Monday, June 30, 2014

Cycling: An Affront to Decent, Hard-Working People

You receive lots of press releases when you're a world-renowned bike blogger and internationally published author.

You also receive a lot of press releases when you're an obscure bike blogger and noted douchebag, which explains why I get them.

Here's a press release I recently received, and it features a headline containing almost no words that get me excited:

LOCAL BIKE SHOP WINS FIXED GEAR CYCLING COMPETITION ON WORLD’S SMALLEST VELODROME

"Fixed gear cycling..." "competition..." "velodrome..."  These are the words that strike sleep in the hearts of me.  When I read a headline like that, it feels like I'm staring at this:


(I fall asleep for 40 minutes every single time I see the above image of a Retro-Fred wagging his heel admonishingly, but thanks to the miracle of pre-recorded blogs you'd never know that.)

And of all the soporific words in that headline, it's "velodrome" that really lays me out.  Remember during the heyday of the fixie craze when people had to pretend to be interested in track racing?  That was terrible!  Fortunately that's all over now, and we've all returned to our default mode of not giving a fuck:


(A capacity crowd engrossed in a track race.)

In retrospect, it's probably a good thing they never built that velodrome in Brooklyn Bridge Park, because it would have just sat there like a NOBR AKES knuckle tattoo across the Brooklyn skyline.

Anyway, so what happened at the "World's Smallest Velodrome?"  Well, this:

Brooklyn, New York (June 27, 2014) – Hundreds of New Yorkers packed in the Brooklyn Masonic Temple tonight to see 100 of the top fixed gear cyclists rip on the world’s steepest and smallest velodrome for the return of Red Bull Mini Drome. For the second year in a row, 100 passionate fixed gear racers signed up to race in 10-lap heats around steep wooden banks, resembling a mini Olympic cycling track, in the center of one of Brooklyn’s oldest temples.  


(Really, the "top fixed gear cyclists" were at the event?  So all the various UCI World Champions competed?  Yeah, I didn't think so.)

Wow.

I can't believe I missed it.

It's like I always say: energy drink marketing is the single greatest thing that's ever happened to cycling.*

*[Disclaimer: I never say that.]

Speaking of goofy cycling events with a veneer of irreverence, a Twitterer informs me that something called "CrowBomb" threatens to completely unravel the tasteful and subtly-patterned fabric of Canadian society:


On Thursday, a group of cyclists taking part in the annual ‘CrowBomb’ event headed down Crowchild Trail during rush hour. Though they mostly stuck to the far right lane, at some points the group of eight riders were seen weaving in and out of traffic.

Oh my god!!!  Occasional weaving!?!  So what happened?  Well, occasionally the riders went near cars:


Which made this police officer livid--or at least its Canadian equivalent, which is mildly perturbed:


“First of all it’s illegal, let’s make that perfectly clear,” says Sgt. Mike ter Kuile from the Calgary Police Service. “Crazy, I think not only crazy, but irresponsible.”

Oh, please.  They're riding bikes briskly.  "Crazy" and "irresponsible" is what you have going on about 3,500km to the east there, Dudley Douche-Right:


("Well, we eat apples to symbolize a sweet New Year, but if you prefer to substitute crack I don't see a problem with that Talmudically speaking.")

By the way, I had to use G--gle Maps to figure out how far Calgary was from Toronto and this is what I found:


Come on, you people can't even drive from one of your cities to another without going through our country?!?  No wonder our infrastructure's in such a state!  You and your tire chains are making poutine of our road surfaces!**

**[Disclaimer: I am being sarcastic, and I pray to Jesus Christ nightly for Canada to annex all the US states that border it, New York included.]

Anyway, Calgary is ready to crack down hard on these lunatic scofflaws, though by "crack down hard" I really mean the nearest Canadian equivalent, which is giving them "stunting tickets:"


(They're stunting!)

Canada is generally a more enlightened society than the United States, but one unfortunate thing we both have in common is that the mere act of riding a bicycle on a public road is considered a stunt--though check out this guy:


Move over, Martyn Ashton!  Now that's stunting!

Next, they interview drivers, and this one says the ride is "nuts!"


(Wait, are they just showing him the video?  Did he not even encounter the cyclists in real life?)

Incidentally, he says the same thing to his wive when she says she's thinking about having a second glass of wine, or that "Maybe you should wear the yellow golf shirt today instead of the red one."

Nuts, I tell you!

Not to be outdone, this driver says it's "crazy!"


(Holy shit, yeah, they're just showing them the video on a phone!  This proves that Canadian "journalists" are even lazier than their counterparts south of the border.)

You know what's crazy?  Your uncanny resemblance to a popular 1980s wrestling personality:


("Captain" Lou was in fact never a commissioned officer in the armed forces.)

Invariably, whenever it comes to covering maniac cyclists terrorizing the streets, journalists always manage to find at least one "Uncle Fred" willing to throw his fellow velocipedists under the autobus:


“That was completely over the top behaviour,” said Gary Beaton, president of the Tour de Nuit Society. “The majority of cyclists follow the rules of the road and are highly aware of their surroundings.”

Oh, save it.  Just once I'd love to hear one of these advocate types say something like, "You know what?  Sure, that ride looks kinda stupid, but maybe use a torque wrench on your sphincter because yours is seriously overtightened.  They're just bikes."

Finally, we get to meet the twisted mastermind of the ride--who, contrary to the story, is in fact so safety conscious he's wearing a helment during the interview:


“Traffic is stopped. Another car might bang into another one, that’s not going to hurt us.”

He was subsequently sentenced to life imprisonment for gloating over damage to a motor vehicle.

In other news, the Tour de France starts this coming weekend, and every year the media checks in with EPO-addled lummox Miguel Indurain, who says something mind-numbingly predictable:


Speaking to the Independent, Indurain said “It’s going to be a good fight. He [Contador] has been much more consistent this year, more focused. Both are in great shape. But let’s not forget the other rivals; if Contador and Froome get too obsessed with beating each other, another rider could surprise both of them.”

"The competitors will be riding bicycles again this year," added Indurain with his usual insight.  "Climbing will be a factor, especially in the mountains."

They say Indurain sits in front of the phone for a full three weeks before Tour time, waiting for it to ring while staring at an index card with the favorites' names on it and getting a massage from his brother, Joe Pesci:


(Indurain waiting for his annual call.)

Meanwhile, here's something else everybody already knew, which is that the French are hopeless:


All five French teams have confirmed lineups for the upcoming Tour de France, with a heavy focus on national riders and a hunt for stage wins.

It’s been a long time since a Frenchman has won the Tour — Bernard Hinault was the last in 1985 — and it looks very unlikely a Frenchman will win again this year. A top-10 is something to cheer for these days in the French peloton.

When reached for comment, five-time Tour winner Miguel Indurain added, "France is in Europe."

Lastly, if you're the "curvy girl" who visited a bike shop recently, some creepy Fred wants to ride behind you while sporting a boner:


To the curvy girl at strictly bikes on a cannondale - m4w - 40
age : 40

I overheard you say you liked my kit- I had noticed you right away 

I saw you at strictly with the pinkish top and I loved your curves. I them saw you again at the bridge and riverside...
I wish I had been bold and walked up to you.
If you are interested in riding with a funny, good looking bike boy- who you make horny(you looked gorgeous)- email me and tell me what my kit looked like: would love to meet and at least have the opportunity to introduce myself.

I hope you had a great ride.

He wants her to tell him what his kit looked like?  Let me guess: it was either full Rapha straining against his increasing girth, or else the very latest in Cat 4 CRCA sub-team chic.

I'm surprised he didn't invite her up to his KuKu Penthouse.

113 comments:

Anonymous said...

again with the podiation yo.

CommentatorBot9000 said...

2cd? ish?

Morning Machine Fred said...

Podium?

Anonymous said...

My hovercraft is full of eels.

Anonymous said...

Damn. missed the podium.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...crack of dawn

Anonymous said...

As far from the podium as the US track cycling team.

Yeah Cleveland! said...

On yesterday's Fred ride a guy was pulled over by the cops for being too far out in the lane. The cop then insisted we should be riding on the other side of the road, towards the oncoming traffic. Was he that stupid or did he want us to get hit?

Anonymous said...

Decimated?

jodphoto said...

#10

This is as close to the podium as I may ever get. Too far away from the bar.

Buffalo Bill said...

I just want to say for the record that Gary Beaton is a dick. That is all.

Buffalo Bill said...

Also, Crowbomb!

ce said...

I've gotta admit, those crow bombing stuntsters rile me up. If I was a Canadian, I'd be looking for a ditch to politely direct them towards and ask them if they wouldn't mind entering said ditch on their bicycles for a little while, eh?

Hey McFly, glad to here you welded the kids trampoline back together. I on the other hand spent the best part of the day counting wallaby shit, seriously. Meanwhile my boys first fix-er-up bike sits in pieces on the garage floor. Actually, it's an old scooter my Grandpa repaired years ago for my brothers, as if we were still living in the great depression or something. It's nice to keep my grandpa's love for fixing things alive though.

ce said...

Sorry, "Great Depression" with capitals, because it was really, really great.

McFly said...

Through sheer subliminal hypnosis I am craving a pair of those black lace-up pedalin' kicks. Stahp it you f--ker you.

Anonymous said...

Toppus XX??

jodphoto said...

"we've all returned to our default mode of not giving a fuck"

Snob, we know you care. You make that little face.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lqgTWQwm3aM/UKmyM0Kr4QI/AAAAAAAAjTw/wM7GX0h1RPA/s220/RTMSapprove.jpeg

LatinBot9000 said...

Not "Toppus XX" but "summus XX" or even better "decem".

Not write it et unum centum

Pre-recorded comment said...

Ha ha, very funny post, etc.. Scranus.

Eat a Peach said...

Dude that won the VD comp. looks like Duane Allman, if Duane Allman was a dork, which he wasn't.

Anonymous said...

What cunning stunts!

Dave said...

Early to bed and early to rise
helps a man don his douchebag disguise...

I'll just sit here next to the phone... I'm sure they'll come to their senses any minute now...

mikeweb said...

Robs Fords are back from rehab. Expect a spike in crack prices as the the supply-demand curve is readjusted

Bama Phred said...

I was so hoping CrowBomb would be crows pecking Robs Fords whilst he staggered naked down Toronto streets in a purple haze.

crosspalms said...

I especially enjoyed the aerial footage of Crowbomb.

leroy said...

Yesterday, I kept running into a young lady who was noodling around the same hills I was a little west of Piermont and Nyack.

On the way home, I bumped into her again and we drafted each other from Piermont to a couple of miles south of Alpine where I just couldn't hang on.

Later, I stopped at Strictly Bicycles and bumped into her again.

She recognized me first and introduced herself.

My pride was somewhat assuaged by the fact that I'm probably 25 years older than her. And she had a nice bike.

Bama Phred said...

So how did she react to the dog chanting the Mad Dog Maddox rap?

leroy's dog said...

Bama Phred --

My dog always plays innocent when others are around.

And anyway, he dropped me long before I headed home.

He was at Strictly Bicycles watching the soccer game and trying to buy Assos summer gloves with my credit card. You know how much those things cost?

I only stopped in for something cold to drink before crossing the GWB.

Roille Figners said...

Look at how Fords are looking at the Rabbi. Nonplussed if not downright suspicious.

CommieCanuck said...

I live in Canada because a bunch of idiots on bikes is the only news worthy thing to happen that uses terms like "insane" and "nuts"... at least until Rob gets back in office today.

In other news, Canaduh made spam email illegal starting tomorrow. I'm sure this will work as well as drug and prostitution laws.

Anonymous said...

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/vic/4462400187.html

Anonymous said...

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/vic/4462400187.html

Anonymous said...

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/vic/4462400187.html

CommieCanuck said...

Look at how Fords are looking at the Rabbi. Nonplussed if not downright suspicious.

Robs is the Borat of Canada. He was probably worried if he ate that, he would shapeshift like a Jew. I'm sure he ate it anyway. Free foods.

Roille Figners said...

TLET BIKE
NOBR AKES
ONMY ANUS

dnk said...

Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

What did Voltaire say about the Holy Roman Empire?

Bama Phred said...

There is something so familiar about the Dog's comments.
Consider this exchange yesterday with Ms Phred, a friend, and me.
Friend: at least you had good care for your recent recovery
Me: That would have been nice
Ms Phred: I don't do whiners.

Anonymous said...

Wow Early Bird !

vsk

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...leroy's dog is pretending to be Leroy... unless leroy's dog has a dog, too. which is entirely possible.

GeographicBot9000 said...

"Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

What did Voltaire say about the Holy Roman Empire??


I understand the non Royal, Mounted and Police part. But how can they be non Canadian? If not Canadian than what?

CommieCanuck said...

The trademark red mountie outfit and stupid hats was actually sold to to Disney a decade ago.

Surprised they are not the Royal Mickey Mounted police.

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leroy said...

Well that's odd. My comment appeared under my dog's Google Account.

Hope he hasn't been commenting on WADA's site and asking them if they have Prince Alberto in a can.

ken e. said...

monday.

DB said...

Leroy, 12:24, Comment of the Day.

DB said...

Sleep-Working today. Weather radio went off every hour last night. Tornado warnings, flash flood warnings, severe thunderstorm warnings. End of Times.

gE said...

These are the words that strike sleep in the hearts of me.

You have hearts?

Do you have anything that pairs well with fava beans?


Seeing all that Calgarian Chic just makes my Canadian hearts well up with pride.

babble on said...

Wha...? Again? I'm sensing a hella early Monday morning pattern here.

mmm mounted... mmm. :)

Regular guy said...

Hey, c'mon, that heel wagging video is almost as good as this and if you can't see the appeal of this, you're either a prude or you're lying.

Roille Figners said...

You know what else, if you don't say it's NUTS, you're not getting on TV. I've been interviewed for syringe-in-the-Coke-can scares and e-coli outbreaks, and both times I said something boring & sensible to the effect of, now that everybody knows about it and the barn door has been firmly slammed shut, you are probably safer than ever. Not panicky & sensationalist enough apparently, because each reporter gave me a blank and disappointed look, and I didn't get on the news!

Not like this guy.

Anonymous said...

It's no heel but it is hypnotic.

Spellchecker said...

I believe the singular of wives is spelled wife. Unless you just left the s off wives?

Bama Phred said...

If we have to endure Indurain's insightful commentary I would rather they hire Sir Cuntingdon for the color guy.

gE said...

Roille, the original of that interview was awesome. Plus no autotune singing. Both were hilarious though. Now I know how to get on the news - or better yet, how to stay out of it.

Freddy Murcks said...

Captain Lou Albano FOREVAH!!

P. Bateman said...

with me, Stuntin' is a habit. and you can too:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LPz7LCybSNk

RoadQueen said...

'Cause that's how we roll.

Anonymous said...

gotta disagree on the crow bombing douchebags, they have that nice wide dedicated bike lane and for fun they have to ride into traffic? seems like pretty much an asshole move.

ConsistencyBot9000 said...

Snob;

How come Crow Bombing is no big deal but Critical Mass was bad?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...it's very appropriate that the fixed gear competition was held in a temple instead of a velodrome, and on a miniature track... much more like a cult that way... a cult sponsored by an energy drink.

McFly said...

That curvy girl probably feels all special. I bet she has never been offered any Vitamin D from a stranger before. Cause' curvy girls never get random invites for improptu Hot Beef Injections. Ever.

Roille Figners said...

Ha, I was thinking the same thing, plus I'm sure she gets enough offers from guys who actually have the nerve to talk to her!

Spokey said...

I go out to that veeleodrone out by snobbies favorite mag about once a year. It's fun.

And you can buy beer.

and mag staffers show up once in awhile so you can rag on them about how worthless their fredzine really is.

Lots of fun for all. hardly a sleeper


Bama Phred said...

Ride bike share, die. . It never ends

babble on said...

I was riding Bea bike in heels, still wearing my sling, when a kitted up Fred on his plastic chariot rode past. "Wow! That's impressive!" he said. "Will you marry me?"

His knees were alternately bent, n'all, but I just couldn't take him seriously.

I always appreciate when a man has the nerve to be straight up about things.

Dooth said...

In Pamplona, Spain, aside from the Running of the Bulls, there's also the Raging of the Bull in honor of native son Miguel Indurain.

backslider said...

Some of youse from the yarmulke of the Americas can please esplain if it really is illegal, or is it the usual illegal how dare they ride in a lane for vehicles despite the fact they are recognized as a vehicle in the law.

Do they have a critical mass ride in that area?

More Rob Fords or I'm gonna end up inna deeaitch. Save me Wildcat Rockmanstien! You're my last hope!

Frodo said...

Babs, perhaps if his marriage proposal had a nice ring to it...

Buffalo Bill said...

Sorry anon @ 3:14, there is no bike lane on Crowchild. What you see is an HOV lane marker, for buses and such.

For those unfamiliar with the pickup truck capital of Canada, otherwise known as Calgary, Crowchild Tr. is the six lane hyperfreeway that doubles as a parking lot for a couple of hours every workday. Definitely not a bike route.

Raven Lunatic said...

I think the Crow Bombers are serving a worthy caws.

gE said...

... 100 of the top fixed gear cyclists ...

It's a play on words to lead you to believe it's a UCI event. Most elite track cyclists probably wouldn't refer to themselves with the words fixed gear cyclists . Top fixed gear cyclists is code for fakengers.

Having said that. I did attend a Red Bull Mini Drome event once. I was the oldentard with no fashion sense. Still, it gave me a strange urge to start writing a blog.

gE said...

Buffalo Bill, In Vancouver, some of our bus lanes double as bike lanes, because, you know, having a bus bearing down on you is a very comforting experience. Can't understand why hardly anyone rides on them.

Raven Raven said...

I hate crows.

Spokey said...

I can't believe snobbie would defame one of mericers gratest mericans. Although not commissioned, Lou was in fact a Captain.

Ya know snobbie, there is some limit to laziness. A mere glance at weakiepodia would have shown you Captain Lou was in fact a former captain.

Not just for mericans, the world lost a great leader in Capt Lou in 2009.

Roille Figners said...

Is it even necessary, to post this?

Spokey said...

roille

congrats on the 3/4 century podia




robot is just in it for the rovertyo money

Roille Figners said...

Thanks, and congrats on the patriotic anniversary podio?

IT'S JUST NUTS I TELL YOU

Semi-oldentard said...

What, you mean he's not actually Cyndi Lauper's dad?

Spokey said...

before I forget

Happy Oh Canada day to sling girl, commie, and all the rest of you up at the north pole.

DB said...

Crosspalms: hope you didn't ride today. We've been without power for two hours. 60 mph winds. If you have a tailwind, you'll be home in a minute.

DB said...

Babs! Are you engaged? We have to check this guy out to make sure he's good enough for you.
Of course, we'll throw a bachelorette party for you with guns, hookers, fireworks and firetrucks.

DB said...

Babs: are you engaged? We have to check this Fred out to make sure he's good enough for you.
We'll throw you a party with guns, fireworks, hookers and fire trucks.

DB said...

Sorry about the double. Wi-Fi screwed up with the storm.

gE said...

DB - "A kitted up Fred", yup, with that description, she's obviously smitten.

DB said...

I know gE. We need to take care of our own. Babs is still on strong meds, she may not be able to make good decisions yet. Big Brother time.

Spokey said...

Given Babs normal decision making abilities maybe the drugs send her full circle and she is a decision making Einstein under drugs


Let's not be ociesis unkind to Babs in her condition

McFly said...

"Kitted out Fred" is pretty redundant. Like "Doping pro cyclist. "

babble on said...

LOL!! What a hoot! What would I do without the lot of you? :D

It's true.. that proposal just didn't have the right ring to it.

Thank goodness this particular condition is a lot less permanent than getting preggers is!

Cheers, Spokey. Y'know, I was sure hoping to make it up to wreck to get nekkid for all of those Canada Day celebrations. Wish me luck. xo

BamaPhred said...

Sweatosarous checking in for sprint. Adjusting shorts for least sranular effect.

BamaPhred said...

Sranular is scranular's more aerodynamic illegitimate offspring.

Spokey said...

scranus get set

ken e. said...

"i'm not in love with television..."

Spokey said...

think I'll go with a Woodford Reserve hydration pack tonight



give and ye shall receive goustio

gE said...

Friends don't let friends marry Freds. Well, not without the mandatory waiting period.

Spokey said...

gentlemen (& gentlewomen) start your pedals

ken e. said...

"i'm not in love with the radio"

BFB said...

There's a bunch of you out there with one hand on the CTRL+v and another on the mouse click, aren't there?

Spokey said...

huh?

shifting to sprinting ring

Spokey said...

settling in on the 11 cog

Spokey said...

does he get the century yeller again?

BFB said...

You do. I was envisioning a dozen folks ready to cut-n-paste and post away to victory. Looks like the late left coast sprints are pretty sparse.

Spokey said...

101

Spokey said...

103 then

I'm east in snobbies armpit

David Pearce said...

Dear Wildcat,

You say you are a "noted douchebag".

That is not fair and way too humble. You shouldn't run yourself down and say that about yourself! You're a good person!

Who says you are noted?

David,
Washington, D.C.

ce said...

Roille Figners & gE, you could learn a thing or two from this guy

Curvy Girl said...

I also have a pinkish bottom.

David Pearce said...

Dear Slob,

Your better bring your SnobBombing A-game today, the beginning of the second half of the year and the inevitable slide into the icy grip of winter and snow melt crap all over our windshields and running out of windshield washer fluid.....

Or I plan to be quite irked!

dancesonpedals said...

I'm psyched for canada day...maybe I'll go visit robs fords in toronto & drink canada dry

Anonymous said...

Personally, I'm getting really excited about the upcoming TdF...castles, podium girls, guys on drugs. What's not to like?

Anonymous said...

"Incidentally, he says the same thing to his wive when she says she's thinking about having a second glass of wine,....."


indeed

JLRB said...

Does Park Tools make a sphincter torque wrench adapter?

Anonymous said...

The only riling I thought of in Crow bombing, was the Jack in the black SUV who tried driving the cyclist off the last bridge of the "watch the whole event from the air" video.

Although, I have to wonder why all those people would be afraid to have cyclists on a road called "Trail." Isn't that where all cyclists are supposed to be?

Anonymous said...

Bicycles an legally use HOV lanes on Crowfoot or anywhere.