Monday, June 9, 2014

A Fred Too Far


(Farewell to the People's Poet.)

I believe strongly that we should encourage as many people as possible to ride bicycles...

..for transportation.

I do not, however, believe that we should encourage people to ride bikes recreationally.  If anything, there are too many of us already, and I'd even go so far as to say that we may have reached "Peak Fred."*  It's difficult to pinpoint when exactly this occurred, but I suspect it was when the bike companies added yet another marketing segment by moving the cable stops on their cyclocross bikes ever so slightly and renaming them "gravel bikes."

*[In this case I am using the term "Fred" to include any over-enthusiastic bike dork, regardless of gender or preferred riding style.  If at any point over the past weekend you blathered on about your bicycle or your ride to someone who clearly doesn't give a shit (i.e. pretty much everyone else in your life), then you are a Fred under this definition, regardless of the width of your tires or the nature of the terrain you delude yourself into thinking you "conquered."]

Not that it matters.  When we reached Peak Fred, how we reached it, and why we reached it is immaterial.  All that's important is that it's happening.  If you don't believe me, just go to your local greenway, rail-trail, or recreational path and watch the Fred-studded clusterfucktacular that ensues.  Or, better yet, next time you suit up for a ride, clomp over to a full-length mirror and take a good look at yourself before you leave the house.  What do you see?  Ridiculous clown shoes?  A helment shaped like a motorcycle gas tank?  Stubbly legs sticking out of threadbare Lycra man-Spanx?  A backpack with what appears to be an enema tube dangling from it?  A jersey proclaming you to be the Swiss National Champion, even though you're a dentist from Milwaukee?

Now let the shame wash over you for a few minutes, and then ask yourself honestly:

Does the world really need more of you?

No, it does not.

By the way, I can assure you I'm also indicting myself here, which is why I keep all the mirrors in my home covered at all times, like I'm sitting shiva.  In fact, I haven't seen myself in cycling clothing since the late 20th century, when I gazed lovingly at myself for two and a half hours after receiving my Cat 3 upgrade in the mail from USA Cycling.  Placing that tiny "3" sticker over the "4" on my racing license was the proudest moment of my life, and I've been living in a very necessary state of denial ever since--though the truth occasionally taunts me when I put on an old racing jersey and the zipper opens from the bottom while I'm climbing due to my distended middle-aged vodka gut.


(I wish I looked this good.)

Nevertheless, I pedal on, and this past weekend I did all my recreational cycling astride this bicycle:


(The most impractical bike I own is also the most fun to ride.  Funny how that works.)

Before we go any further, let's get something out of the way, because it happens every time I post a picture of a mountain bike: do not tell me to "get a suspension fork."  Telling me to "get a suspension fork" is like me telling someone in Cincinnati to "get a MetroCard" because I use one to ride the New York City subway.  For some reason, Mountain Freds love to tell you to "get a suspension fork," just like the fixie dorks used to tell you to "get a fixed-gear"--though even they have stopped this behavior, having since given up on fixed-gear bikes themselves and moved on to gravel bikes.  Even a tridork knows better than to look at your road bike and then tell you to "get some aerobars," so it's only really the Mountain Freds engaging in this behavior at this point.  Anyway, it's especially annoying because I already have a suspension fork, and at the moment it's in my storage closet along with all the other things I'm glad to own but were completely unnecessary this past weekend, like my winter coat and my Christmas tree ornaments.  

And don't tell me to get a kayak trailer, either--or a kayak, for that matter:



So basically this is a kayak trailer that transforms into a bike rack for your kayak, which does seem a bit more practical than the pontoons employed by the one and only "Water Fred," aka "Fred of the Sea:"



As for the inventor of the kayak trailer, he states that the inspiration for it was his intense desire to squeeze in a quick paddle after work, an impulse that is decidedly Fredly.  See, normal people simply relax after work, and people who have transcended Fredliness either head out early in the morning before work--or, more often, are simply unemployed.  Therefore, this guy is clearly a total Fred, though whether he's a Bicycle Fred or a Kayak Fred is open to debate.  In any case, if saving time is paramount for him, he should probably have cut out the middleman and designed an amphibious bicycle kayak along these lines:



Granted, this is less an amphibious kayak then it is a recumbent land-sea dinghy, but I'm sure the Kayak Fred could find a way to make it more kayak-like.

Meanwhile, it pro cycling news, it's Dauphiné time, and if you're new to the sport of cycling the Dauphiné is where all the Tour de France favorites test out their drugs before the main event:


(Sweet Lob, the Dauphiné winners list is like the Traveling Wilburys of dopers!)

I won't tell you who's leading the race now, because: A) it's like totally uncool to publish "spoilers;" and 2) I'm not paying attention.  As you've probably heard by now though, Bradley Wiggins has been snubbed by Team Sky for this year's Big Fat Boucle:


Wiggins will ride the Tour de Suisse instead of the Dauphiné, but regardless of how he performs there, he explained that he will not be at the Tour de France so long as Froome is fit and present.

“If he crashes there, there’d still be a chance I could come into the team,” Wiggins said.

I wouldn't be surprised if Froome were to "meet with an accident" at the Dauphiné, though if that doesn't happen the silver lining in all of this is that Wiggins will be able to focus on his music career:


It shouldn't be long before his cover band "Today I Am A Mod" is rocking Bar Mitzvahs near you.

Lastly, via Twitter, an unfortunate cyclist has been doored by a porta-potty:


According to the victims and a witness, a 52-year-old Chesterton man was riding his bicycle on the sidewalk, passing a portable restroom at the same time a 68-year-old Pleasant Township man was exiting the restroom.

The man on the bike collided with the potty door, throwing the Pleasant Township man back into the restroom, causing him to cut his elbow. The collision caused the Chesterton man to fall off his bike and strike his head on the concrete sidewalk.

No mention of whether the cyclists was wearing a helment, or of whether the porta-potty occupant was employing an "ass gasket."

140 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi

mikeweb said...

Podium?

Chad Ford said...

Pedastool?

Anonymous said...

smoke weed everyday

Roille Figners said...

Whudup nagguz.

Flyover BC said...

top ten

Rik said...

Hands up, who likes me?

cervicalgia said...

I am Fred. There I admit it, despite the sagely advice to "Never go full retard"

shining trapezoid said...

top 10?

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

i've used ass gaskets...

...they don't work

Marcel Da Chump said...

Result void

Buffalo Bill said...

Kayak fred has a nice design there. Could use an ass gasket though.

JLRB said...

That bike kayak trailer dude needs to get a front suspension.

Anonymous said...

That Kayak/Bike portageur reminds of the guy who drives his pickup- with the kayak on top-to the train station. He parks and then takes his folding bike out of the back, and rides the 250 ft to the train platform. After an hour ride, he gets off the train and rides the two blocks to the office.

I'm sure it saves him as much as four minutes a day. But really, who's that lazy.

grog said...

Recumbabe should be riding the recumbent land-sea dinghy thingy.

Make it happen!
MORE BABE
ASSG SKET

balls™ said...

Holy goofy tiller effect, batman! Kayak Fred has a shity kayak. I think that's his real problem. It's the balloon-tire beach cruiser of kayaks. In fact, I think it may even be a tandem kayak with the seat slid forward. Then, he straps a shity bike to it and it works even worse in the water.

I must be a kayak Fred.

Anonymous said...

"where all the Tour de France favorites test out their drugs before the main event"

Bronze, Silver, and GOLD, Snobby!

What's an ass-gasket?

dancesonpedals said...

If I wasn't a fred, would I be reading this blog?

ps: You could be the first to own a non-suspension ss mtb with aero bars...just sayin

crosspalms said...

For my Kayakstarter project, I -- oh, never mind.

Paul Bowen said...

I always think it's funny that there's a bike race named after the only potato dish more fattening than chips.

Roille Figners said...

Snobz - Get a suspension fork.

ubercurmudgeon said...

That's entertaintment?

jonathan said...

Getting doored by a porta-potty is no joke. In my city's main park, there is a picnic area with a porta-potty. Problem is the picnic area is on one of side of the path, potty on the other, precisely at the edge. Door swings open, anybody in "their lane" goes down. Shitty.

Perry said...

My excuse is that I missed the podium because I was catching up on Friday's quiz, but the reality is that I simply don't give a shit. I do, however, like the Robot Captcha thingamabobs that include nonsense words.



aldhera rankling

greyspoke said...

Thanks for reminding me to replace my ass gasket.

James said...

Welcome to Fred Anonymous. My name is James and I am a recovering Fred. I had a Replica Team postal Yellow jersey. I redirected all verbal and electronic conversations I was involved in to something relating to bikes. I cerimoniously showed off all my new parts I bought. I tracked the Grand tours day by day with results and map on my outside my office door for all to see.
That was rock bottom. I saw my friends roll their eyes and co-workers patronize me asking about the races. It took me years to realize bicycle racing is as real as professionl wrestling and you can still ride bikes but keep your friends by being introverted about it. You too can save yourselves. Find your local FA chapter and get the help you need.

Anonymous said...

Back when I had a kayak I wanted to build one of those trailers from the frame of a children's trailer. But I didn't have any power tools so that idea tanked pretty quickly.

Anonymous said...

WHAT is GOING ON BRO!!!! ME? I BEEN CHILLEN!

A sus fork! LOL The frame aint suspension correct BRO! Some pple don't know what they talking about.

Whats up w the S tires :\????
WHY BRO? X REAL? They are not even good.

Levers look better now, 4 what is worth ;P

Moi,

-MTBSNOBNYC


leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
McFly said...

As hard as he hit that guy in the porta potty I still wager that he did not KNOCK THE SHIT OUT OF HIM.

MWEB is in the house.

leroy said...

Forget the suspension fork.

My dog assures me all the cool kids are using runcible spoons.

The one he sold me uses cork for added comfort and safety: runcible spork.

CommentatorBot9000 said...

Good one today. (Not that these post are bad other daus.)

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:22pm,

I really have to stop mentioning mountain bikes on this blog, for some reason they bring out the idiots.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Dr. Feelgood said...

A Young Ones reference?! Always the sign of a good blog!
By the way, I always liked Vivian's poem better: "Corn Flakes, Corn Flakes, Corn Flakes...."
Peace, love and vegetable rights!

Bryan said...

Never will I ever be as fredly as getting a team kit. The only "full kit" I have is from my LBS 'cuz they gave it to me at cost, then 3 weeks later I found myself with a part time job there on the weekends. Conspiracy?
Anyway, sorry but I am adding my wife to the growing list of fredettes. She has her first road bike and before you know it she will be out with the best Cat 6 racers.

Man Of Straw said...

Yep RIP Rik.



Less importantly, on the subject of unwanted suggestions, people who bang on about panniers can cock right off too.

Vernal Magina said...

Petrol, all around... Sometimes up, sometimes down...

:'(

Vernal Magina said...

Not petrol, pollution. whatevs.

Gentile said...

Is the ass-gasket something you folks use when sitting shiva?

dancesonpedals said...

anon at 1:22 brings up an excellent point...was it 4 o'clock when you adjusted the levers?

BikeSnobNYC said...

dances on pedals,

Anon at 1:22pm should note that the brake levers have been in the exact same place as long as I've had the bicycle, so I can only assume the medication he's now taking is helping.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

DB said...

Traveling Wilbury's.
Love them.

Herschel Raney said...

If nothing else, BSNYC has taught me to never even consider posting a picture of my bike online.

It is raining here for the 8th or 9th day in a row. Riding seems distantly in the past, mountain tires or not.

Who can like anything about Team Sky? Jeesh. They am damn annoying.

Hope you're having a good pain day Babs. Or a decreased pain day.

I expected a comment about Portland's recurrently annoying Naked Bike ride. The video news coverage alone is fairly skeery.

And, as always, fook that robot test.

1904 Cadardi said...

Wildcat,

It's not that your mention of mountaining bikecycles brings out the idiots. It just brings out new and more unusual idiots. And that MTBSNOB seems pretty unusual.

As for me, whenever I see myself in full-Fred (garish stretchy clothes, clicky shoes, punctured gas tank on my head) I think, "God I'm a dork. Eh, it's the most comfy for what bike related silliness lies ahead." Then I change clothes when the bikecycling is over.

So here goes. Hi, my Name/URL is 1904 Cadardi and I'm a Fred.

Roille Figners said...

Leroy: Nobody runces a spoon like Steve Martin. You can bet when he's done, that shit been RUNCED!

3G said...

Is the fork leaning up against the Faggin?

3G said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bama Phred said...

Amen to the rain. Every day those thunderstorms pop up and stretch from Arkansas to Alabama and keep it up till the sun goes down I don't mind riding in the rain, what I do mind is slipping on the wet pavement. My entire bikeen revolves around keeping the rubber side down. See, Snob just confirmed my fredliness of blathering on about my "ride".

gE said...

Yeah, definitely need aerobars on that MTB. Terminology tip: once you attach them to an MTB, they become armrests.

CommentatorBot9000 said...

OK so we now have the BIKESNOBNYC/WCRM/RTMS definition of a Fred. What is the definition of a person in street clothes, riding a bike that cost less than a Fred wheel set costs, to school/work/the store etc, who only talks about the bike when asked?

BikeSnobNYC said...

CommentatorBot9000,

You don't really need a word for someone like that, since they're just regular people, but I suppose the opposite of a Fred would be a Derf...

--Wildcat Rock Machine

BikeSnobNYC said...

3G,

Pretty much!

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Roille Figners said...

How about "a Dutchman."

Anonymous said...

BRO at 1:51 PM....

What are you taking about!?!?

...."should note that the brake levers have been in the exact same place as long as I've had the bicycle"

YOU USED TO SHRED AT 4 BRO!!!

I can prove it!!!!

Why did you change?


HERE IS A PHOTO of YOUR RIDE shredding at 4!!!
http://www.bicycling.com/news/featured-stories/one-i-want?page=0,1

Don't worry about the idiot telling you about the sups fork BRO, they just don't know any better!!!


-MTBSNOBNYC



BikeSnobNYC said...

BRO at 1:51pm,

1) That photo was taken by the builder before I picked up the bicycle;

2) You have a frightening obsession with brake lever positioning--mine in particular.

If I ditch the levers altogether and switch to a coaster brake will you go away forever?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

JLRB said...

+1 on we don't need any more recreational cyclists

I made 2 mistakes yesterday - 1. I went to work on a Sunday; 2. I rode along a popular MUP for part of the way there. Completely different experience - I'll take Cat 6 over swerving 3 abreast (2 is more than sufficient breasts) Fred-like creatures any day.

And yes, I am a hopeless Fred. I can't heppit! The warm weather sucked me back into commuting in clicky clown shoes and stretchy, awkwardly revealing clothes. But, it's better than 98 percent humidity in the crotch region...

Must be the season of the Freeeed

Anonymous said...

I am also a recovering Fred. I do wear a local shop's kit because unbranded lycra is just too whitebread. But at least I have never, ever worn kit into the office because I remember how ridiculous the Freds looked to me before I became one. And c'mon! mooseknuckle in a place of business?

Hail commuters.

Regular guy said...

Speaking of Fred-pocalypse, I haven't raced mountain bikes in a long time. My son is getting in to it now and last week we went to a race. It had rained a little overnight and was sprinkling on and off on race morning.

In other words, the course was muddy and a bit slippery. No problem for the kid, he had a great time.

Back in the day, we reveled in a good muddy mountain bike race.

A few days after the race, I checked the results online to find a bunch of people complaining that the race hadn't been cancelled due to weather.

Blah blah, it was too muddy...I slipped and fell...I broke my derailleur...the course was damaged...I had to clean mud off my bike...

I used to like mountain bike races because the people seemed to be up for a good time and willing to take things as they are.

Now? Whining.

Anonymous said...

Regular BRO above...

THE XC courses now day are not like they used to be... unless u live in florida or somewhere Flat BRO!

Courses NOW are VERY TECHNICAL and it is better not have amateur races when things get slippery BRO!!!

-MTBSNOBNYC

babble on said...

You see?! I'm so good at doing drugs, I really was meant to be a pro. Today we're calling it medication, though, so I didn't sprint for the podium.

OMG I learned a new phrase today, and I really need to use it. Let's see. Vancouber in the sunshine is a fred studded clusterfucktacular place!

Sniff. And no, the world definitely doesn't need ANY more people like me.

Mr Raney - Thank you. :) It's a brutal injury, but every day gets a little better here at brokeNscene

babble on said...

LOL! Vancouber. Uber Bancouber.

Anonymous said...

BRO@151:
Hahaha
!!! FFS!!!

NO COASER ON YOUR FRAME!!

U wanna go all BOMBER style with coaster brakes U need to get another frame! Like an old Schwinn!

BTW, U need to be CRAZY BADASS to handle such a ride BRO!!!

-MTBSNOBNYC




Fred said...

I turned 50 this year and bought a fucking plastic BMC with electromatronic shifting.

I have officially become Fred, and had zero control in stopping it.

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, mtb freds are almost worse than road freds. Yakking away on their cellphones at the trailhead. Sneering at anyone not wearing full sleeve baggy dh-style jerseys. Gray balls who think they own the trail and everything about mtb.

You know this Fredly kind of MTBer: Would never, ever dream of riding a bike without 2-inch knobbies. Ever!!

(Also, can't hang on rides longer than 90 minutes. Sorry mtbers, it's true. Could also say that about a lot of roadies too, and sweet lob we know how annoying roadies are.)

Spokey said...

kept trying to figure out what made that trailer solar powered. Then I took the link to find it was solo.

1 - maybe i need to clean the wax out of my ears

2 - maybe everyone except we scranusvillites speak with unintelligible accents

3 - maybe babs led me astray and I should have had a diet coke and vodka last night instead of that scotch & soda.





179. 179 I tell you. 179 and don't tell the captain.


James said...

Derf? isn't that the number between 5 and 6?

captcha says "eliasti among" us. I hope they are nice.

Spokey said...

snobby is out in force in the comments section today.

Good thing I stopped bitchin about the quiz else I'd be on the wack list.

even roille is layin a little low today. smart move

babble on said...

Oh Spokey, come on. Admit it: you liked it.

babble on said...

The scotch, that is.

I'm really good at leading people astray. :)

jodphoto said...

Doored by a PortaPoddy?

Clearly the rider was buzzing the hut for a quick sniff when the occupant flung the door open for a gulp of breathable air.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 3:14pm,

The courses are not like they used to be? Are you suggesting your own mountain bike racing experience dates back to prehistoric times, before the region's ridges and other defining geological features were formed?

--Wildcat Rock Machines

Spokey said...

yep. understood. Love scotch. just can't afford to be a full fledged akly on that stuff.

Instead of a kickstarter for bicycle kayak trailer how about a kickstarter for bicycle porta-potty trailer? Maybe make cash on the side riding sweep on grand fondos?



you can keep your vascongy from to yourself thankyou

gE said...

Snob, you should totes rock/run/rub/palp a coaster brake! If that doesn't work out, don't post any more photos of your MTB. Please.

(note to self: under no circumstances post photos of my bike. Ever.)

Spokey said...

I rode to the bagel garden yesterday to get bus tickets for spousy. But then I rode another 12 miles out of my way instead of coming straight home.

Does that count as transportation? Or fredly recreation?

How about if I had been towing my kickstarter johnny-on-the-spot?



Just something to consider gsrigus

Anonymous said...

James,

You are either way too young to be reading this blog, or you are too old to be watching iCarly.

Shame on me for knowing the reference.

Only one person telling Snob to get a suspension fork? Make it 2 - "get a suspension fork!"

babble on said...

Fuck. I'm an annoying kayak Fred, too! Bicycle trailer Fred does have an unusually sad specimen of a kayak. Whether his trailer will work on any other kayak out there is a good question., but even if it did, it's not the best idea, cause it makes the boat very back-heavy, and impossible to properly maneuver. Plus, it would make an eskimo roll impossible, and not only because it attaches where the skirt is meant to go.

James said...

@anon 3:49
Kids. Sometimes you can't help watching what your kids watch.

P. Bateman said...

hey Snobberdodger, weren't you supposed to be going out to Colorado (or Coloradical...) recently? for an event or something and you were going to do some mountain bikin'? (by the way, i think a fork should would help soak up some of the front end chatter).

how'd that go? or has it not went yet?

i still think you need to come down to florida at some point. you always snub (or should i say...snob) the southeast.

Anonymous said...


HahHahaha!! BRO, Are U Serious????
Or U Talking about the new DH-RED BULL Scene?
I am not into that, that is not MTB!

All courses are at least 40% pre-built nowadays bro!
If u ever raced old school U know what I am talking about bro! Long climbs! Rocks Roots and Drops as they came!

In the past 5 years the courses are more and more BUILT w fake obstacles! LOOK at the london olympics bro! U KILL yourself on the rock gardens bro!!!

OLD SCHOOL U RIDE UR BIKE ANYWHERE!
I used to go to bear mountain all the times, no fake trails...

BRO, let me ask you... Have U ever been to BLUE?
When it ws called NIRVANA??? BRO!!! Now tell me if it is the same trail as today BRO!!!!

DUDES BEEN BUILDING TRAILS FOR THE PAST 40 YEARS!!~!!

BUT A REAL BIKER only rides wild trails bro!!! THERE ARE IN NYC AREA AS WELL... FEW KNOW ABOUT IT AND U ONLY KNOW IF U ARE THE WHO'S WHO'S...

-MTBSNOBNYC

Anonymous said...

@ LOW LIFES!!!!!

STOP SAYING HE NEED TO GET A SUS FORK!!!
U Look like FOOLS!!!!

GOOGLE THIS:
"Non-suspension corrected frame"


-MTBSNOBNYC

dancesonpedals said...

I don't know about MTB freds, but I always ride with a 2 inch nobby. I think it's the vibration.

yurepsh policy

Comment deleted said...

Dude BRO,

You are so tedious, I just scooped out both of my eyes and crawled into the vagina of a Blue Whale, just to escape your posts.

CommieCanuck said...

According to the victims and a witness, a 52-year-old Chesterton man was riding his bicycle on the sidewalk, passing a portable restroom at the same time a 68-year-old Pleasant Township man was exiting the restroom.

..and then the shit hit the fan.

Fred von Fredstein said...

Whilst riding on a recreational bicycle, is it acceptable to record one's Strava time?

babble on said...

Strava?! You kidding?! Of course! What is Strava if not inherently Fredly?

dancesonpedals said...

and mtb dealers are just as bad as roadie dealers..when I looked at an mtb, my local shop told me I needed dual suspension for all the gnarly trails in our neighborhood (bluemountain reservation& graham hills park)

I bought a hardtail motobecane on line for a few hundred bucks & I just walk when it's too hard to ride

Roille Figners said...

BRO I used to shred the GNAR-GNAR back before the WHITE MAN BRO! WAKAN-TANKA ASHTE A YE-ALOH!

BUT BRO!! Now I just go ride for a little while (WEAK) and then go to the pub and shred a plate of FISH & CHIPS BRO!

SOMETIMES THEY'LL GIVE YOU A GARNISH LIKE PARSLEY OR LEMONS IN WHICH CASE I'LL TOTALLY SHRED SOME GNAR-GNAR GARN-GARN!

crosspalms said...

Wow, a lower-case bro with only one exclamation point. You're losing your touch.

And that's the days ifomize

drancesonpedals said...

"Plus, it would make an eskimo roll impossible, and not only because it attaches where the skirt is meant to go"

is an eskimo roll something dirty they do in canada?

Roille Figners said...

PS: BRO!!!

crosspalms said...

Not you, Roille, BROsnob up there.

dancesonpedals said...

oops, mine was shiny

actually the 700 HT for 500 bucks

balls™ said...

babble-
Look at it this way, a little kayak fred-ing will be good therapy for that shoulder, once it heals.

Ouch. Speedy recovery...

BikeSnobNYC said...

MTBSNOBNYC,

Just a question, since I'm probably not a "real biker:"

When you're riding the "wild trails" of the NYC area known only to a few of the "who's who's," do you often find yourself popping out into backyards where suburbanites are barbecuing?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

CUSP IDOR said...

Get a suspension stem!

mikeweb said...

So I moved to a new place a couple weeks back and in the process a box containing mainly my favorite Buddha statue and my Garmin unit somehow got lost.

So just in case any of you Stravanauts out there start seeing rides posted by the enlightened one, you know what's what.

mikeweb said...

Also, I gotta say that portapotty dooring story sounds like the strangest attempt at cottaging that I've ever heard.

And dangerous too if you ask me.

commentatorbot_cima_coppi said...

Regular guy,

That's because USA Cycling is obsessed with making XC "broadcast friendly" even though that's never EVER going to happen for all of USAC Fredtastic events.

A few promoters out there are doing great with more rugged races. But, the USAC whiners show up and complain about "dust" and "mud" on their 10K electro-plastic bikeens.

I tell ya, USAC is dumbing everything down. Still.

Who is the genius riding on a sidewalk and surprised they were struck by one of the many things you are VERY likely to encounter on a sidewalk? Not a USAC member. They'd swerve, point and scream "on your right!" from the street.

Roille Figners said...

guy peeing: *peeing*

USAC member: "HOLD YOUR LINE"

guy peeing: "OKAY!"

Dooth said...

Doored by a port-a-potty...ain't that some shit?

dancesonpedals said...

a wise man asked:

When you're riding the "wild trails" of the NYC area known only to a few of the "who's who's," do you often find yourself popping out into backyards where suburbanites are barbecuing?

um...yeah, when I strayed from the oca in tarrytown

Herschel Raney said...

Wild trails of NYC? Fuck off. I would rather dodge black bear than ride some of those NYC streets. I indeed have a crazy MTB friend who actually rammed a black bear while going down a free style Ozark hillside. Scared the shit out of both of them.

If Babs is medicating with scotch I am less worried. Glenmorangie poured directly over wounds may be helpful. Alternate: gullet and wound. Use blended for the wounds perhaps and not single malt now that I think of it. Heal, of course, responsibly.

1904 Cadardi said...

Roille,

"SHRED SOME GNAR-GNAR GARN-GARN!!"


Funniest thing I've read in a good long while. Thank you for that!

ROCK ON BROUGHAM!

JB said...

Holy shit. Tilford's going to be riding a recumbent. Hopefully topless, with Birkenstocks.

Anonymous said...

I would've preferred this pic of Rik was used;

http://www1.pictures.fp.zimbio.com/Rick+Mayall+Smoking+Cigarette+London+0HN7On9ZUOzl.jpg


I like very much the pro utility/anti-Fred cycling agitprop today. I hope it marks the beginning of a glorious crusade to exterminate the shits in spandex.

I'm beginning to feel sorry for that Fred guy in that photo, though.

I've tried to appreciate Snobby's Engin bike and I've tried to dislike it, but can't bring myself to have any strong feelings about it. Maybe the brake levers should be at 3:45? Nah, I don't care about that either. Just ride on, dude!

I was amused by the delightful remark about a suspension fork being in a closet with other unnecessary things for the past weekend. It made me smile.

Haven't watched the boating videos yet. Might never.

I like that the ONCE team won the Tour of Daphne twice.

I'm really heartily sick and tired of Bradley Fucken Wiggins. I don't want to hear anything more about him. Ever.

I was oddly unmoved by the porta potty dooring story. Maybe I'm losing my sense of humour?

Anything else I can tell you?

Greenbelt said...

I did a Fred ride yesterday. Sore scranus.

Anonymous said...

BRO.... NO BBQ Where I Schred!

MTB in NYC is TOUGH.... but always better than ridin a road bike..... AS U KNOW....

There are a lot of places.... IT AINT THE DOLOMITES OR MOAB but good enough bro...

BRO.... there are thousands miles of TRAILS none ever uses!!! not even the boy scouts BRO!!!!
NO BBQs.

Trails are where u less expect BRO. Some U get by subway. some by train. some by boat. some by car.
NESW!!!

-MTBSNOBNYC

Greenbelt said...

I did a Fred ride this weekend. It was sort of fun -- mostly very well behaved Freds riding safely and funly on closed roads. Until some douche on a Pinarello Pinarino Pennarillo Penisito with AERO bars tried to sneak through for an extra lap as the marshalls were pulling the rest of us off the course. He clipped the guy next to me and went down in a heap of plastic debris. I didn't stop to ask if he was OK, Lob forgive me.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Lack of decent MTB trails in NYC? I just ride my dual-suspended rig up and down the stairs at the Empire State building. It's gnarly!

BikeSnobNYC said...

MTBSNOBNYC,

Inasmuch as you travel to trails by boat, I'd like to hear less about your opinions regarding my brake lever placement and more about what you think about the bicycle kayak trailer.

Contemplating a kayak/bike "epic" up the mighty Nepperhan myself...

--Wildcat Rock Machine

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Anonymous MTNBSNOBNYC --

My dog advises that you cannot ride the same trail twice anymore than you can dip your toe in the same stream twice.

It's a zen thing.

My dog has confirmed this by streaming media onto Sidis, sneakers, wingtips, and the occasional pair of Manolo Blahniks. No two streams are alike.

He's available to demonstrate on your footwear.

It seems only fair given your similar, albeit scattershot, efforts to pee all over Mr. BSNYC's comment section.

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Roille Figners said...

Just to recap some of today's comments:

The suspension fork is in the closet with the Faggin.

john stroh said...

YO Bro,
You need more gears of you want to shred the Gnar Gnar!

Dave said...

DODDERING UJON PATRON SENT BACK FOR RESTOOLING STOP DOORED FRED HELMENTATION INDETERMINATE STOP PEAK BRO IMMINENT STOP WILD BEARS SHIT IN BROOKLYN STOP HOW LONG O LORD HOW LONG STOP

SIGNED BRO BRO GNAR GNAR BINKS ON PLANET URANUS OF COURSE

100 simpletons typing

Spokey said...

Herschel Raney @ 5:28

AFAIK bobs isn't medicating with scotch.

Dr Babs was prescribing it for me.

Glenmorangie is preferred. Lasanta the variety of choice.

But I may have to go to generics to save a couple bucks as it appears to be a long-term treatment. I think a generic like Balvenie Doublewood may have to do except the occasional Lasanta for a booster shot.




at any rate V&dC has been re-classified as not ingsxumyw so for off-label use only.

Anonymous said...

To those engaging in douchbaggery here and on the road or trail, please get forked.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I went for a fredly recumbent ride this morning. 37 miles. Scranus feels fine.

Spokey said...

rct

you're the one who knows queenie?

why the absence?




robot has all the creature geneffes it needs

Anonymous said...

Wow, you really blew it. Today's post should have been titled "Drop Dead Fred", tying in the Mayall news and your favorite theme.

I expected more ...

Frilly Chick said...

Snob, no worries. Few people can obtain the heroin chic look of a pro tour rider. And those are definitely not two words I would use to describe my physique of late. Better try the two (squared) words big tits fat butt. I too am totally avoiding the mirror whilst donned in lycra. If I caught a look at my backside in my Izumi's, I'd probably never ride again. Denial rocks.

Wilma's of the world unite!

Frilly Chick said...

And Leroy, shame on your dog for live streaming on a pair of Manolo's. Sacrilege!

the commentariat said...

Frilly, don't drink the media kool-aid about what a woman's body is supposed to look like.

Truth is, most of us prefer a little meat on the bone.

I would never date a skinny Minnie.

Unless your lycra is audibly calling out "Uncle," you are good with us.

the commentariat said...

PS, welcome back...

Anonymous said...

Uncle

McFly said...

I've dipped my toe in the same stream twice. Prior to the dipping I lapped from that stream. It was delicious.

(SKY riders are dropping like cray cray at the DL and Bobke will not say "THE SKY IS FALLING THE SKY IS FALLING!" Missed opportunity.

dancesonpedals said...

she sells sea shells sitting shiva by the seashore 10 times

Anonymous said...

Porto potty Fred holding line full suspended BBQ shredding slaw at 4:00 laughter sadness truth

One Sick Puppy said...

That outhouse/cyclist confict story is just sooo cute! I think that it's just adooring.

gE said...

Been wanting to buy a

DUDE, I'M NOT YOUR BRO

t-shirt. Getting a lot closer to that purchase. Now if I can just find one that says DUDER, I'M NOT YOUR BRO, BRO.

Girvin Flex Stem, anyone? Anyone?

I R NOT ROBOT

dancesonpedals said...

I / I saw the best freds of my peloton destroyed by scranus, starving hysterical naked, / dragging themselves through the portland streets at dawn looking for an angled fixie,

aging hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night,

who poverty and tatters and hollow-eyed and high sat up twerking in the supernatural darkness of cold-water flats floating across the tops of cities contemplating jizz,

who bared their asses and saw`suspenieforks angels staggering on tenement roofs illuminated,

who passed through universities with radiant cool eyes hallsetting their levers at 4 & 6 Arkansas and Blake-light tragedy among the scholars of war,

who were expelled from the peloton for crazy & publishing obscene odes on the windows of the skull,

Anonymous said...

So Snob, fuck front suspension and go dropper post. It's good for the scranus they say.

McFly said...

Beautiful DoP........just so eloquently put.

semi serious cyclist said...

my fred's gone full upright with a racktop bag, but damn it, i can still drop em in the cat 6 commuting peloton. Makes it easier to feign indifference too because the lack of aero provides me with ready delusions its the headwind, not my fredwind that i'm suffering under.

Anonymous said...

mtb bros gonna farkle! they cain't hepit.

babble on said...

Eskimo Roll

I WISH scotch were all the medication I needed at the moment.

Er... izzat you, CJ?

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Aaron Gutowski said...

The NY Times once again is following your lead.
http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/06/10/new-york-today-head-trip/?_php=true&_type=blogs&emc=edit_ur_20140610&nl=nyregion&nlid=2972190&_r=0

JLRB said...

Anon @2:53

Agree on no knuckle in the office - always baggies over the stretchies, either for the ride or added before entering Office Space

Dooth said...

danceonpedals, nice HOWL!
Ginsburg would be proud.