Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Wednesday is in the middle of the common Western five-day workweek that starts on Monday and finishes on Friday.

People think being a semi-professional bike blogger is easy, which of course it is.  But that doesn't mean I don't have to do work.  For example, in addition to typing words into this magic box, I also have to make executive-level decisions and field and evaluate high-stakes business proposals like this one:

Hi Name!

Yes, I swear, this was the actual salutation in the letter.  I'm guessing that at some point someone told her always to "address people by name" in email correspondence, and so she's taking that literally.

My name is Emma Powers, and I’m the Community Coordinator at RelayRides. We are a peer-to-peer sharing car rental service and with the shift to more of a sharing economy we need to spread the word on some hotspots/services across the country!

Car rental service?  Oh, yes, by all means continue!  As a bike blogger, you can be sure I want to do all I can to make sure as many assholes as possible have ready access to motor vehicles.  I also like the phrase "shift to more of a sharing economy," which is a nice way of saying that as income inequality rapidly increases the concept of "personal property" is now moribund for all but the wealthiest Americans.  I guess the fact that we're all piss-poor now is why car-sharing companies are scrounging around asking bike bloggers to give them free advertising.

When’s the last time you felt like a tourist in your own city, or came across that one great place that has been under your nose for years? I ask that you and a select group of other bloggers be apart of our peer-to-peer mission to highlight Hometown Hidden Gems! Create a post on your blog that talks about your hidden gem(s) and feel free to make of it whatever you will! We are truly inspired by your perspective and your post could provide the same great experiences for fellow locals or even for a reader traveling to your town in the future! From a a great place to take a long ride to a great pit stop to grab a bite to eat -- talk about it and give credit where it’s due!

You ask that I and a select group of other bloggers be a part of your peer-to-peer mission?  Well I ask that you give me some goddamn money!  If that's not clear enough, here it is in musical form:



As for the last time I felt like a tourist in my own city, how about every time I go to Brooklyn?  It's like a less ethnically-diverse Portland now.  And have you seen this shit?



What city is that?!?  Because I sure as hell don't live anyplace that looks like that.

I especially loved the quasi-transcendent rock soundtrack, and I kept waiting for Jared Leto to appear on his Fixie of Righteousness:


So now what?

We’ll be creating a places board and our social team looks forward to pinning their favorite gems from participants with credits given back to the post itself! So with the world watching, lets uncover some of the greatest places together! Let me know if you are interested; I look forward to speaking with you soon.

Best,
Emma

Nice try, Emma, but you can be damn sure if I uncover any great places I'll be keeping them to myself.

Then, after checking my email I headed over to Twitter, where I saw this:
Just when you think you've seen it all, here comes a Fred in a hernia truss:

 

It's a proven fact that 99% of all inane bicycle "innovations" are invented by architects who think they can learn everything they need to know about cycling by watching the Tour de France, and this one is no exception:

Architect and engineer D.M. Schwartz invented Flying Rider. He has been awarded 15 US patents over his 47-year career. 

As he watched an uphill section of the 2011 Tour de France, Schwartz noticed that the bobbing motion of the riders looked like wasted energy. If only the rider had something to push his back against, restraining vertical motion and allowing more leverage on the pedals, then the bicycle would be more efficient.

Yeah, if only, dumbass.  It's also a proven fact that 99.9% of all inane bicycle "innovations" are invented by people who don't realize that what they're really looking for is a recumbent:


("If only the rider had something to push his back against, restraining vertical motion and allowing more leverage on the pedals...")

At this point I could start an entirely new blog called "Subconscious Recumbent Yearnings" and fill it with all the asinine ass pedestals, harnesses and so forth that these schnooks seem to come up with on a daily basis.  However, I don't really feel like starting an entirely new blog right now, so I'll just use the name for my new band instead:


(My band, Subconscious Recumbent Yearnings, will gladly rock your wedding, Bar Mitzvah, or corporate get-together.)

Anyway, haven't we seen this before already, albeit without a drivetrain?


It also has disc brakes, though evidently the rotor in the rear is just for show:


Lastly, Spanish authorities have arrested Ángel Vázquez, a.k.a. The World's Most Dangerous Fred:


Who was pulled from a Gran Fondo while leading it a mere 30km from the finish:


In a bizarre incident, police stopped and arrested a Spanish rider while he was leading Spain’s most prestigious gran fondo, the Quebrantahuesos event, across the Pyrénées on Saturday.

Ángel Vázquez had won the previous edition of the popular event but was yanked from the race 30km from the finish by agents from Spain’s Guardia Civil when he was poised to win yet again.

Evidently, Vázquez had been banned from at least two "sports" and was now doping his way through the Fondo circuit:

According to reports in the Spanish media, the presence of Vázquez raised the ire of event organizers. Vázquez had been banned for life in triathlon for doping infractions, and also had previously served a ban as a pro cyclist when he tested positive for EPO in 2010.

In nature, the only creature more dangerous than a cornered animal is a Fred who has been interrupted mid-Fondo, so it should come as no surprise Vázquez threatened the arresting officers:

According to a report on the Spanish wire service EFE, agents tried three times to stop Vázquez during the event. When he was finally detained in the town of Hoz de Jaca, he was later transported to a local station for insulting and threatening officers.

As for the nature of the threat, according to witnesses Vázquez brandished a crabon seatpost and uttered the following:

"Hello.  My name is Ángel Vázquez.  You interrupted my Fondo.  Prepare to die."

And I shouldn't have to tell you who will play Vázquez in the movie:


Evidently, Mandy Patinkin has Latent Fred Tendencies, and you too can catch LFT when they open for Subconscious Recumbent Yearnings at Interbike 2014.

118 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm in! gotta read now

Fred Nifacent said...

Podio

Anonymous said...

Come on "Dickie"

Spokey said...

podi at last!

Spokey said...

frack me

Anonymous said...

scrodium!

gE said...

Schleckedy Schleck

Fred Nifacent said...

Obviously better living (and biking) through chemistry

Anonymous said...

ACAB

Spokey said...

fuck, I'll read this thing after I go ride a biek that I own.

Maybe eat lunch. Maybe quaff a scotch and soda.

Bama Phred said...

Top Ten?

Anonymous said...

"...which is a nice way of saying that as income equality rapidly increases the concept of "personal property" is now moribund for all but the wealthiest Americans."

shouldn't this be DE creases?

gE said...

Wow, okay that was a pack finish. Hesjedal then.

Anonymous said...

let's try reading for comprehension

Bama Phred said...

Scranus

Anonymous said...

or IN equality. either way, we're all screwed

Anonymous said...

I'd like to get Emma to "push back" if you know what I mean (wink wink)

ken e. said...

like alice near the beginning...

Bama Phred said...

Paging Art Vandelay to Velo design studio, Paging Art Vandelay to Velo design studio

Roille Figners said...

Scrah-NOO

(approximate French pronunciation)

Anonymous said...

Listening to Cervello Elettronico's "Process Of Eliminatoin (Fractured Transmission Remix)" Whoa great music for pre & post ride... I got to get on the R3 sometime soon...What was there this morning is now gone!

Bama Phred said...

Yeah, I feel like a tourist everyday in my hometown, an unwelcome one.

RudyG said...

NYC is a great place to visit, but i wouldn't want to live there.
Too many dumocrats there wanting the government to control their lives, electing bloomberg, deblasio, etc.

DB said...

Shut Up, Legs!

Anonymous said...

Rudy G, we wouldn't want you to live her either.

balls™ said...

I have a hidden gem, or at least that's what Mrs Balls™ tells me when she's trying to flatter me, or buy something expensive.

Bama Phred said...

Subconscious Recumbent Yearnings releases first hit, the Subterranean Recumbent Rock. I tried to work gravel in but i have no talent.

They are opening for the "slam loodymen"

DB said...

I don't think Mayor Mike was a Democrat.

DB said...

Snob, your band reminded me of that black hole in our culture known as the 80's. LA Gear, Camp Beverly Hills, British Knights, Rubiks Cube, Jane Fonda Workout, VCRs, Sony cassette tapes, Giorgio of Beverly Hills perfume, etc.
Speaking of Greg Lemond, he's coming to Dubuque in August to talk about Chasing the Badger.

Matt said...

Hey, it wasn't just a gran fondo, it was Spain's most prestigious gran fondo!

grog said...

I have a subconscious recumbabe somewhere. Where is she?

Anonymous said...

The only thing creepier than the show Criminal Minds is the Criminal Minds team kit. Very disturbing.

Spokey said...

DB

mayor bloomers was a dem then became a rep to become mayor and then switched to indie.

Too lazy (snob wouldn't have it any other way) to look it up but my guess is he was an 'R' for 8-10 years.


555 the robot version of 666 'cause they're faster than us

DB said...

Thank you, Spokey.
Get those legs ready for later. WIWM and RQ, too.

McFly said...

You could not come up with Penelope in a Fred suit? That's a lot plus toys to play with. Grand Fondle, indeed.

Anonymous said...

In a bizarre incident, police stopped and arrested a Spanish rider while he was leading Spain’s most prestigious gran fondo, the Quebrantahuesos event...

Quebrantahuesos --> osprey

Why name your bike ride after "a diurnal, fish-eating bird of prey."

Roille Figners said...

I'm looking for pound notes loose change bad checks anything

Nogocyclist said...

So that is Spinal Tap!

When I was being diagnosed for a neuromuscular disorder I was given a spinal tap (aka Lumbar Puncture.) As always, when the doctors told me about the test, I Googled it so see what it was. When I Googled it with the name Spinal Tap all that came up was references to that band.

I didn't know anything about them but thought they had a cool sounding name, anyway. Only thing I can say after seeing that video, I sure would have expected them to be harder rock, or even a metal band with their given name.

And if case anyone is curious, a spinal tap procedure does hurt. It's not something I would want to have to go though again.

Anonymous said...

From uber-MC on Soul Train to Cat 6 Fred. Lo! How the mighty have fallen!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...excuse me, but not all architects invent stupid contraptions... THE inventor of bicycles as we know it, Mr. Karl Drais, studied architecture.

...every architect since Drais is a poseur.

DB said...

Grouch is back!

JLRB said...

We are truly inspired by your perspective

DB said...

Snob: I read where the wealthiest neighborhoods in NYC aren't necessarily the best tippers. You may want to tell your neighbors to tip better.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...yes, DB, and badly in need of some bikeen. Perhaps i can invent a bike that not only pushes back, but forth too. McFly would approve.

ken e. said...

@nogo,
unless you're on some kind of SUPER IRONIC TRIP, you had better go back to the innernets and add the word "stonehenge" to your search. check out "a mighty wind" too...

Stuart Rasmussen said...

The United Nations Meditation Room or the Grand Central Station Whispering Gallery sound sort of like "Hidden Gems", and best of all, parking is next to impossible: hahaha! screw you, car rental company! The Whispering Gallery would also be a pretty strong hint that mass transit is the way to go in NYC.....

Anonymous said...

That flying rider is like a shit version of a pedersen...

McFly said...

You know Morgan has a contact in his Celly called Big Booty and it's Garcia and it gets drunkenly dialed at 2 a.m. and she is on a bullett train to Poundtown.

Roille Figners said...

Spinal Tap were definitely purveyors of Heavy Duty rock'n'roll. "Gimme Some Money" is from their early skiffle-influenced days in and around Squatney.

Anonymous said...

Fix the Fly6 already !

vsk

Bama Phred said...

Is Gran Fondue even a sport? I thought it was an expensive donut ride with better refreshment stations. I would have really snorted coffee thru the nose if Angel had been busted in Hoz de Jaca-off

JLRB said...

That fondo dope bust led me to this doper data base

I checked for Anonymous, today's winner, but found no evidence of drug use

leroy said...

My dog took the occasion of today's post to remind me that I can no longer get a gig with a big hair band.

I told him he could be shaved for wig making purposes.

That shut him up.

(Of course he has nothing to worry about. Who wants to smell like wet dog?)

Name said...

Somebody's been reading my email for me. Naughty.

1904 Cadardi said...

Today is bike to work day in Colorado. After too many years of snow when the rest of Canada's bib-shorts celebrates riding a bicycle once a year, it got moved.

As a semi-regular bicycle-cycle commuter I observed many varieties of neo-cyclist, most of whom looked like fish out of water, except with more breathing difficulty.

To wit:
The rust machine. Bikes that makes the Wild Cat Rust Machine rain bike look factory fresh and well lubricated. They appear to be held together with cobwebs.

The downhill mountain bikes, complete with triple clamp fork and full face helment. Huck some air Bro!

More poorly fitting borrowed walmart mountain bikes than I could count.

Several "herds" of riders. A herd is like a pack, only more spread out and somewhat less coordinated. Usually lead by an Alpha-Fred, in full team kit, to guide them through the scary confines of suburban Denver.

Plus all the regular riders that only commute once a year for a free breakfast.

Welcome to bikes! I'm glad each and everyone of you is riding and hope today is the one June afternoon without hail.

JB said...

Big bottoms,
big bottoms,
talk about brackets,
my sled's got 'em.

DB said...

Hey, Babble:
Bicycling magazine has an article on how to ride in heels.

crosspalms said...

"that one great place that has been under your nose for years"

Emma, talk like that usually wins a visit from McFly. Or Cipo.

ken e. said...

and 'cause i'm stuck in a prog rock mode...
mono -hymn to the immortal wind

Dooth said...

This is New York City? Where's the 14 yr old who tried to mug me at gun point?

DB said...

Crosspalms at 3:35 for the COD.

Deadly Fredly said...

A lot of people feel nostalgia the the days of hair metal and pussy heavy metal ballads. I am not one of them. I prefer my metal be dark, heavy, and Nordic (or at least Nordic inspired).




326458 (that's a helluva house number)

Okie Dokie said...

I noticed that Emma ended every statement in her letter with an exclamation point, except for the last one where she said she looked forward to speaking with you. So, it seems, the thought of speaking with you and knowing if you're interested is the least exciting part of the concept. Congrats!

Flyover BC said...

Quebrantahuesos= bone breaker

I did see a herd of citibikes in NYC, which makes it extra special.




Anonymous said...

Hair bands, bizarre really.

gE said...

"Hello. My name is Ángel Vázquez. You interrupted my Fondo. Prepare to die."

Gold, Snobby, Gold!

Oh, and Name, if you read it more carefully, I think it was more of a restraining order to leave Emma alone:

...bloggers be apart of our peer-to-peer mission...

Way to go. The lawyers should be banging on your screen door in 3-2-1 ...

ken e. said...

that's why i like winnie the pooh and skinny puppy collaborations, for the nordic
influence.

WACK MTEL
DONT GTIT

gE said...

Hey, you can mock heavy metal and hair bands all you like, but Spinal Tap is as real as it gets, man!

Dave said...

When you get right down to it, aren't we all just Workin' on a Sex Farm?

Brooks said...

Bike Snob -- you must not have looked at all the photos on the Flying Rider suspended bicycle website -- you missed quite an opportunity, with a whole bondage play angle. See more at the Retrogrouch Blog http://bikeretrogrouch.blogspot.com/2014/06/why-again-i-ask-why.html

mikeweb said...

This blog goes to 11.

Deadly Fredly said...

gE - I am pretty certain that This is Spinal Tap is a send up of 80s heavy metal silliness. It may be as real as it gets, but it's still satire.




381

Spokey said...

I liked that NYC music

Reminded me of the theme music from Dune. The better 1984 version with the cast of Dean Stockwell, Sting, Jean-Luc Picard, and other greats.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zm4E4umP9Qc&feature=player_detailpage#t=115




robot claims to be a tupplie McCullough, not a sand worm from Arrakis

le Correcteur said...

The poor girl on the suspended torture device traction bicycle: is she a daughter? A niece? Even in a still pic you can hear her saying "Daaaad! Can I get off now?" Poor thing; her embarassment is tangible.

Or am I projecting?

Fred Nifacent said...

Subconscious Recumbent Yearnings new album is SMELL THE riding GLOVE. Featuring a full kit Fred on all fours.

babble on said...

DB - hooray! Finally. I love pretty shoes and I love bikes. The two of them do look good together.
Ha. Yesterday, I was riding along on Bea bike in a pair of five inch platform stilettos, arm in sling, and an uber fred said "Wow! That's impressive!" as he rode by. And it's funny, cause really, the size of your heel has nothing much to do with how you ride.

Mmmm grand fondle. Mmm...

I enjoyed the groovy Spinal Tap track.

gE said...

Deadly Fredly, yeah, right. Next you'll be telling me the Colbert Report isn't real. Pfft.

Anonymous said...

fondus interruptus. happens to the best of us.

JLRB said...

better than premature fondulation

Mr. Tap said...

pretty sure, Deadly?

Watch it 11 times and report back

Spokey said...

i didn't know you got donuts on fondos. Have to rethink me boycott.




bet you can't guess number catedot

Deadly Fredly said...

Babble - have you considered a career in shoe fetish/bike fetish/physical disability porn? Although you seem to have no hangups about nakedness, you probably wouldn't even have to get nekkid. There is a good chance that people would pay good money for minimally clothed pics of you riding your bike in a pair of five inch platform stilettos with your arm in sling.




4189

JB said...

"This bike shalln't be ridden - ever. Don't touch it!"

DB said...

Spokey:
Sean Young in Dune.
Oh, yeah.

Roille Figners said...

And thus we come full circle back to Blade Runner, pivoting on the Sean Young axis. (Bacon No. = 1)

Speaking of Satan and metal and children's TV characters, this.

ken e. said...

that is pure gold!

Spokey said...

JB

Chani in Dune is one thing

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/8/8f/Chani-sean_young.jpg

this is quite another thing

http://images.starpulse.com/pictures/2010/03/10/previews/Sean%20Young-SGG-091553.jpg



robot says use iciativios and you get tossed from the TdF

VOR said...

Hey, if every motorist is an asshole, then Emma's scheme means that there would be fewer assholes actually driving because there would be many more grounded assholes waiting to use fewer cars. How cool is that!

Spokey said...

or they would engage in worse road rage to vent their frustrations

Anonymous said...

Go to this and report back? It involves actually riding a bicycle. http://www.odysseybmx.com/dailyword/2014/06/ny-grands/

Anonymous said...

1. This amp goes to 11, see...

2. Where is a picture of Emma?

3. I'm guessing she's a:


genuine toodore.

Spokey said...

DB was hoping for a lead

Spokey said...

out

gE said...

Taking a pull ...

JLRB said...

Coming up from the back of the pack

JLRB said...

Pfffffttt .... Inhaler is out - damn

Spokey said...

spokes is climbing out of the saddle

Spokey said...

clicks in to the high ring

Nacnud said...

"Architect and engineer D.M. Schwartz invented Flying Rider. He has been awarded 15 US patents over his 47-year career."

Of which I assume exactly none had anything to do with cycling?

Spokey said...

and

Nacnud said...

...and Deadly Fredly @4:25 PM

Say it ain't so!

Spokey said...

a century podia again

Too much acid said...

When I was growing up, Spinal Tap was my favourite band. I was at their gig in Montreux when they burned the place down. Man, those were the days.

BLT said...

Nitro!!!

Jill J. Atchison said...

Aw, this was an exceptionally nice post. In concept I would like to place in writing such as this moreover – spending time and actual effort to create a excellent article… but so what can I say… I procrastinate alot through no indicates find a way to go completed.

best bicycle sites

ce said...

Gran's Fondue

JLRB said...

There was some irregularity in last nights sprint finish - it appears that a tourist on a city bike came out of nowhere to snatch victory away from Spokey

Black bar tape said...

QUEBRANTAHUESOS - bone breaker - lammergeier - bearded vulture (Gypaetus barbatus)
I did this Marcha in 2006. 205km 3500m climbing. Managed it in 9 1/4 hrs to get bronze. Never seen so many bike cyclists at once. I was No 7000 and something.
The Hoz de Jaca is just about one climb too many

McFly said...

I wish I could get a WED from doping control at work. [Weed Exemption Dude]

Bama Phred said...

Would it be considered bad form to mail WCRM a SD card for the Fly6, seeing as how he is overburdened with his blogulation, bike riding, and 17 children? I'm sure one sent to WCRM/RTMS, Gen. Delivery, Ny Ny would work, no? How many could there be?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Thanks for that gross NYC promotional video. If it's all the same to you I will continue to imagine NYC appears as it does in The Warriors.

Sirus said...

..come out to playayayayay

Spokey said...

JLRB

not so. The miscreant tried to illegally snatch victory in the spirit of Rosie Ruiz.

But
Post 98 - clicks in to the high ring @ 10:06
Post 100 - and @ 10:06

The century yeller for spokey!




what does the cow say if the pasture ilsmall

Anonymous said...

EBM song of the day :
Battery "Meat Market " hungpleasehanging

Rad hair band miSteRsNobSelfDesTRuct I feel like they need to be renamed ReSubVElo Pining " massive attack hit "Near In Rear' guess what it is about meeting up with ant-i to for anal after meeting them for the first time on the side of the road with a flat tire and no air pump. I guess 'That Is What I Get"NIN ~ :;for not buying an air pump by in the day. Now I have two portable air pumpps and no anal! What am I to do?

The cow said...

moo

gE said...

How come Jill seems to have an easier time getting through the robot detector than I do? I think Google secretly likes robots.

ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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