Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Wednesday's Here And It's Equipped With An Aerodynamic Fairing!

Firstly, as part of my increased commitment to bringing you top-quality blogging content in 2015, here's more gratuitous triathlon crash porn:



Yep, that's the entire spectrum of human expression, right there in a single image:


Amazing.

Oh, and if you're wondering what else my increased commitment to bringing you top-quality blogging content in 2015 entails, it basically means I'm going to remind you even more often to buy jerseys and hats:


The hats will caress your head like a "Magic Kippah," and so silky smooth is the jersey that when Mario Cipollini sampled it at Interbike he immediately commissioned Walz to make him 20 pairs of underwear and a set of king-sized bedsheets out of the same fabric.*

*[This is not true.]

But yeah, it's a really nice jersey, and I can't wait until the winter's over so I can actually ride in the thing instead of just wearing it around the house and air-cycling** in the bathroom mirror.

**[Air-cycling is the bike equivalent of air guitar; it's when you put your fists out in front of you like you're in the drops and then squint intently like you're descending at Fred "Wooo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" speed.]

Speaking of cycling accessories you can't do without, remember Überhood?



Of course you don't.

Regardless, it turns out Überhood was merely ahead of its time, for behold...LEAFXPRO!






Do you hate straining against gale-force winds and horizontal rain while wearing an ordinary poncho?


Well, this guy does, and so he cut stuff:


And drew lines on paper:



And sewed stuff:


Until finally he'd created sort of an aero-umbrella to fend off the elements:


Not only is it ideal for fighting your way through squalls on those seaside slogs:


But it's also great for mountain biking:


And in addition to transforming your bike into a sort of "upright recumbent," it also administers a much-needed "wedgie" to you while you ride:


I'm also reasonably certain that's Bret mixing it up with a little offroad action for a change:



Sure, you might look a bit strange riding around the city with this thing on your bike, but you can draw attention away from the fairing by wearing a velvet king's hat:


Until I come out with my own BSNYC version you can buy yourself a similar velvet king's hat at Party City:


He looks nonplussed.

I should also point out that if you need a plastic windshield just to ride your local trail you should probably stay off it altogether until it dries out, lest you invoke the ire of your local IMBA chapter:


Or at the very least you could lay off the gratuitious skidding:


Best of all, when you get to where you're going all you do is unzip:


Extricate yourself from your rolling garment bag:


Throw the whole system over the shoulder of your corduroy jacket:


And run off into the sea due to sheer embarrassment, never to be seen or heard from again:


Speaking of shame, you know how parents don't like to talk about sex with their kids but they do it anyway, because they figure better the kid hears about it from them than from some friend who thinks HPV is the cable channel that "Hoarders" is on?  Well, I feel the same way about this video that was forwarded to me by Klaus of Alps and Andes--I'd prefer not to address it at all because it kind of creeps me out, but if you're going to hear about it from someone it might as well be from me.  Anyway, basically it's a video for some cheesy brö-metal song that features a cameo from that guy who lost all his Dauphiné Libéré titles:


Evidently, it's supposed to be some kind of statement about doping:

Appropriately, the accompanying track, the hard-rocking "Mountain Lion," concerns the misplaced outrage over performance-enhancing drugs. "The amount of attention given to PEDs is incredible," says Commerford, "especially when you consider the amount of drugs – recreational, illegal and pharmaceutical – that America supports and profits from."

Wow, man.  Now that's deep.

But what I couldn't get past was this:

"Lance is a friend, an awesome person and, as far as I'm concerned, a punk rocker," he says.

Really?  "Punk rocker?"  Are you kidding me?!?  I find that offensive.  Hey, I'm fairly pragmatic when it comes to his Tour wins (and yes, he did win them), but Lance Armstrong is categorically and objectively not a "punk rocker."  I don't care what your definition of punk is--whether it's Discharge or David Byrne or something in between, this guy ain't it.  Come on, even post-Oprah he's as corporate as they come!  If Lance Armstrong is punk rock then what does that make Thom Weisel, Malcom McLaren?


(Cash from chaos.)

Actually, there may be something to that.

Nevertheless, I suppose we should remember that this guy's old band, Rage Against The Machine, did change the world with their politically charged frat rock/rap, assuming your definition of "changed the world" is "got college dudes pumped to get tribal armband tattoos back in the '90s."

Lastly, some town in Colorado is putting bike racks on the ambulances:


The bike-friendly ambulance "is eliminating some of the concerns that our patients had in the past when they were like, 'I'm not going to the hospital if I have to leave my bike here,'" Steve Main, PVH's director of emergency medical services told The Coloradoan.

This is bike-friendly?  Oh, come on!  Yeah, like I'm gonna visit the town with the bike racks on the freaking ambulances.  Clearly the local officials already know where I'm going to wind up.  How far is this town from where Matthew Beaudin was hit, anyway?

Seems to me that riding in a town with bike racks on the ambulances is like eating in a restaurant where they put Imodium on the table as a condiment: nobody's expecting it to end well.

111 comments:

david w said...

yay! No 1

JLRB said...

Top three? (rubbing sleepy eyes)

Unknown said...

Wooohoo! Pode?!!

JLRB said...

(It's no longer a podium - It's a Poidium)

Anonymous said...

top ten bollocks

McFly said...

I thought The Whiz had blue eyes........

BigRedClydesdale said...

You'll never need the ambulance rack if you employ your Uber Mary Poppins flying boost.

The Robot Engineer said...

8 is great!

Mark said...

Dang! Read the whole thing and am still in the Top 10.

Dooth said...

Wildcat, you didn't know Lance was the fifth Ramone?

P. Bateman said...

Top 20 - GET SOME!!!!

Freddy Murcks said...

Well, good morning.

mikeweb said...

Awesome band name:

'Immodium Enema'

Bryan said...

Oh the immodium zinger. my coworkers are wondering why I am laughing so much.
That song SUCKED. it was a painful less than 5 minutes because I stopped as soon as Lance was done. I'm going to go wash my ears out with Listerine now. Have a great humpday friends. Might pop an immodium too, just for good measure

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
PotbellyJoe said...

When I saw the LEAFXPRO, I immediately went, "Helluva wedgie." Glad I'm not alone.

A friend of mine had that Trek 6000. I contacted him, knowing he still has it, to make sure he was the guy behind the LEAFXPRO.

Bike racks on ambulances give me the same feel good feeling that an Ambulance tow-truck would.

mikeweb said...

I got my collarbone breakage out of the way back in the last millennium before they had that new-fangled collarbone repair surgery.

They gave me this shoulder harness thing like back pack straps without the back pack part, and a sling. So my bones set slightly side by side instead of end on end.

"Rub some dirt in it. You'll be fine".

DB said...

Broke my collarbone in 1998, 11 ribs and a punctured lung.
Never ride behind three guys you've never taken turns pulling with.
I have a titanium plate on the collarbone now that sets off the metal detector in Colorado Springs airport.

DB said...

Leroy:
That dog that was missing for five months that was found during the snowstorm on Randall's Island, was he in your dog's posse?

Anonymous said...

vsk said . . .

Veinte !

vsk

Anonymous said...

Sheena is.... a punk rocker

Lance Ramone said...

"Sheena is.... a punk rocker"

Apparently she is a punk rocker now. Not sure if this implies she wasn't or will not be.

Flyover BC said...

I'm all for gratuitous triathlon crash videos, as long as they're free.

babble on said...

OMG I laughed... heh heh. Cheers, Snobberdooders. I needed that after last night's crash. Drugs are not enough.

Um, and speaking on behalf of the rest of those crash test dummies out there, ARE YOU KIDDING?!!? Bike racks on ambulances are a GREAT idea!!

DB - yikes. I have had a collapsed lung, but punctured? That's bad. Very very bad. People die that way. And strangely enough, though I have metal in my wrist, elbow, rotator cuff, and wrapped around my collarbone, I don't set off the detectors. Prolly cause they used that old skoool stainless steel in me, and not my beloved Ti.

Grump said...

Gratuitous triathlon crash porn always, and I mean always, makes me laugh.

Bryan said...

Babble, with all of your crashes - are you really a tridork in disguise?

DB said...

Babs:
I think the US military has the metal detectors turned up to 11 in Colorado Springs.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Toppus XXX?

babble on said...

DB - Ah. That makes sense. After all, there are a lot of cyclists in Colorado, and on the whole, we are a highly suspicious lot.

CommieCanuck said...

Lance..first we were sure he wasn't doping, then we were unsure, now we're positive. Lance..first we like the guy, then thought he might actually be the asshole everyone says he was, now we're sure about it.

When you think about it, Lance Armstrong is a mirror image of Rob Ford. Both were popular when younger, both fucked up on drugs, both got cancer in the scranal area, both are hated now by cyclists, both won the Criterium Dauphinee.

babble on said...

Bryan - busted. If only I could run...

bad boy of the north said...

cyclocross with an umbrella/garment bag anyone?

Kenny Banya said...

What happens when the Leafxpro gets a robust tailwind?

Schisthead said...

That CO town is just like anywhere else, if you expect to get the ROW as defined by law, the ambulance and hospital will make money. Maybe some lawyers too.

And FWIW, it is rather close to where Mr. Beaudin was hit, although I can guess Denver is much worse than either for 'safe' riding...

dop said...

I guess that's what triathlon does to people. Everything I learned as a cyclist...gone, tossed away like an empty pack of GU. It's been 42 years since I got that 10 speed. I could change tires, adjust brakes, you name it. Now after five triathlons, I'm lucky if I can close the velcro straps on my Sidi's. Sometimes I forget how to zip up my fly.(fortunately, I wear bibshorts). I don't think I could even do a decent endo like the guy in the video. I'd probably go low and chin first, like Cipo. for his bowl of 'wheaties'. After 20 years the 10 speed cracked at the seat stay...(I don't know what that means anymore)..that led to the specialized & Cat 5 racing...then a Fred bike ...then I realized it wasn't the bike holding me back....then the specialized came out of the basement for commuting...wider tires! fenders! I held the party line...then like that fayal glass of beer/lineofcoke/hit of smack/meth...I drifted into the cheap thrills of triathlon.....yeah man let me tell you about bricks...I don't just shit them or shoot them.....but...the worst was forgetting how to pump my tires...not even that aging hipster on the gwb would help...if you don't mind, I'll just nip around the corner and shoot myself

leroy said...

My dog and I enjoyed Mr. Commerford's PSA; much catchier than "just say no."

But we both agree. Sheena is a punkrocker. Mr. Armstrong, not so much.

My dog also observed that a Future User of a fiery adieu owes a debt to the late Dallas Taylor's bandmates' oeuvre:

"Just a song before I go. To whom it may concern. Travelling twice the speed of sound, it's easy to get burned."

One of those guys actually did time in Texas for misuse of controlled substances.

My dog says there really is nothing new under the sun.

I said: "Icarus."

I can't repeat what he said.

dop said...

Don't worry..I'm a triguy. If I tried to shoot myself I'd miss.

leroy said...

DB --

My dog had no idea Burt was hanging out at Randall's Island. Tried to tell him there's easier ways to get backstage at Governor's Ball.

My dog wants to know if you ever visited the now defunct Chinook Bookstore in Colorado Springs.

ANT said...

Actually, I think the ambulances with bike racks are a response to crashes during mtb riding, they got some fun/potentially dangerous trails out there.
http://www.mtbproject.com/directory/166282/fort-collins

Flyover BC said...

Nobody goes chin first like Cipo,
except maybe Jay Leno

balls™ said...

I might get a hat, but I already have too many primal™ jerseys.

Are you sure all 17 kids are yours? It's possible that Mrs. Snob could have been impregnated by simply mentioning Cipollini on this blog.

Freddy Murcks said...

Tryathletes - always good for a laugh (tm).

thom weisel said...

sheena is a spunk rocker

grog said...

Oh Babe.
Masterlink on a trike yet?

DB said...

Leroy:
Tell your dog I visited the Chinook Bookstore every time I visited my daughter at Colorado College. I was unaware that they closed as I haven't been back in many years. That's a shame.
The turquoise jewelry store and the artisanal candle shop next door probably needed more room.

DB said...

Oh! More for Leroy.
Saw Dallas Taylor when he was with one of my all-time favorite bands, Manassas.
RIP.

Ben Husby said...

Is that what the lurker next to the tree is doing in that picture of LEAFXPRO guy splashing through the puddle? Preparing to unleash the IMBA ire?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Epic post there bro duder.

Richard Breaks said...

DB - when did your daughter graduate from CC? I am also a grad of The Colorado College. i was also a frequent Chinook denizen, although I preferred Josh and John's Ice Cream.

Dooth said...

My favorite Lance Ramone song is
LEMOND IS A WHEEL SUCKER

Mr Plow said...

Does the LEAFXPRO make you faster at any speed?

JLRB said...

Dooth @1:50 - will be hard to beat for COD, but Commie is on his game - time to make some popcorn and watch ..

That song sucked so bad I illeterately fell asleep to it

ubercurmudgeon said...

I always imagined Lance was a Michael Bolton kinda guy, if anything. But now that he has revealed himself to be a punk rocker, of course he should be allowed to compete in ironmans.

DB said...

Leroy:
I think she graduated '03 or '04.
Broke my heart when she graduated. That is a great town. Josh and Johns, that pizza place downtown and the bar in the house where I first tasted the mojito. Liked to drive up the mountain to Manitou Springs for breakfast.
When did you graduate?

dop said...

You're confusing it with LEXAPRO

Anonymous said...

Sorry to inform you duder, but punk rock fucking sucks, always has, always will.

DB said...

Sorry, Richard Breaks:
I thought I was talking with Leroy. Need to look up more.
I texted my daughter for CC info, but it's the middle of the night where she is, so may not get info today.
You CC grads are pretty successful.

Comment deleted said...

A City of New York official just announced that city ambulances will be equipped with guillotines, which will be used to put bicyclist and pedestrian victims of car mauling out of their misery. This will save the cost of transporting the hapless auto fodder, and spare the exonerated driver any further emotional distress.

babble on said...

CD - ++ heh heh. Too true...

Anonymous said...

I would argue that Lance is no more of a dick than your average Michael Jordan level "one of the best ever" athletes. Most of us mortals could never come close to comprehending what it takes and what it is like to be in that position but that doesn't stop us from jealously criticizing these people like we do. And get over it, Lance used drugs like 100% of the top level cyclists at the time, he was just better at it and a better rider.

leroy said...

DB -- I didn't go to Colorado College.

I attended a recently gone co-ed, former girl's school for dancers.

That's where I met the Chinook owners' daughter. Her father wanted cowboys, so he taught her how to play poker and light a match with her teeth.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
DB said...

Anonymous @ 2:30:
I think the lesson here and one I've learned the hard way, is be careful who you choose for your heroes. And never have a sports hero. They're the ones who'll let you down.
You folks are my heroes. You get up in the morning, go to work, raise families and have a great sense of humor (humour for our northern friends).
Just sayin'.

DB said...

Leroy:
That sounds like the Air Force Academy.

babble on said...

Anon @ 2:30 - are you kidding? It's not the drugs that makes him so unpopular now. After all, this is CYCLING we are talking about. The very sport itself is a form of cheating, taking an itty bitty amount of energy and turning it into impressive speed and distance. No. It's the way he destroyed the lives of the people who didn't fall into line that have turned him into a pariah today. Sure, dope is for dopes, and yes, we cyclists are all dopes in some form or another, but in the end, who you are, and how you treat the people around you really does count for something.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:22pm,

WELL I GUESS YOU TOLD ME.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

crosspalms said...

leroy,
I'm surprised there isn't an iPhone app yet for lighting matches. Or for bypassing the match altogether and simply setting things on fire.

Kickstarter opportunity here for a digital match?

Richard Breaks said...

DB - Twas I, Richard Breaks (my friends call me Dick), who went to CC. I graduated in '93, so it was a little before your daughter's time. As for the pain of leaving the Spgs., it's been 20+ years since I graduated and I still wish I could go back. I applied for a faculty position once upon a time, but, sadly, I was not deemed worthy.

DB said...

Richard:
Its their loss.

Glory said...

Punk rock is awesome.

There, it's on the internet, so it's true again.

DB said...

I think Lance listened to Lyle Lovett and His Large Band and for awhile there he was probably listening to Sheryl Crow.
Both huge punk artists.

1904 Cadardi said...

Babble,

And also the "If you don't believe I'm clean the GO F*** YOURSELF!" stance the Lancinator took. Plus, on top of that he is kind of a dick.

1904 Cadardi said...

Josh and John's after a night racing on the velodrome was great. Even better without the racing on the velodrome.

Anonymous said...

King's hat?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EohQUWKJaiY

crosspalms said...

DB,

could be

CommieCanuck said...

Sorry to inform you duder, but punk rock fucking sucks, always has, always will.

Kinda punk thing to say.
So Justin Beiber reads BSNYC?

CommieCanuck said...

ok, ~65 comments later, and no one calls me out on Rob Ford winning the Criterium Dauphinee.

Weed Wednesday.

jellyfishsalad71 said...

I'd buy a bikesnob tee shirt if you had one. Don't wear blask jerseys and in Australia we are forced to wear helmets so no need for caps to stop us getting sunburnt.

She's Got Legs and She Knows How to Use Them said...

The uberhood babe in the green shorts has great legs.d

sickriffage said...

I'm pretty sure anyone even remotely involved in the punk movement has refered to their peers or the music as "punk rock" or referred to themselves as being non-ironically "yolked"...clueless douchebags on the other hand...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Good call jellyfish. I'd go for bsnyc T also.

dop said...

40 posts later and no one is playing with the Cipo 'bowl of Wheaties' theme? Breakfast of champions. They're Great...

dop said...

The Criterium Dauphinee was a poorly-selling 'eurocar' with a small, transversely-mounted engine & front wheel drive. Never as popular as the Ford Prefect.


The bike race was the dope-in-aye

Anonymous said...

Christine was just beaten on Jeopardy. She bore a resemblance to Recumbabe. Coincidence?

3G said...

I'm the Wiz! I'm the Wiz! Nobody can beat me...cuz I'm the Wiz!

BamaPhred said...

A bike sail, Lance is a punk rocker, and in IMARUNEMINADEETCH-ville they put cow-catchers on the front of the meat wagons to push the dead cyclists out of the way so as not to impede traffic. Putting on some Ramones and sniffing glue to finish the day. I wanna be sedated.

Anonymous said...

The anti rain device is inconceivable.

Old-timer said...

Central California afternoon. Temps in the high sixties. Forty mile easy ride: Dunkin’ Doughnuts and cold Coke at the turn-round. No Punk, no Cipo, no Lance, no PEDs, no snow, no LEAFXPRO, no crashes. Musing about Snobby’s Blog…Babble’s legs. California dreamin’…..

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Anonymous at 2:22 PM -- how can you not like a genre that has given us so much?

Heck, my dog just reminded me that the Sex Pistols' mot juste summation of the human condition in God Save the Queen -- "no future, no future, no future for you" -- predated a similar Seinfeld observation "No soup for you" by almost twenty years.

Honestly duder, it's almost like you're trying to be a cultural cipher.

a house cat said...

I am a real house cat and when I do a BONG HIT I can type englishes for about 60 secmeow meow meow meow meow meow meow

Daftpunk said...

Where can one find a carbon fibre pie plate? Nobody seems to manufacture them.

JLRB said...

The sidebar about Coloradi Springs - I once got sort of lost on the gold mine trail on a rented mountaineering beik - good fun until someone coming the other way said something about a mountaineering lion - I pedaled faster

JLRB said...

better to have the bike rack on the local ambulance than on the hearse?

JLRB said...

I like the way the spectator watching the tri-athlete wreck reacts as though it is an expected occurrence - volumes

JLRB said...

Seems Spokey may actually be in the pokey

97 said...

9:37

98 said...

9:38

ahead of my time said...

9:39

JLRB said...

century

JLRB said...

enough with the PB&J and bananas - where's the massage table?

Anonymous said...

Big tire bikes are riding around town.

GAME OVER Knuckle tats in the review of Kissenger's book by
Barret Brown.

And another biker goes down.

dop said...

gettin' pudgy fortoday's tri-crash porn

Anonymous said...

Mikeweb - had the same strap contraption for broken clavicle. Nasty thing. Designed by the Marquis de Sade.

cycle

Anonymous said...

Nicely put, Babble.

cycle

Ryan Kelley said...

Can you drop links here? I wrote a post on cheating that is vaguely related to this one.
http://www.standardbikerepair.com/russia-not-going-nuke-us-superbowl/

bieks said...

LEAFXPRO has a bicycle related application? And all these years I've smuggly walked past their displays at Costco, feeling grateful that I don't own a house. So you're sure they're not just for keeping the leaves out of your gutters? It doesn't even look like the same product.

SK said...

I wonder if Brooks also thinks that using dictionary definitions is trite.
http://brooksengland.com/cambium/.

Anonymous said...

That fairing looks like a sail. Get the wind behind you, and WOO-HOO-HOO!

Monsieur Spectacles said...

Hi Bike Snob, Monsieur Spectacles here! Really appreciate your comments on Alleycats.

I think you may be right, perhaps Halloween candy isn't the best reason to race at breakneck speed through the London traffic. We're making some script changes - I think you'll like them, instead of candy the Alleycats are going to be competing for Easter eggs! Better, right? I thought it was a nice touch to tie in to my Swiss heritage, I used to be a chocolatier..... One thing, I'd appreciate it if you didn't make fun of my eye condition, laserbeam eyes are a serious condition man. On the plus side, it makes post production much more fun :)

Anonymous said...

I know this is late....remember Erma Bombeck? Advice humorist from back in the day. Would have been a great blogger. One of her quotes I've always remembered whenever my skiing friends recommend their "sport".

"I do not participate in any sport that has ambulances at the bottom of the hill."