Monday, May 12, 2014

This Just In: This Blog Has Been Tweaked Slightly For Better Performance On Gravel!

Firstly, please note in your Palm Pilots that I will not be posting on Tuesday, May 13th, but that I will return on Wednesday, May 14th with regular updates:


Before you start complaining, I'm officially giving the day off work tomorrow as well, so if anything you should all be thanking me.

You're welcome.*

*Oh, also, here's a column Bicycling just posted, so if you don't read it until Tuesday it's like I'm not even gone!

Secondly, are you as fascinated by me as I am by myself?  No?  Then you won't want to read this smugness profile of me on Transportation Alternatives's propaganda website:

(That's not really the picture they used, I'm just being hilariously irreverent.)

Actually, it's worth checking out even if you don't find me fascinating, since I'm the very first person in New York City, if not the entire United States, ever to put a child on a bicycle.  That makes my insights into the subject hugely important.

Speaking of putting the childrens on the bicycles, shortly after the photos in the above interview were taken I removed the child seat from the Big Dummy and replaced it with a laterally stiff yet vertically compliant "kiddie kockpit:"


And yes, of course it's crabon, because I don't fuck around:


We're both enjoying the new hop-on-and-go setup, which feels quite liberating after that big Dark Helment-esque hunk of plastic:


Seriously, tell me that resemblance isn't uncanny:


See that?  It's totally without can.

While we're on the subject of bicycle modification, let's talk about tire customization:




Inspiring indeed.  That's what I'm here for!  You're welcome.  Again.

It just goes to show that, as I always say, you can make a mountain out of a molehill, and then you can make that mountain into a cunt.

Meanwhile, in Dublin, the police found a bomb just hours before the day's Giro d'Italia stage finish there:


It is unclear whether the race was the intended target.  Nevertheless, Giro organizers graciously offered local authorities the services of their "special investigator:"


Their offer was declined.

I was also surprised to learn that there's still a Tour of California, and Mark Cavendish has won he first stage by a "tire's width:"


A few minutes passed, and then Cavendish broke into a big grin and the hugs began — the photo finish showed he’d edged the charging Degenkolb by a tire’s width. Moreno Hofland (Belkin) rounded out the podium in third.

“To be fair, I won Milano-Sanremo by 10 centimeters before,” Cavendish said. “I’ve lost a sprint in the Giro d’Italia by three centimeters. Both of those, I knew the outcome. This is the first time in my career I really had no idea. I had to wait a little bit until they confirmed.”

Alas, Cavendish doesn't specify the exact distance in this case, so we have no idea what kind of tire they actually mean.  Are we talking a typical road racing tire, or are we in mountain bike territory?  Seems to me that's an important distinction, and I'd like to think if it's the latter that VeloNews would report that he won by a "Big Cunt."

117 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dmitri Fofonov

Benjamin Mack said...

Podium! Whoop! now to read it!

Comment deleted said...

Scranus.

ken e. said...

DRTH HLMT

Anonymous said...

<===8 HUZZAH 8===>

in teh slip stream

Anonymous said...

top ten?

crosspalms said...

Tuesday's a holiday. Yay!

Cunt King of Park Slope said...

Bicycle part information gleaned from this blog in invaluable.

Anonymous said...

two claws up!

Anonymous said...

Enjoy your day off. I'll be at work.

Kenny said...

I sure hope somebody's taking tomorrow off to go to the postal office and mail me a package on account of how I put my email address on these comments and thusly won an original hand-drawn artistic aero-themed pumpage artwork!

rudimentary peni said...

Cav won by a mere millimeter. The tire width they referred to was that of the hair on a new mtb tire, specifically, a "Cunt Hair".

rudimentary peni said...

Kenny, just print out a screen capture of Snob's replies to your last request for the Grand Douche-o drawing. You can keep it in your wallet and show it to people for cycling street cred.

Roille Figners said...

I am all up inside the premier dicks.

Anonymous said...

let's face it: we're all just big cunts

McFly said...

DAAYUUM at first glance I thought lil Snob had a gi-normous right hand.

Check it.

REST DAAY

Flyover BC said...

Dang it. I stay focused on my work for 10 minutes and I miss the top ten.

After all, it's the small victories that really count in my tiny virtual world, not that it's all that virtuous.

DB said...

Kenny:
What if the Commentariat sends you some drawings?
Something from Rollie, McFly, Comment Deleted and Commie would be quite interesting.
Let us know what you think and resend us your email address.

Flyover BC said...

I thought Sir Bradley had the "C" word copy-righted.

JB said...

I'm going to need to talk to your supervisor.

Anonymous said...

good article in trans-alt. Good to see little snob crushing it sans training wheels. He looks like he is having a good time.

Anonymous said...

Cav gets a Special Reward

CommieCanuck said...

Those 10 centimetre and 3 centimetre numbers refer to the size of syringe.

JB said...

The pros should have to win by at least the breast thickness of their significant other.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Kenny,

I swear to Lord God Jesus Christ In Heaven I am off to the post office the moment I post this comment, may He zorch my scranus if I am lying.

For seriously.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

dancesonpedals said...

if you had said 'infrastructure" one more time, it would have been a robert moses impersonation

CommieCanuck said...

I'm petitioning the American National Standards Institute to adopt the cunt as the new standard of measure in the US to help us to travel there and get confused by "miles" (I believe pronounced, mill-lees). Like the metric system, it will be decimal, so we will have the cunt (C), the big cunt (BC) , and the fucking big cunt (FBC), followed by the complete cunt (CC). Soon, people will say, "that next stretch of dangerous road is one hairy cunt", and we will know exactly what they mean.

Also, the next 34 cunts on Route 104 will be widened next month.

McFly said...

Kenny is getting a lil' SWF vibe going with the desire for the drarwrwing.

Wonder wat he gunna duu widdit.....

Roille Figners said...

Oh ma lawd I just read the TA article. *BTW, I declare false advertising, cuz there was no T&A whatsoever! But anyway "holy crap," what a fitting term: "concern trolls." ALL CONCERNED. Like "Shouldn't you be fattening the kid up with McDonald's and Pop Tarts so they die of heart disease instead?"

Reminds me of those "well-meaning" (i.e. passive-aggressive) religious people (and I hate to make the religion analogy again (but I'm gonna (but not before dropping a few more parentheses first(())))) whose lives are full of secret problems but they find out (through gossiping) that you're doing something they don't approve of and tell their fellow gossips "Pray for him" and when they see you they say "I'll pray for you." Yeah thanks for the help douche, good thing you're perfect and have nothing in your own life to pray for, so you can lend me some of your prayer-bandwidth.

JB said...

Snob,
Christ is not in heaven, Easter proves that Jesus is alive on this earth. Therefore, you may as well been crossing your fingers as you were swearing unto the Lord.

Hope this helps.

JB said...

Dammit, if I would have read Roille's comment first, I would have ended with:

"I'll pray for you."

Also, I just made a spreadsheet during lunch graphing the gear ratio changes between my current cassette and the one that I ordered.

slow said...

Good to see your son's riding brakeless.

Snob don't raise no wussie.

leroy said...

What I learned about riding last week:

If during your commute, you sign a TA petition while wearing a BSNYC cap, TA wants to take your picture.

What I learned about riding this weekend:

You know you're old when:

-- you stop at a popular indoor plumbing exhibit on River Road and another rider asks if the 30 something near you wearing a similar jersey is your son.

-- you stop at a popular donut shop in Nyack, can't quite remember the route you would take to do a loop around DeForest Lake in Congers, and head to Rockland Lake instead because you couldn't possibly get lost when you're never more than 1/2 mile from Route 9W.

-- you realize that the only landmarks you recall involve eating or peeing.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...yes, besides the concerned and fascinated people commenting on having the child on the back seat, i very often get, "she's wearing a helment, where's yours?"

...to which i smile and reply, "it's up yours!"

... and then i: NgsLlog Her

1904 Cadardi said...

Kenny,

If you don't get the artwork, WCRM probably got a free sample of Rapha Scranus Zorch cream ($119.99 for 3/4 oz.) and isn't fearing LOB's wrath.

dancesonpedals said...

Leroy-

Rides up 9W lost all appeal for me after "The Oasis" shut down.

(a lebanese falaffel stand in the middle of nowhere that acknowledged the bike traffic by stocking energy drinks & power bars)

RoadQueen said...

Liked the article, LOVED the pictures of Papa and son!

Any way that upon your bloggular return, we could get more pictures of the new Dummy set up? Like, side view that includes the entire beik?

Thanks!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Kenny,

I brung the package to the post office and you are totally gonna PLOTZ* when you open it!

*In a good way, there's no Anthrax in it or anything.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Roille Figners said...

Anthrax

Fudgy Grand Fondo 1.1 said...

Snobberdoodles wrote:
and Mark Cavendish has won he first stage by a "tire's width:"

And by "he" did he mean "the" or "his" or maybe "cunt" was the intended word even though that doesn't make sense?

Anonymous said...

At first I was wondering why Cipo was driving cars and flying helicopters; why isn't he doing the bike? Then when he got on the bike, I wondered why he wouldn't just drive or fly? And after all that, no Cipo porn! I thought for sure he was going to bang ALL the broads. Maybe all at once.

McFly said...

Oh my God.

He's gonna kill Kenny.

DB said...

McFly for the win today.

dancesonpedals said...

cavendish won by an RCH

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

What a cutie pie!! Well done, snobberdoodles - he looks like a great kid.

Wow! I guess I had a rather Bond-ish weekend, too, what with the whirly-birding and the fast mounatin descents. Um, and yeah. What is up with the mere suggestion of porn? Where's da goods, Cipo?!

I love how the bird handed him that massive tube and said "THIS is your secret." LOL!! :D

Kenny's Post-Man said...

This ticking package is heavy

Euro Spondee said...

Seems like the Cavendish win/big cunt thing raised the possibility of a Peta Todd big knocker joke? No?

crosspalms said...

Nice article and great photos -- you don't look the least bit cranky.

Article reminded me of something I read over the weekend about this new hotel which seems completely upside-down: "You can not only rent a bike but also borrow a mini Cooper for free." Maybe Berlin's a terrible place to ride a bike, but come on.

Karl Nityzli? No I don't know any Karl Nityzli, capital N, small i, small t, small y, small z, small l, small i.

babble on said...

Leroy, I would like that photo too, please, specially if yer dog is in the frame wearing his favourite jersey.

Oh man, I love the cunt revolution! It's fitting that it should begin with bikes. Embracing cunt is an important first step on the road to cliteracy, you know.

That's why I'm seconding Commie's motion. Forget the foot as the standard unit of measurement. Let's do this thing right and go for the cunt.

Comment deleted said...

Snob 2.0 looks very happy. I hope his 16 brothers and sisters feel likewise.

Dave said...

So, I would estimate it is only about 16 quadrillion megacunts from here to the dwarf galaxy Fornax, and if one were to travel there at Fred whoo-hoo-hoo speed to the cunth power you might make it before the entropic end of this particular universe, and enjoy a nice cold beer and a falafel sandwich. So: Get on your bikes and ride! Singing: Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go round.

BamaPhred said...

The BSNYC mob killed Kenny?
You bastards!

I guess the new big thing is to mod "mountain" into "cunt", thus releasing a tsunami of ironic pseudo-obscenity on an unsuspecting public.

Cunt bike, cunt lion, cunt goat, etc

Anonymous said...

You never fail to confound, Snobby.

In the TA agitprop, I note you protect from the chain-lubricant-soiling-one's-trousers annoyance by folding your trouser cuffs up. "Each to his own" is my abiding principle, but surely this is not an effective method?

My preferred technique is the tucking-of-cuffs-into-socks practice. This arrangement is not only the most serviceable, it is also the most stylish and erotically charged; markedly defining the contours of one's ankle.

Your geek-chic approach is not without its merits, I suppose, but in your case it's obviously the lazy habit of a dilettante unwilling to commit fully to the nerd ethic and invest in ankle clips.

What is thoroughly unacceptable though, is forcing the neighbourhood youngsters to follow the same convention.

The Nazi Youth is the closest parallel to what we're witnessing here -- you won't get away with it, Herr Snobby...

Anonymous said...

BamaPhred,

Cunt Dew.

Anonymous said...

Ha!
"...without can"
nice one, Snob -- took me a second…



Hamepen animistic

JLRB said...

Don't make a cunt out of a molehill

...ain't no cunt high enough ...

you need sherpas to get on Cunt Everest

JLRB said...

I guess they don't make kid size Rapha wear

Jam Master Cray said...

BGC UNT
PTA TD
DBL DS
GO RDNG

McFly said...

I just ordered some Schwalbe Ultremo ZXs and the ULTREMO is in big (I am a sucker fir white letters) white letters and the.....stay with me.......generic name for tramadol is ULTRAM I would be insane not to doctor them bitches up.

Anonymous said...

She'll be cumin' round the cunt when she cums

Makeout said...

C U NEXT TUESDAY!

Spokey said...

where the hell are the other 16 kids?



but robot ansaml enjoyed it.

Roille Figners said...

Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now. I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the  cunt   . And I've looked over. And I've seen the Promised Land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land!

Anonymous said...

Absolutly shitty coverage of today´s ITT in the Tour of California. No time display at all - not even at the finish-, and the website is down, so no live timing.

Miserable

wishiwasmerckx said...

No Tuesday posting?

This Taco Tuesday business has gotten COMPLETELY out of control.

ouabacher said...

Without can? He hates these cans! Stay away from the cans!!..........praying for Roille.

Anonymous said...

Favourite music: "In the Hall of the Cunt King"

Favourite movie: "Brokeback Cunt"

Favourite book: "Go Tell it on the Cunt"

dancesonpedals said...

were any of classics written by:

Boris Toriskokov?

Bieksnob Beetsmeov?

were there Polynesian translations by chief k'moniwannalaya?

Dooth said...

Escape from Witch Cunt

McFly said...

Awesome. You precognated that Sir Wiggo......aka CUNT KING would win todays TT and take the leaders jersey so you did a lil tire tribute. Well played sir, we played.

KING CUNT

dancesonpedals said...

derek & clive (peter cook/dudley moore)show wiggo how it's done:

this bloke came up to me

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Son Of Snob looking good, Nice job WCRM.

DB said...

Kenny:
Please post a photo of the contents of the alledged package headed your way. I'm thinking there's some bike swag included.

Kenny said...

On one hand, I am a little embarrassed at my childish rants about a drawing that my wife just won't understand.

But on the other hand, I have five fingers.

I will inform the clan to not throw away things in the mail that appear to be paper spam, and will also do my best to photograph the art on the wall to inspire all of you that yes, dreams can and do come true!

And again I thank all of you for not spamming my email after I posted it on these comment boards.

AND THAT'S HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW!

RoadQueen said...

DB: I second that motion. Let's see the goods, Kenny!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Interesting discussion. Shows our respective ages. "Move it over a cunt hair" would be lost on my sons. My youngest son informs me that he has seen a bush only in pictures, never having encountered one IRL.

As they say of male pattern baldness, there is only one part of the human body that looks better bald, and it's not even on a man.

McFly said...

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeessss.....after 20 years she has decided to streamline.....omg.....its like a new toy.

JLRB said...

Kenny -

Take the art and turn it into a screen print - sell t-shirts. You'll be rich beyond your wildest wet dreams!

Just don't tell snob - he may get the Special Ed lawyers to hunt you down.

JLRB said...

McFly - So a 20-year old bald cunt?

babble on said...

Oh my God, the RCMP are planning to set up a tent on Wrech Beach this summer. Fuck. So much for happy naked carefree cunts.

David Pearce said...

Listen, Snob,

What is this, Abuse-the-Reader-Day? Well I don't cock around either.

I never get to read your Monday post until Tuesday anyway, so for my part, you can take every Tuesday off!

How do you like them apples?!

Anonymous said...

(20 x 2).....no......more......aero............think 30 mm deep V.

rural 14 said...

rural 1st!
so articulate in the interview.

Would that the coppers and other naysayers round here could read / i'd point them at it next time they yelling at me when riding w my kid / that I should be wearing helmet. Instead...coppers are getting giant SUVs so they can see over the SUVs of the regular folk driving around tossing coffee cups out their windows.

Just this AM a copper asked me why I didn't go through the construction lane he waved me through / I had waited and looked on my own...I told him I wanted to make sure it was clear / to check on my own. His answer: "no wonder you're not in a car; you have to obey my signals"

Andre the Giant is rolling over in his large grave.

Bryan said...

Snob, where is your helmet in your article about yourself??? Clearly, you are going to die if you keep up with that risky behavior.

Also, I came on Tuesday looking for an update forgetting that you were taking the day off from your labors. punk. Hope you make the best of it!

Hail Scroob!

dancesonpedals said...

gettin so alex baldwin can't ride the wrong way up fifth avenue without getting pinched

officer, you're mistaking me for david byrne

RoadQueen said...

dancesonpedals, I believe the ballistic part. Alec Baldwin is notorious for being a complete asshole.


graceless gooppla, indeed.

JLRB said...

Fun Bags

Anonymous said...

Alec Baldwin is a Salmon.

http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/alec-baldwin-stopped-police-york-city/story?id=23695597

McFly said...

Don't sweat it Babs, I am pretty sure many tents have been pitched at Wreck Beach.

TENT POLE

THIC KASS

WILL DOIT

ken e. said...

ARTS HOW!
CELB DUSH

captcha sez:
pictures ppostt. you can't make this stuff up!

Anonymous said...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/13/alec-baldwin-arrested_n_5316518.html

hmmmmmmm

cycle

wishiwasmerckx said...

Huge cunt?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfHqv8YAA9w

Anonymous said...

Angry Salmon = Baldwin

Anonymous said...

Last decade we put words on colored rims
This decade we modify letters on tires
Next we'll modify letters on stems
To fulfill our quirky bike desires

Spokey said...

I've always thought Baldwin was a complete asshole. Plenty of company there it seems. But I never thought he was an actor worth watching. Seems like a minority there.

However I do find that after all these years, I found something to agree with him about: "New York City is a mismanaged carnival of stupidity that is desperate for revenue and anxious to criminalize behavior once thought benign."

Not sure what drinking a coke has to do with his arrest, but he's got it right.

Steven isn't too bad but the only baldwin I really can enjoy is Adam and I guess he doesn't count.



robot joined mbelyss Rosecrans. I thought it was spelled Rosicrucian, but either way robo is giving me the heebie-jeebies.

JB said...

Baldwin may be an asshole, but he's also hi-larious.

grog said...

uncanny scranus

JLRB said...

99 and leading in for ....

Spokey said...

woo-hoo

bizarro world podia

JLRB said...

SALMONA LEC
YEL LATCOP
CUFF NSTUFF
BADG ETWEET
POP A30ROCKZI

JLRB said...

Made it through a whole day without Snob without any discussion of anal or cunt trimmings

Roille Figners said...

Anal.

RoadQueen said...

CUNT TRIM

ken e. said...

FUNI GRÜM

Spokey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Spokey said...

queenie

haven't ambled over to your blog recently, but just read last wed.

Jeez clean that chain.



roboto sez that this post is just one big pile of secretion odocumo

May 13, 2014 at 6:51 PM
Delete

To Protect & to Serve said...

BABBLE: RCMP are going to be there to protect the sun bathers. They heard rumors that Rob Ford was going to hide in the brush with a camera with a telephoto lens.

Roille Figners said...

ANAL ANAL

Spokey said...

roille

anal my ass

McFly said...

There was some trimming of pubelicars......thats something.

Anonymous said...

http://portland.craigslist.org/mlt/bik/4433202030.html

RoadQueen said...

Spokey - that bitch gets rode. That chain's not dirty, it's got character!






(I know, I know. Quit joking around and clean the chain.)

ce said...

Don't get me started on Formula One bikes again.

Bob Phillips said...

NOOOOO!!!
Alec Baldwin is arrested for bike salmoning and The Snob is off for the day!?!?!? NOOOO!!

Please, please, please devote Wednesday's blog entry to what must be the most important cycling-related story since Lance Armstrong dumped Sheryl Crow.

McFly said...

ce,
What are they going to do about Marc Marquez? The kid is unstoppable aside from himself.

jodphoto said...

What the fuck, NYC?

All right, Alec Baldwin is a dick. But Mayor DeBlasio is dickless. So many rich idiots have been pissing in his ear about the threat of pizza delivery guys on bikes terrorizing the streets (midtown, of course, Bootsy), that it's open season on cyclists.

While uptown in West Harlem, hordes of unlicensed and unregistered road warriors ride there ATV's and dirt bikes on sidewalks and against traffic 3 blocks from a police precinct and nothing is done about it.

Riding against traffic in NYC is safer. You have a better chance of avoiding a motorist if you see them coming than if they hit you from behind. In either case they wouldn't have even seen you nor would they get a ticket.

Just make sure you are carrying your fucking papers.