Ready, Set, Fold!

It's Monday, September 29th, 2014, and if you're riding on crabon you're riding on borrowed time:

Amazingly, the Paul Milnes Cycles rider kept his bike under control and came to a halt by a dry-stone wall. Moses changed his bike and went on to place third overall behind winner Rob Jebb and take the under-23 victory.

Now this is the part where you argue that crabon is incredibly strong, and that the only reason his steer tube failed is that his stem bolts were not fastened with a torque wrench to the manufacturer-specified thousandth of a newton meter:

I'm not sure why I'm gloating about this since I myself often ride a bicycle with a crabon fork, but smugness knows no reason, flowing as it does from the heart and not the mind.

In other news of competitive cycling, the UCI World Road Biking Championship of the World took this place last weekend, and I duly scanned the results to see who was the highest-placed American in the men's race but I fell asleep before I got to him:

(Rainbow towels of the UCI Sub-Junior World Champion.)

We did better in the women's race, in which Shelley Olds placed sixth:

Here's an interview with her trade team's proud co-sponsor, Mario Cipollini, as he trains for the Giro di Melanoma:

I'm not surprised Cipollini skips the bib shorts as they would mar his unctuous torso with unsightly tan lines, but I am surprised he doesn't skip the shorts altogether and simply ride in a thong.

Meanwhile, the public image of cyclists in the New York City area was further degraded by this incident, which took place north of the city in Nyack:

What got the man's really tight shorts in a twist is not known, but he is said to have banged on the hood of a car, then reached inside a window and grabbed a passenger with both hands while the car and bike were still moving.

Uh, I'll put $100 on "Driver nearly killed him with his car first."  Also, cute line about the shorts and all, but I'll laugh when reporters do the same thing in articles about road raging drivers.  "What got the Plymouth Voyager's incontinence briefs all up his ass crack is not known, but he is said to have lashed out at a cyclist owing to latent rage stemming his inability to achieve and maintain an erection."

Fortunately, South Nyack's Finest is on it:

"It was a physical and verbal altercation," South Nyack-Grand View Police Chief Brent Newbury. "This is unacceptable behavior by a bicyclist."

Right.  It is, however, completely acceptable by a motorist.  

But of course the most important question is, "Was the cyclist wearing a helment?"

He was last seen heading south on South Broadway wearing bright green bicycle shorts with white stripes down the thighs, and no helmet.

Guilty as charged!

By the way, the village of Nyack does indeed have a mandatory helment law (or rule, I'm not sure if villages can actually make laws), presumably so they can harass the cyclists who buoy their economy.  If you're unfamiliar with Nyack, it is sustained almost entirely by cyclists from New York City who pedal up there by the thousands to purchase coffee and muffins.  Nevertheless, should you dare ride two abreast (yes, you're not allowed to ride two abreast in Nyack either) or commit any other mild infraction you will incur the fierce wrath of the local motorists and authorities.  (To say nothing of how angry their neighbors to the south in Piermont will get if you talk to each other!)

You'd think the locals would be more accommodating of the visitors who prop up their mediocre cafés since a mass Fred boycott would bring their economy to its knees, yet instead they prefer to maintain their status as the cycling equivalent of the town in "Footloose."  Perhaps this is because they are canny sub-suburban folk who realize that New York City Freds (like most Freds in genearal) are horrified by the prospect of deviating from their usual routes and would never attempt to find a new destination, especially now since all those Strava segments are so well established--just like geese, who follow the same migratory patterns they have for thousands of years, even though they keep getting sucked into jet engines.

There is some good news in the world of cycling, however, for it seems as though we may be entering into a Golden Age of Folding Bike Innovation.  Sure, arguably the only form of bicycle less compelling than the folder is the recumbent, but it is nevertheless noteworthy that there are two new folding bikes vying for your foldable currency on Kickstarter.  The first is the "Occam Cycle:"

Which is distinguished by its utter lack of a seat:

So what distinguishes the Occam from a scooter?

Well, not much, really, and it seems to me that if you're going to leave off the seat then you might as well skip the pedals and brakes too:

This is why the Occam Cycle's backstory is unsurprising to me:

"Our original vision was a bit different than it is today.  We really didn't even know what we were going for."

Wow, you don't say...

The "Vello Bike," on the other hand, takes a different approach:

And that approach is "performance:"



It comes in three styles: "Speedster," Urbano," and "Rocky:"

As it happens, those are also the names of the my three eldest children.

Here's the Speedster in action:

Watch as Fold-A-Fred leans into that turn like a mime into an imaginary wind:

And then "Cat 6-es" some doofus into oblivion:

You can also dismount and fold simultaneously, which is a neat flourish and the commuter dork equivalent of playing guitar behind your head:

I will admit that I was intrigued by folding bikes for a long time--until I actually got one and realized it came in handy about twice a year.  If I rode a commuter train or Amtrak every day I might get more use out of it.  However, as it is, even if you find yourself in the city without a bike, between public transportation and Citi Bike it's virtually impossible to walk.  If anything you have to go out of your way to walk, and when I'm walking I don't like to be schlepping a folding bike.

Still, I'm going to hang on to the folding bike, since I'm sure it will come in handy when I buy my yacht:

Lastly, the New York Times has used a space-aged device to measure the speed of bicyclists in Central Park:

I had no idea such a contraption existed.  If only the police could use such a thing to measure the speed of motor vehicles then we'd really be getting somewhere...