Wednesday, January 14, 2015

It's Wednesday! Cheer Up, We're All Doomed!

Subsequent to the cancelled-and-then-postponed 2015 USA Cycling Cyclo-cross National Championships in Austin, TX earlier this week, the cycling world remains plunged in debate, analysis, and recrimination with regard to just what went wrong.

Just kidding.

The racing is over, the trees are still standing, and nobody cares anymore.

That's why I'm putting in a bid with USA Cycling to host the race on behalf of the New York Botanical Garden:


This great New York City attraction and national landmark will make a thrilling venue, and I've scoped out an "epic" course that will take riders through a section of old-growth New York forest, through the pristine conifer arboretum, and then into the iconic Haupt Conservatory which is filled with thousands of delicate plant specimens from around the globe:


(The run-up to the Conservatory.  Riders should have their tickets ready.)

Expect the course to be closed by the horrified staff within seconds of the first pedal stroke, after which riders from each category will instead complete a grueling tram tour of this verdant venue:


Then champions in each field will receive a whimsical National Champion's Gardening Apron:



And you can expect the usual beards and forced irreverence from the singlespeeders:



Speaking of cyclocross, they love it in Portland.  But America's 4th-Most-Bike-Friendly City According To The Ad Sales Department At Bicycling Magazine isn't just about the bikes, and this is what happens when you have an entire town full of white people:



Assholes.

By the way, did I hear right that it only costs $125 to rent a billboard in Portland?  They really need to raise those prices, because as it is it would be all to easy for someone to launch an ad campaign designed to crush the self-esteem of every Portlander and send them all into a tailspin of depression.  Just look at that soul-crushing gray sky behind those ebullient billboards!  Having spent time in Portland myself, I know all this artisanal "put a bird on it" crap is the only thing keeping from them from total despair, and a few well-placed bits of negativity would be more than enough bring the entire city to its knees.  Really, all you'd need is a few strategically-placed billboards bearing slogans like these:

Everybody's Really Disappointed In You

Narcotics: They're Readily Available, You Know

And of course the ever-popular and always effective:

Go Fuck Yourself.

Sure, here in America we're always looking out for terrorists with bombs, but we're still all too vulnerable to emotional terrorism--especially in those wet, cloudy pits of despair in the Pacific Northwest.  It only takes one maniac with a twisted political agenda an a college-level psychology course--or, worse yet, some hyper-critical relative--to plunge this country into a state of crippling introspection.

Couple that with all those dead malls and we're truly screwed.

Speaking of Portland, someone's sabotaging cyclists by placing tacks on the Hawthorne Bridge:



On Saturday, Pedal Bike Tours employee Sarah Gilbert was riding downtown to lead a tour when she picked up two flats. We also heard from a victim who flatted from tacks on Monday. Then just yesterday, an employee from West End Bikes called to tell us they had three people roll into the shop with flats — all of them from the same, golden tacks we’ve now seen on many tires in the past week. The main location of the flats appears to be near the bus stop where the westbound bike lane merges up onto the sidewalk/path (above SE Water Ave).

I'm sure those naive Portlanders think this is the work of someone who hates bikes, but if I were them I'd start asking questions over at West End Bikes.  Ask yourself this: who benefits most when a bunch of cyclists suddenly get flats?  The closest bike shop, that's who!  Come on, follow the money, people! Has anybody looked into their recent charges at Staples?

Amateurs.

Of course, instead the Portlanders will remain fixated on the fact that this happened near the bus stop, since Portland is a city of white people and so they're naturally suspicious of people who use public transportation.

Speaking of conspiracies, a reader informs me Volvo continues to move forward with its plans to make us all wear smart helments:



This is extremely bad news, for it's a clear sign that society is moving towards 100% driver blamelessness.  (We're at about 98% as it is.)  Smart helments, driverless cars...it will soon be entirely your responsibility to be electronically visible to all those onboard computers, and it won't be long before you have to walk around wearing one of those motion capture suits at all times:


Meanwhile, for your recreational endeavors, you'll wear a "smart shirt:"


French company Cityzen Sciences has developed a smart t-shirt, that measures statistics including your heart rate.

The first thing I thought when I saw this was that the Freds will be all over it, and sure enough they've got that covered:


I can't wait until all the Freds have smart jerseys which measure their girth and then communicate with their tire pressure apps in order to calculate their optimal tire pressure:


Alas, shirtlessness will be the only way to free yourself from the conspiracy:


The future's so awful she's got to wear shades.

(And Birkenstocks.)

115 comments:

Anonymous said...

frost?

NT said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Pppodio.

Anonymous said...

“When I’m out training, I am thinking: ‘I wonder what he’s up to today, I wonder how hard he’s training.’ I always assume he is [training], somewhere in snowy, wet Lugano. It pushes me to train harder, definitely.”

babble on said...

Gooooood morning, Snobbielaaaaand!!

Anonymous said...

Top ten scranus!

streepo said...

scranus

jt said...

Snob
I'm a relatively long-time reader. After all the times I've read and enjoyed your posts, I realized today that I'd never said thanks to you for writing. So, by way of correcting that omission, thank you for your writing.

jt

babble on said...

Mmmmmm nekkid. I'm good with nekkid. The world needs more toplessness.

Um... and it figures, doesn't it, that the woman who thought up those billboards is from Vancouver? We take soul-less grey skies to a whole new level.

babble on said...

Aw... jt! That's lovely. You're not a member of the Joy Team by any chance, are you?

McFly said...

You know what else needs to be spread throughout the Metro-Portland area?

Heather Stang's legs.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Morning.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Is better with Recumbabe.

dop said...

I love the smell of scranus in the morning..when it isn't too damn cold to smell it

dop said...

Lugano makes me wet

P. Bateman said...

dang early birds.
hate all that incessant chirping. its nearly as bad as hearing the laughter of children.

BamaPhred said...

What's a Lugano? Is that somewhere like Freedonia? I train wearing Groucho glasses and fake moustache.

P. Bateman said...

okay, after watching the Joy team at work, i'm thinking we start a Comments Section supported fund to raise enough to put up a few messages around portland...who's in?

i'm thinking we just put up one of snobber's posts in its entirety as that would depress anyone. har. I kid.

i like the Narcotics suggestion. or maybe "Hey Portland, eat more scranus"

PotbellyJoe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bryan said...

Recumbabe! Now I will go read. Thanks for giving me a reason to postpone getting started on my work for even longer with the early post.
I'm not a robot, without emotions, I'm not what you see

PotbellyJoe said...

@Babs, I think she means Vancouver, WA. I have a sister-in-law who lives there. It's to Portland what Norwalk is to NY.

Anonymous said...

Today's my Best. Day. Ever.

Cause I'm not living in fucking Portland.

PotbellyJoe said...

That's the first time I've noticed Recumbabe's footwear. Thanks.

The David the Gnome's costume is solid, but that Lisa costume needs some work. (Child of the 80s)

I'd say we're at 100% driverless blame at this point. It's the substances' fault that the Bishop killed the cyclist in Baltimore. In fact the only drivers that have been legally found culpable to the slaughtering of cyclists are ones on substances at the time.

The day that Volvo puts a chip on our helmets and a device in cars to make them stop automagically for chip-wearers is the day everyone stops buying Volvos. Oh wait, no one buys them now.

And by no one I mean only people in Rhode Island.

Previous Volvo buyers have moved on to Subaru. Have you been to New Hampshire recently? All Subarus.

Did you see that Walz caps is giving away free CX 2015 hats today if you buy another hat? Must have a lot leftover from not having a well-represented event to see them at.

My Portland Billboard would be "Go West Young Man, and when you reach the ocean, start swimming."

crosspalms said...

Still haven't shaken off the cold woosies, so rode the bus. Got to see lots of people texting while driving. My favorite was the woman who had both hands on her phone and was steering with her forearms. This is on a highway at 45 mph in rush-hour traffic.

dnk said...

My Portland billboard would be:

"Welcome to Portland.

Now get a job!"

Bryan said...

My gosh, another smart helment type thing. I refuse to spend more than 60 bucks on a head condom. Now, the only thing that could motivate me to buy that helment is if when getting to close, the helment could override the controls on the car and make it stop. hehe. Technology is only further distracting us, not saving us. It just seems that way when we are buried in our phones wearing our smart clothes analyzing our farts.
The only thing to make cars safer is to make it much harder to get and maintain having a drivers license.

Spokey said...

60 bucks!

Have healments gotten to 60 bucks? I was going to replace my 5 year old healment this seasoning. Guess I'll have to eat cat food for another year to afford a it.

Thinking of starting a kickstarter to fund a thegrumpteam.org (or maybe thecurmudgeon.org) to compete with the thejoyteam.org/

babble on said...

Bamaphred!! OMG, me, too!!

Anonymous said...

More things for you to dislike about Portland: they celebrate The Worst Day of the Year with goofy costumes; though the white runners think TWDOTY is Jan 31, and the white bicyclists think it is Feb 8. The rest of the country (besides Ann Arbor) probably thinks TWDOTY is the current day......

CommieCanuck said...

The recumbabe is CDN?

DB said...

Thanks, Snob.

I have a request for the readers in Los Angeles and Orange County:
My Son lives in LA with his girlfriend (who we like better than our son) and my wife and I are headed out this summer to visit.
Girlfriend's Dad has a Colnago with SRAM. He has invited me to go on a ride around Mission Viejo and South Bay Area.
I don't want to take my Fred bike apart and shop it to LAX for one or two rides.
Anybody know of a place I can rent a Fred sled for a day or two?
Thank you.
Now back to Recumbabe.

Anonymous said...

Ouch!
http://sanfrancisco.cbslocal.com/2015/01/13/cyclist-hit-by-truck-then-robbed-while-laying-unconscious-on-west-oakland-street/

cyclist hit by truck then robbed while unconscious.

Daniel said...

I know no-one wants to talk about CX nats anymore, but I do think that this is a pretty relevant commentary of the failure of USAC to up and coming racers. Those racers that the USAC is charged with growing.

http://untilthesnowends.blogspot.com/2015/01/us-cyclocross-nationals-travesty-report.html

chop_chop said...

DB,

Try Triathlon Lab in Redondo Beach. Once upon a time, they rented stuff.

In OC, http://aroadbike4u.com/ is rumored to rent decent gear and on the way to Mission Viejo.

Both shops have been around for a while.

Mission Viejo is very far south from "south bay." South Bay is considered Manhattan Beach and a few other bazillion-dollar cities.

A Fred will try to "ride" the bike path in Redondo/Hermosa in the Summer with all the beautiful eye candy everywhere. "On your left!" Yeah... Priorities.

Anonymous said...

"Portland is a city of white people and so they're naturally suspicious of people who use public transportation."

I've been jeered at by youths passing in a car merely for waiting at a bus stop (I'm thrity-something myself). And for wearing Lycra.

Public-transport-usin', Lycra-wearin'mother lickers are pretty much the most hated people on the streets right now. We're practically punk.

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

Rules that makes drivers more compliant... open carry privileges for cyclists.

Nothing screams level playing field like a Smith & Wesson Model 29 4"bbl in stainless finish in a cross draw holster.

All I can really do in NYC is throw a 17oz Assault Soda at the bad guy.


vsk

chop_chop said...

Daniel,

USAC has been failing for 20+ years.

CX nationals was another series of terrible decisions by the federation. They are a joke.

Sadly, there are some good people with good intentions working much lower in the federation. They weren't the ones deciding to use a venue that has never been used before for Nationals.

Many more bad decisions and "I'm sorry you have a problem" apologies from USAC real soon now. It is as inevitable as the sun rising.

chop_chop said...

vsk,

Yeah, we all need guns to "stand our ground" and die in a circular firing squad by the side of the road. Need an automatic weapon holster for my Fred sled.

Sounds great. Where do I sign up for gunshot wounds?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...i don't think portlanders need narcotics. they seem to be perpetually high on something. many people get addicted to narcotics to take the edge off of life and delude themselves in thinking 'it's all OK'... but protlanders seem to be deluded 24/7.

...someone should sell them orphan's tears.

dop said...

Are there any pictures extent of recumbabe's butt?

Daniel Webster said...

or extant

Merriam Webster said...

Oh hush up you old fool

DB said...

Thanks, chop chop.
I lived in Fullerton a long time ago and don't know where the Freds ride anymore.
I appreciate the help.

Noah Webster, Jr. said...

"Oh hush up you old fool"

Also, get the name correct. Danial W. was a senator from NH.

dop said...

Thanks Dan, Thanks Merr. If there are none 'extant', we can either wat for a fresh breeze to blow away the leaves, or once again whistle 'Oh Canada' and hope she stands up.

Freddy Murcks said...

I am curious. People seem to like recumbabe, but does anybody actually think she is sexy or is it just a big joke? I find her to be supremely unsexy (I think she looks more than vaguely like Yoko Ono, for thing), but it could just be a taste thing.

Samuel Johnson said...

Nuts to Dan and Noah and that bitch, Merrium. The natural flight of the human mind is not from pleasure to pleasure, but to pussy.

JB said...

Wait, Yoko Ono's not considered extremely hot?

dop said...

Her insouciance* while recumbent gives me a warm fuzzy feeling, like when we used to climb the rope in gym.

*I'll risk it.

Merriam Webster said...

now now little noah

Dear uncle Daniel would be so upset that you of all the children cannot spell his name correctly.

That you would think an orator of uncle Daniels magnitude would not know the extent of dop's folly even though he be not extant himself is a shame to the whole family.

Old-timer said...

Anyhow, “ficticious” girl recumbabe, is no match for REAL GIRL, Babble!! Just sayin’…

balls™ said...

Did recumbabe gain a maple leaf?

grog said...

When Recumbabe is in town, I like to check out her sunglasses and her footwear. Joy is nakedness. Thanks Mr. Snob.

Jed said...

First: today's post gave me whiplash. In a good way.
Second: Recumbabe babe needs to wear deodorant. I don't know how I know this, but I know this.
Third: is it wrong to fantasize about dragging the tack nailer from the back of my Pugsley over the Hawthorne Bridge?

Dooth said...

The Botanical Garden! Busted myself up pretty good skating boarding there...and fell through the ice playing hockey. Best place ever.

babble on said...

Thanks, old-timer! But you know she is the real deal, our recumbabe. That photo is not a figment of our collective imaginations. And boobies.

The Naked Gardenist said...

Snob, make sure to host the race on the first Saturday of May (hint -> http://www.wngd.org/)

P. Bateman said...

@fred muurkes

i also find recumba babe to be not so much a babe. so i feel ya.

Jonathan Weatherill said...

So many comments here you'll probably never see this but check out Paul Smith 531 for uber-freds/designer hipsters. $100 for a pair of cycling socks???!!! I look forward to reading your comments on that... Thanks

BamaPhred said...

Who's up for a little CX in the Rose Garden and White House lawn? They'll never notice.

CommieCanuck said...

$230 for a t-shirt.

I mean $100 for socks/masturbation aids ok, but $230 for a t-shirt?

Comment deleted said...

I'll jump on the Recumbabe-meh wagon. I've said it before. She looks like she wouldn't give a shit if you brought her off ten times before breakfast.

BamaPhred said...

It's not Recumbabe's nakedness, it's her attitude of not giving a flying fickle finger of fate that drives her iconic symbolism here on BSNYC. Honey Badger don't care and neither does Recumbabe.

JLRB said...

Anon @12;23 - Not that thee is anything wrong with it, but why wear lycra to ride a bus? Does it make you more aero? Does it defend against pick pockets? DO you slide into a crowded bus with frictionless ease?

Last time I was in Portland, on the train thing - not so white.

Angry Beaver in Miramichi said...

Recomb Babe's nips haven't been visible in ages, I'm thinking Al Gore cracked down on Snob. Or would it have been Marion Berry who cracked down on Snob?

Angry Beaver in Miramichi said...

Recomb Babe's nips haven't been visible in ages, I'm thinking Al Gore cracked down on Snob. Or would it have been Marion Berry who cracked down on Snob?

babble on said...

Comment Deleted - yeah, but isn't it that very insouciance that tempts a guy to give it a go? Not that I am speaking from experience, never having had anything approaching that sort of action going on. Hello gung ho gal here... :)

Um, and besides. Boobies. How can you not love the babe?!

Maaan... day off, and sunshine. Black ice gone? I'm off! Laters, gators.

Anonymous said...

Sad you didn't mention this, the CX Nats other disaster:
http://untilthesnowends.blogspot.ie/2015/01/us-cyclocross-nationals-travesty-report.html

JB said...

BamaPhred's got it right. Recumbabe has transcended your (and my) juvenile and patriarchal notions of sexuality. She's on a recumbent and happens to be naked. If you have a problem with that, Recumbabe will fart (silently) in your general direction and pedal recumbently off into the sunset of your masturbatory funbag dreams.*



*I don't what any of this means. I had a vision brought on by meditating on the essence of Recumbabe. Scranus.

babble on said...

Re: the CX nats, and their treatment of the girls. That was the real tragedy in that event, for sure. Almost any other way of managing the whole fiasco would have sent a better message to all of those up and coming jr girls.

Here in Vancouver, I chose Escape Velocity over all of the other clubs because they have the best support for women's cycling, and they are the sole club training the jrs - boys and girls alike- here in town.

But women have a looooooong, long way to go before there is any sort of parity the world over - in every aspect of life. We make less money, but it costs a lot more to be a woman. I blame religion. They all make us second class citizens, when we should be cherished, not denegrated. Because boobies! Everybody has nipples, but only girls make milk.

K. Now I'm off!

bad boy of the north said...

are they gnomes? I don't know.alaska.

bad boy of the north said...

oh,yeah.first 75.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. BSNYC --

My dog reminded me we've already participated in a cyclo-cross event at the New York Botanical Garden.

No trees were harmed. It was part of the Tour de Bronx.

Color me surprised.

Spokey said...

let me be the first to commend babs on bringing back some sense of this commentariat. IS BABS THE ONLY ONE WHO WILL PROCLAIM BOOBIES?

nah, i'll join in     πŸ…‘πŸ…žπŸ…žπŸ…‘πŸ…˜πŸ…”πŸ…’      ⓑⓞⓞⓑⓘⓔⓢ     πŸ…‘πŸ…žπŸ…žπŸ…‘πŸ…˜πŸ…”πŸ…’


but sorry babs but Strange but True: Males Can Lactate

Count of Sprint said...

the real 75

Anonymous said...

Snobby - Seems Noah Budnick of TA has escaped new york and is now in transit to san francisco. He is also a proponent of Vision Zero, hopefully with better results. any thoughts?

Comment deleted said...

JB, and Bama, you're both absolutely correct, of course.

And Babs, I hope someone brings you off ten times before breakfast, just because.

PROFESSOR MACKLEMORE said...

"...but $230 for a t-shirt?"

You say it is a 531 Collection Edition? Let's do some simple addition, $230 for a tee shirt adds up to you being pimped by a businesses.

Flyover BC said...

The best prophylactic to prevent plunging this country into a state of crippling introspection is practically any Woody Allen movie. Ironic, isn't it?

Otherwise, Timbuk3.

Anonymous said...

Now that it is a new year, can you do us all a favor and get a new picture featuring a better looking naked woman on a recumbent. Yoko hurts my eyeballs a little. Just do it, no whining. thanks bro!

Freddy Murcks said...

While I don't dig recumbabe, I do kinda like Birkenstocks. They are good shoes and they seem to be generally good for your feet.

thegock said...

TREE KILA

anthony said...

We get it Snob Portland has a lot of white people.
Who cares.

Donkilldamessenga said...

even by your standards, many typographical fails today

Donkilldamessenga said...

even by your standards, many typographical fails today

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anthony,

Oooh, snarky!

--Wildcat Rock Machine

BikeSnobNYC said...

Donkilldameaaenga,

Bowl me.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

dop said...

'only girls make milk'..easy for ewe to say

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

So chop_chop, what makes you think there would be a circular firing squad?

How do you know? ? ?

vsk



Flyover BC said...

Ain't nothing wrong with recumbabe that couldn't be corrected by removing the recumbent.

I Robotski said...

********EARN $12,000 AN HOUR WORKING IN OUTER SPACE********

Yes! I earned $12,000 an hour tax free dollars assembling smart tee shirts in outer space. Contact I Robot out back of the abortioneretium, New York Robotanical Garden. I'll be wearing a smart tee with David Byrne/Panda engaged in nonreproductive sex motif and BSNY bikini briefs.

dop said...

92.....................................................................................................

93 said...

93?

Anonymous said...

94

Anonymous said...

95

Anonymous said...

96

Spokey said...

ok

Spokey said...

i'll play

Spokey said...

at going for the

Spokey said...

century

dop said...

bugger

dop said...

that'll teach me to answer work emails from home

Anonymous said...

Puntastic!

Assholes. Should be "Portholes."

Cuz that's what they are there in Portland.

Get it?

Handsfull of Gretal said...

Does that bringing Babs off 10 times before breakfast start at the stroke of midnight?

lfabo said...

Sadly

Boston needs olympics because of inferiority complex said...

looks like Bostonians might automatically become citibike members:

http://www.streetsblog.org/2015/01/14/jay-walder-on-whats-next-for-americas-biggest-bike-share-company/#more-338158

doesn't matter because NYC smells like ass anyway.

yankees suck.

Boston needs olympics because of inferiority complex said...

btw - Olympic organizers are proposing the velodrome in Somerville. Somerville is the bastard crack baby of Portland and Williamsburg - except with 100x more bikes.

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Yeah Cleveland! said...

" Reputable, Legitimate & an accredited"

First time these words have ever been used in the comment section of this blog.

bad boy of the north said...

yeah,right.

babble on said...

Spokey - That was a titular comment!! Sorry, but I am going to milk this for all it's worth...

And Comment Deleted - heh heh. Thanks. You sure set Hands full of Gretel up for a busy night. :D

babble on said...

Noooo! A cyclist was just struck down here in Vancouver. They will never ride again... :(

Anonymous said...

Too cold
Too woosi
Miss bike
Traf fic

McFly said...

I'm thinking the Gnomette is sporting an elusive set of the ever popular Big-Ass Incognito Knockers.

Rachmat Syarif said...

I do agree with your text.
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