Thursday, January 15, 2015

Survey Says: There Is No Tri; There Is Only Duh.

Did you know the TV show "Family Feud" still exists?  Well, incredibly, it does, though presumably only so they can continue to use it as the premise for "Saturday Night Live" skits.  Even more surprisingly, it turns out they also have "Family Feud" in Australia--though unsurprisingly they use it to bait cyclists, since Australia is arguably the least bike-friendly country on the planet:


But Australian cyclist community were less than amicable when their national Family Feud broadcast chose the category "What is something annoying that a cyclist might do?" for its game show question, with horrific offenses like “ring a bell,” “wear Lycra,” and even more discouragingly, “everything,” appearing as answers.

You can watch the actual video here:


And cyclists aren't the only group Australian "Family Feud" has it in for either:

In October last year the show faced fierce criticism after it suggested jobs for women commonly include hairdressing, reception work and domestic duties such as washing clothes and doing the dishes.

All of this is certainly irritating, but at the same time it's difficult to get too upset.  After all, we're talking about "Family Feud" here, which is arguably the least culturally relevant TV show still broadcasting.  It's like when a nonagenarian makes a racist comment: sure, you're tempted to call them out on it, but ultimately it's not worth the energy since they've got one foot in the grave anyway and it's a lot easier to just let them die.*

*[I apologize to any and all non-racist nonagenarians reading this blog.  May you live to see 100, and may you remain spry enough to beat the crap out of your brittle-boned racist peers.  By the way, for your convenience, there's a special large print version of the blog available here.]

Anyway, let's turn our attention to a group that really deserves ridicule: triathletes.  Just as technology is revolutionizing the sport of cycling (and by "revolutionizing" I mean keeping it exactly the same, only you need to charge all your accessories now), it's also helping triathletes continue to be as mediocre at three disciplines as they can be.  To this end, a reader informs me that the latest advancement is GPS for your goggles so you don't get lost at sea:


IOLITE is a high-precision tracking device that is worn on the back of your swim goggles. IOLITE will send real time feedback during a swim directly to your goggles through a small LED array to give you the most efficient swim possible. IOLITE will analyze the direction you are swimming and as you veer off course, the LEDs will notify you what direction you need to swim to stay on course with significantly reduced sighting throughout the process.

Yes, it's so simple even a triathlete can use it!  You've got your green light which means you're going in the right direction:


You've got your yellow light which means you're not:



You've got your red light which means you're wildly adrift and about to go full Tom Hanks in "Castaway:"


And then of course you've got the all-important "You're about to become chum!" warning:


Then if by some miracle the triathlete manages to successfully complete the swim, he or she will attempt to mount a bicycle with varying levels of "success:"


I never get tired of that video.

The developer who invents an app to help triathletes get on their bicycles will become very rich indeed.

Speaking of triathletes, here's a gripping psychodrama about a tridork disappearing down the emotional rabbit hole of swimming, biking, and running:


Run is a psychodrama set in the world of Elite Triathlon.

Tristan Selina is a top Triathlete preparing for a crucial late-season championship race. After life-changing revelations are made by his lover, he's forced to confront a traumatic past whilst he and his coach struggle to remain focused on the race ahead.

As you can imagine, making a Bergmanesque film set in the world of elite-level triathlon is fraught with challenges:

Cinematographers note: The challenge with Run is to tell a story that finds stillness in the whirlwind of professional triathlon and chaos in the eyes of an elite athlete. 

That's interesting, because I thought the biggest challenge would be telling a serious story about something as goofy looking as triathlon, which at every moment attempts to undermine the drama of the narrative with excess spacers above the stem:


And excessively low saddle height resulting in a bowlegged pedal stroke:


(Is this guy out for a training ride, or is he just air-drying his crotch?)

And of course the aero helment with extra-long straps fluttering in the breeze:


The most endearing quality of triathletes is that they need thousands of dollars of aerodynamic equipment just to attain the same level of efficiency as an average Cat 4 with a halfway decent bike fit.

Maybe this is just the sort of pathos the filmmakers were looking to achieve.

Moving on to more serious matters, you've probably read Matthew Beaudin's infuriating story about getting ticketed by the Colorado Highway Patrol for being rear-ended by a driver:


Walking toward me as I sat on the side of the road shivering under a heavy coat, one of them asked, without any precursor, if we were riding two across. If we were riding in the middle of the road.

Imagine for a moment what agenda it must take to approach a man, who has just seen his very short 32 years roll before him on old movie film, a question like that.

No, and no. Maybe if we were two across in the middle of the road, someone would have seen me and not ran into me square from behind. And even if I was, I have a right to be on the road — as a rider, driver, runner — and not be struck from behind, ever.

I was given a ticket for something amounting to failing to move over when being overtaken. I asked the officer to tell me why it was he though I was riding in the middle of the road. He responded that he wasn’t going to explain himself. That I could hire a re-creationist if I wanted. That he wasn’t going to explain himself, again. And for a second time that I could hire a re-creationist if I wanted.

Wow.  Maybe the officer moonlights as a "re-creationist" in his spare time and was looking to drum up some business.  Then if you pay up he runs to his cruiser, changes his clothes, and returns as "Crash" McGinty: Accident Scene Re-Creationist!!!

This week on "The Adventures of 'Crash' McGinty: Accident Scene Re-Creationist," 'Crash' tries to get to the bottom of a group ride tumble:



Holy freaking crap.

What I want to know is if the Fred with the Fly6 pointed out the offending obstacle:


I'm sure this will be a key component in 'Crash' McGinty's investigation.

Lastly, speaking of what's going on behind you, a reader has alerted me to the "Backtracker," which is basically a rear-facing radar to let you know what's going on behind you:



So basically just a helment mirror, only more complicated:


I'm not sure why the guy in the video doesn't just suck it up and use a mirror like the one above.  After all, he's already got the beard:


Which, in the café scene, has been rakishly fluffed by the wind:



Anyway, as the video says, with the Backtracker you always know what's behind you:


And what's behind you is Bearded Guy.

You know what they say: behind every good Fred is a wheelsucker.

108 comments:

DB said...

Really?
Not one comment yet?
I'll give it a try.

Stuart Rasmussen said...

close

wishiwasmerckx said...

Third again?

Anonymous said...

Top V

DB said...

Ya know, Snob, that IOlite swim tracker dealie isn't the worst idea in the world. I was unaware of it until you posted today. In the East River, I can look up and know exactly where I am, but in the ocean, it's easy to get off course.
What do you think, dop?

BamaPhred said...

Well that was the highlite of the day.
Scranus. It truly sucks to be fined for being run over. And in the great utopia of Colorado, no less.

Phillipuk said...

Sooner than usual!

BikeSnobNYC said...

DB,

See that? This blog is informative!

The IOlite also features a feces meter which would be pinned during those East River swims...

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Schisthead said...

Airing out his crotch. Yep.

shants_are_the_new_pants said...

Hey, actually that not getting off course thing is cool, but, ultimately useless as 99% of swimmers are following another swimmers.

I'd like to know how one loads the swimming path too.

3G said...

YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!!!!

leroy said...

As my dog frequently points out, the first rule of nonagenarian fight club is don't talk about nonagenarian fight club.

I don't remember the second rule.

He says that's why he has to frequently remind me of the first.

Bryan said...

As long as it isn't Cipo behind me...
I thought knowing something behind you could be achieved with some of your 5 senses...and just assuming a car is behind you at all times.
Love me some Cartman, but I think the cop was more like Farva

DB said...

Ha!
When I climbed out of the River last July, my wife and daughter wouldn't kiss me. I barely got a fist bump out of them.

wats7 said...

I don't know about the Backtracker I thought the Sixth Sense was seeing dead people and who wants that all the time?

Spokey said...

screw the podium

I'm spinning on the trainer already for today's/tonight's century.

Yeah, I'm looking at you 𝖉𝖔𝖕

streepo said...

scranus

leroy said...

Dear Mr. DB --

Can you help settle a bet?

My dog claims he and his buddies borrowed guitars and Mariachi outfits for last summer's East River swim so they could perform a bankside string ensemble version of a well-known Patti Smith song about a river.

Did you see them? There's $5 riding on this.

Spokey said...

your convenience, there's a special large print version of the blog available here. was particularly cruel to your half-blind* readers




* originally wrote half-bland thus proving my bona fides. Also an apparently f̶r̶o̶d̶o̶i̶a̶n̶ fruedian slip

Anonymous said...

X X

dop said...

Don't call me trigeek...I prefer Aqua-Fred.

When I go swimming with 400 of my friends, in water that moves like the inside of a washing machine, the last thing I need is a blinking light in my goggles. How hard is it to look up every 10 strokes and spot the orange pylon?

dop said...

I think this is Leroy's dog

Spokey said...

aside from the fact that I could have taken at least 3 training rides by the time the ugly guy got his shoes on, he had the right idea.


I mean really. I always put my feet in my shoes before putting the shoes in the clips. Anyone here (aside from lurking tri-dorks) put their feet in the shoes after putting their shoes in the clips?

Spokey said...

I know leroy's dog and you're not him.

crosspalms said...

Nice work on the shark graphic, I laughed at that one.
The crash video makes me glad I'm just a plodding commuter. Yikes!

P. Bateman said...

holy freaking god.

between the rider hitting a deer and then this crash video i'm going to need a new heart.

am i the only one who really is startled to the point of near death by the sudden crash?

geezus. maybe its just my weak cocaine addled heart.

i dont need them, but i tend to agree that the goggles arent the worst stupid invention of late. not that i would ever set a foot in the Indian River here in FL where they do a lot of the swims.

did you know we have f'ing crocodiles here now? i didnt realize this until recently. there is a handy documentary on netflix about it.

McFly said...

Your Funny!

PotbellyJoe said...

I love laws of make believe. "Failure to not yield to a vehicle behind you that was clearly about to crush you."

It's really a "Failure to die" ticket.

If he were dead they'd go, "He was a friendly guy, his neighbors loved him. And it's not just because he was a great bowler."

But instead he lived, so they have to make him look like he was in the wrong, the entire fate of the carpocalypse depends on it.

Charlie said...

"The wrong way? He's drunk, how does he know where we're going!?"

DB said...

I didn't see your dog in a mariachi outfit singing about pissing in the river, but I was in a Ciprofloxicin overdose at the time.
If he was there, please apologize to him for me.

RB1 said...

they have tv in australia?

there was some seriously impressive bike handling by the guy trailing the guy who crashed.

Crocodylus Acutus said...

"...did you know we have f'ing crocodiles here now?"

What do you mean now? We have been there for thousands of years. It has just taken us a while to figure out how to live with you all. Now that we have, our population is increasing (that f'ing thing you mentioned.) Stop watching netflix documentaries and you can go back to they time you did not know we were here.

RB1 said...

the backtracker might be nice on cold mornings. like a microwave oven for your undercarriage.

P. Bateman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
P. Bateman said...

@Crocodylus Acutus

my apologies. i thought we just had alligators here. thought crocodyluses were just an african thing that i wouldn't understand.

balls™ said...

Beard fluffer?

bieks said...

Is this guy out for a training ride, or is he just air-drying his crotch?

Thanks Snob. Once I lower my saddle, I'll have removed the one barrier to commuting in my work clothes. Awesome tip!

balls™ said...

They should sell dropper posts to tri-dorks. They could raise the seat back up after they manage to get on the bike and into their shoes.

We scranus on a tri-bike... There's another reason I'm not a tri-dork and never will be.

Flyover BC said...

Two-more good reasons to shave my beard, and one more to stay away from cluster-freds.

Anyway, more than 20 years ago, a friend asked why I grew the beard.

"My fiancé suggested it".

He said "She's got her own beard".

To which I replied, "And if it was on my face more often, we'd probably both be happier".

badda-bing

Anonymous said...

LOL "Iolite" is a best selling herb vaporizer

http://www.iolite.com/

cycle fittier said...

It's my observation that tridorks whose seats are too low, are generally stocky chaps, or birds, who need extra room between their thighs and the top tube.

This can only be achieved by riding "knees out".

Pervis Erectus said...

If I were to cum on Recumbabes face while she posed recumbently would one consider this to result in a rerecum or just an everyday megaperv horizontal facial splooge?

babble on said...

Well that's fitting. Iolite is also the name of a hand-held vaporizer popular amongst pot users. Don't ask how I know.

Cipo said...

Recumbabe. Had er! Afterwords lying there the adage 'loose lips sinks ships' popped into me head. The upper one.

sTONEdEADLAND said...

Yeah buddy, Iolite "walkie-talkie" - great when you gotta leave the pines and head to the city!

Herschel Raney said...

I need some slomo on that crash. Or slowermo anyway. I have sympathetic pain watching it.

There is no law against cursing a cop or flipping one off. My written transcript for that rear-ended event with myself in the wounded biker slot would be just fuckin' filthy. The cop would at least know that he had ventured into a bad day at work.

I have not been cheered up.

McFly said...

Oh wow I see I have already commented. That happens a lot. Impersonation is the sincerest form of flattery.

A Dr. got killed in Nashville yesterday from a rear attack on a chip-n-tar back road. Turns out if there is not a posted speed limit in Tn then it's automatically 55 mph. This road looked like a golf cart path AND I DO NOT EVEN PLAY GOLF.

Anyway...a botanist and an arborist walk into a ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Anonymous said...

Why can't I run into every slow driving car downtown, fuck!...I could buy, like, a Campag hidden headset press or something with all the fine money. Oh wait it doesn't work that way.

1904 Cadardi said...

A few years ago a friend of mine got t-boned by a car here in Coloradee. While watching him being loaded into the ambulance, the county Sheriff responding to the scene told me "It's nearly dusk, if you were out ten minutes from now I'd give you both tickets for not having lights."

I replied "He got hit 30 minutes ago. T-boned by a car making an illegal left hand turn into a parking lot. His face is messed up, he has a broken collar bone, his bike is totalled, he's lucky he isn't dead. If he hadn't gotten hit we would've been home by now and you're lecturing me about bike lights? Could you write that down so I can file a formal complaint about police harassment?"

He walked off in a huff. I'm probably lucky this was years ago. Now I think cops are allowed to just shot you.

Glad nobody in today's videos was badly injured.

grog said...

Thanks for the special large print version of the blog.

Regular guy said...

I never tire of the "Good, Bad, Ugly" tri video either.

Love how the guy spends minutes futzing with his socks and shoes while guys with big guts, beards, floppy T-shirts and even a guy on a mountain bike get the jump on him.

So much for smooth transitions.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

The real Family Feud was with Dawson kissing up all the cuties back in the day. This new stuff is all crap. I'm a game show retro-grouch.

Dawson was also great in the Running Man.

JB said...

So the steering goggles have yellow and red lights on both the left and right of the green "on track" light. If the left yellow light is on, does that mean I've strayed to the left, or I need to go back to the left?

I can picture a bunch of triathletes swimming in circles.

Flyover BC said...

What try-athletes need are navigation lights: red for the port side and green for the starboard.

It'll help them know who has the right of way when they're wobbling, uh maneuvering I mean.

They can put some lights on their shoes, too, like landing lights, so they'll know how close their feet are to the ground. They'll come in handy and help prevent unsightly tipovers.

Crocodile Dungarees said...

Failure to yield to a vehicle behind you. Almost as good as yesterdays 2 out of 400 stats.

Old-timer said...

“I apologize to any and all non-racist nonagenarians reading this blog.” Snobby, as a non-racist nonagenarian, I dutifully accept your transparently insincere apology. And, while it is doubtless true that I DO have one foot ”in the grave”, rest assured, and know that I will gleefully use the OTHER foot to solidly kick the backside of any gratuitously disrespectful wanker. Consarnit!

JLRB said...

Depressing - please change reality and then get back to me.

Arrybay Bamaoay said...

$$$$$EARN $1,000,000,000 A MINUTE$$$$$

Yes! You read me right. Earn $1,000,000,000 a minute printing your own money. You'll need to secure an awesome printing machine, some special paper and ink, and either a Congressional or Senatorial appointment which can be easily prearranged.

Call 1-202-456-1111 and ask for Arrybay

Spokey said...

Old-timer

That's my grave you put your damn foot in. Your grave is over there you senile old bastard.

crosspalms said...

Spokey,
I plan on being cremated, so I keep my foot in an urn.

CommieCanuck said...

How awesome would it be to hack into the signals to those goggles and force and entire triathlon to swim in the shape of a penis?
Pretty awesome.

CommieCanuck said...

You'll need to secure an awesome printing machine, some special paper and ink, and either a Congressional or Senatorial appointment which can be easily prearrange

Just spout off senile folksy shit and promise to ban bieks. Done.

bieks said...

Wow, the comments today are going from 13 to 90+. Who knew? Wonder how many of us are dogs. I mean, besides "Leroy".

JLRB said...

Why must I feel like that
Why must I chase the cat
Nothin' but the dog in me

JLRB said...

The Fred who did the flip in the Fly6 video would have seen the discarded tire if he weren't staring at the Fly6 thinking "I am being filmed - how cool is thaaaa whoop, damn"

chop chop said...

USAC says "eff-you" about their brilliant plan to run a national championships in a brand new location.

Rice said. ... but I still stand by my statement that there is little I could have done to avoid this particular situation."

dop said...

Before Lance focused on cycling, he was a triathlete. Maybe tri really does give you ball cancer.

Anonymous said...

Snob, one pegs a meter. One does not pin, it.






(Never mind, just practicing basic HTML.)

(SCRANUS)

wishiwasmerckx said...

Bow wow wow yippee yo yippee yay...

leroy said...

My dog assures me that references to me being a dog don't mean literally.

It's figurative.

Glad we cleared that up.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dnk said...

Did Leroy's dog once host the popular daytime program "Family Feud"?

Or was that the famed evolutionist educator, Richard Dawkins?

Evolutionary biology predicts that we'll become Planet of the Dawgs just in time for the resurrection of Charlton Heston.

I learned all about it in that movie, Day Trippers.

Anonymous said...

'scuze me while I kiss this guy.

The movie was "The Daytrippers"

bieks said...

Yeah, I don't know Leroy's dog, I just keep thinking you're Tyler Durden's dog.

I guess it's no longer true

Strapping Young Lad said...

If I was going to peg something, it wouldn't be meter.

Old-timer said...

Spokey: “…you senile old bastard… “ Old-timer here. Me..old? Damn tootin’! And, Senile? Increasingly so, I’m afraid. But, a “bastard”? Absolutely NOT. (Other negative characteristics for sure, but a bastard…no.)

bad boy of the north said...

WILSON!!!!!!!!!

Freddy Murcks said...

Fuck it, I'm buyin' a fat bike. No, I really am and I am going to have fun riding it.

McFly said...

Steve Tilford's minimum pressure is a thumb going in easy.

That sounds about right.

JLRB said...

Family Fraud

JLRB said...

That picture of the woman next to the guy lying by the side of the road in Colorawdeal - 2 questions:

1. Who is taking that picture instead of helping the prone cyclist?

2. Shouldn't the cop have noticed that the woman takes up two lanes herselfie?

JLRB said...

And so ends my feeble attempt to start a sprint to 100 before the quiz bell rings

whew I'm out of shape

JB said...

McFly at 6:55am: I read that too, but only you could make it sound dirty.

Tilford's truly turned to the corner to "old Fred": he's lowered his tire pressure.

JB said...

Dogs don't know it's not bacon.(R)

Eye Robot said...

They should put those glasses in their crack

GOOGLE GLASS CRACKS - FT's Richard Waters and Tim Bradshaw in San Francisco: "Google has suspended sales of the test version of its smartglasses and reshuffled the group behind the project to put it under different management. The action follows a troubled trial period during which the device, called Google Glass, has been widely criticised as a threat to privacy, with many early advocates in the tech world giving up wearing the product. ... One person familiar with Google's decision said, however, that the company was not backing away from the troubled project, but was pushing ahead with a second version."

86 said...

86

87 said...

87

oldsmobile rocket said...

88

89 said...

89

90 said...

90

91 said...

91

jack daniels said...

did Marilyn really have threesomes with bobby and jack?

the more you post, the harder the captchas said...

93

that's what she said said...

that's what she said

95 said...

I heard you the first time

96 said...

straining

97 said...

I should really be at the 9 am meeting before they page me

98 said...

98

99 said...

neunundneunzig

dop said...

a dollar for one hundred cherries

dop said...

those were cent cherries...on to the quiz

JLRB said...

I missed the whole run up to the cherry pits...fine work DOP. We are all proud of ya!

BamaPhred said...

Cent Cherries
dop that's good.

JLRB said...

Everything I do, I do it to irritate Aussie drivers

dop said...

thanks..the 9 am meeting was only for new staff...I left after teaching them to how be punctual.

bad boy of the north said...

in the first 125

bad boy of the north said...

lessons lemanje...lemanje mutt

Anonymous said...

Fuck this website and iOS! I typed up a very worthy spiel about the entry requiremts to police police school in Canada's low swinging testicals/labia before all sorts of digital disaster and frustration happened. Regardless we get your post by carrier pigeon here in Aus so no one will read my commen this far down anyway!

But are your police just stupid because of low entry score requirements or are your laws that shitty?