Wednesday, February 11, 2015

This Wednesday Was Manufactured Overseas But Assembled In The U.S.A. (Which Is Why The Fork's On Backwards.)

The following video was forwarded to me by a reader, and while it's a year old and has already been viewed over a million times, it is both seasonally appropriate and highly entertaining:



This is proof, as if you needed it, that you do not need to pass an IQ test in order to purchase a motor vehicle or obtain a driver's license, and that even the most sophisticated all-wheel drive system is utterly useless if you're stupid.  It also underscores the fact that we're all "sharing" the streets with a bunch of addled morons.  Is it any reason drivers keep running over people?  Can you imagine how bent out of shape this dimwit must get when he has to slow down for a cyclist for a half a minute?

Anyway, I really hope that guy drove up from Florida and had never seen snow before, because even the most incompetent driver should be able to get out of that spot in no more than a few seconds.

Speaking of Florida, yesterday I mentioned world record holder Mike Unklesbay, and a reader pointed out that the reason I couldn't find any information about his feat was that I'd spelled his name wrong.  Here's the story:


("Peddles?")

Specifically, he's set a record for off-road miles ridden in a 24-hour period:

The 41-year-old Port Orange man has counted a lot of them as an endurance mountain-bike racer. And Tuesday, he set off on the beach near Frank Rendon Park to log 24 hours of beach riding and perhaps a place in the Guinness Book of Records.

Here's a closer look at the bike setup, which as far as I can tell is not electric:



And here's the gripping video:



I like the mid-ride interview, because he's clearly under the impression that he's doing something monumentally important:


Hey, we've all been there.  What amateur bike racer among us has not accepted a bottle hand-up with an expression of tortured self-importance?

(Also, what cyclist among us does not hold some sort of world record?  I'm fairly sure I hold the one for most miles traveled without a crotchal adjustment.)

And here's Unklesbay's record if you're feeling spunky:


(But how many times did he adjust?)

Though I don't think it should count because he did it on a beach.

With the exception of the Invasion of Normandy, nothing of any significance was ever accomplished on a beach.

I am, however, impressed that he was still riding in the "sport" class as recently as 2012:


It just goes to show that if you devote an inordinate amount of time to riding bicycles you can get into the local newspaper.

Meanwhile, the big news in cycling is that a giant underground bike park has opened in Louisville, Kentucky:


The complex includes more than 45 trails marked by different technical skills and riding styles — and by features such as jumps and a cargo container that been integrated into a bike overpass.

Having attended the IMBA World Summit last year I know they're way into these bike parks, which they feel represent the way forward, at least for the baggy-pants bike-jumping set.  I, however, have mixed feelings about them.  On one hand, they're pretty cool, and I would have been all over them when I was like 12.  On the other hand, I watched the video, and it put me to sleep faster than a canary in a coal mine:



Mostly though I can't help feeling suspicious of any enterprise that conspires to force cyclists underground, because it's fairly obvious that once these things get popular enough they're going to seal us up inside and be done with us.

In fact, I tweeted as much, and moments later erstwhile New York City Department of Transportation Commissioner Janette Sadik-Khan expressed a similar sentiment regarding another underground scheme:
This plan, which exists only in goofy renderings submitted to some contest for urban planning dorks, involves turning old subway tunnels into bike and pedestrian paths:



A proposal from the global architecture firm Gensler, the London Underline would transform abandoned London Underground tunnels into subterranean cycletracks and pedestrian paths. The plan calls for reclaiming disused infrastructure, along the lines of New York's High Line or the proposed Dupont Underground in Washington, D.C. Plus, the London Underline would ostensibly provide a few connector routes for cyclists (and pedestrians, and even tourists).

Evidently, the smuggies don't like it:

Lately, London finds itself enamored with all sorts of magpie infrastructure. That's the term that Mikael Colville-Andersen of Copenhagenize coined for a certain kind of architecture or planning that's more glitter than gold. Ferris wheels, streetcars, and plenty of high-profile, high-design building plans fall under this rubric: Shiny things that catch the eye but can't be taken seriously.

Hey, Mikael Colville-Andersen singlehandedly invented urban cycling advocacy, so there you go.

Then again, this guy likes it, so how bad can it be?


If only I could Photoshop, I would insert Thumbs-Up-Boris-Bike Guy into everything.

They seriously fucked up those renderings though by not including Bret:


Those goddamn tunnels were made for him.

Anyway, between underground bike parks in Louisville and repurposed tube lines in London we should all be transformed into Morlocks within a generation:


(Obligatory Morlock reference.)

Alas, only American manufacturing--or at least assembly--can save us:


Kent International has supplied bikes to Walmart for many years. But their bikes produced in Manning will be the first U.S.-assembled bikes sold in our stores in more than a decade. Watch how they’re making a difference – and why we’re proud to work with them as part of our $250 billion commitment to purchase more products that support American jobs.

Here's the heartwarming video:


Just stay on the sidewalk where you belong.


74 comments:

Anonymous said...

Podium

Anonymous said...

Second!

Paul Kirby said...

Third?

gbtco said...

and next

Anonymous said...

Podi 360 no scope

Anonymous said...

comment?

cycle

K-Bo said...

Who's got the Guiness record for BSNYC pdoium victories?

P. Bateman said...

hell yeah. i'm on the west coast and still made top 10.

GET SOME, pussy

groanhammer said...

smokey robinson is my future self

JB said...

Where does riding a tandem fall in the Fred/recumbent/beard/plastic/helment-mirror continuum? I saw a schweet one on the CL.

le Correcteur said...

Top ten, and I watched the angry driver in snow video all the way through.

If stupidity involves doing the same set of actions over and over again, and expecting a different outcome, he's very, very stupid!

I am a very smart robot!

le Correcteur said...

Scheisse, called top ten, spent too much time boasting, ended up top twenty!

dop said...

We beg Mr Unklesbay to steer clear of turtle nests and watch out for cars cruising on the beach

Spokey said...

top billion woo-hoo

Anonymous said...

This bears repeating:

"This is proof, as if you needed it, that you do not need to pass an IQ test in order to purchase a motor vehicle or obtain a driver's license, and that even the most sophisticated all-wheel drive system is utterly useless if you're stupid.

Simple and true, another sentence from the Snob that should hang in the Writer's Hall of Fame.

Bryan said...

Walmart bikes...still assembled by the same person who stocks the produce.

I mean it's good for my state, jobs are good, mkay? But Walmart bikes? Walmart bikes are bad, mkay, and you shouldn't ride them.

Waiting on my Brooks delivery today...can the mail just get here already???

JLRB said...

So here I am trying to floff off and I actually learned something about the neighborhood near where I "work" - not only is there a set of unused tunnels, but some designer douche is going to lose money using the space

Frilly Chick said...

Wow. Just wow on the bad driver.

JB said...

The pissed-off driver is, of course, an idiot. About a year ago, that Jeep model was pretty new, so he got one and thought "I can't wait for it to snow, I'll be golden in my Jeep 4x4 beeatches!" The problem is that he's "high centered," meaning the bottom of the car is scraping on the snow and taking weight off of the 4 wheels. Less weight on wheels, less available force to move forward (plus more needed force to drag the bottom of the car through the snow) = stuck. You ever see those hardcore jeeps with the gas cans strapped to the back? Ever wonder why they usually also have a shovel?

I hold the 2.27-hour record on my local trail. You guys are the first I've told about it.

London underground biking tunnels: Best Conceptual Project = not based in reality. I do like their vision of ladies walking around in knee-high boots wearing no pants.

Kent bikes? Weren't they even worse than a Huffy? I guess the cast-iron pipe market is waning?

Carry on.

JB said...

Frills!

Anonymous said...

"Feels good to go to work everyday"... I think she is doing it wrong.

Spokey said...

forget the turtles. toss da bum in jail for speeding. 285 miles in 24 hours? that's almost 12 mph! even i saw the 10 mph speed limit sign @ 2:02. Tar and feathers coming. after skinning him alive that is.

Frilly Chick said...

Was that Grant's Trail JB? Pathletes! Ha ha ha ha!

wishiwasmerckx said...

JB, really? All he had to do was put the damn thing in reverse and let gravity assist him in transitioning from snow to plowed travel lane.

P. Bateman said...

angry car guy made a big mistake when he bought a Heep. should have gone with a landcruiser.

and he's not from florida snob, if he were from florida he would have at least had some decent 33's on that sonuma bitch.

you want bad drivers, just visit san francisco as i'm doing this week. like watching monkeys fucking footballs.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...i tried for the world record of the longest erection on a moving bike... but each time i saw a fred on the road, i'd go limp. maybe i should try it on the beach.

The Robot Engineer said...

I still think that "Mike Unklesbay" is a Pig Latin alias for "Mike Bunkles."

PotbellyJoe said...

I love the repurposing trend of infrastructure and architecture right now. So near-sighted.

I was reading an article today about what should be done with Michigan Central in Detroit. The answer is obvious, tear it down and put something cheaper to maintain and easier to fill in its place, but you can't say things like that or people who left the city due to "the coloreds" will miss a historical landmark. Lob forbid we tear down decrepit old buildings that serve no purpose. Some of the suggestions were to convert it into a home for abused spouses and children. What a GREAT IDEA, that way the large and obvious building can be an ever present reminder of where that abuser's ex lives with their kids. What could go wrong?!

So it's like that for subway lines now. We have this brilliant tunnel system that for some reason or another has gone dormant, and our idea, rather than find a way to bring in business, or seal it up forever is to turn it into a park. No ideas on how to pay the electricity to light it, no ideas on where and how to build emergency "There's a black man in a hoodie, I need to escape" hatches. No concept of life in general. Really they just don't want bikes on the road anymore because they are tired of them going past them while the drivers are paying congestion tolls to sit in bumper-to-bumper traffic. (See Top Gear's London, the bike wins.)

I have the world record. Least concern given to how I look to people driving by me while I'm out riding. It stands as a tie at 0 Fs given.

Vernal Magina said...

I liked the very dramatic seat height adjustment in the video of the WORLD RECORD SETTING beach ride.

That was my favorite part.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Great video of the dingbat stuck in the snow. Made my day.

Rode my bicycle to work today. It was nice.

Hey Frilly! -Nice to see your kitty.

samh said...

Thank you for the further information regarding the 24 off-road record, Mr. Snob.

Anonymous said...

See, in the end all the swearing and jumping around actually helped the dumb driver.

I'll have to remember that next time.

Elect Me said...

Stewart for President

Old-timer said...

Will someone PLEASE answer the goddamn telephone! I’m a little BUSY here! Reading...

rhyme time said...

Hi Lucy, nice to see your poosy!

naturally said...

Kent International

I have mixed feelings about them building bieks in Canada's scranus when bieking manufacturing moves around the world just like clothing.

What impoverished country is next after China? Bangladesh? No. Some sub-saharan African country? No.

U.S.eh? Yes!

See what I mean?

Ryan Kelley said...

I am looking forward to seeing a "compare and review" article on Walmart bikes made in the States vs. Walmart bikes made overseas.

flambe` said...

Help me out on this one. It seems like ragin SUV dude has modern all-wheel drive, not old-fashioned 4-wheel drive.

Yes? No? Maybe?

leroy said...

My dog didn't get the gig he wanted as Hallmark's Valentine's Day spokesdog, but he doesn't seem very upset.

Probably because he's never considered himself a working breed.

He says he's giving away Valentine's Day cards.

No assembly required.

BikeSnobNYC said...

wishiwasmerckx,

Yes, the fact he's fighting the snow AND gravity is the best part.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

bad boy of the north said...

Ahh...the video.nice to see that whoever(?) was recording the event,bothered to run down and lend a hand.not.

BikeSnobNYC said...

wishiwasmerckx,

By the way, fairly sure the Stuck Jeep Freakout video is in Yonkers--and here's the bizarro version.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

josh neeley said...

Angry guy did the right thing by grabbing those paper towels out of the back seat and rubbing one out. Thereby reducing his stress level and allowing cooler heads(pun) to prevail.

Anonymous said...

I think the guy in the suv was enjoying. Why else get the kleenex from the back?

JLRB said...

Let's see - I have a big pile of snow in front of me and a fairly clear space behind me ... yep - I know it because I got out and checked that a few times. Time to gun it on ice and try to plow over the big pile of snow, uphill.

I only hope that the Snob mobile car dealership imposes an IQ test on purchasers.

dcee604 said...

I've done something significant on a beach before...built a castle.

Freddy Murcks said...

Snob @3:40 - Is that the same car as in the anger freakout vid? It definitely looks like the same car. And the freakout guy did prove himself completely unable to operate a car in a safe manner (or any manner at all), so it seems that it could definitely be the same.

JLRB said...

every day I ride I set a new world record for someone who is uniquely me to ride as far as I do at that average speed that occurred on that day under those weather conditions.

babble on said...

Frilllly!! Welcome home. :) XX

I prolly hold the record for the greatest number of badass crashes in one year. Oh, and dain bramage. Most dead brain cells....

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

I think I was concieved on the beach. That was monumental in my book.

wishiwasmerckx said...

BSNYC, just call it a hunch, but that wouldn't be YOUR car that the bank owns in that "bizzaro" video, would it?

J. W. Gacy said...

Hey snob I lost your address. Send it to me again. The kid's birthday party is Saturday 1PM. Correct?


Pogo the Clown

Anonymous said...

http://legisweb.state.wy.us/2015/Introduced/HB0206.pdf

Regular guy said...

That bike cave is pretty cool, but I'd worry about Radon gas exposure.

My grandpappy's from around there, and if I ever go in search of my roots, I would give it a go.

And who was singing that song? Sounded like either Paul Simon, or Bod Dylan on a good day.

Anonymous said...

Morloks rule

M. Orlok said...

Eloi have tight cunovotises, are extremely compliant & and have all the time in the world on their hands. Plus they are great bbq'ed or spit roasted.

BamaPhred said...

Yeah, I got nothing to offer Jeep guy. Get some chains. Works for me.
Was in Franklin, TN today. I was ambushed by a quartet of Segway riding hipsters. I nearly had a seizure.

Anonymous said...

I drove thru that Mega Cavern a couple of months ago. It was full of Kripmus lights. I was fired up for it until I saw all the "peaky" jumps. I like my jumps like my melons......nice and round with plenty of surface area in the event of a trajectory miscalculation.

Anonymous said...

Back in the sub- seventies I broke my NuTs on a Kent, seems th metal was a little week at the crank bolt it riped and I hit the ToP tube under full power! yikkes I still feel it ouuwhch £#%[][]**

57Jeeper said...

Great video of the idiot stuck on a plowed Street, and with a jeep yet.

Even a great vehicle doesn't correct for no common sense.

You know what they say about having 4 wheel drive, it just means you can go 50 feet further into the mud before you get stuck.

Mr Sandman said...

Michael Urkelsbay Moutnian Biek beach cycling. Geez. Why am I up at 3;33AM reading this stuff?

McFly said...

Mother Earth (aka gravity) and the Jeep kept working in accordance by going in reverse to get unstuck but Homer Simpson just kept on hammering it in the forward direction. He actually stopped it from freeing itself many times. Stupid human.

Vikas Kiro said...

Nice Post

dop said...

Is it me, or is scranus like a combination of scrotum & anus?

JLRB said...

Looks like scranus
Smells like scranus
Tastes like anus


le Correcteur said...

flambe`, February 11, 2015 at 3:21 PM:

Modern cars no longer offer locking differentials; you have to add them yourself to your vehicle. Locking diffs would have pulled him out in a second, assuming he learned that more throttle is not better when driving in ice or snow.

You could have gotten out of that with a 2wd car, with just a little care, and maybe a little rocking between D and R on the no-doubt automatic tranny.

H. George Wells said...

Morlok's BBQ specializing in Eloi short ribs and prepubescent brisket. We're located at the corner of Scrotum and Anus in NonColonial Williamsburg.

my cousin vinny said...

And we all know how important a limited-slip differential is, when you're stuck in our Alabama mud

nate said...

Late to the party and [don't] hate to rain on parades or beach cruises, but seems pretty clear that at least one guy rode more than 285 miles in 24 hours at the 24 hours in the Old Pueblo last year. http://liveresults.epicrides.com/24results/default.aspx?event=2014
(That's assuming that 18 x 16.1 is indeed more than 285, which electronic calculating machines seem to confirm.)

jwm said...

Kudos to the guy getting 285 beach miles in 24 hours. But let's just say if you're using aerobars, you have a different definition of off-road than I do.

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