A Fred Too Far

(Farewell to the People's Poet.)

I believe strongly that we should encourage as many people as possible to ride bicycles...

..for transportation.

I do not, however, believe that we should encourage people to ride bikes recreationally.  If anything, there are too many of us already, and I'd even go so far as to say that we may have reached "Peak Fred."*  It's difficult to pinpoint when exactly this occurred, but I suspect it was when the bike companies added yet another marketing segment by moving the cable stops on their cyclocross bikes ever so slightly and renaming them "gravel bikes."

*[In this case I am using the term "Fred" to include any over-enthusiastic bike dork, regardless of gender or preferred riding style.  If at any point over the past weekend you blathered on about your bicycle or your ride to someone who clearly doesn't give a shit (i.e. pretty much everyone else in your life), then you are a Fred under this definition, regardless of the width of your tires or the nature of the terrain you delude yourself into thinking you "conquered."]

Not that it matters.  When we reached Peak Fred, how we reached it, and why we reached it is immaterial.  All that's important is that it's happening.  If you don't believe me, just go to your local greenway, rail-trail, or recreational path and watch the Fred-studded clusterfucktacular that ensues.  Or, better yet, next time you suit up for a ride, clomp over to a full-length mirror and take a good look at yourself before you leave the house.  What do you see?  Ridiculous clown shoes?  A helment shaped like a motorcycle gas tank?  Stubbly legs sticking out of threadbare Lycra man-Spanx?  A backpack with what appears to be an enema tube dangling from it?  A jersey proclaming you to be the Swiss National Champion, even though you're a dentist from Milwaukee?

Now let the shame wash over you for a few minutes, and then ask yourself honestly:

Does the world really need more of you?

No, it does not.

By the way, I can assure you I'm also indicting myself here, which is why I keep all the mirrors in my home covered at all times, like I'm sitting shiva.  In fact, I haven't seen myself in cycling clothing since the late 20th century, when I gazed lovingly at myself for two and a half hours after receiving my Cat 3 upgrade in the mail from USA Cycling.  Placing that tiny "3" sticker over the "4" on my racing license was the proudest moment of my life, and I've been living in a very necessary state of denial ever since--though the truth occasionally taunts me when I put on an old racing jersey and the zipper opens from the bottom while I'm climbing due to my distended middle-aged vodka gut.

(I wish I looked this good.)

Nevertheless, I pedal on, and this past weekend I did all my recreational cycling astride this bicycle:

(The most impractical bike I own is also the most fun to ride.  Funny how that works.)

Before we go any further, let's get something out of the way, because it happens every time I post a picture of a mountain bike: do not tell me to "get a suspension fork."  Telling me to "get a suspension fork" is like me telling someone in Cincinnati to "get a MetroCard" because I use one to ride the New York City subway.  For some reason, Mountain Freds love to tell you to "get a suspension fork," just like the fixie dorks used to tell you to "get a fixed-gear"--though even they have stopped this behavior, having since given up on fixed-gear bikes themselves and moved on to gravel bikes.  Even a tridork knows better than to look at your road bike and then tell you to "get some aerobars," so it's only really the Mountain Freds engaging in this behavior at this point.  Anyway, it's especially annoying because I already have a suspension fork, and at the moment it's in my storage closet along with all the other things I'm glad to own but were completely unnecessary this past weekend, like my winter coat and my Christmas tree ornaments.  

And don't tell me to get a kayak trailer, either--or a kayak, for that matter:

So basically this is a kayak trailer that transforms into a bike rack for your kayak, which does seem a bit more practical than the pontoons employed by the one and only "Water Fred," aka "Fred of the Sea:"

(Remember this guy?)

As for the inventor of the kayak trailer, he states that the inspiration for it was his intense desire to squeeze in a quick paddle after work, an impulse that is decidedly Fredly.  See, normal people simply relax after work, and people who have transcended Fredliness either head out early in the morning before work--or, more often, are simply unemployed.  Therefore, this guy is clearly a total Fred, though whether he's a Bicycle Fred or a Kayak Fred is open to debate.  In any case, if saving time is paramount for him, he should probably have cut out the middleman and designed an amphibious bicycle kayak along these lines:

Granted, this is less an amphibious kayak then it is a recumbent land-sea dinghy, but I'm sure the Kayak Fred could find a way to make it more kayak-like.

Meanwhile, it pro cycling news, it's Dauphiné time, and if you're new to the sport of cycling the Dauphiné is where all the Tour de France favorites test out their drugs before the main event:

(Sweet Lob, the Dauphiné winners list is like the Traveling Wilburys of dopers!)

I won't tell you who's leading the race now, because: A) it's like totally uncool to publish "spoilers;" and 2) I'm not paying attention.  As you've probably heard by now though, Bradley Wiggins has been snubbed by Team Sky for this year's Big Fat Boucle:

Wiggins will ride the Tour de Suisse instead of the Dauphiné, but regardless of how he performs there, he explained that he will not be at the Tour de France so long as Froome is fit and present.

“If he crashes there, there’d still be a chance I could come into the team,” Wiggins said.

I wouldn't be surprised if Froome were to "meet with an accident" at the Dauphiné, though if that doesn't happen the silver lining in all of this is that Wiggins will be able to focus on his music career:

It shouldn't be long before his cover band "Today I Am A Mod" is rocking Bar Mitzvahs near you.

Lastly, via Twitter, an unfortunate cyclist has been doored by a porta-potty:

According to the victims and a witness, a 52-year-old Chesterton man was riding his bicycle on the sidewalk, passing a portable restroom at the same time a 68-year-old Pleasant Township man was exiting the restroom.

The man on the bike collided with the potty door, throwing the Pleasant Township man back into the restroom, causing him to cut his elbow. The collision caused the Chesterton man to fall off his bike and strike his head on the concrete sidewalk.

No mention of whether the cyclists was wearing a helment, or of whether the porta-potty occupant was employing an "ass gasket."