Friday, May 23, 2014

BSNYC Pre-Long Weekend Friday Fun Quiz!

The Memorial Day weekend is upon us, which means it's time to fire up the grill:

(Happy Mammarial Day!)

It also means I won't be posting on Monday, May 26th, but I'll be back on Tuesday the 27th with regular updates.

By the way, if you're dreading the schlep to the beach, just remember that thanks to climate change it gets incrementally closer to your home every year for your convenience.

Thanks Obama!

In other news, remember that video of the bike-hating psycho from yesterday's post?  Well, he's already been arrested for your convenience:

(Thanks Obama!)

Calhoun County sheriff's deputies arrested a Piedmont man Thursday after he posted videos of himself online allegedly endangering bicyclists on the roadway, clips that enraged cycling enthusiasts across the country.

Keith Maddox of Piedmont was charged Thursday afternoon with reckless endangerment, a misdemeanor. His bond was set at $3,000, according to Matthew Wade, chief deputy of the Calhoun County Sheriff’s Office.

Cunningly, the sheriff deputized a local Fred to make the arrest:

I was also interested to learn that if you're a rabid psychopath the Anniston Star will apparently tidy up your spelling and grammar for you, because this is the "apology" Maddox posted on his Facebook page recently:

But in the article it becomes this:

"I want to publicly apologize to all people that I have offended over those absolute stupid videos that I posted ... anybody who knows me knows that would never ever intentionally hurt anyone," Maddox wrote. "I am truly sorry for anyone I may have offended ... and please everyone share the road and be very aware of bicycle riders everywhere."

Sure, the corrections are minor, but I'm not sure why they'd try to make him look better by running a lint roller over his shitty grammer and spealing.  It's also interesting to note their transcription of the video at :22 seconds:

“I oughta run him in the ditch is what I should have done,” he says in one of the videos. “I should have put him in the ditch. God, I hate bicycles.”

Wow, I didn't hear that.  What I heard sounded more like:

"I whoodashoodacoudapuddiminnaDEEEATCH!  GYAWD I hate bye sickles."

Then again, I don't have a seasoned ear when it comes to Alabamian accents.

It's also worth noting that, according to the article, at least one cyclist in the video hardly noticed Maddox:

Darin Sims of DeArmanville, who said he appeared on his bicycle in two of the videos, said he did not take particular note of Maddox's driving at the time.

This jumped out at me, because when I watched the video I noticed two things:

1) The dialogue sounded almost scripted, like Rosco P. Coltrane in a "Dukes of Hazzard" episode written by James Dickey;

2) Despite all his ranting he mostly just drives right by the cyclists, his insanity seemingly limited to the confines of his truck.

This led me to suggest to Stevil Kinevil, who forwarded me the video, that perhaps this was a parody, and that Maddox had concocted a Larry the Cable Guy-esque persona in an attempt to go "viral"--a theory that I felt was bolstered by his absurd Facebook profile, which Stevil also forwarded me:

Stevil, however, assured me I was mistaken, and that as a "city slicker" I was merely unable to wrap my head around the fact that such people exist.

Anyway, it would appear that his persona is in fact gin-ewe-wine, but even so I think Maddox has a future ahead of him when he gets out of the Alabama slammer, because I'd enjoy hearing his views on other subjects as well, such as gay marriage, the situation in Crimea, and where to get a really good bagel--and if "I shoulda put him inna deeeitch!" doesn't have the potential to be the biggest catchphrase of 2014 then I'm a banjo-playing turkey.  ("Gays?  Put 'em inna deeitch!"  "Pyyyewe-tin?  Inna ditch!"  Rubbery bagels?  Deeeeee-itch!"  And so forth.)

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right that's great, and if you're wrong you'll see an insurance scam.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and enjoy the long weekend.  (Unless you don't get a long weekend, in which case sucks for you.)

--Wildcat Rock Machine

1) William Shakespeare coined the phrase, "This pen smells like ass."


2) What is this?

--"MindRider, the brain-reading helmet."
--"ThoughtCaster, the talking helmet."
--"CoolerHeads, the helmet with integrated air-conditioning."
--"The BugZorcher home head lice eradication kit."

3) A single Drunken Jan Ullrich (DJU) is equal to:

--1.5 Contrite Lance Armstrongs (CLAs)
--20,000 Diminutive Frenchman Units (DFUs)
--276 Coked-Up Marco Pantanis (CUMPs)
--17 Swiss Francs (CHF)

4) What is this look?

--A heady mélange of the three

5) Funded or not funded: CLUG, the bike storage clip that's like a wall hook, only weaker and shittier.

--Not funded

6) What is he doing?

--Unlocking his bike with the power of his mind
--Unlocking his bike with the contents of his pants
--Admiring the scent of a well-worn Brooks saddle from a safe distance
--Trying to steal the bike by melting the lock with his heat vision

7) This jersey is gravel-specific.


***Special Long Term Bamboo Bike Review-Themed Bonus Question***

Wow, funky.


Pablo Fleece said...

Crotch over Scotch across the line!

Unknown said...

Top one

Anonymous said...

Je suis le deuxième

Pablo Fleece said...

...and I didn't even spill the scotch!

Anonymous said...

Mais, non!

Unknown said...


CommentorBot9000 said...

Top something or other?

Anonymous said...

I don't know why I keep reading these comments, . . . it's the same, missed podium over and over.

All hail Bike Snob!!


Anonymous said...

harrumph! if you're not number 1, the view is all the same .....

good onya

Flyover BC said...

Top Ten?

Individual xertes

Anonymous said...

Top ten and ready to slay the mountains in the Giro.

Anonymous said...

Shit not top ten!

Flyover BC said...

I never listened to the KM video, so I didn't hear what the guy said.

'Bama Fred or I could have translated or ya'll, if we had only known you didn't understand.

UberFred said...

Tea Party has already contacted Keith Maddox about running for U.S. Senate.

Anonymous said...

What does it all mean?


Comment deleted said...

It's all just ass-thetics (as I've learned from the Long Term Bamboo review).

This is what Shakespeare was trying to tell us (Robbie, that is).

McFly said...

The Craig Coffee frame cracked like Cadel Evans in a TT.

Keith did not sound sincere. It was all very scripted.

dancesonpedals said...

i don't like it when recumbabe's boobs are covered. (say that ten times)

Anonymous said...

Yeah the thing with the BBQ stone-cold grillin' on her tittays, that's some sick shit bro.

No I mean like, see a doctor.

rural 14 said...

rural 1st!
I barely notice drivers like that as well.

balls™ said...

There you go, reminding me what a shit-hole the south is again. Please post another naked picture of Dorthy Rabinowitz so I have a reason to stay down here.

Anonymous said...

The posts this week have scored a perfect 37 out of 37 KBU (kiwi bamboo units). Well done, sir.

Spokey said...


the answer to the number 6 is

-Unlocking his bike with the contents of his pants

you can clearly see him pulling his phone from his pants.

I'm claiming a perfect score this week. Up from my F- last week. Suck on it WCRM.

robot is tithing crique. I told him lent was over.

BikeSnobNYC said...


Oops! That was an error on my part. I've fixed it now. Mazel Tov on your perfect score.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Spokey said...



takes a big fred to admit he's wrong

now I gotta head out for portandia

Anonymous said...

Yeah Snobz you just scored 10 CLAs

Anonymous said...

Sad thing is it seemed like he was giving people more space then what i get from 80% of drivers. Yell and rant all to yourself all you want just get off my balls for lob's sake

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Yeah great week of posts Wildcat. Cars, helments and all.

InADitch said...

You may remember Mr Maddox from the movie Deliverance.
"He shore does have a pretty mouth"

Comment deleted said...

Mr. Maddux may seem like a caricature, a throwback, an anomaly, but if this comforts you, take a gander at the comments to his F*c*Book posting that show in the original video (before the viral shit hit the fan (ewww)).

Lots of "You tell 'em!" and "I'd like to run me some bicyclist innaditch, too" comments from his friends.

And it ain't just Alabama. The same thing happens in the comments to the San Francisco paper every time a car vs. bicycle article shows up.

Lots and lots of ignorant hatred and lizard-brain tribalism out there, no matter what the region.

James said...

They charged Maddox with "reckeless endangerment".

defined: Reckless endangerment is a crime consisting of acts that create a substantial risk of serious physical injury to another person. The accused person isn't required to intend the resulting or potential harm, but must have acted in a way that showed a disregard for the foreseeable consequences of the actions.

I saw a lot of talk but no action. This is still a country of free speech and until he acts, he has committed no crime as unfortunate as the outcome would be. He's still an asshole though.

That's my free speech and I'm not sorry if I offend him.

Flyover BC said...

I think I'll except the apology.

BikeSnobNYC said...


I was thinking about that, you make a very good point. There is a moment in the video though where he roars past the cyclists and says something like, "Did that scare ya?" (I'm not about to watch the video yet again for the exact wording.) It's hard to tell if he got close to them but if nothing it sure sounds like he was trying to scare them with a very large and heavy truck. I'd say that qualifies as reckless.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

James said...

Things that hold me up from getting to work in a car:

Tree/lawn service
Garbage trucks
Moving vans
Car accidents
Mail trucks

This is the crap I need to wait for and they are all OTHER MOTOR VEHICLES. It's a self perpetuating problem of motor vehicles. The more there are, the more they hold the others up.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I've been busy.
What's this about Procol Harum taking school aged girls in Nigeria?

grog said...

Recumbabe with a rack of BBQ ribs ! Who knew?
Keith finds justice.
Bamboo attracts butterflies.
Have a nice Mammarial Day.

Serial Retrogrouch said...


...It's so sad to contemplate a bunch of maniacs with guns getting hold of 200+ teenaged girls.

Anonymous said...

alabama and bicycling goes together like bbq and tits? i don't know. 'bama has some good bbq and mtbing.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...DB, also re. beer in brooklyn in July with Mikeweb... for sure. I'll be around.'ll probably be hotter than a pair of balls in a turkish bath, so beer will be perfect.

...keep me posted.

Regular guy said...

Tried to get here sooner, but I was sent keister over kambucha with a problem at work, so it's a late lunch for me.

I guess I'm not so impressed with Mr. Skylar "Skylock" Shylock. Now,if he could unlock his bike with the pound of flesh in his pants rather than a silly old smart phone, I'd say he's got something.

Regarding the K.Maddox flummox, maybe it's just me, but I assume roughly 50% of the drivers overtaking me are saying the same things, and I live in the urban north.

Anonymous said...

The reckless endangerment charge might not have anything to do with the video other than filming it.

I don't know about the laws in Alabama, but in many states it's illegal to use a handheld device while driving.

Anonymous said...

James, I agree, drivers of four wheeled vehicles are their own worst enemy. My ride to work is routinely delayed by a shuttle bus that picks up a few people at a parking lot, drives them 4 blocks, stops to let them off while completely blocking a narrow one way, then goes back to do it again.

Depending on how close to the curb the driver gets, I'm often unable to ride past on the right.

Unknown said...

I hereby predict that Keith Maddox will now become a martyr in the cause to prove that those dirty cyclists are discriminating against the motoring minority. This will obviously lead to the outlawing of "bye sickles" in the South. All human powered vehicles will be confiscated because anyone who gets anywhere under their own power is a terrorist and hates baby Jesus.

JLRB said...

Well what are you gonna do to change the minds of people (drivers) you don't know?

One alternative is to cower and hide and not bikecycle ride, but fuck that.

Hope for the best, be as safe as you can, try not to piss off those who are marginal...

I don't know.

Whateva - I am looking forward to getting out from behind this desk and cyclebiking my scranus homeward.

JLRB said...

and good point on the reckless just being the filming.

The screaming at people might be disturbing the peace, or assault. Meh crimes.

(and the robot says he is gonna comesea you)

Paul Bowen said...

Ah put that quiz inna DEEE-utch boi!

Jam Master Cray said...

That Maddox video seemed soooooooo fake. Mind = blown.


recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

A little over 1/2 hour from now I'm going peter over pony keg outta the work joint and pedaling into the weekend.

Have a good one ya'll.

Orestes Munn said...

Lots of sensible, balanced discussion on the Maddox crisis. If ranting like a homicidal lunatic in one's POV were a crime, I'd be a wanted man. Recording and posting it on FB is cretinous. Acting out is another matter.

Have a blessed Memorial Day.

Orestes Munn said...

Oh, and yes; he could end up a folk hero,

dancesonpedals said...


Is that like Deee-utch boi paints?

Dooth said...

Keith Maddox LIKES Christopher Walken.

Anonymous said...

Yeah see, filming it. Cops have to actually expend effort to gather evidence most of the time. Usually it's not just handed to them. So the day you film yourself being a dangerous jackass on the roads and they DON'T charge you... that's the day when you'll know anything fucking goes.

Whatever he did with that little driving maneuver, he seemed to think it would scare someone, which implies it was dangerous (endangerment). He clearly did it on purpose (recklessness). Not to mention he's driving unsafely with a distraction/encumbrance, and heightened emotions that he states he can't control ("I can't hep it.")

You need to do better if you're about to go enjoying the privilege of driving on the public thoroughfare. I hope he loses his license and has to bike on that road every day.

Pursed Lips of Disapproval said...

Dearest Snobby,

As someone who doesn't really do anything, how can you, in all good conscience, abide by the conventions of the working man?

I refer in particular to your observance of the upcoming public holiday of 26 May.

Every day is a holiday for you, so what makes next Monday any different?

In fact, given it's a day when ordinary humble folk who work hard, without complaint, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, decade after decade to provide for their families, actually get a rare chance to relax at home and sample the offerings of the internet, unburdened by the routine responsibilities and drudgeries of their daily toil, isn't it incumbent on you to provide a little diversion for those salt-of-the-earth type people on that special day instead of drinking martinis in your spa bath or whatever other perverse pursuit you intend indulging in?

Furthermore, what entitles you to mock the burlesque mordancy of Keith Maddox? Here's a man who manages to create entertaining heartfelt internet content while he's on his way to work! He has a real job and still posts more video than you've ever troubled yourself to do.

What's especially galling, is that you admitted earlier this week that you're neglecting your domestic duties and this very day you caused chaos and consternation with a wrong answer in the quiz.

A deadbeat at home and incompetent at "work".

If you can't bring yourself to snap out of your malingerer's lifestyle, hand your blog over to a guest blogger on Monday. Personally, I'd like to hear more of the Keith Maddox ideology.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I like Christopher Walken, too.

Not sure what you're doing this weekend, but according to captcha, I'm going to "exceed molowil."
I can't wait!

Anonymous said...

Our govt's Nigerian
and with that, HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY. Thanks to the vets for trying.

Euro Spondee said...

@Pursed lips
All a bit TLDNR for a post-prandial siesta, but you lost me at 'without complaint'. Sure looks like a lot of complaining from here.

CommentorBot9000 said...

James said...
"They charged Maddox with "reckeless endangerment".

defined: Reckless endangerment is a crime consisting of acts that create a substantial risk of serious physical injury to another person. The accused person isn't required to intend the resulting or potential harm, but must have acted in a way that showed a disregard for the foreseeable consequences of the actions.

I saw a lot of talk but no action."

How about driving with one hand, holding a camera, pointing it out the window, at the dash, etc. Maybe "reckless driving" is called or included under “reckless endangerment” in Alabama state law. Something about “failure of the driver to give full attention.”

Buffalo Bill said...

I too was disturbed at seeing recumbabes ribs in such a state.

Orestes Munn said...

It was upsetting, but only in a Frank Netter sense.

Buffalo Bill said...

Thanks for the link Fred, but it was the flame broiling that gave me pause. Not sure if Frank was into that sort of thing.

Bye-sickle said...


Olle Nilsson said...

Furthermore, what entitles you ...

Have to agree with Pursed Lips here; we're the ones who are entitled, not you. Suck it up and pander to our sense of entitlement for free stuff. The internet is a cruel mistress. Oh, and give us free stuff too, because ME, ME, ME!

Regular guy said...

Hope you all keep from going rump over Rumple Minze this weekend.

Ride/drink responsibly.

Anonymous said...

I pasted the quiz with flying into a ditch. That translates to all my answers were correct!
This post was so very funny today but I have no one share this rich humor with. The only people I know in 808land that read the bike snob blog are the bike shop boys. They're sort of like the pet shop boys but the only difference is that they're really men. Men in the sense that they are older not that they're emo mature.

Anonymous said...

Don't go backside over Bushmills in the ditch.

Anonymous said...

Hih, I mean, huh? Are you writing about skateboarding backside or my glutæus maximus? Who's Bushmill? Like Ditches in red states ?
I am really good at backside kick turns in tranny-ish skate park's bowls. I sort of miss skate boarding just a little though...
I love cycling too much though. If I hurt my self I rather I do it while cycling even though it is maybe more frightening! !!![ I have been hit by a SVU before& side swiped by a truck & again by a car too.] Of all the times I been hit I think the SVU was the worse! I don't want to get hurt at all, but these drivers could care less about a bicycles. The government could give a flying cyclist about all the injuries or deaths from the total apathy that runs deep, deep down in their veins. Apathy flows in the veins of vehicles. Keep pushing!

Calhoun County Sheriff said...

"Respect Mah Au-Thor-Ri-Tay!"

Anonymous said...

You really need to go fuck yourself!

Knuckle Dragger said...


Anonymous said...

You don't have to be from the south to be stupid but it is much more likely.

Consider game show idiot Pat Sajak's recent comments about environmentalists.

Reddneck said...

Whut we has here is a failure to communicate. Ya' all jest take a step back now, fill yer belly with some Jack 'n' Mountain Dew and fire both barrels into whut ever the fuck is layin' in that there ditch. Now yer talkin' turkey. Mary Sue! Shift that purdy, lazy ass of yours and git me a cold one from the fridge.

Anonymous said...

Bike snob, under no circumstances would I ever recommend only eating fruit. In my experience 6 months did not turn out well...

David Pearce said...

What I can't figure out about the Keith Maddox ranting video is sophisticated city-slicker Hollywood film quality main title (I can't do the perfect centering he did here):


Especially considering his repetitive, misspelled apology, I just can't get my mind around the main title perfection. I'm almost thinking maybe he was just putting on a persona, but that final yell at the end:

"God, I hate bicycles!!"

sounds pretty damn realistic.

Anyway, thanks Wildcat for all your great degreasing and repacking the culture!

Anonymous said...

meanwhile in Minnesota:
Carjacker near Princeton lures victim by faking injury in bicycle mishap


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