Cycling: An Affront to Decent, Hard-Working People

You receive lots of press releases when you're a world-renowned bike blogger and internationally published author.

You also receive a lot of press releases when you're an obscure bike blogger and noted douchebag, which explains why I get them.

Here's a press release I recently received, and it features a headline containing almost no words that get me excited:

LOCAL BIKE SHOP WINS FIXED GEAR CYCLING COMPETITION ON WORLD’S SMALLEST VELODROME

"Fixed gear cycling..." "competition..." "velodrome..."  These are the words that strike sleep in the hearts of me.  When I read a headline like that, it feels like I'm staring at this:

(I fall asleep for 40 minutes every single time I see the above image of a Retro-Fred wagging his heel admonishingly, but thanks to the miracle of pre-recorded blogs you'd never know that.)

And of all the soporific words in that headline, it's "velodrome" that really lays me out.  Remember during the heyday of the fixie craze when people had to pretend to be interested in track racing?  That was terrible!  Fortunately that's all over now, and we've all returned to our default mode of not giving a fuck:

(A capacity crowd engrossed in a track race.)

In retrospect, it's probably a good thing they never built that velodrome in Brooklyn Bridge Park, because it would have just sat there like a NOBR AKES knuckle tattoo across the Brooklyn skyline.

Anyway, so what happened at the "World's Smallest Velodrome?"  Well, this:

Brooklyn, New York (June 27, 2014) – Hundreds of New Yorkers packed in the Brooklyn Masonic Temple tonight to see 100 of the top fixed gear cyclists rip on the world’s steepest and smallest velodrome for the return of Red Bull Mini Drome. For the second year in a row, 100 passionate fixed gear racers signed up to race in 10-lap heats around steep wooden banks, resembling a mini Olympic cycling track, in the center of one of Brooklyn’s oldest temples.  

(Really, the "top fixed gear cyclists" were at the event?  So all the various UCI World Champions competed?  Yeah, I didn't think so.)

Wow.

I can't believe I missed it.

It's like I always say: energy drink marketing is the single greatest thing that's ever happened to cycling.*

*[Disclaimer: I never say that.]

Speaking of goofy cycling events with a veneer of irreverence, a Twitterer informs me that something called "CrowBomb" threatens to completely unravel the tasteful and subtly-patterned fabric of Canadian society:

On Thursday, a group of cyclists taking part in the annual ‘CrowBomb’ event headed down Crowchild Trail during rush hour. Though they mostly stuck to the far right lane, at some points the group of eight riders were seen weaving in and out of traffic.

Oh my god!!!  Occasional weaving!?!  So what happened?  Well, occasionally the riders went near cars:

Which made this police officer livid--or at least its Canadian equivalent, which is mildly perturbed:

“First of all it’s illegal, let’s make that perfectly clear,” says Sgt. Mike ter Kuile from the Calgary Police Service. “Crazy, I think not only crazy, but irresponsible.”

Oh, please.  They're riding bikes briskly.  "Crazy" and "irresponsible" is what you have going on about 3,500km to the east there, Dudley Douche-Right:

("Well, we eat apples to symbolize a sweet New Year, but if you prefer to substitute crack I don't see a problem with that Talmudically speaking.")

By the way, I had to use G--gle Maps to figure out how far Calgary was from Toronto and this is what I found:

Come on, you people can't even drive from one of your cities to another without going through our country?!?  No wonder our infrastructure's in such a state!  You and your tire chains are making poutine of our road surfaces!**

**[Disclaimer: I am being sarcastic, and I pray to Jesus Christ nightly for Canada to annex all the US states that border it, New York included.]

Anyway, Calgary is ready to crack down hard on these lunatic scofflaws, though by "crack down hard" I really mean the nearest Canadian equivalent, which is giving them "stunting tickets:"

(They're stunting!)

Canada is generally a more enlightened society than the United States, but one unfortunate thing we both have in common is that the mere act of riding a bicycle on a public road is considered a stunt--though check out this guy:

Move over, Martyn Ashton!  Now that's stunting!

Next, they interview drivers, and this one says the ride is "nuts!"

(Wait, are they just showing him the video?  Did he not even encounter the cyclists in real life?)

Incidentally, he says the same thing to his wive when she says she's thinking about having a second glass of wine, or that "Maybe you should wear the yellow golf shirt today instead of the red one."

Nuts, I tell you!

Not to be outdone, this driver says it's "crazy!"

(Holy shit, yeah, they're just showing them the video on a phone!  This proves that Canadian "journalists" are even lazier than their counterparts south of the border.)

You know what's crazy?  Your uncanny resemblance to a popular 1980s wrestling personality:

("Captain" Lou was in fact never a commissioned officer in the armed forces.)

Invariably, whenever it comes to covering maniac cyclists terrorizing the streets, journalists always manage to find at least one "Uncle Fred" willing to throw his fellow velocipedists under the autobus:

“That was completely over the top behaviour,” said Gary Beaton, president of the Tour de Nuit Society. “The majority of cyclists follow the rules of the road and are highly aware of their surroundings.”

Oh, save it.  Just once I'd love to hear one of these advocate types say something like, "You know what?  Sure, that ride looks kinda stupid, but maybe use a torque wrench on your sphincter because yours is seriously overtightened.  They're just bikes."

Finally, we get to meet the twisted mastermind of the ride--who, contrary to the story, is in fact so safety conscious he's wearing a helment during the interview:

“Traffic is stopped. Another car might bang into another one, that’s not going to hurt us.”

He was subsequently sentenced to life imprisonment for gloating over damage to a motor vehicle.

In other news, the Tour de France starts this coming weekend, and every year the media checks in with EPO-addled lummox Miguel Indurain, who says something mind-numbingly predictable:

Speaking to the Independent, Indurain said “It’s going to be a good fight. He [Contador] has been much more consistent this year, more focused. Both are in great shape. But let’s not forget the other rivals; if Contador and Froome get too obsessed with beating each other, another rider could surprise both of them.”

"The competitors will be riding bicycles again this year," added Indurain with his usual insight.  "Climbing will be a factor, especially in the mountains."

They say Indurain sits in front of the phone for a full three weeks before Tour time, waiting for it to ring while staring at an index card with the favorites' names on it and getting a massage from his brother, Joe Pesci:

(Indurain waiting for his annual call.)

Meanwhile, here's something else everybody already knew, which is that the French are hopeless:

All five French teams have confirmed lineups for the upcoming Tour de France, with a heavy focus on national riders and a hunt for stage wins.

It’s been a long time since a Frenchman has won the Tour — Bernard Hinault was the last in 1985 — and it looks very unlikely a Frenchman will win again this year. A top-10 is something to cheer for these days in the French peloton.

When reached for comment, five-time Tour winner Miguel Indurain added, "France is in Europe."

Lastly, if you're the "curvy girl" who visited a bike shop recently, some creepy Fred wants to ride behind you while sporting a boner:

To the curvy girl at strictly bikes on a cannondale - m4w - 40
age : 40

I overheard you say you liked my kit- I had noticed you right away 

I saw you at strictly with the pinkish top and I loved your curves. I them saw you again at the bridge and riverside...
I wish I had been bold and walked up to you.
If you are interested in riding with a funny, good looking bike boy- who you make horny(you looked gorgeous)- email me and tell me what my kit looked like: would love to meet and at least have the opportunity to introduce myself.

I hope you had a great ride.

He wants her to tell him what his kit looked like?  Let me guess: it was either full Rapha straining against his increasing girth, or else the very latest in Cat 4 CRCA sub-team chic.

I'm surprised he didn't invite her up to his KuKu Penthouse.