Naked Ambition: Solutions in Search of Problems, and Riders in Search of Pants.

Nudity.

Usually, it's "NSFW."  However, there are two exceptions: 1) Medical use (like when you're self-diagnosing that weird sore on the Internet); and 2) the World Naked Bike Ride, which no human person could ever find sexually arousing:

(Vulvanus control, via BikePortland)

The World Naked Bike Ride evidently took place in Portland recently, and so I found myself browsing BikePortland's coverage with one hand partially obscuring my vision and my barf bucket close at hand.  If you've never heard of the World Naked Bike Ride before now, consider yourself lucky, and here's what a popular user-edited Internet encyclopedia has to say about it:

The World Naked Bike Ride (WNBR) is an international clothing-optional bike ride in which participants plan, meet and ride together en masse on human-powered transport (the vast majority on bicycles, but some on skateboards and inline skates), to "deliver a vision of a cleaner, safer, body-positive world."[1]

So basically, in the future according to the WNBR, we'll be free from our crippling dependency on oil, but we'll have to deal with bare asses and genitals in our faces while we're riding the subway, which is arguably worse:

("Do not oil my ass," via BikePortland)

Uh, no oil where exactly?  Because I can think of certain situations in which he might quickly reevaluate his stance on lubricants.

The same encyclopedia also has this to say:

The dress code motto is "bare as you dare".[2] Full or partial nudity is encouraged, but not mandatory. There is no mandate to cover intimate parts; this is a distinguishing feature of the WNBR against other cycling events.

I think it's incredibly lame that nudity is merely optional on the World Naked Bike Ride.  Sure, I also think the World Naked Bike Ride itself is incredibly lame, and I pray to Jesus Christ I never find myself anywhere near it, but I'd have more respect for them if they'd at least enforce a strict (un)dress code.  And probably the lamest form of non-nudity at the World Naked Bike Ride is the flesh-colored garment:

(BikePortland again.)

Not only that, but she has the audacity to wear a WNBR sash!

She probably also owns a Prius yet has a sticker on her bike that says "One Less Car."  That bike is most likely a track bike with a coaster brake, and she has a set of knuckle tattoos that says "NOBR AKES."

Also, is the WNBR really the only cycling event with no "mandate to cover intimate parts?"  Because I don't remember seeing that in the USA Cycling rule book.  (Remember when they used to send you a copy with your license?  It made for handy bathroom reading when you finished browsing the Colorado Cyclist catalog.)  I know you need to keep your shoulders covered, but if you cut a little schmeckle hole in your chamois before your next crit is that really grounds for disqualification?

I'm not sure that it is.

In other news, I've received a hopeful email from a would-be keychain magnate:

Hey Bikesnob,

My name is Daniel Farkas and I introduced the world's thinnest and lightest keychain via Kickstarter. 

Farkas?  Of the "Christmas Story" Farkases?!?

I read on:

So what's the big deal with keychains? :) Although it is an essential item in everybody's everyday-carry, it's typically an ugly, primitive design, opposed to our sleek mobile phones, wallets, pens, watches or notebooks. With my design I want to unclutter the keychain and make it aesthetically pleasing. 

Wait a minute.  A keychain is ugly and primitive?  Really?  Here's what mine looks like:

Firstly, what's more elegant than a circle?  Secondly, think about how a typical key ring works:

Come on, it's genius!  Minimalist, elegant, totally secure...  If split-ring keychain technology did not exist today you can be sure some design douche would be launching a Kickstarter for it today.

Actually, that's not true.  No design douche could come up with something so simple and yet so brilliant.

Still, I wanted to see what this guy had, so I kept going:

So what makes this keychain special?

- it's ridiculously thin and light » 40% lighter than the same "regular" keychain
- greater leverage (the whole unit is the grip) » easier turn in the keyhole
- unlimited number of keys can be integrated into TIK while the thinness remains the same
- worn-out, recycled chains are perfect for TIK » tiny eco-footprint
- ultimate simplicity

Okay, this had to be a joke.  So I watched the video:



Ah, now I get it.  This guy wants twenty-three thousand dollars to grind your keys down to nubs and then attach some bicycle chain links to them:

I have many questions here, including but not limited to: Where do I put my Citi Bike key?  Where do I put my lucky rabbit's foot, my sacred lobster claw, and my cursed monkey's paw?  What about the consequences of mangling the key to THE CAR THAT I OWN?  (To say nothing of the remote door lock fob thingy.  What do I do with that?)  And what about my weird stubby bike lock keys, how do they fit?  How do I quickly remove a key if I need to lend it to somebody?  Am I supposed to use Wipperman links for that?  And how am I supposed to tell one key from another?  What, I'm supposed to memorize the tooth profiles now?

But, you know, it's a few grams lighter, so there's that:

Also, of course there's "greater leverage:"

I have a huge problem getting enough leverage to open my front door lock, which is why I always carry a breaker bar with me when I leave the house.  I've also read all of Lennard Zinn's advice on the subject of locks, but it's been no help:

Dear Lennard:

I'm currently running a Banhauser Aluminum Fireproof Apartment Pro SL front door pivoting on Hufnagel sealed ceramic bearing hinges, with a Schlagel lock cylinder actuated by an aftermarket titanium blade Cornell key with ergonomic carbon fiber bow.  The system is set up to self-lock upon egress.  Usually upon returning home after a ride I apply 1N-m of torque (verified with a torque wrench) to gain entry, but recently I've begun to experience disturbing lateral flex and key wind-up, and last week after a ride I went as high as 1.5N-m before I stopped applying force for fear of catastrophic key failure.  (I spent the night in the hallway, and could hear my cat mewing hungrily in the foyer.)  

Lack of sleep is absolutely savaging my Strava times.  What should I do?

Fred F. Frederick,
New York, NY


Dear Fred,

A titanium-specific anti-seize compound might help, though it's more likely that your tumblers are wearing at a different rate than your key.  You don't specify whether you're running the Schlagel SL or the SL-S.  I suspect it's the latter, in which case the tumblers are magnesium, and with a ti key setup you really should be switching them out after every five openings.  Of course, at $60 a tumbler this is a costly proposition (magnesium tumblers are ideal for vacation homes you only access a few times a year), so in the long run it's much more cost-effective to upgrade to a complete electronic system.  My personal favorite is the Guest-O-Tron hospitality-grade card key system, which is run by Four Seasons Hotels, Inc. in all their luxury properties.  (Artisanal "Do Not Disturb" signs are also available from Speedvagen in Portland.)  This should prove sufficiently robust for you, even through cyclocross season when many mechanical locking systems tend to jam and fail in muddy conditions.

Also, be sure you're reading your torque wrench correctly.  If it's the Park TW-3, note that it's calibrated for both newton meters (N-m) and Diminutive Frenchman Units (DFU).

Lennard

It's House Fred stuff like this that has made me go full retrogrouch, which is why I've ditched all my own locking hardware in favor of a bulletproof skeleton key system.  (Bonus: the skeleton key is perfect for hanging from my waistcoat along with my pocket watch during tweed rides.)

Lastly, here's a Hasidic guy who's looking for a female riding partner and not an adulterous liaison with a muffin-topped hipster shiksa:

Hasidic Guy Seeking Female Biking Partner - m4w - 28 (North Brooklyn )
age : 28 body : thin

Hi, 

I'm a young fit Hasidic guy who loves the outdoors (hooozaa, what a surprise). I'm looking for cycling adventures with an artsy type woman who is interested in learning about Hasidic culture and stuff and would show me some of the hipster underbelly in exchange. 

I'm putting this under missed connections because I always get curious looks when I'm out on my bike and sometimes I feel that there might be someone who would want to talk and ask questions.

If this guy wants to see some hipster underbellies he should skip Craigslist and try the World Naked Bike Ride.