Cycling and Money: Mutually Exclusive

As a semi-professional bike blogger, I sit upon a perch of privilege.  (It's called "the sofa.")  However, I also clip into my pedals one Sidi at a time, just like you saps.  In fact, I even receive unsolicited promotional emails from bicycle companies, and here's one from Xtracycle:

Hi Bike Snob,

Ever dreamed of owning your own business, by bike?

Wait a minute.  What do you mean by that?  The syntax is confusing.  Are you asking if I've ever dreamed of owning a bike-related business?  Or are you asking if, while riding my bicycle, I've ever slipped into a reverie about owning a business that may or may not be related to bicycles?  Also, I do "curate" a bike blog.  Does that count?

Nevertheless, I read on:

If so, check out how to get your own here.

I did check it out, and that's how I learned about the FruitBicycle:

Traditional vending bicycles are heavy, awkward, and just plain aren't fun. The FruitBicycle was designed to feel and ride like a normal bicycle. It can go anywhere a normal bicycle can go, and provide access to areas that other vehicles can't reach. While the ice cream truck remains stuck at the curb, the FruitBicycle can ride right into the action.

That last part is true, but only until the action runs past the FruitBicycle and right to the ice cream truck.  Come on, everybody knows the action follows the ice cream truck and not the other way around.  (This was 100% accurate by the way, at least in my experience.)  Put a FruitBicycle in the middle of the playground and an ice cream truck across six lanes of traffic and a barbed-wire fence and I can assure you those kids are still going to run to the ice cream truck.  Sure, the ones who survive the mad dash will eventually fall victim to juvenile diabetes, but you can't argue with chemistry.  Meanwhile, due to the same chemistry, kids will flee from the FruitCycle like grease in a dish soap commercial.

Alas, I'm not sure why bicycle businesses have to mean so well.  Fruit?  Why not just cash in?!?  After all, we used to sell ice cream by bicycle.  So how did we lose our way?

(Fuck fruit.)

A lot of factors contribute to keeping cycling down and marginalized in this country, but chief among them is our own crippling smugness, which forces us to make bad business decisions.  Punch through that smugness wall and the riches will pour in, I guarantee it.  That's why my bicycle business is going to be a car dealership:

The business plan is pretty straightforward: I'll ride to your home or office and sell you the motor vehicle of your choice.  All I need is an iPad and one of those obligatory inflatable dancing guys, which I'll put on the back of my Big Dummy:

(Never trust a car dealership that doesn't have one of these.)

All I need to do is launch a Kickstarter to raise the $349 I'll need for the 20-footer with the weather-resistant air dancer blower (18" diameter) and then--BAM!--instant mobile car dealership.

Then, I'll focus on cyclists and sell them cars to match their needs.  For example:

--Subarus, for the quasi-outdoor types;
--Hybrids and electrics for the smuggies;
--Hyundais for the people who are just like, "Fuck it."*

*GENERAL LEASE Disclaimer: Taxes, license, title, insurance, regionally required equipment may be extra, and are not included in the payments shown. Dealer administration fee of $372 is included in payment.  You are an idiot.  Lessee pays maintenance, excess wear and tear and $0.15 per mile charge for all mileage over 12,000 miles per year. Lease & APR Programs only available to customers with well qualified credit and approved through Toyota Financial Services. Fuck you.  Not all customers will qualify. Delivery must be taken from dealer stock by 7/9/2012 and is subject to availability. Bend over.  Customer's final payment may be higher or lower, depending on final transaction price. All leases require $1999 total due at signing plus any available rebates, some of which you must qualify for.  You are a sucker.  Click here to see details for the College Rebate, Military Rebate, Loyalty Rebate and Business Rebate.  There is no rebate, we hate students and soldiers.  Total due at signing amount includes first month’s payment, acquisition fee of $650.00, destination charge, customer capitalized cost reduction, dealer administration fee of $372 and security deposit of $0.  Open up and take it.  All leases are based on 36 base monthly payments.  Term may vary depending on final transaction agreement.  Some offers cannot be combined with other offers.  You can combine yourself with taking my load.  Advertised lease specials are based on specific models and options, however, we can customize a lease special for any new Shitbox you select based on the special lease rate available.  Call or email us for details.  Blow me.

Obviously, in addition to sales and leasing I will also provide bike rack consultation and configuration services, and I'll offer everything from the most basic trunk racks to the most sophisticated solutions for the cheesiest Freds:

By the way, attaching triathletes to SUVs with suction cups and anally impaling them on the noses of their saddles is pretty much the only way to keep them from crashing:

Of course, you're welcome to buy a car from me and skip the premium rack consultation services, but if you do you're on your own:

Then, when it's time for your vehicle to be serviced, I'll ride to your car, bring it to the nearest Jiffy Lube, return it for you, and charge you four times whatever they charge me.

Or you can stick to eating fruit and riding around on a family-style recumbent, it's up to you:

Meanwhile, speaking of the bicycle business of your dreams, someone's trying to market an electric all-wheel-drive fat bike:

Here are the inventors:

"Hi, I'm Tommy Coghill and I hold a degree in physics..."

By "degree" I'm assuming he means "took it in high school."

"...this is Mike Unclesbay, he's a world's record holder."

As convincing as the photo of him actually holding a world record may be, I wanted to learn more about what that record was for.  Like, did he jump a fat bike over the Grand Canyon, or did he stuff 1,500 marshmallows in his mouth?  Well, I turned to a popular search engine, but the results were inconclusive:

Still, it's hard to argue with their pitch:

Our "Grizzly" Fat Bike can cycle through any terrain and over many obstacles. Our "E-Grizzly" has a Front Hub Motor to create an All-Wheel Drive Fat Electric Bike. 

The E-Grizzly Bike literally has no limits. It can go upstairs, over logs, and over most any obstacle your bottom bracket can clear and even some it can’t. 

LITERALLY no limits?  Really?!?  So the bike spans the entire space-time continuum?

Then again, he does have a degree in physics, so maybe on some level this is true according to quantum mechanics or something.  (I never took physics, it was not a requirement for my New York State Regents Diploma.)  In fact, maybe the wheels are powered by "Quantum Jumping," which is the brainchild of one Burt Goldman:

You can probably imagine the looks I get when I describe Quantum Jumping to people: it’s a technique for ‘jumping’ into alternate universes, meeting alternate versions of yourself, and using their wisdom and skills to live your ideal life.

Seems legit.

But at its core, Quantum Jumping is simply an advanced visualization exercise. You’re tapping into your subconscious mind, where are infinite number of realities and possibilities are waiting to be discovered. Anything that can be, is.

Scoff if you will, but there's virtually no difference between this and the idea that you can become a better cyclist by hiring a coach or buying the latest crabon Fredcycle:

Which is why I can safely say you don’t need any form of meditation or visualization talent, or any form of gift whatsoever. No matter what your experience is, Quantum Jumping empowers you with all the skills, knowledge, wisdom and experience you’ll ever need.

Hmmm, so you can be preternaturally awesome despite an utter lack of talent?  This could almost be an article in "Bicycling."

Of course, if you don't want to pay for the "Quantum Jumping" course, you could probably experience the same effect by simply getting baked--which, according to the "Wall Street Journal," is the latest performance-enhancement technique:

Ultramarathons last anywhere from 30 to 200 miles, and typically crisscross mountainous terrain and rocky trails. Runners endure stomach cramps and intense pain in their muscles and joints. Competitors often quit after a sudden loss of motivation, matched with the boredom of running for upward of 24 hours straight.


“The person who is going to win an ultra is someone who can manage their pain, not puke and stay calm,” said veteran runner Jenn Shelton. “Pot does all three of those things.”

I would argue that if you have to get stoned in order to complete a task then the task is a complete waste of time and you probably shouldn't begin that task in the first place.  In addition to running 200 miles, other pointless tasks of this nature include:

--Playing computer games;
--Listen to Emerson, Lake and Palmer albums;
--Reading this blog.

So there you go.

And in other cutting-edge sporting news, some company is trying to push airbags for skiers:

During the development process, Dainese worked with athletes from a number of national federations to solicit feedback, and Cafaggi disputed Sullivan’s claim that anyone who wore the airbags would be at a disadvantage in terms of speed. Early versions of the system were actually deemed by F.I.S. to be advantageous to skiers who wore them, Cafaggi said. After frequent wind-tunnel testing, the current models were found to be “aerodynamically neutral.”

Which can only mean that cyclists will be forced to wear this technology within the next ten years.  After all, we've already got the helments:



So why not go all the way?

Lastly, hell hath no smugness like a Park Slope cyclist unjustly ticketed:

Evidently, Doug "Brooklyn Spoke" Gordon took a picture of a cyclist getting ticketed, immediately after which he was ticketed himself for "running" a light that was in fact green:

If you follow me on Twitter, you’ll know that I frequently take pictures of cops ticketing cyclists. If you follow constitutional law, you’ll know that taking pictures of cops ticketing cyclists is not a reason for the cops to then pull you over. Nevertheless, I continued northbound on 5th toward Bergen Street to make my way to work. But then I heard it: “CYCLIST, PULL OVER.” Okay, I thought. Taking a picture of a police officer is not a crime and I’ve done nothing wrong. I stopped in front of Gorilla Coffee at Park Place and 5th Avenue, about four blocks from Lincoln Place.

The officer exited his car and demanded to see my ID. I initially refused, and instead demanded to know what the officer thought I had done. He once again demanded to see my ID. Once again, I refused. I can’t say that I was as cool or calm as I could have been, but I also know that the police can’t just stop a person and ask for identification without saying why. I refused again, and demanded to know what the officer thought I did. At this point he told me that he observed me running a red light and that he would arrest me if I did not provide him with my identification. I told him that I did not run a red light, but he said he saw me go straight through the light on 5th Avenue, which would have had me traveling from a direction from which it would have been impossible for me to travel, given the location of my daughter’s daycare and my normal route to work. 

Sounds about right.

My feelings regarding bike lanes, "livable streets," and so forth in New York City changes roughly every few months, and at the moment my feeling is that we're never going to pull it off.  Sure, the idea of transforming the gentrified neighborhoods of Brooklyn and beyond into some sort of quaint pre-war railroad suburb is a well-meaning one, but between the massive population density and the police department I think the end result is simply going to be a bunch of really expensive areas where cars still rule.  Therefore, the most reasonable course of action when you're riding a bike within the city limits is probably to do whatever the fuck you can get away with, and if you want the incredibly civil yet expensive pre-war railroad suburb then you should probably give up on Brooklyn and just move to one.

Then again, I'll probably feel differently once the snow melts.