(Happy Mammarial Day!)
It also means I won't be posting on Monday, May 26th, but I'll be back on Tuesday the 27th with regular updates.
By the way, if you're dreading the schlep to the beach, just remember that thanks to climate change it gets incrementally closer to your home every year for your convenience.
In other news, remember that video of the bike-hating psycho from yesterday's post? Well, he's already been arrested for your convenience:
Calhoun County sheriff's deputies arrested a Piedmont man Thursday after he posted videos of himself online allegedly endangering bicyclists on the roadway, clips that enraged cycling enthusiasts across the country.
Keith Maddox of Piedmont was charged Thursday afternoon with reckless endangerment, a misdemeanor. His bond was set at $3,000, according to Matthew Wade, chief deputy of the Calhoun County Sheriff’s Office.
Cunningly, the sheriff deputized a local Fred to make the arrest:
I was also interested to learn that if you're a rabid psychopath the Anniston Star will apparently tidy up your spelling and grammar for you, because this is the "apology" Maddox posted on his Facebook page recently:
But in the article it becomes this:
"I want to publicly apologize to all people that I have offended over those absolute stupid videos that I posted ... anybody who knows me knows that would never ever intentionally hurt anyone," Maddox wrote. "I am truly sorry for anyone I may have offended ... and please everyone share the road and be very aware of bicycle riders everywhere."
Sure, the corrections are minor, but I'm not sure why they'd try to make him look better by running a lint roller over his shitty grammer and spealing. It's also interesting to note their transcription of the video at :22 seconds:
“I oughta run him in the ditch is what I should have done,” he says in one of the videos. “I should have put him in the ditch. God, I hate bicycles.”
Wow, I didn't hear that. What I heard sounded more like:
"I whoodashoodacoudapuddiminnaDEEEATCH! GYAWD I hate bye sickles."
Then again, I don't have a seasoned ear when it comes to Alabamian accents.
It's also worth noting that, according to the article, at least one cyclist in the video hardly noticed Maddox:
Darin Sims of DeArmanville, who said he appeared on his bicycle in two of the videos, said he did not take particular note of Maddox's driving at the time.
This jumped out at me, because when I watched the video I noticed two things:
1) The dialogue sounded almost scripted, like Rosco P. Coltrane in a "Dukes of Hazzard" episode written by James Dickey;
2) Despite all his ranting he mostly just drives right by the cyclists, his insanity seemingly limited to the confines of his truck.
This led me to suggest to Stevil Kinevil, who forwarded me the video, that perhaps this was a parody, and that Maddox had concocted a Larry the Cable Guy-esque persona in an attempt to go "viral"--a theory that I felt was bolstered by his absurd Facebook profile, which Stevil also forwarded me:
Stevil, however, assured me I was mistaken, and that as a "city slicker" I was merely unable to wrap my head around the fact that such people exist.
Anyway, it would appear that his persona is in fact gin-ewe-wine, but even so I think Maddox has a future ahead of him when he gets out of the Alabama slammer, because I'd enjoy hearing his views on other subjects as well, such as gay marriage, the situation in Crimea, and where to get a really good bagel--and if "I shoulda put him inna deeeitch!" doesn't have the potential to be the biggest catchphrase of 2014 then I'm a banjo-playing turkey. ("Gays? Put 'em inna deeitch!" "Pyyyewe-tin? Inna ditch!" Rubbery bagels? Deeeeee-itch!" And so forth.)
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right that's great, and if you're wrong you'll see an insurance scam.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and enjoy the long weekend. (Unless you don't get a long weekend, in which case sucks for you.)
--Wildcat Rock Machine
1) William Shakespeare coined the phrase, "This pen smells like ass."
2) What is this?
--"MindRider, the brain-reading helmet."
--"ThoughtCaster, the talking helmet."
--"CoolerHeads, the helmet with integrated air-conditioning."
--"The BugZorcher home head lice eradication kit."
3) A single Drunken Jan Ullrich (DJU) is equal to:
--1.5 Contrite Lance Armstrongs (CLAs)
--20,000 Diminutive Frenchman Units (DFUs)
--276 Coked-Up Marco Pantanis (CUMPs)
--17 Swiss Francs (CHF)
4) What is this look?
--A heady mélange of the three
5) Funded or not funded: CLUG, the bike storage clip that's like a wall hook, only weaker and shittier.
6) What is he doing?
--Unlocking his bike with the power of his mind
--Unlocking his bike with the contents of his pants
--Admiring the scent of a well-worn Brooks saddle from a safe distance
--Trying to steal the bike by melting the lock with his heat vision
7) This jersey is gravel-specific.
***Special Long Term Bamboo Bike Review-Themed Bonus Question***