Wednesday, July 16, 2014

It's Wednesday All Around Me And I'm Kinda Freaking Out!



Yesterday, I was determined to watch the Tour de France stage.  However, despite my best efforts, I was unable to plant myself at or near a televisual screen for any sustained length of time owing to my extensive "to do" list.  (Those fingers and toes aren't going to mani-pedi themselves.)

Eventually, I gave up.

Then, this morning, I went to check yesterday's results, only to discover that yesterday was a rest day:



This welcome reprieve should help me get up to speed on the race.

But it won't.

Meanwhile, the controversy the cycling media has not dubbed #Contador'sBrokenBikeGate may finally be at an end:


Speculation ran riot on social media after suggestion that Contador's bike had failed before he crashed. However bike sponsor Specialized said this is not true. Other witnesses and teams corroborated the claims of Specialized and the Tinkoff-Saxo team.

See that?  Specialized says it isn't true.  Also, so do some witnesses, and everybody knows professional bike racers never agree to maintain a code of silence.  That's good enough for me!

So what happened?

"Teammates were first to communicate the crash to the team vehicle via radio. Reports from Tinkoff-Saxo are saying their team car was passing closely to a vehicle Team Belkin and bikes became entangled between the two. Alberto’s spare bike was broken into two pieces in this way..."

Okay, so the bike didn't fail while in use.  It failed when it touched another bicycle while sitting on a roof rack.  Yeah, that's way more reassuring.


("You should see the other bike."--Contador's Specialized Glass Jaw SL)



("Actually, I'm totally fine."--The Other Bike)

There are only two problems with this story.  Firstly, the other team involved in the bike tangle is Belkin.  Belkin.  That's the same team that has been begging for money on its website:


Obviously there's no way they could be bribed by a team owned by a Russian millionaire douchebag or anything like that--though if you go to their website now here's what you'll see:


Hey, sometimes you get a windfall, you know?

Secondly, the broken bike has Contador's race number on it, which is not typically the case with spare bikes.  Granted, Cyclingtips reports that Contador's mechanic does put race numbers on spare bikes out of sheer anal retention:

Several Tour riders expressed surprise at this, telling CyclingTips that from their experience, spare bikes don’t have race numbers on them.

However, according to Mondini, Contador’s personal mechanic Munoz – who is known as a perfectionist – ensures that his rider’s number is on both the usual race bike and also his spare.

But you'll notice the link to this picture of the team car with no numbers on the spare bikes at all, which would appear to contradict that:


Anyway, whatever actually happened, you have to give everybody involved plenty of credit for fabricating a high modulus rationale.

In other news, a reader has forwarded me a short film called "How to Survive as a Bike Messenger in NYC," and while the embedding doesn't seem to work with my blog I suggest you visit its site and watch it:



It opens with what appears to be Father Time clutching an hourglass:


"If you look at me, you are definitely rolling the dice. It is a 50/50 chance you're going to get me or I'm going to fucking kill you. And definitely one of the two is going to happen. Fortunately they don't call me 'Wild' for nothing."

As it turns out, this is somewhat inaccurate, because it turns out there's a 100% chance that if you find yourself face to face with Wild Bill he's going to give you a pizza:


I like those odds.

Indeed they don't call him "Wild" for nothing, because there are two ways to deliver a pizza: the easy way, and the hard way.  A true outlaw, he opts for the latter by portaging his pies on a fixie with low handlebars, no brakes, and no load-bearing accessories of any kind:


Okay.  This guy works hard for a living.  He was probably already a seasoned messenger back when I was still watching "You Can't Do That On Television."  Criticizing other people's bikes is stupid and petty.

And so forth.

However, if you've been making deliveries by bicycle for 30 years and you are still having a demonstrably difficult time carrying your pizza pies, I think then it's fair to suggest that maybe it's time to visit Nashbar and shell out twenty bucks for a rack or something.

I mean really, it's painful to watch, especially when he has to deal with two bags:


Come on now.  He's halfway down the block before he can even get both feet on the pedals!


Like...why?


I honestly don't know.

By the way, so-called "Best Pizza," I'm looking at you guys too.  Why the hell don't you buy a decent delivery bike?  Worksman Cycles is like ten miles away in Queens and they're to pizza delivery what Rivendell is to retrogrouchery:


Meanwhile, here's Wild Bill shouting at a pedestrian crossing with the light to get out of his way because he's riding around on a track bike and carrying 14 pizzas:


One thing all these bike messenger videos seem to have in common is that you're supposed to feel like it's the messengers against the world, but it becomes clear that the world is actually being pretty cooperative a lot of the time and it's usually the messengers themselves who are making things so difficult:


Still, there's no doubt Wild Bill has what it takes to be a Brooklyn legend.  They're still way into the old-timey look there, and Wild Bill's old-timey look is so authentic you'd think he was a deserter from the Civil War.  "Premium Rush?"  Fuck that fakenger crap.  This is some "Red Badge of Courage" shit.

Finally, the film ends as he salmons off into the sunset:


Ride on, Wild Bill.

And fuck Domino's.

Lastly, Andy White of Fyxomawhatsit wants you to know that his new line of ironical shoe covers is now available:


You've heard of "fuck me heels."  Well, these are perfect if you're looking to get gang-banged by Nike's lawyers:


It's that irrepressible Antipodean irreverence.

117 comments:

babble on said...

Woooot!!

babble on said...

Yep, I've heard of fuck-me heels alright. Practically live in em.

T. Macleod said...

oh man podium?

Anonymous said...

nice to be right behind you, Babs!

babble on said...

:D XX
TTYL!

Anonymous said...

ROFL

Buffalo Bill said...

Yeah babble!

tridorkable said...

Top ten for the weed!

JB said...

"Meanwhile, here's Wild Bill shouting at a pedestrian crossing with the light to get out of his way because he's riding around on a track bike and carrying 14 pizzas"

Literal LOL

le Correcteur said...

ten!

le Correcteur said...

Eleven, for good measure!

Spokey said...

kudos babs for gold & silver

theEel said...

weed.

Big Charlie said...

Dude coming out of the doorway looking at Bill at 4:08 is definitely non-plussed.

Anonymous said...

fodder

Schisthead said...

So to paraphrase:

Wild Bill is a perfect example of the ideal cycling habits we should all aspire to. --Crazy Craigslist Lady

I guess I freewheel too much...

JLRB said...

Today's video demonstrates the wisdom of the Craigslist posting from Monday.

Respect and Purpose (with a little bipolar insanity mixed in)

DB said...

Hey! I'm the reader that sent Wild Bill to Snob.
Glad I could be of assistance.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Worksman Cycles 8% growth per year over the last 4 years. That's great! and it's a bicycle manufacturer even. Unbelievable.

Blog Drafter said...

So you're saying that Belkin opened its Suitcase of Distress and allowed Vino to decant his vintage succorage right into it?

I can totally see that happening…this is bike racing after all.

Heartfelt congrats to Babs.

Flyover BC said...

Wild Bill or spawn of Rasputin? You decide.

I guess he could be an eastern aesthete named Ras Putin.

Anonymous said...

mid pack fodder

dancesonpedals said...

twas high modulus that killed the beast

dancesonpedals said...

nice pair on the podium, babel

JLRB said...

50/50 - kill or be killed - or get some pizza with the sauce and toppings all askew from being juggled down the street

Marcel Da Chump said...

S-BREAKS

Anonymous said...

Blogger babble on said...
Yep, I've heard of fuck-me heels alright. Practically live in em.


do you keep them on ?

Anonymous said...

if I were delivering pizzas on a bike for 20 or 30 years, I think my next trip would be a header off the Empire's observation deck

Anonymous said...

Stiff salute to Babble-blog for today's win

McFly said...

Pizzas or IED's?

il Parata est Mort said...

Ms Babble please report to the post-race pee portal.

JB said...

What's up with the non-drive-side shot of those fugly blue and manila S-don't-Works?

Anonymous said...

Tilford loves his dog so much, he's driving him to vet appointments that are 8 hours away.

gE said...

I guess if I owned a plastic bike I'd be all wound up about what happened to El Pistolero's whip. Mind you, if a hinge pin fails during the Brompton World Championship, I'll lose my frickin mind.

Bama Phred said...

Scranus

Anonymous said...

Sloppy podium kisses for Ms. Babble !! Broken and body casts be damned !!

vsk

Pink said...

wild bill is still waiting for the starting gun to go off.

Anonymous said...

Flyover BC, didn't you see his knucks?

RASP UTIN

ken e. said...

probably my favourite rigid fork ever is crabon with a aluminum crown...

db said...

I guess "Wild Bill" rolls off the tongue a lot more easily than "Mentally Compromised Bill". Geezus.

Two questions:

- When did we merge messengers and food-delivery riders? I thought they were two different species.

- When did "iconoclast" become a synonym for "idiot"?

No more questions.

Fred of the Sea said...

Bike hell, get the poor guy some dentures.

CommieCanuck said...

Yo..Worksman...maybe the problem in America is assholes claiming to be bicycle manufacturers when all they are is frame builders and assemblers. Only one part of a Worksman is actually made in 'Murica.
gE..I've had Crabon frames for about 12 years, they are the only frames that have not broken on me. Fuckin' Science.

Anonymous said...

Contador broken bike was result of the team car colliding. There are pictures online:

http://cyclingtips.com.au/2014/07/tinkoff-saxo-tangle-with-belkin-bikes-identified-as-cause-of-snapped-contador-frame/

Alberto's spare bike has the plate number but not the power meter.

Mike S

Buffalo Bill said...

In that 4:08 shot of wild bills' awesome pizza ride, is that James Huang checking out his ride for vertical compliance?

Looks like the angrysycophant sized up the odds and prudently hid in a nearby doorway.

Flyover BC said...

This second video in this link shows an S-breaks bike with the number 31 plate. Can't tell if it's broken or not. Later there's no number plate, and the rider retires from the race. Can't tel

You'll have to wait for the ad to end, though

http://www.letour.fr/le-tour/2014/us/stage-10.html

gE said...

Commie, yeah, can't say I personally know someone whose carbon bike or carbon fork has failed. Just that I care less about Contador's bike than his condition. Dull tour just got duller.

All his problems seem to stem from eating, so he should just get intravenously fed. Shouldn't be any issues with that, right?

the commentariat said...

Babble, I have never been able to understand why someone who spends so much time on her back needs with that many shoes.

wishiwasmerckx said...

As for Contador, I have heard that clenbuterol really helps broken bones knit back together in a hurry.

JLRB said...

Photo #8 from today - the one with the spare bikes on the roof - the furthest one in the back does appear to have a race number off the seat, unless that is a flag on the castle-type building in the background

Who knows, but it does seem severe for a frame to have snapped in 2 places from a featherweight beikcyclist crash

Comment deleted said...

Mike Sinyard is now posting openly to BSNYC.

P. Bateman said...

1) i actually like the colourway of the sworks bike. think the yellow and blue are nice

2) feel bad for bike pizza dude, but seriously, like watching sysyphus work.

3) those are the best air jordans. had those in middle school in the much more awesome maroon and white colourway.

4) babble - are fuck me heels easier with shimano spd, or a Look style peddle?

Bama Phred said...

Any other brands breaking up?

Regular guy said...

Alas, the only outrage and controversy stirred up the two times I've broken bike frames were only noticed by me.

"I'm sorry, they're no longer in business" and "I'm sorry, you have to go through an authorized dealer, and there are no longer any dealers in your area" should have caused riots in the streets.

Bama Phred said...

Is it possible to hate a pair of shoe covers more than these?

JLRB said...

P. Bateman - Think about the awesome condition Sysyphus must have been in after all that hill rolling ...

3G said...

Good point re: the other bike. I mean looks like Bianchi has their marketing campaign until at least 2080..."Our bikes break the competition in two...literally".

Fuck it, I'm leasing a Hyundai, but, putting a Bianchi on the rack.

Brooks said...

The Specialized/Contador story is still evolving -- the story linked above says that Contador crashed twice. Now, the latest story is that he only crashed once. Does anybody actually know what happened?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...man, i don't know why, but watching wild bill delivering pizza like that depressed me.

Fred of the Sea said...

Yeah, edentulous bums working shitty jobs in their waning years make most people want to order a pizza.

1904 Cadardi said...

Still trying to catch the pack after taking yesterday off.

1) Kickstarter needs more blondes like the one in yesterday's video. Helloooo Nurse!

2) Crash it hard enough and any bike will break no matter what material it's made of. That said, crabon fibre seems to fail more often and definitely more spectacularly than steel or titanium.

3) Re: Wild Bill carrying pizzas badly for 30 years. Quitters never win, winners never quit. But if you never win and never quit, you're an idiot.

4) Commie. Most US beik "manufacturers" don't "manufacture" anything at all. At least Worksman makes something.

5) Way to go Babs. Special podium kisses for you (for the win and the heels).

leroy said...

Wild Bill needs a moisture wicking BSNYC hat to go with that beard.

But given the 50% chance of certain death, I'm not approaching him with fashion advice.

Congratulations to Babble.

mikeweb said...

Congrats to babble!

dancesonpedals said...

except for being broken, that sworks bike looks really nice. I like tghe lines and colorway

mlikeys mark

Angry Beaver said...

BABBLE has picked herself up and off the pavement and climbed to take 66.6% of the Podium. What with the TDF going on what two guys does she want to kiss her?

DB said...

NYC-ers:
I have my prescription for Cipro and am ready to swim the East River Sunday. Looking forward to jumping from the water taxi into 70 degree water. If I don't make it across it's been fun knowing you. I put Mikeweb in charge of the COD.

Angry Beaver in Miramichi said...

Rumors on the Al Gore invention saying that Alberto's bike was seen in Dealey Plaza before being shipped to France. Car Talk guys are investigating. Expect Fox to be all over the story in no time linking the bike to Benghazi and what did Hillary know and when. Dorothy R links bike failure to the failure of Obama's foreign polices. Dick Cheney to speak on the subject tomorrow. Canadian Gov says "eh".

gE said...

Make those shoe covers waterproof and look like normal shoes and maybe this oldentard will consider it. Oh wait, $90? Fergetit.

Prone or Kneeling said...

commentariat@202. She also has boots that cover her knees.

gE said...

S-works colourway? Oh hey, it all makes sense now - it's an IKEA colabo. Forgot to include the allen key.

Tattered Soldier said...

Hey thar Wild Bill. How about a slice of that here pizza to patch up this hole in my side that looks like it's been chewed on by wolves.

A Whiny Beetch said...

“No one wants to work with me, because they know if they come with me I will beat them in the sprint. I can’t chase everyone.”

Comment deleted said...

Check one...check. Is this thing on?

Tattered Soldier for the COD.

(I snuck into the control room before Mikeweb showed up).

Comment deleted said...

DB - good luck and don't take any "floaters" home as souvenirs.

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

I have been surprised to see female podium attendants in the footage from the Giro Rosa - well worth watching, especially with Emma Pooley climbing like she was (though today's TdF stage was also very entertaining). You would think they would have some guys in Speedos or something....

All of which to say, congrats to Babs. Is this your first time on top?

dancesonpedals said...

must be a wicked current in the east river...unless they timed it for the tides

I think there's more variety in the hudson ..I did the nyack-sleepy hollow swim last september..sometimes it was cold & salty, then it would turn warm & muddy..

good luck

McFly said...

Is it me or does Christian Vandalfelt verbally lock up when grasping for the perfect word to convey his thoughts?

Fred of the Sea said...

Anyone who swims in any river around Manhattan has brass gonads and my sincerest admiration. I get the chilly creeps just thinking about it.

The East River is notorious for its current, which, it being a strait, not a river, switches direction every 6hrs. There's maybe 30 min around slack water when the current is under a knot or so, depending on where you cross. That sounds like enough time for a decent swimmer to get across with some effort, but what do I know?

BikeSnobNYC said...

DB,

Eeew.

You know there's a bridge, right?

Several in fact.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Like a thousand fingers urging her to let go. said...

Did the Hudson River swim a bunch of years ago, you couldn't count the number of condums floating by.

Fred of the Sea said...

Not even Jesus can swim across a bridge.

gE said...

Lumpen, what's more impressive is Babs is a West coaster and has to wake up 3 hours early to podio. What I want to know is if any Alaskans have podio'd - Hawaiians have better things to do than read blogs and thus wouldn't admit it if they did.

dancesonpedals said...

condoms? in polite company we say coney island whitefish

Roille Figners said...

"There's a bridge" - PSSHH!! Next you'll be all like "There are bikes with gears & brakes"

JLRB said...

Polite company? Where?

JLRB said...

and Wedgie

JLRB said...

and <a href = "http://empirenews.net/whole-foods-market-becomes-first-company-to-require-employees-to-have-visible-tattoos/> breaking tattoo news </a>

Holy Roller said...

And Jesus said unto Wild Bill, "Come now, cast aside those pizzas and follow me, for my yoke is kindly and my load is light... and why not pick up some sort of carrier while your at it. The holy spirit can't do it all y'know."

DB said...

Thanks, Folks.
My cap came today! It may make a fine swim cap.
Mikeweb: May not be able to meet for a beer, but I'll try to check out Elma's store. They changed the time of the swim due to tides.

DB said...

Coney Island Whitefish.
That's good.

Dave said...

Yeah, I'd like to get a pizza delivered - the cyclist special, 700X23, thin crust, but doubled, with triple cheese inside and more cheese inside the cheese. Toppings - everything you've got including a half pound of habaneros - yes I want calamari - EXCEPT no anchovies, and please hold the beard hair and the gravel this time. The last one I got looked like it had been through the Battle of Gettysburg. Can I get it in 30 minutes?

DB said...

Leading out somebody.

Anonymous said...

C'mon Angry Beaver, everyone knows the bike broke 'cause it's Bush's fault. The crabon probably came from Canadian tar sands processed by Halliburton in a Texas refinery and assembled by non-union, child-labor in factory in non-communist Taiwan owned by an evil Murcan capitalist.

I'm sure it would be intact if it were made of sustainable twice-recycled Patagonia fleece underwear by a $90 an hour union shop in Cali. Oh wait, I just looked at the Special ed website and it was.

Anonymous said...

Holy Roller,

You know as well as I do that the Lord could bless five small pizzas, with anchovies, and feed thousands.

Holy Roller said...

Food for thought.

Anonymous said...

It's the late-day right-wing religious douche-rally. Everybody's out to get you aren't they?

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

gE - west coast myself (I can console myself that I am on at least the same time zone as Babs, if a long bike ride away), and this early posting is hard to catch. At least the Tour stages finish about the time I am slurping my coffee.

Anonymous said...

May the Claw of Lob be with you!

Anonymous said...

I forgot, the Lord would need twelve delivery guys serving parties of fifty, who 'jacked the five anchovy pizzas from a kid, scripturally speaking of course.

Anonymous said...

It's funny that you say "its the late-day right-wing religious douche-rally".

I heard that the last shall be first. Although, I'm not sure he was talking about late day comments. I'm betting we're late because we were working all day.

P.S. someone needs to get off the velodrome, where it's left turns only. And where all the blood pools in the right brain, which causes atrophy in the left (rational) side of the brain.

babble on said...

Cadardi - No! Say it isn't so. Here I bought Ti Baby thinking it could outlast me and my many crashes.

Commentariat - you don't actually have to be on your back to do it, y'know. Shoes can come in pretty handy sometimes.

At the moment I am actually in Alberta, so it's not quite west coast time.

Thank you for all of the kisses, peeps. I will take em all, sloppy, wet and otherwise... MMMM kisses. I love kisses. :)

JLRB said...

Now wait a minute there Babs - 1st, 2nd and the Century all in one day?!?

Anonymous said...

Snob if you missed it here is the latest news from the tour. http://www.theonion.com/video/breaking-tour-de-france-on-hold-as-cyclists-ride-o,36474/

1904 Cadardi said...

JLRB,

We have been schooled on how it's done.

Babble, don't worry, Ti-baby will be probably be handed down through generations of your offspring as an heirloom. Just try not to use it as a garage door detector.

Mike Luftuha said...

babs wins again!

babble on said...

That's the Transfuse-O-Tron in action for ya...

McFly said...

I love coffee. But sometimes I wish it had more better and powerful drugs in it.

dancesonpedals said...

I love the smell of scranus in the morning...it smells like scranus

dancesonpedals said...

when the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, that's scranus

dancesonpedals said...

it's a sin to kill a scranusbird

Anonymous said...

Sprinkle a little bit of ginger on your morning scranus and it tastes all that much better.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Scranus, over easy and sausage.

McFly said...

Hold the sausage.

JLRB said...

Ginger needs sausage

JLRB said...

Anon @ 9:44 - good funuion

Papa John said...

I suspect that Best Pizza isn't

Bama Phred said...

I couldn't help but notice the irony in the trans fuso tron 9000. The thing is a "MetroNap", in the background there is a poster about climbing the corporate ladder via the MetroNap. All it needed was a picture of a thumbs up George Costanza.

dancesonpedals said...

we'll make him a scranus he can't refese

all the way to alberta just to get some vo5...what babel won't do to get her hair done