Wednesday is in the middle of the common Western five-day workweek that starts on Monday and finishes on Friday.

People think being a semi-professional bike blogger is easy, which of course it is.  But that doesn't mean I don't have to do work.  For example, in addition to typing words into this magic box, I also have to make executive-level decisions and field and evaluate high-stakes business proposals like this one:

Hi Name!

Yes, I swear, this was the actual salutation in the letter.  I'm guessing that at some point someone told her always to "address people by name" in email correspondence, and so she's taking that literally.

My name is Emma Powers, and I’m the Community Coordinator at RelayRides. We are a peer-to-peer sharing car rental service and with the shift to more of a sharing economy we need to spread the word on some hotspots/services across the country!

Car rental service?  Oh, yes, by all means continue!  As a bike blogger, you can be sure I want to do all I can to make sure as many assholes as possible have ready access to motor vehicles.  I also like the phrase "shift to more of a sharing economy," which is a nice way of saying that as income inequality rapidly increases the concept of "personal property" is now moribund for all but the wealthiest Americans.  I guess the fact that we're all piss-poor now is why car-sharing companies are scrounging around asking bike bloggers to give them free advertising.

When’s the last time you felt like a tourist in your own city, or came across that one great place that has been under your nose for years? I ask that you and a select group of other bloggers be apart of our peer-to-peer mission to highlight Hometown Hidden Gems! Create a post on your blog that talks about your hidden gem(s) and feel free to make of it whatever you will! We are truly inspired by your perspective and your post could provide the same great experiences for fellow locals or even for a reader traveling to your town in the future! From a a great place to take a long ride to a great pit stop to grab a bite to eat -- talk about it and give credit where it’s due!

You ask that I and a select group of other bloggers be a part of your peer-to-peer mission?  Well I ask that you give me some goddamn money!  If that's not clear enough, here it is in musical form:



As for the last time I felt like a tourist in my own city, how about every time I go to Brooklyn?  It's like a less ethnically-diverse Portland now.  And have you seen this shit?



What city is that?!?  Because I sure as hell don't live anyplace that looks like that.

I especially loved the quasi-transcendent rock soundtrack, and I kept waiting for Jared Leto to appear on his Fixie of Righteousness:

So now what?

We’ll be creating a places board and our social team looks forward to pinning their favorite gems from participants with credits given back to the post itself! So with the world watching, lets uncover some of the greatest places together! Let me know if you are interested; I look forward to speaking with you soon.

Best,
Emma

Nice try, Emma, but you can be damn sure if I uncover any great places I'll be keeping them to myself.

Then, after checking my email I headed over to Twitter, where I saw this:

Just wait ’til @bikesnobnyc gets a load of http://t.co/7krSVP7p1k.
— Tom Sulston (@tomsulston) June 25, 2014

Just when you think you've seen it all, here comes a Fred in a hernia truss:

 

It's a proven fact that 99% of all inane bicycle "innovations" are invented by architects who think they can learn everything they need to know about cycling by watching the Tour de France, and this one is no exception:

Architect and engineer D.M. Schwartz invented Flying Rider. He has been awarded 15 US patents over his 47-year career. 

As he watched an uphill section of the 2011 Tour de France, Schwartz noticed that the bobbing motion of the riders looked like wasted energy. If only the rider had something to push his back against, restraining vertical motion and allowing more leverage on the pedals, then the bicycle would be more efficient.

Yeah, if only, dumbass.  It's also a proven fact that 99.9% of all inane bicycle "innovations" are invented by people who don't realize that what they're really looking for is a recumbent:

("If only the rider had something to push his back against, restraining vertical motion and allowing more leverage on the pedals...")

At this point I could start an entirely new blog called "Subconscious Recumbent Yearnings" and fill it with all the asinine ass pedestals, harnesses and so forth that these schnooks seem to come up with on a daily basis.  However, I don't really feel like starting an entirely new blog right now, so I'll just use the name for my new band instead:

(My band, Subconscious Recumbent Yearnings, will gladly rock your wedding, Bar Mitzvah, or corporate get-together.)

Anyway, haven't we seen this before already, albeit without a drivetrain?


It also has disc brakes, though evidently the rotor in the rear is just for show:

Lastly, Spanish authorities have arrested Ángel Vázquez, a.k.a. The World's Most Dangerous Fred:

Who was pulled from a Gran Fondo while leading it a mere 30km from the finish:

In a bizarre incident, police stopped and arrested a Spanish rider while he was leading Spain’s most prestigious gran fondo, the Quebrantahuesos event, across the Pyrénées on Saturday.

Ángel Vázquez had won the previous edition of the popular event but was yanked from the race 30km from the finish by agents from Spain’s Guardia Civil when he was poised to win yet again.

Evidently, Vázquez had been banned from at least two "sports" and was now doping his way through the Fondo circuit:

According to reports in the Spanish media, the presence of Vázquez raised the ire of event organizers. Vázquez had been banned for life in triathlon for doping infractions, and also had previously served a ban as a pro cyclist when he tested positive for EPO in 2010.

In nature, the only creature more dangerous than a cornered animal is a Fred who has been interrupted mid-Fondo, so it should come as no surprise Vázquez threatened the arresting officers:

According to a report on the Spanish wire service EFE, agents tried three times to stop Vázquez during the event. When he was finally detained in the town of Hoz de Jaca, he was later transported to a local station for insulting and threatening officers.

As for the nature of the threat, according to witnesses Vázquez brandished a crabon seatpost and uttered the following:

"Hello.  My name is Ángel Vázquez.  You interrupted my Fondo.  Prepare to die."

And I shouldn't have to tell you who will play Vázquez in the movie:

Evidently, Mandy Patinkin has Latent Fred Tendencies, and you too can catch LFT when they open for Subconscious Recumbent Yearnings at Interbike 2014.