I hope you are having a lovely day. I wanted to touch with you regarding the pitch below from DU/ER mens jeans who have just launched the MOST TECHNICALLY ADVANCED PEFORMANCE JEANS on the market. These jeans were actually made specifically for cyclists that live an active lifestyle cycling from home/work and everywhere in between.
(Yes, they said they wanted to "touch with" me. They also left out that first "r" in "Performance," unless they meant to write "Peeformance" and simply left out an "e.")
And if the shouting didn't make it obvious enough that this email is urgent, it also contained a photo of Karate Douche, who drives the point home with his sockless and suede-shod Foot of Justice:
(He looks like he's using an invisible pool cue to hit a ball off his toe.)
Then they go on to tell me why I need these jeans:
Why you need these jeans: During any given day you are always moving. You could be cycling to work, running to your next meeting, or going out for a refreshing walk or hike. Sometimes you sweat. Sometimes you are in hot or cold weather. Traditional jeans just aren't built to deal with your modern lifestyle. We’ve created performance denim that adjusts your body temperature to its changes in movement or the environment. No matter what activity you're doing, your jeans will adapt, wick sweat away, and keep you comfortable, dry, and feeling good.
Wow. Nobody has ever made something like this before, except for like 10 companies. By the way, there's already a garment specifically designed for the lifestyle described above, and it ain't jeans. This is a job for...VELOUR SWEATSUIT!
("It's a bird...it's a plane...it's someone wearing the curtain from an old Soviet jetliner!")
See, the velour sweatsuit checks pretty much all the aforementioned boxes, with only one relatively minor exception:
- Allows full range of motion (especially for the "coglioni"): ✓
- Appropriate for business meetings (provided it is paired with a gold chain): ✓
- Works in hot or cold weather: ✓ (Nothing says "summer elegance" like a tank top and a velour jacket casually hanging over the shoulder by a single finger, and nothing says "winter class" like a tracksuit under a down jacket.)
- Great for walks or hikes: ✓ on the walks, ✘ on the hikes (they tend to collect burrs)
- Keeps you comfortable, dry, and feeling good: ✓✓ and ✓!!!
Yet even in the face of incontrovertible evidence that the velour sweatsuit is very nearly the perfect garment for the active urban sophisticate and/or inhabitant of a dystopian near-future, coupled with the reality that everyone from Levi's to Rapha has already been making hip, bikey "performance casual" clothes for years, these Canadians have gone ahead and launched a Kickstarter for their fancy jean-pants anyway:
The video comes out swinging by showing someone riding a bicycle while the narrator attempts to thoroughly debunk what is probably your most frequently worn article of clothing:
"Traditional denim is restrictive, uncomfortable, and it doesn't allow you to move when you need it most."
Though I'm sure many would disagree with this claim:
("Did somebody say 'Comes out swinging?'"--Robert Plant's penis)
Nevertheless, these plucky Canadians have gone ahead and designed the "DU/ER" jean, which is 30% lighter and 30% stronger than other pants they never really identify:
DU/ER jeans also allow you to engage in preternaturally simian acts of balance as you hop from railing to railing like some kind of metrosexual Sasquatch:
While simultaneously incorporating a kevlar "Boner Guard" which saves you the embarrassment of inadvertently communicating to others your apelike state of constant hyper-arousal:
("She has no idea I'm humping her!")
The fabric is also specially designed to release your "hanglow stank" harmlessly into the atmosphere, instead of trapping it in the crotchal zone where it's liable to asphyxiate you the first time you step up to a urinal and unzip:
This, coupled with an incredibly strong "scranus joist," gives you all the confidence you need to practice squatting and defecating on the heads of other men in order to assert your dominance:
Most important of all (and this is for real), the pocket is equipped with a "radiation shield:"
Though if you want full protection from your iPhone's deadly rays you'll also need to grow sculpted radiation-shielding stubble for those times when your phone is against your face:
All this for $160--though you do get a slogan with that:
"Because every day is a performance."
Right. This is absolutely true when you're totally full of shit.
One thing's for sure though, which is that they'll look great on this pantsless mannequin Klaus of CyclingInquisition recently spotted on eBay:
And if you think it's strange that Klaus of CyclingInquisition was browsing pantsless mannequins on eBay then you don't know the first goddamn thing about bike blogging:
Or New Zealand for that matter.
I suspect Klaus and I are now about to compete in a very spirited eBay auction.
Moving on, it should be noted that Bicycling's "Number One Bike City" ranking is the kiss of death. It's been, what, a month since that honor (or, more accurately, curse) fell on New York City, and in that time some guy on a bike managed to kill a pedestrian in Central Park and I'll be amazed if they haven't banned bikes from the park altogether by next spring. Furthermore, you only have to look to erstwhile number one (and now number four) city Portland to see just what an albatross this title is:
Remember when Portland was the most exuberant cycling city in all of Canada's spittoon? Well now look at 'em:
The event came on the heels of a one-two punch to the gut of PBOT: the #4 ranking from Bicycling Magazine and new U.S. Census numbers (revealed the morning of the panel) that showed a continued flatlining of Portland’s bike-to-work rate.
They used to ride around dressed like Michael Jackson, now they're just a bunch of sad sacks, like Terry Malloy from that movie about the waterfront:
Palookaville = Portland.
So what happened?
Given the lack of bold steps to improve bicycling in Portland in the past few years, it’s not hard to understand why we fell to #4. When Andersen asked the panel why Portland is no longer considered the cycling superpower it once was, the responses varied.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that constantly holding panels might also have had something to do with it.
So what do they think of us?
That being said, Geller pointed out that it’s much easier for New York City and Chicago to create protected bikeways because they have very wide streets. “We have harder decisions to make,” he said, referring to our narrow streets, “But we also have experienced the benefits of bicycling for a longer time, so we know better.”
Firstly, how has Portland experienced the benefits of cycling longer than New York? People were riding bikes all over New York City when the entire city of Portland consisted of two guys and one of those old-timey logging saws. Secondly, narrow streets are no excuse. We have something much worse, and they're called "community boards." In fact, the only reason we have so much bike infrastructure now is that our last mayor loved real estate developers, and it turns out bike lanes look really good in front of shiny glass condos. After all, we have to make sure Brooklyn remains attractive to the bearded class:
Bearded man on a brooklyn bike ride? - w4m (Flushing Ave)
On Sunday afternoon around 1:30PM we rode bikes down Flushing Ave together for a few blocks. I was wearing an Anthrax t-shirt and a black back pack and you had a beard and a cute smile. We joked about the Hacky Sack competition. I can't get you out of my head.
Given that on a Sunday afternoon there are approximately a thousand bearded men and roughly a thousand women wearing vintage metal shirts riding on Flushing Avenue in Brooklyn at any given moment, I'd be shocked if whoever placed this ad does not connect with a mate--and while it may not be the same one she spotted, it will be fully intechangeable.
They'll be working that old-timey logging saw in no time.