Thursday, July 17, 2014

There's more than one way to slice an avocado.




Well, one by one the race favorites are being plucked from the Tour de France like rat turds from a bowl of Raisin Bran, and the latest to go is Andrew Talansky, who wasn't really going to win anyway but he's American so we all had to pretend:


“I'm absolutely heartbroken to leave the Tour de France. I built my season around the Tour, and the team has supported me every step of the way. I had hoped the rest day would allow some time to recover from my crashes,” Talansky said in a team press release issued this morning. “But it proved to be too much.”

And if that wasn't bad enough, his hometown of Key Biscayne, FL is rapidly going the way of Atlantis:


At Florida International University, geologist Peter Harlem has created a series of maps that chart what will happen as the sea continues to rise. These show that by the time oceans have risen by four feet – a fairly conservative forecast – most of Miami Beach, Key Biscayne, Virginia Key and all the area's other pieces of prime real estate, will be bathtubs. At six feet, Miami city's waterfront and the Florida Keys will have disappeared. The world's busiest cruise ship port, which handles four million passengers, will disappear beneath the waves. "This is the fact of life about the ocean: it is very, very powerful," says Harlem.

Sucks.

By the way, Key Biscayne has a thriving Fred scene, and rumor has it that Australia just repealed its "crabon tax" because the country's HMFIC (that's "Head Massive Fred In Charge") Tony Abbott was once dropped on the Rickenbacker Causeway and has hated Key Biscayne ever since:



But don't worry, because as usual Portland is coming to the rescue, and their plan is to save us by holding a contest to develop the Ultimate Urban Utility Bike:



For nine months, collaborative design teams in each of our five cycling-centric cities have been working from Oregon Manifest design criteria to develop the Ultimate Urban Utility Bike, the next bike for the everyday rider.

On July 25 you can see the incredible result of their efforts.

Here's the New York City team, which is identical to all the other teams in every way, thanks to the insipid 21st century global monoculture that the flood waters will hopefully one day reclaim:


Apparently, the team is a "collabo" x ("x" is Newspeak for "between") Horse Cycles and something called "Pensa," which is described as follows:

Pensa was founded in 2005, born out of love and determination to improve quality of life through better products and better business choices. We believe great design can deliver experiences that don’t force a compromise on value, the environment or social impact.

To this end, they've brought you the three-in-one avocado slicer:


Okay.  If you want to "curate" yourself a great big bowl of guacamole but you don't want to have an impact on the environment, what's a better choice:

a) Manufacturing an elaborate plastic contraption that serves only one highly specific purpose;

or

b) Just using the knife you already have?



Given this, I can't wait to see this bike, and if it doesn't have an integrated avocado slicer I'll be tremendously disappointed.

Speaking of the Ultimate Urban Utility Bike, one could argue this already exists in the form of bike share.  This is because if you ride your own bike you have to maintain it, but if you use bike share you can instead use all your free time to "curate" great big bowls of guacamole.  However, it seems as though some unscrupulous Citi Bike users are skipping the whole "paying" part and just taking the things:



Naturally, the police think this is hilarious:

“The first time we saw it, I thought it was kinda funny,” one police source said. “We can only assume they’re taking them for joyrides or that the crook would rather take a bike than a train ride home.”

Yes, if there's one thing the police take seriously it's bike theft--though if your Hyundai gets scratched you can be sure they'll come out in force.

Unfortunately, they may ultimately be forced to do something about the problem, since the stolen bikes are taking up precious cell space:

The problem has gotten so bad in Crown Heights that cops are out of garage space to store them, another police source said.

To solve the problem, they’ve started stashing the bikes in a jail cell — while they wait for Citi Bike officials to pick them up, the source said.

“We were putting them in the garage, but there wasn’t enough room — so we moved them to the back cell,” the source said.

To the NYPD, if you can't put a cyclist in jail, then putting a bike in there is the next best thing.

As for the thieves, not all of them have the sense to ditch the bikes after using them:

At least two Citi Bike crooks have been arrested in recent weeks — including one cyclist who painted a bike orange to disguise it, a Bronx police source said.

But cops spotted the Citi Bike “sticker” on the orange ride and charged him with grand larceny, the Bronx source said.

The master criminal was caught while repeatedly ramming the bike into a fire hydrant.  When questioned, he explained that he was trying to dock it.

Lastly, a reader tells me the owner of this bicycle is willing to trade it for a handgun:


Felt TK2 Track Bike 56Cm - $1200 (carrboro)

I have a Felt tk2 for sale its has a custom set of carbon 90mm rims and it is mostly stock bike besides that, Its running a TruVativ Omnium GXP with a 48 front and 15,16 rear. 3T SPHINX LTD carbon bars. I have a Shimano NX01 chain on it, its a real track chain. The size is a 56cm TT and a 56cm ST. If you have any questions just text me. Could be used in a trade for motorcycle, or a handgun

Hmmm, meeting the stranger you met on Craigslist to trade your expensive bicycle for a handgun...I don't see how that could possibly go wrong.

116 comments:

schwinng said...

schwinng

Anonymous said...

weeeed!

Unknown said...

Podio!

1904 Cadardi said...

Just missed the last step. Dang it.

dancesonpedals said...

scranus! oh,that was testerday...

CRABON!!

Anonymous said...

Top X ?

trama said...

the CL add makes more sense when you realize that locally, HJs are called handguns

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Ok cool.

P. Bateman said...

top 10!

dcee604 said...

Did I make top 10 today?

Blog Drafter said...

Heart Miami, used to live there but I've since moved to higher ground.

FR8 said...

Workcycles FR8 is the Ultimate Urban Utility bike. Please now send me my avocado slicer as competition prize.

Anonymous said...

Rolling coal. All you haters eat my smoke!

P. Bateman said...

Snobber, the fact that florida will soon be under water means you need to pop on down here and do some sort of BSNYC collabo x "i don't know, you figure it out" (i'm sure we have a bookstore that caters to hipstars)
to promote a book or whatever nonsense you're pushing these days and do one of those post event rides.


it will be like you never left home. i cant even hear myself think over new yorkers using their "indoor voices" to order bagles and rye bread at the market.

my god why are you yankees so damn loud?

streepo said...

scranus

That's my irrepressible Antipodean irreverence.

RoadQueen said...

Top twenty again. Damn it.

1904 Cadardi said...

Quick question,

What the F*** up with the bars on that bike?


Don't despiar RoadQueen, consistency counts and will get you a contract as a domestique blog commenter.

RoadQueen said...

Can somebody please explain to me what the deal is with the crazy-straw handlebars on that Craigslist bike?

What the what??

RoadQueen said...

1904 Cadardi, glad to see I'm not the only one that's perplexed over that bike.

I'm nothing if not consistent. At least 50% of the time, anyway.

Henry said...

here, hold my big 9MM

Bryan said...

Hmm, the ultimate commuter/utility bike. Give me a long wheelbase for stability, places to attach racks and fenders, easy gearing, brakes, and a sturdy frame and wheels...oh wait a minute, that sounds an awful lot like a touring bike!My ninety something Bianchi Volpe is a fantastic bike for commuting (yes, I know it isn't a touring bike per se, but dammit it has been a damn good commuter - the frame size is too small so I switched out the drop bars for flat bars with a riser and mountain bike shifters/brakes - but hey now I can see over traffic as well. Can I just submit my bike to this project?

E.Brassiere said...

love the torpedo bra

Bryan said...

Yeah, the first thing I saw about that CL bike was the fucked up handlebars. I don't get it, I don't like it, and I wouldn't touch that bike with a 10 foot stick. The ugly might rub off

Anonymous said...

"... the insipid 21st century global monoculture that the flood waters will hopefully one day reclaim..."

and I'd lick the coco-butter off that chick's thighs, too

McFly said...

Nice black & white Reverse Cowgirl on the stone. Very classy and understated. Artsy, as well.

2 thumbs up , Sir.

One in the pink and one in the stink.

Anonymous said...

"Anonymous trama said...
the CL add makes more sense when you realize that locally, HJs are called handguns "

then what's a Happy Ending?

The Magnificent Omri said...

WTF is up with those bars? KILL IT WITH FIRE!

DB said...

Must be a rest day for Babble.

ouabacher said...

Is "crook" still a common term among cops or just NYPD or is this cop in his 80's? I bet he loves busting street toughs, too.

Roille Figners said...

Wait a minute. You mean they've been fucking around all this time and STILL they're not done "developing" the "ultimate" "utility" bike yet? JEEZUS. Not very utile of them.

Also, I see this article about "Miami, the great world city" but where do I go if I want to read about the shitty dumb one in Florida?

le Correcteur said...

Missed the top thirty; read it; later today, huh?

Your comment about the global monoculture is spot on.

And all items like that avocado thingy go under the generic name "bagel slicer." If you can't slice a bagel with a knife, don't eat one. Oh, okay, if you're past 75 years old or have a disabled placard on your Hyundai, go ahead!

Comment deleted said...

Q: "What's a happy ending?"

A: A beautiful song with a simple coda of "Ungh!"

Buffalo Bill said...

He should have specified an unloaded handgun.

ouabacher said...

They're going after the avocado from the wrong end. A pitless, perforated-skinned, pre-cubed genetic monster is what we need.

JLRB said...

That chick on the rock caused Talansky to crash into Contador's spare plastic bike while Wild Bill was carrying it around like a large pizza. 50/50

Bama Phred said...

I did enjoy the old pictures. The torpedo bra link had a link to old Paris Roubaix races. The motorcycle guy looked bad ass in the old leather helment and goggles, and the picture of the peloton, all six of them, just illustrates what a media circus most event have become.

Steve Young said...

My mom has that NX01 chain too, on her Raleigh with the Shimano Coasting group. Pretty sure that's the chain they made for that group. Hella street cred though, all the homies stop my mom to fist bump her.

JRF said...

I hope craigslist duder gets a respondent who comes with a gun to put that awful, awful bike out of its misery. Also, I like how no-name "open-mold" garbage wheels from ebay qualify as "custom".

Ding ding mafucker said...

For real! That bike sucks - mine is more better and has raditude dude

Comment deleted said...

Da ding: you're wasting our time and you're a dick.

Comment deleted said...

P.S. Your bike is hideous.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Ding Ding Mafucker,

Put the gears back on or just sell the frame, the bottom fell out of the bad conversion market in 2007.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

That's definitely pre-workout nubile Babs up on da rock !

50 Caliber Desert Eagle... to go in the holster on your pre-gentrification urban survival bike.

I've been waiting for the climate to change for, it seems like, years now. What the double U Tee Eff?
Climax change Hooeey! I'm waiting for the big asteroid to take us out.
Boom.

vsk

BamaPhred said...

Anybody willing to put a year on the torpedo bra picture?

I no nothing of European ladies vintage swimwear fashion.

Or really of anything else.

Early 60's?

I love the way every cyclist's gaze is upon that staged picture, and the ones that aren't looking are talking about her to the guy next to them.

Another take on the "hard men" of the tour

BamaPhred said...

know nothing, torpedo bra lady has me distracted

gE said...

Gotta give that CL poster props for listing off details from every sticker or stamp he could find on that stolen bike so you wouldn't get suspicious that he wants to trade it for a gun.

Roille Figners said...

Shit yeah! That's IT, it's fuckin genius: Just write parody craigslist ads. I might make it my new artform/medium. There are already plenty on there where you're like "Is this a joke?" so why not take that shit over the top?

1904 Cadardi said...

@Steve Young,

Good call on the NX01 chain. Those wheels are probably built up around the Shimano Dynamo Hub with coaster brake. That's what makes them so custom.

Street cred indeed!

Flyover BC said...

Classy photo: no helments, no crabon, no BMWs motor with cameras, no sunscreen, no selfies.

Roille Figners said...

No but I mean, REALLY over the top.

crosspalms said...

Hi, I'm here for the bike--I'm the guy with the gun. Mind if I look at the bike? Thanks. Now give me your wallet. And your phone. Hey, don't get mad at me, this was your idea. Now sit over there and count to 100.

Flyover BC said...

20 years ago some guys put together an over-the-top (or so they thought) personals ad for the local tabloid. It was titled

"I want to sniff your butt".

The only detail in the ad was that a graduate student was about to get married and wanted a last fling.

About a dozen guys responded and left a variety of truly disturbing messages on the voice mail.

Apparently one person's over the top ad is another's daily fantasy.

Anonymous said...

Talansky was riding in the tour?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...i'd like to shed some light on those projecting handlebars on the CL bike: the guy has GIANT hands... and as such, the universe has dealt him the singularly unique skill of 'hand'ling things well such as bicycles, motorcycles, and, of course, hand guns. i'm just not sure anyone can provide him with a fair exchange since he's so unique.

Angry Beaver in Miramichi said...

Picture taken in France + She has a top on = Doesn't Add Up

Fred of the Sea said...

I'll take 1965. I love women, but I loved them more back then when I was about 9.

So, tell me, you who live hip places, know hip people and might be under 50: Does anyone pay those "design" teams to be monochromatically pretentious, and perfectly inane? Or do they have day jobs at restaurants and offices? Or are they a new, schlumpy breed of model, hired by some sharpstein for his campaign to get over by begging on the internet?

At least the hippies didn't pretend to be doing anything but getting high and growing vegetables, although they did have the same delusion that self-indulgence would change the world.

Master Bater said...

self-indulgence always changes my world

Fred of the Sea said...

Excellent response, Master Bater. Maybe that's all we can hope for.

Spokey said...

Before I gave on working I used my CoMotion Americano for commuting. Was that so wrong? I'm only human (mostly).


I used to commute711 days each year

Angry Beaver In Miramichi said...

If the Atlantic raises six feet parts of the NYC Subway System are going to become aquariums.

Spokey said...

and the gowanus will have real water in it again.

Canal St will once again be a canal.

Roille Figners said...

"This is the dawning of the age of aquariums..."

JB said...

Build the avocado slicer into the saddle. Might be OK for Lance.

Anonymous said...

So what's wrong with lakefront property?

JLRB said...

Rolling Stone (not the same as rolling stoned) did a piece on Miami sinking last year Pretty grim picture.

Yet the real estate market in Miami is Booming

Suckers.

[most decidedly] Anonymous said...

I was hoping the rest of the world wouldn't notice Australia's shame in regards to crabon and our HMFFIC (you can guess what the extra F stands for), but Snobby had to go and out us.

And there's more; see the "Amgen" on the HMFFICC's (you can guess what the extra C stands for) spandex? Well, that's a pharmaceutical company that manufactures drugs for illegal Fred use in professional cycling events.

So not only is Australia all in favour of crabon, but our HMMFFICC (you can guess what the extra M stands for) is responsible for Lance Armstrong.

Please don't be angry with us. We made a big mistake, but are working hard to rectify the situation and in the meantime we still have cute koalas.

Roille Figners said...

Can't believe this hasn't been done yet: "I'd like to slice HER avocado."

Thank you, here all week etc.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...and a word on the NYC team... i don't know the joker behind the avocado peelers, but thomas of Horse Cycles is a great guy, personable and accommodating... his bikes aren't too shabby either... he does all kinds of bikes, including sensible urban bikes. can't wait to see what an avocado peeler will do it his nice designs.

Flyover BC said...

Hey Fred of the Sea,

I live an allegedly hip place, which also has plenty of aging hippies.

The answer to your questions is yes, except the part about getting paid to do the work.

The thing about the hip places is that there are enough examples of success (though rarely homegrown, so to speak) that it keeps the dream alive for the wannabes.

What's really sad is when you see folks in their late forties hanging on to the dream instead of doing something they can be relatively successful at. Or those who have thrown away the good stuff later in life, and to chase the dream.

As for the young ones, their self indulgence isn't really about changing the world, they just think they're going to get rich by building the better avocado peeler.

Fred of the Sea said...

Thanks for the thoughtful answer, Flyover.

Roille Figners said...

To me they ARE hippies. But of course it's more accurate to say they're the CHILDREN of the hippies.

Flyover BC said...

I'd bet these sales pitch videos are the result of class (term) projects in design schools.

If they were class projects from engineering schools the products would be cobbie, but otherwise functional.

I left out an important point. The folks that have the talent and skills to change the world are so square and busy, or so goofy, that they aren't hip, i.e. they don't place much importance on or mistake style for substance.

I suspect that's what makes this blog so brilliant, not that WCRM is goofy or square, but that he's an astute judge of the absurd hiding under a shallow veneer of hipness.





See No Evil said...

That's got to be Bab's mother in the retro picture (Check out a recent S'scene blog photo and you'll see the striking resemblance as the racers ride by the vixen).

Anonymous said...

Definitely not Bab's mother, the camera is pointed the wrong way.

Johnny On The Slot said...

Think is is Bab's mother, think she's got a shark's fin on that cement block.

Fred of the Sea said...

I train a continuous stream of amazingly talented students and postdocs, some of whom have actually changed the world. I also deal regularly with heartbreakingly committed and decent enlisted military people. Thank God for squares!

This blog can get repetitive and will have to change with the times or be very dated, but it is astute, insightful social criticism, and very well written. Importantly for me, it is good hearted and, ultimately, generous. I have been hooked for years.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I don't know if anyone else noticed it or not but in the classy vintage tour pic she's got arms like a man. Cover her body up with your thumb or a post-it note and look close at that right arm. I bet she's got a hell of a grip.

babble on said...

Heyyyyyyy! What a great idea! Next time I go to watch the races, I will be sure to wear a wonder woman torpedo bra!!

I used to have muscular arms, but atrophy happens surprisingly fast.

Not a rest day, unless you count the moment when mum fell asleep at the wheel on the highway... :S

leroy said...

"I'd like to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather....not screaming in terror like the passengers on his bus"

Jack Handey

Anonymous said...

If the sea level rises six feet then my driveway will only be 910 feet above sea level! Yeah, fucking ay Midwest!

McFly said...

Push-Up Bra vs. Push-Out Bra...cast your vote now for pole results.

I like conventional roundness but the pointers strike a chord in my heart(pole).

Anonymous said...

Snob, please, hang some more shit on specialized, they're just begging for it.....

http://www.bikerumor.com/2014/07/17/photo-gallery-2015-specialized-road-mountain-bikes-overview/

Jason Clark said...

For All Latest Hot Current Affairs www.hotcurrentaffairs.com

Please prove you're not a robot said...

To much water in Miami and on the other side of the country experts say San Diego may run out of water eventually (one says in as little as 10 years). But real estate prices have skyrocketed and are at back into 2008 bubble prices and still climbing.

babble on said...

Water is going to be a very serious issue for all of us in a very short little while. That's what makes all of this fracking for LNG such a dumbass mistake.

WTF is wrong with us that even knowing what we do about the direction we are headed, we haven't even begun to transition to sustainable energy?!

Bama Phred said...

The McFly Torpedo Bra reference. I wish I had thought of that. "You're gonna put someone's eye out!"

Bama Phred said...

Back when pro cycling was still classy. When all they did was snort coke and pop speed. Nice and clean. No messy blood bags and needles.

JLRB said...

RF @ 7:44 - Don't children of hippies end up being the opposite? Or was that just a bad Matt Damon movie ... See #27 Here

JLRB said...

Spokey - The CoMotion looks like a great commuting machine - Nothing wrong with commuting on beaters, but if you have secure parking and can afford it why not ride something decent? I justify it by using the IRS formula for mileage rate - 56 cents per mile - 3,000 or so commuting miles a year, present value for whatever - gives a healthy bike budget (or some bullshit I tell my wife when she says - "now where'd that one come from?")

JLRB said...

Babs @ 9:11 - Still a long way to go but progress is being made towards sustainable energy. Problems abound - physics gets in the way, need for storage, need something to make up the difference when the wind stops or clouds move in, etc. By the time we figure it out the sky will crack and we will all die. Have a nice day!

JLRB said...

McFly - Engineering marvels indeed

JLRB said...

OK - my wordy lead outs aren't working

JLRB said...

93 - maybe today's post is up and I am just playing with myself

JLRB said...

94 - I hope nobody is watching

McFly said...

There is a factory in Paris that has been there for like 40 yrs and has been bought out by a Co. from Italy, its still going to be there it will just be a diff name and all. Anyway, they created a FB page and post all these old photo's from the 70's and 80's and it's freakin' TORPEDOBRA.com and I love it. I worked there about 10 years so naturally I check in.

JLRB said...

95 - I'd like to guaca her mole

JLRB said...

97 - holding on to water bottle on team car, pretending I am thirsty

JLRB said...

98 - yes son, even the slowest cyclist in that race would kick my ass - happy?

JLRB said...

99 - McFly working in a bra factory? Leaving the elephants to guard the peanuts

Blog Drafter said...

VoilĂ  fĂȘte!

Spokey said...

congrats to Blog Drafter

JLRB short sheeted again

Spokey said...

JLRB

spousy has never prevented me from acquiring more toys. I however have a problem with it. I'm kinda cheap but worse, it's a lot of work. I've actually been looking lately and would probably be looking at a bilenky but getting one of those would be so much work.

I never got that many miles commuting as I'm a wimp in the winter and I only had a 10 mile round trip. Plus when I was working I also had a 300zx convertible which was a lot of fun too. I remember once in the winter I was so cold I stopped in at the bike shop which conveniently was on the ground floor below my office and had to buy some full fingered gloves before I went home.

Spokey said...

oh, and my vote is for pointies

McFly said...

No....hermetic scroll compressors. I apologize if my comment was confusing. They generally are.

babble on said...

RF: LOL! The dawning of the age of aquariums... heh heh. I will forever sing it thus.

JB said...

McFly, when you say a factory in Paris has been bought by a company from Italy, I ain't thinkin' Paris, TN!

McFly said...

Haha that also occured to me. Here let me make it up to you with some old skool pointy action.

JLRB said...

McFly - Thanks - I'll take #5

RoadQueen said...

I tell myself that manly arms and a good grip are positive attributes to have.

Tight is always better than loose. AMIRIGHT?!

babble on said...

I dunno. I've had muscles for a very long time, and no one has ever accused me of having manly arms before. Least not to my face...

Candy from Out on the Island said...

Man arms - not a turn off.
Man hands - as indicated - good grip can cum in hand-y.
Man feet - are there such a thing?
Man genitals - big problemo

dancesonpedals said...

the dutch in old amsterdam do it..
not to mention the finns...

the siamese in siam am do it...
think of siamese twins..

Bama Phred said...

Candy's comment begs for a Kink's reference
Well, I'm not the world's most masculine man
But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man
And so is Lola,

Roille Figners said...

I like how she's keepin' it casual, not steadying the camera with two hands.

RoadQueen said...

One hand is generally appreciated, but both hands are a little extra special help.

McFly said...

A nice grip is essential for fluffing the mushroom. Cause he is a........wait for it.......fun guy.....