If you're unfamiliar with IMBA, they're a boutique company who make custom decals for Subarus.
This means that after today I won't be posting again until Monday, August 25th, at which point I will return to relate my experiences to you:
I can't promise that there won't be an additional small break after that so I can dump the last few shovelfuls of dirt over summer's coffin, but then again I can't promise that there will be, either.
Read that last sentence again and it still won't make any sense.
Also, if you're wondering why today's the last post when the Smit doesn't start until Wednesday the 20th, please bear in mind that I currently look like this:
So I'm looking at some serious barber time before they'll even let me through security at the airport, which is to say nothing of pulling together a decent wardrobe and all the rest of it.
I'll also be riding a bike in Colorado at some point, so I'd better find a pair of shorts that aren't worn to transparency.
This is the point where you remind me again that I'm sure to die from the altitude.
Honestly, my only hope at this point is that IMBA sees what I look like these days, realizes they made a huge mistake, and rescinds their invitation.
In the meantime, let's all join hands, close our eyes, and send our good vibes to Mario Cipollini, who has been hit by a car:
According to La Gazzetta dello Sport the retired rider, who was the world’s top sprinter for many years, was taken to hospital in Lucca after a car hit him while he was on his bike. The driver was turning and didn’t see the rider, who reportedly has injuries to his knee and the quadriceps tendon.
Uh, the driver didn't see him? That is utterly ridiculous. How the hell do you not see The Cipollini?
The silver lining in all of this is that the article calls it a "training accident," which can only mean that Cipollini is mounting yet another comeback, though given his English that could also be a simple misunderstanding:
("I want to mount, then come on back. What hotel you stay?")
Either way, Cipollini has been placed in bed restraints after pinching the hospital staff, which is perfectly fine with Cipo because he's "into that."
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you're better than everyone else, and if you're wrong you'll see inspiration.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and see you on Monday, August 25th!
--Wildcat Rock Machine
(The Cervélo Douche)
1) Which is not an actual quote from the Cervélo Douche?
--"I do a meditation. I can do up to one hour. I come out of it feeling high. It affects all the chemicals of your brain, from the endorphins to the serotonin. I have a fireplace."
--"I take my car to go to the bagel shop. I take the Ferrari. I get a rush a little bit, zero to 60. When you are doing it in three and a half seconds, I love that. This happens around 8:30ish."
--"After that I usually like to go on a bike ride. It’s a Cervélo, light and cool."
--"To beat the traffic I head back into town at midnight. Ferrari again, Cervélo on the trunk rack. The sound of the V12 in the Midtown Tunnel hardens my nipples. Emerging in Manhattan, I cruise down 2nd Avenue, throwing stale Hamptons bagels at the homeless."
2) The crux of Washington Post columnist Courtland Milloy's latest anti-bike argument seems to be that people should not be allowed to ride them because he is an idiot.
3) What is Courtland Milloy wearing?
--A "Fly6 Bro"
--A "GoPro Manssiere"
--A "Polaroid Girdle"
--Surgical scrubs and a pacemaker
4) What is this?
--A 1960 Campagnolo saddle alignment tool
--A Park Tool FAG-2 frame alignment gauge
--A 1990 Cipollini genital alignment tool
--A late 19th century pennyfarthing wheel truing gauge
(Dick break technology has trickled down. Way down.)
5) Disc brake rotors are:
--"...like circular saw blades of death."
--"...like spinning knives that have been heated in a 500-degree oven."
--"...like searing hot pie plates of Hades."
--"...like Blackie Lawless's codpiece."
6) Bicycle proctology can be very lucrative.
(Cyclist being ticketed for wearing a tank top that is too "mimey.")
7) The NYPD's latest bike crackdown is called:
--"Operation Safe Cycle"
--"Operation Spin Cycle"
--"Operation Top Tube Pad"
--"Operation F.R.E.D." (Frisk, Reprimand, Educate, and Deride.)
***Special Dutchies Rubbing Your Nose In It-Themed Bonus Video!***
"THEIR NOT WEARING HELMENTS THEIR ALL GOING TO DIE!!!"