When Wednesdays Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Calendars.

Well, we all saw the Lance Armstrong flat fix video:

And then, like KRS-1 answering MC Shan, Greg LeMond stepped up with his own video:

How to Fix a Flat from 9W magazine on Vimeo.

Naturally, at that point all eyes were on Jan Ullrich, who declared flat-fixing "totally played out" and instead "dropped" a video of himself absolutely demolishing a charcuterie platter:

Marco Pantani, for his part, remained stone dead:

And Riccardo Riccò bought a shitload of drugs in a McDonald's parking lot:

Riccardo Riccò has been accused of buying EPO and testosterone after being caught red handed with two dealers by Italian police in a car park in the Tuscan town of Livorno, according to reports in Italian media.

Apparently he was about to unleash the most devastating "Cat 6" attack the cycling world had ever seen:

Ricco was banned for 12 years in 2011 after being rushed to hospital apparently following a botched blood transfusion. The controversial Italian climber had been planning to attack a series of records on well known cycling climbs such as Mont Ventoux but is now facing charges of receiving banned substances and dealing in banned substances. Doping is a crime in Italy.

Had only Riccò succeeded, he surely would have become the most dominant rider on all of Strava.

Anyway, at this rate I expect the Armstrong/LeMond video feud to escalate sharply.  Armstrong's next video will probably be him listing all the celebrities he's had sex with, and then LeMond will counter by releasing a sex tape with Ashley Olsen.  Who knows how far they'll take it, but let's hope it stops before one of them releases a porno movie called "Podium Girl Poundfest."

In more wholesome news, if you're looking for that perfect Mothers' Day gift, I've received a promotional email concerning something called the Skirtweight:

Ride Your Bike,
               Wear What You Like!

We love biking in NYC.  We love biking at the beach.  We love wearing the latest fashions.  We don’t love our skirts blowing up, scarves blowing off & pants getting greasy in the chain, so we developed the Tandem NY Skirtweight ~ an accessory that simply clips-on to the hemline of your skirt to keep it from flowing up while you’re riding on!

Yes, this is the perfect opportunity to tell that special lady in your life that she looks ridiculous riding around with a bunch of chip clips on her skirt.  I really hope they make a men's version in time for Fathers' Day, because I'm getting sick and tired of fastening the end of my necktie to my Prince Albert piercing.  I'm also sick of people feeling like they have to make excuses for not wearing helments, as in the picture that was included in the email:

* All helmets are taking 5 from the photo shoot... We wear 'em when we ride :)

So what?  I really don't give a shit whether or not people wear their foam hats when they're riding around town at 7mph.  Unfortunately though, a lot of other people do, and they soil themselves at the sight of anybody so much as touching anything with wheels without first donning a "safety kippah."

Just for that, I'm not buying a Skirtweight--but I'd have bought 100 of the things if they'd captioned the photo thusly:

* We don't wear helments because they make you look stupid.

I'd also have bought 200 if they included a video of that kid doing some helmentless skitching off that Dutch bike, and I'd have bought 1,000 if they used the slogan, "Forget the helment, protect your muff with Skirtweight!"

In other fashion news, Mark Cavendish is launching a line of clothing called "CVNDSH" (I guess he's too fast for vowels), and boy is it Fredly:

Have you ever dreamed of having Mark Cavendish's signature right under your scranus?  Well, this disembodied hand wants to make your dreams come true:

And don't forget the helment, which looks like some kind of futuristic sex turtle:

Lastly, here's a little DIY tire tip a reader recently shared with me, and which I'm now sharing with you:

I hope you don't mind, but I'm so impressed with my customisation job, I just have to share it.

First you start with a "Big Mountain" tyre;

Using cotton buds dipped in acetone, you scrub away certain letters;

A flat blade screwdriver can be used for the more delicate erasures;

Upon completion, you will be the envy of friends, family and riding buddies;

Just bear in mind that if you attempt a similar modification you do so at your own risk, because tampering with your tire's sidewall can result in injury or death.  It's true, I read it in Lennard Zinn's column on VeloNews.