Monday, February 9, 2015

"Every mile is two in winter." (The metric system, however, is unaffected by cold.)

Remember the YikeBike?



Incredibly it failed to completely revolutionize urban transport.  Nevertheless, it's back with a Kickstarter:



As you ponder this contraption, two questions likely spring to mind: 1) Why would you want to ride around town like you're sitting on a toilet?; and 2) Why is it called the "YikeBike" when it's quite clearly a YikeTrike?


Well, they're not saying, but I suppose these are the qualities that make it "unique:"

Unique

Every part of a YikeBike is for a reason and everything is in its place.  Its uncompromised design with structured clean lines balances both form and function.  YikeBike is a mobile piece of art that stands proud and performs.

Stands proud and performs?  How can they say this when the rider is quite clearly sitting there with his arms at his sides and grasping a pair of handles like he's straining against a recalcitrant bowel movement?

The YikeBike also gives you "freedom:"

Freedom

YikeBike creates your personal freedom.  Freedom from congestion, freedom from rush hour traffic, freedom from parking hassles and freedom from fuel bills.  YikeBike gives the freedom you have desired for so long.

Let's not forget freedom from dignity, as well as the freedom to annoy the fuck out of people on the sidewalk:


I also note he's riding an actual two-wheeled YikeBike, which would explain why he's wearing a helment.

I'm guessing they offer the three-wheeler so riders can skirt those Antipodean helment laws.

Speaking of flashbacks from yesteryear, here's a story about an alleycat--specifically the "Stupor Bowl" in Minneapolis--that appeared on a snarky sports blog recently:


Follow me, fellow ruiners, as we simultaneously get a piece of and help destroy an ill event. I did a little light dusting and vacuuming, and then hurried on down to One On One. Snow was not a factor this year, and 20-degree (above zero) temps were just cold enough to encourage picturesque layering and de rigueur shorts 'n tights combo.




The story starts out promisingly enough (by which I mean it is a half-assed facsimile of something you might find on this blog), however it quickly goes downhill when it turns out the writer didn't even participate in the event.  Instead, after the race starts she she simply gets into her car and lamely drives to one of the checkpoints:

Having discovered through intense over-the-shoulder eyeballing that one checkpoint was on my way home, I hopped in my car and drove straight there. Two young women, dressed in layers of tired nylon and acrylic, were lining up cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon on a frozen plastic picnic table, so I sensed this must be the checkpoint. Their delight when they thought I was there to help make sure racers drank their beer and check off manifests with a Sharpie was only matched by the sudden draining of mojo when I said I was there to write about the goings on.

Pathetic.

"What's Deadspin?" one volunteer asked.

What is it indeed?

Meanwhile, in a sunnier clime, LA Weekly has taken an in-depth look at the exploding semi-professional alleycat-cum-fixie-crit-whatever-it's-called scene:


Complete with platitudinous competitor interviews:



Like it our not, this may be the future of domestic bike racing:

Everyone who's anyone in L.A. competitive cycling is here, for an event that not only reveals who's fastest on two wheels but is also the last chance for riders to score points in the Unified Title Series before a men's and women's champion is crowned. An announcer shouts, "It doesn't get any bigger than this, folks!"

This is probably true that it doesn't get any bigger than this.  After all, what's more interesting: a bunch of roadies sponsored by a vacuum cleaner company, or some guy who used to steal cars?  The same thing goes for participation, and if you're going to pursue competitive cycling you're far better off doing this than going the USA Cycling route.  Both paths will ultimately prove fruitless, and you'll squander the best years of your life racing bikes for free promotional products, but at least as a semi-professional fixed-gear-critalleycatter-whatever you'll probably get laid if you're halfway decent at it, whereas "legitimate" bike racers have the charisma and raw sex appeal of Mormon missionaries.

I suppose you could argue cyclocross may be the future of domestic bike racing, given what happened in Austin I wouldn't say the discipline's on an upward trajectory in this country at the moment.

Finally, have you ever had the feeling you're being stalked by a guy in a pink tank top riding a beach cruiser?


I'm guessing that guy's either CIA or Mossad.


66 comments:

Old-timer said...

Huh? What?

streepo said...

scranus

JB said...

Podio? (nipped?)

PotbellyJoe said...

He's probably just trying to make sense of the Kia Soul. What a narcissist.

Anonymous said...

Woah

shining trapezoid said...

I'm just here to write about it

K-Bo said...

IGNORE ME!!!!

JB said...

In Florida, that's what happens when you use Apple Maps to find the new vapor shop.

I'll be getting right back to you said...

TEAM L-DOPA YikeBike racing team is accepting applications for ... eh! I forgot. But when I remember I'll get back to you. BYOB*

Also NEW CAT 7 formulated for upcoming YikeBike racing season. Helments optional.

*Bring your own bong

Anonymous said...

More Snow

Bryan said...

Couldn't watch the YikeBike kickstarter video after they called it a true change and innovation - sorry, but it is a scaled down penny farthing with the handlebars in the wrong location.

There's only one thing to do when someone is looking at you with binoculars and taking pictures....moon him. Maybe let a turtle head poke out. That should send most people away.

Twob Rake said...

Guy in pink tanktop is Cycling Dave.

McFly said...

If you replace YikeBike with Yoga Pants it makes much more sense.


Every part of a Yoga Pants is for a reason and everything is in its place. Its uncompromised design with structured clean lines balances both form and function. Yoga Pants is a mobile piece of art that stands proud and performs.

BamaPhred said...

No, I mercifully forgot about the YikeBiek. Thanks for the new nightmares. That's a tank top? Looks like a ripped up pink tshirt. Go hit him over the head with a broomstick and tell him to scram. When he pedals away jam the broomstick in his spokes.

Matt said...

That Deadspin article was amazingly lame. It's like covering the Olympics from watching them on tape-delay at home.

the_slammer said...

Both paths will ultimately prove fruitless

Indeed. That LA Weekly article mentions a guy over the moon about getting a bike as 'sponsorship.' The brand is out $150 and this guy feels like he just did something meaningful with his life. Yeesh.

I have to give some credit to someone at the LAPD who is thinking practically in that article. LAPD needs more of that. If only the Westside wasn't so obsessed with jailing people they fear.

Flyover BC said...

The guy in the pink shirt is aging Mossad hit-man Gabriel Allon, in the guise of artisanal bike restorer.

Anonymous said...

Shocking the Yike Bike is not catching on, a top speed of 14mph and a range of 12 miles all for the low, low price of $8,000. where can I get one?

DB said...

I sent Snob the LA Weekly article. I was impressed that LAPD let them shut down some streets for bike racing.
Snob: Hope the NYT didn't find your shell corporation ownership of your condo in the Time-Warner building.

Anonymous said...

You would think the Yike Bike designers would first think about the most important specs of the product, speed and range, before deciding to put 4 years of your life into it. Also it seems about as stable as riding down hill in a shopping cart. Congratulations, you lose!

CommieCanuck said...

Yikebike Triathlete.

crosspalms said...

Does LA's underground cycling world include Morlocks?

The Earl of Scheib said...

YikeBike options.

-Afghani chemical IV Ego Assist

-Hipster correct graphics package

-Crabon handlebar spoiler

-Detachable Gas Mask Bong

Dean Kamen said...

"Shocking the Yike Bike is not catching on, a top speed of 14mph and a range of 12 miles all for the low, low price of $8,000. where can I get one?"

Your local Segway dealer. $6,500+/-, 12.5 MPH top speed and 24 mile range.

Grump said...

Yikes!!!!!

That Yike Bike looks like a mini PF, and will have the same problems that the "full sized" PF's had. In other words, you hit a small put hole, and you take a "header"...You know, a face plant. I see that "feedback" told them that "I can't ride this F'n thing without falling on my ass" Now they have a "Yike Trike", for Brain impaired customers. (as in all of them)

Jed said...

I would fund the yikebike just for the ensuing faceplant videos. Thats where the gold is.

babble on said...

Yikes. Where does the poo go?

You would love Vancouver, McFly. Yoga pants are the soccer mum's uniform here. Apparently they make driving the SUV that much more comfortable.

Podium kisses, gentlemen. XX
Drugs are supposed to make you faster, but I wasn't even in the running...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I took a vacation last week to s-w florida. Saw lots of old peeps riding bieks and one hipster on a fixie peddling to beat hell. It got above 70 F every day.

Back to the drudgery of the 9 to 5 and snarky bike blogs.

BamaPhred said...

So where do I sign up for the race/event where i can wear my underpants on the outside of my bibshorts? Aside from riding in my own artsy, picturesque locale, of course.

G. Orwell said...

Saw a guy with a telescoping antenna coming out of the top of his helmet. One of those silver ones like TV's had decades ago before 200 a month cable bills. When I saw him I immediately thought NSA.

1904 Cadardi said...

Saying "legitimate" bike racers have the charisma and raw sex appeal of Mormon missionaries is an offense to Mormon missionaries. At least they look somewhat dapper with neatly pressed white shirts and black ties.

A conversation between two woman overheard at a bike race, "It's a good thing I like guys with skinny sunken chests."

CommieCanuck said...

yeah, what did women wear in Vancouver before yoga pants? There should be a monument in Stanley Park to Joseph Shivers, who invented Spandex in 1958.
I also noticed that if you buy a $60,000-80,000 SUV in Vancouver, you have to be real careful over speed bumps.

babble on said...

Commie... I dunno, it has been so long I can't recall anything other than the ubiquitous lycra stretchy legging. Camping gear, at best. We make the worlds Worst Dressed Cities list for good reason, y'know. Um, and when did it become acceptable to wear tights as trousers?!! I love a gorgeous gorgeous ass as much as the next person, but there's something disturbing about watching a whole city full of cellulite laden arses waddle about in what grandma would most definitely view as underwear.

LOL!! But then again, I am the world's greatest hypocrite, given the cheek I flashed on spokeNscene this week. :)

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

I had a YikeTrike years ago. Cost less than 8 grand too.

http://ekidstricycle.com/myimages/OriginalBigWheelTricycle1.jpg

JLRB said...

there is some stoopid stoof on the interweb

Ryan Kelley said...

That guy in the pink wasn't me.

babble on said...

Methinks he doth protest too loudly... ;)

Anonymous said...

Snob, for some reason I just really like this sentence, "I suppose you could argue cyclocross may be the future of domestic bike racing, given what happened in Austin I wouldn't say the discipline's on an upward trajectory in this country at the moment." Keep up the good work.

bad boy of the north said...

That wasn't bruce j in the pink shirt was it?(not that there's anything with it)

DB said...

For you Folks in the Northeast:
10 days before Pitchers and Catchers report.

dop said...

For all you New Yorkers: 40 days until trout season.

Freddy Murcks said...

The YikeBike might also give you freedum from those pesky front teeth when you fall flat on your face the first time you hit a crack in the pavement while riding astride the YikeBike.

Dooth said...

Fishing and baseball! Thanks, DB/dop, for that timely and much-needed reminder.
And yikes!
The Yike Bike is yucky.

L.A. said...

“How many time do I have to say it?!

“I NEVER tested positive.“

Anonymous said...

Pink shirt was probably some bird watcher mistaken for a loon.

Happens all the time.

Unless the home dweller was Freeway Rick.

BamaPhred said...

Babble, you may be on to something with the Lycra as trousers. Alabama and spandex, a match made in hell. Except now it has gone upscale as yoga pants.

babble on said...

I just thank my lucky stars that there are so many gorgeous, fit girls here in Vancouver. Even out in the valley, a mere 100 km out of town, you can see a marked increase in the rates of obesity, though there are just as many lycra clad asses out there as here in town. Not Lululemon lycra, though, cause Chip refused to make his yoga pants in sizes extra large.

Grandma would roll over in her grave. She always told me to get up, dress up, and show up if I want to be successful. She was up early and fully dressed, hair, make-up, nails and all by eight am every day, because she believed that if you look better you feel better, and feeling better helps you perform better. She was a class act, gran, and she never, ever wore lycra tights as trousers.

Um... anon @ 7:28? That loon was prolly Canadian. We embrace our loonies. Built the Bank of Canada around em n'all...

dop said...

Careful DB...there will be videos of baseball players & cyclists falling off their bikes

Not a New Yorker said...

Yike Bike looks like riding a child's tricycle sitting on the handlebars

The One Eyed Trouser Trout said...

Its open season all the time. Has yet to fill his limit this year, however.

dop said...

naked ladies falling off bikes



ok, I lied

Tejas Kafuckski said...

All this talk of lycra has the camera of me mind flashing classic camel memories. Like Stevie Ray sang 'the mind is a terrible thang.

I Forgot said...

*camel toe




sheeesh!

BrianPDX said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Like Bike said...

Yike Bike? Why not just ride a 'real bike' and accomplish the same goal without the shame.

Mikhail said...

Really love your blog!

Have you seen this article about some guy who is kind of an anti-Brunelle? http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/active/10851988/Traffic-Droid-the-cyclist-fighting-for-justice-on-our-roads.html

Helen said...

OK, so you are probably all over this already...

http://tinderinbrooklyn.tumblr.com/post/106532773414/you-guys-a-statement-tee-well-i-never-my

dop said...

I'd walk a mile for a camel toe

ce said...

A couple years ago one of my workmates ordered a Wolfpack Hustle t-shirt. It must have been one of the only orders they had received from Australia because in the correspondence the guy/girl on the other end was really curious what the fixed gear/alleycat race scene, or whatever, was like down in Singleton, Australia. I thought this was funny because my mate was the fixie scene in Singo. He was the only fakenger in the village.

Anyway, he got his shirt and he gave me one of the stickers that came with it - looks pretty cool on my toolbox I must admit.

Anonymous said...

Something is wrong with the comments scranus

bad boy of the north said...

thanks dop......for the link.funny.

Camel Toe Joe said...

More stretchy Lycra orimafookingkillya!

crosspalms said...

Jesus, dop, that was painful! I laughed anyway, but ouch.

dop said...

my heart is with the kid riding the mtb down stairs while his parents are away

Martyn Ashton said...

Pop a slight wheelie when going off a jump and land on the rear wheel.

Anonymous said...

I'll take "Things the Girl in the Over Shorts Hears a Lot" for $400 Alex....

What is "Do you mind if I finish up from behind?"