utterly meaningless, who the hell cares how accurately you're doing so? It's like crackpots calculating the exact age of the Earth by adding up the ages of the prophets, or like Donald Trump forming a "presidential exploratory committee." So he's going to pay a bunch of experts a whole lot of money to tell him that he's a cretin with a coiffure like a collie's matted ass hair, while Captain Cat 4 is going to spend a grand on pedals and hire a coach to tell him that one day if he pushes his marriage to the point of divorce that maybe he can finish in the top 50 at Battenkill.
But hey, they developed this stuff with noted cycling quack Dr. Allen Lim, so you know it works:
Just check out this great blurb:
Hey, you can't argue with results.
I do find it amusing though that expensive power meters are a hit with amateur bike racers, yet swallowing little thermometers never caught on.
I guess even Freds have their limits--and that limit is digging through their own stool to retrieve their expensive digital thermometers.
Speaking of people who swallow thermometers, one of Lim's old clients is going to ride the Tour route for charity, and Brian Cookson doesn't like it:
World cycling chief Brian Cookson on Tuesday blasted drug cheat Lance Armstrong’s plans to ride this year’s Tour de France route for charity, branding them “completely disrespectful.”
Armstrong, stripped of his seven Tour titles for doping offenses, has signed up to take part in the event, organized by former England football player Geoff Thomas.
I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, why shouldn't he get to hang around the Tour just because he doped? After all, the other dopers are not only welcome at the race, but they also get to hand out the prizes:
("Great job, young doper." "Thanks, old doper!")
Except for Hinault of course, who we all know was clean as a whistle:
(They should change his nickname from "The Badger" to "The Bouncer." Also, whistles aren't clean. They're full of spit and are disgusting.)
On the other hand, it's pretty pathetic that Armstrong still wants to hang around the Tour de France at this point. How hard does this bike race have to break up with him before he gets the message? I mean come on, get a life already. He's like the creepy guy who still hangs around his old high school:
Speaking of putting old wine into a new bottle, check this out:
So you like beards and woodworking:
(The beard protects your neck from flying wood shavings.)
But you've already got the giant pepper mill:
(Please refrain from "massive wood" comments. Or don't, what do I care?)
And the old-timey lamp:
("One, if by land, and two, if by pennyfarthing.")
Plus the steampunk lamp to supplement it because the old-timey lamp throws off about as much light as one of those tiny Bic lighters:
(Dirty interior decorating secret: households with artisanal lighting rely entirely on their iPhone flashlights in order to see.)
Well, I bet you don't have a handmade bottle holder for your bike:
Just strap it to your handlebars:
And then head out into a blizzard:
Or just get a St. Bernard, it's up to you:
I think he should make a steampunk power meter next.