Thursday, May 22, 2014

It's All In Your Head: The Future of Helments Is Nown!



("This pen smells like ass."--William Shakespeare)

Way back in 1590, William Shakespeare started the helment debate in his play, "The Training of the Fred," when the titular character uttered his now-famous soliloquy:

"Helments.  To wear or not to wear?  Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to don a bulbous foamy brain-bucket, or to forego the overpriced beer cooler and let thine pate shine heavenward..."

It rages to this day.

But let's set the debate part aside for the moment and instead focus on the helments themselves.  For thousands of years, bicycle helments remained unchanged, from the one worn by Spartacus in the first century BC:


To the one worn by Spartacus in the 21st century AD:



Sure, they may look a little different, but wind tunnel tests confirm that the Spartacus BC helment is in fact slightly more aerodynamic.

However, in recent years this has changed, and thanks to technology and computers and electronics and stuff humankind is now witnessing helment innovation for the first time since a caveman had the brilliant idea to strap an armadillo to his head before riding his pet dinosaur.  Granted, almost all of this innovation is utterly useless and patently ridiculous, but nevertheless it exists, and therefore it's about time some bike blogger undertook a comprehensive survey of the futuristic helment technology available to cyclists today--and I is those bloggers:


("I'm Spartacus!")

So let's begin.  After this commercial message:


I have a recurring nightmare in which a group of robotic triathletes emerge from a German luxury car and pursue me, and I was utterly horrified to discover that it's actually been put to video.

Now let's begin.

The first futuristic helment in my definitive guide is the so-called MindReader, as forwarded by a reader, which purports to do exactly what its name suggests:



At first, I was skeptical.  Why do I need a helment that can read my mood while I'm riding my bicycle?  Not only do I already have this information, but so does everyone else around me when I give them the finger.  Also, what's the point of this?

In the coming weeks we're going to put a bunch of MindRiders on our friends and bike the streets of Manhattan, where we'll be developing a psycho-geographic map of the city.

Psycho-geographic map?!?  Whatever.  I've already completed the same project, and all I needed was a pen and a pad.  Basically, I just rode around Manhattan and stopped every few blocks to take note of how I felt.  Here's the result, which I subsequently paid a graphic design firm $30,000 to digitize:


Back in the 20th century the area around Times Square might have read "mildly aroused," but those days are long gone.

Nevertheless, I kind of wanted one of these helments anyway, because I thought it would be fun to wear while watching TV.  So I visited the website:


My first reaction was to point out that I already let my brain express itself with my mouth, but then I realized that the MindReader effectively bypasses your super-ego and is pure, unalloyed id distilled into three colors: red, yellow and green.  Then it hit me:

It's only a matter of time before the streets are taken over by self-driving cars.  However, there still won't be any self-riding bicycles.  So, what will happen is that they (it's always "they") will make MindRider helments mandatory, and as soon as your little mood light turns red you'll be pulled over by the Thought Police who will bring you to a rider reeducation camp, where they will fit you with a device they call the "Happy Helment:"


(What happens in Room 101 stays in Room 101.)

Your light will stay green and you'll be a good little cyclist after that, believe me.

And as for the "psycho-geographic map," the red is where the proles live:


Brooklyn is at war with Portland.  Brooklyn has always been at war with Portland.

And so forth.

Needless to say, I signed myself up for a test helment:


I can't wait for my helment to confirm that I hope the driver who just cut me off crashes into a lamppost, and that his airbag malfunctions and somehow forces him into the act of autofellatio.

The next helment in my survey is the LifeBeam SMART helment, which measures your heart rate:

Monitor your heart-rate without using a chest strap while riding.

The world's first cycling helmet that continuously measures your heart-rate without using a chest strap. SMART uses electro-optical technology to continuously measure your heart-rate. The optical sensor is placed on the helmet's front, gently touching your forehead. The sensor samples the blood pulse in a high frequency and transmits a raw signal to the processing unit, which is placed in the helmet back.

Assuming you give a shit what your heart rate is or need confirmation that you're still alive while cycling, you may be wondering what happens if you decide to wear a hat under it.  Do the sensors still work?

Well, probably not.

But LifeBeam has that covered, because now there's the Sports Headband!


Just have your local tailor sew one of these into every one of your cycling hats.  See that?  Much better than a chest strap.

Okay, so now you have a helment that confirms you're still alive.  But what if you've crashed, and the life is slowly draining out of you?  Well, if you're wearing a helment it's extremely unlikely this will happen, because nothing bad ever happens to people wearing helments.  Even so, better safe than sorry, so here's ICEdot, the helment that will alert others if you go ass over tea kettle, scranus over coffee maker, vulvanus over French press, or whatever your preferred body part/beverage maker metaphor combo may be:



I've mentioned the ICEdot before, but I can't be bothered to look up where or when, so instead I'll just point out the following: A popular cyclocross star like Jeremy Powers probably has lots of friends--so many that he can program his ICEdot helment to send texts to his ten (10) closest pals in the unlikely event that his awesome skillz fail him and he goes ballsack over soda fountain machine on his next training ride.

But what about the rest of us?  If you're a cyclist odds are you have few friends as it is, and if you're riding alone, well it's probably because you don't have any friends, so it's totally not viable.  Take this guy I know who's not me.  He doesn't really work per se, he mostly just goofs off on the Internet.  He also has no friends, because nobody can stand him, so his riding basically consists of knocking around behind shopping malls in the middle of the week.  Now let's say this guy gets an ICEdot helment and he crashes, which he's bound to do because he sucks so bad.  Then the ICEdot goes into his phone's contacts, but because he's such a loser the only contact in his phone is his wife, and he's not even supposed to be riding, he's supposed to clean the house before she gets home because what the hell does he even do all day?   So basically he's in pain and he's in trouble.

Thanks for nothing, ICEdot.

Of course, when you're talking about helments it's easy to get carried away by the safety aspect, but what good is being safe if you don't know where you're going?  Here's a helment that purports to keep you both safe and oriented, which I'm also sure I've mentioned before at some point but can't be bothered to verify:



Yep, a helment that warns you with bright lights when you venture outside of the gentrified parts of town.  It had to happen.

And lastly but certainly not leastly (as far as helments go anyway), don't forget the helment that goes pee-pee on your head:


All that's left is a helment that feeds you while you ride, but I expect the Kickstarter to launch any day now.

And now lastly lastly, here's a video to which I was alerted by Stevil Kinevil:



If that guy had a MindReader helment, the "Fucking Moron" light would be strobing like crazy.

122 comments:

Kenny Banya said...

scranus

Kenny Banya said...

Gold bitches

Yeah Cleveland! said...

Nothing to say...

BamaPhred said...

Why do I even try?

Newt said...

Well, I do wear a helmet [but a "skater's" version, rather than a cyclist's helmet...

grog said...

topus tenus

pavel m. said...

WU TANG IS FOREVER

Flyover BC said...

top ten

Anonymous said...

PODI... late again.

Comment deleted said...

This comment smells like ass.

dcee604 said...

Need a new helment!

Anonymous said...

Too many oblique impacts.

le Correcteur said...

So I go to the post office, and in the meantime, up it goes, and sprint sprint sprint, and I'm only in the top 20. Sucks.

chief ccubta, i effing deed!

Anonymous said...

pack finish!!!

3G said...

vulvanus over French press had me spitting my coffee all over my keyboard. Hysterical.

And that bit about ICEdot and getting in trouble...fucking a. I was dyin'.

GOLD SNOBBY! GOLD!

Anonymous said...

Scranus!
Guys, my work Internet blocked bikesnobnyc. The block page says:
"The WebSense category is filtered: Abused Drugs"
What?!?

Comment deleted said...

Hlemenent heart-rate monitors are an excellent idea. That way, when you go into arrest, you have a few seconds to unclip, thus avoiding a potentially painful fall.

Anonymous said...

Top XX ??

Roille Figners said...

If it were a cool-looking first-century Spartacus healemenette I might actually wear one.

Except naaah.

Flyover BC said...

the Spartacus BC helment is in fact slightly more aerodynamic.

Not counting cross winds, and it requires regular shampooing, conditioning, followed by blowing drying and a generous application of gel.

Of id mention Brasso. No fred in the old Spartacus helment can leave the house without a regular polishing.

Anonymous said...

Cock over diet Coke?
Man-muscle over macchiato?
Clitoris over cocktail?
Balls over Bouillabaisse?
Labia over latte?

(yeah, too much alliteration)

Anonymous said...

and there was that time

Anonymous said...

22 already !?!?! This blog smells like ass !!

vsk

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

As an added bonus the Spartacus BC rider could use his helment to brush off the dried blood and other detritus from his mount and the soles of his shoes once back to camp.

Comment deleted said...

"Lookey hyar. GOD I hate bicyles!"

I don't blame the man at all. A fine upstanding citizen on his way to his Nobel Prize-winning work at the par-ti-cule accelerat-y-er, and he has to wait for up to five seconds to pass the goddamn freds.

If only it were required to spell the word "truck" before getting a license to drive one.

Marcel Da Chump said...

You rode my mind.

BamaPhred said...

Something smells like ass, and his name is Keith Maddox.

James said...

Shakespeare looks strangely like Mike Shinoda of Linkin Park
http://www1.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Mike+Shinoda+Linkin+Park+Press+Conference+oI_7C_S_zlKl.jpg

Anonymous said...

Snob, it's time to coin a new euphemism. I suggest you consider "sporting a hard-on" to be the proper description of a helment-wearing Fred.

grog said...

ballsack over beertap
Keith needs a helment
Son of a bitch ends
up in a ditch

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...i'm also egraged.

Regular guy said...

Becky Stein gets my "20th century Times Square" on.

I love women who don't let the fact that their ideas are childish and useless get in the way of getting in front of a camera.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I need a helment with those eyelid keeper-openers like on Clockwork Orange because I get so comfortable on my recumbent bike maybe they would keep me from drifting off into a relaxing slumber.

Vernal Magina said...

ICEdot...

all I see is, "I see idiot"

DB said...

Hey, McFly:
Do you know that guy in the truck?

Albiracer said...

L-id

Anonymous said...

What about the no-helment air bag?
http://www.today.com/video/today/53563167#53563167

Anonymous said...

I have longed, nay, pined, to be able to use these two words in a sentence: "...when the titular character uttered his now-famous soliloquy ..."

I am so damn hard right now there's not enough skin left to blink!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Serial Retrogrouch, congratulations on your engagement.

Anonymous said...

I like the idea of psycho-graphic mapping. But I think there would be too many mood related variables (bad night's sleep, hung-over, horny) making the compiled data impossible to read.

Or in someone like Snob's case, since he's always in some irritated state, what difference would it make where he is, what time of day it is, or whether he's riding a bike or not?

wishiwasmerckx said...

The helmet heart rate monitor is not the worst idea I ever heard, but anything that adds weight to the helmet adds stress to the neck shoulder muscles, and I have never heard of anybody crashing and destroying their chest strap. Now, crashing and destroying their helmet, that's a different story.

I am starting up a kickstarter campaign to fund a heart rate monitor that transmits remotely to the Hyundai which I am leasing.

DB said...

RetroGrouch is engaged? We need to start planning the bachelor party.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:59pm,

Yeah, it seems like a lot of work to figure out something everyone already knows, which is New York City is full of people who are tired and irritable.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

DB said...

Let's have a bachelor party! With chicks, and guns, and fire trucks, and hookers, and drugs, and booze!

Regular guy said...

Anon @2:39, which two words you talkin' about?

Titular has a somewhat arousing sound to it, tinny as it is. Other than that, I don't see anything to get worked up about, unless you misspelled udder.

McFly said...

Thats my Pa. He is drunk on the corn liquor again. Bail money is in the coffee can on top of the fridge.
Taint over coffee can! Were those targets hanging off the lil Asian girls ears.

I hope they were targets.

JLRB said...

I enjoyed today's whimsical post about helmeats, until I viewed the last video. I do not like reality.

Can't we all just get along? ((((NO))))

sum bitch
ina ditch
chaw 'n twitch

Anonymous said...

Here are the two words I've been longing to use in a sentence: I'll have the bacon cheeseburger with tater tots and hold the lettuce no on second thought keep the lettuce and add extra onions and also a Coke or Pepsi or whatever you have is fine."

Anonymous said...

F O A D
-my go to feeling.





I am not robot '13'
That's it?! '13' I usually have to try three times to get the stupidcaptcha right.

Roille Figners said...

Retrogrouch is egraged. Sounds like it might mean egregiously enraged, which is how I sometimes get - just ask my healemenette-mounted emotion-detector.

Fred of the Sea said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Regular guy said...

Anon @3:33

If you slur it all together, with a hiccup or belch between lettuce and on, I see what you mean.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...wishiwasmerckx

...that was meant to say 'engraged', as shown on the WRM's map of horror over manhattan...

...i am not engaged.... Oh, lawd no... am trying to get a divorce and can't seem to do it quick enough, or cheap enough.

...i'm leaving the marriage for the gays.

Fred of the Sea said...

The optical pulse reader helmet could easily detect your O2 saturation and tell you when you were really about to Fredgasm on a climb. …or when you have a pneumothorax from going perineum over Soda Stream® or being given the "brursh" by a hate-crazed montagnard.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...DB, we can definitely have a bachelor party... only to celebrate true bachelorhood. and yes, guns and bitches welcome, but both must wear the helment.

Anonymous said...

With the navigation light up helmet, and the light up bikes5 we are going to look like we are riding Tron light cycles. Coooooooooool I am totally set for Halloween.

The Gays said...

Serial Retro - you are leaving your wife to join us? One of us one of us one of us

Magic Johnson said...

Always, always, always wear a "helmet" when bachelor partying

McFly said...

If you crash without a healmeant on there is a 78% greater chance you will get early on-set Alzheimers.

Which is the perfect crime because you will not remember how you got it.

DB said...

Okay, RetroG:
I'll back off from making plans, but let us know when you are ready.

Anonymous said...

"to sleep, perchance to …fuck", what kind of blog is this?

babble on said...

Clitoris over Keg!

DB- He's ready. We could all do with a good party right about now, really.

Mmmmm sausage. There's a good woody word for you.

Anonymous said...

big cunt over tea kettle

Spokey said...

two gold posts in a row

glad to see snobby is out of the winter dum dums

need an early quiz on the morrow.


robots gnooms can

JLRB said...

So it's back to the 70's but now it is mood helmeats instead of mood rings

JLRB said...

Actually, if a kickstarter could create a light on tops of cars that uses colorways to tell me if the driver is: (1) preoccupied (phone, cheeseburger, self-fondling); (2) drunk/stoned; (3) old and shaky; (4)young and dumb; (5) an anti-bike redneck/self-important banker/other moron likely to intentionally "run me indaditch" etc.

I'd buy in

Amber Alert said...

Dark blue: Happy, romantic or passionate
Blue: Calm or relaxed
Blue-green: Somewhat relaxed
Green: Normal or average
Amber: A little nervous or anxious
Gray: Very nervous or anxious
Black: Stressed, tense or feeling harried

Roille Figners said...

JLRB - They have an auditory system for that: it's called an "engine." If you hear the "engine" then you can assume one of those things you mention.

Spokey said...


I've already started a pet helment kickstarter project

comes in an artisanal box accompanied by a birth certificate and optional certificates of authenticity and parentage. The $563,592.42 will provide initial funding for shoprite bag artisan package wrapping, stamps, and labor costs incurred by my several grandchildren (plus kickbacks to their mother).



robot was drunk and dratedra after quaffing several rye & gingers.


Serial Retrogrouch said...

...DB, Babs, et al...

...I'll make all the plans for the party, no joke... when the divorce papers are finally signed, backyard bacchanal chez moi.

...fire pit and [beikin' movie] film screening, too.

...hell, even the gays are invited.

...date TBA.

DB said...

Thanks, Grouch.
I was thinking the Javits Center, but your backyard sounds better.

BamaPhred said...

MOTHER MARY AND ALL THE SAINTS! This Keith Maddox lives in Piedmont, Alabama. And the police are quite aware of his threats. Means nothing to most of you but its a rather decent rural bikeen area and I like to ride there. I have to load up the not so smugness F150 to get there, but... The Sunny King Crit, the Cheaha Challange Gran Fondo, etc are run in this area. Believe it or not, folks like this are getting harder to find, thank Lob. Ride safe this holiday weekend and if you can't be safe, well at least be sanitary!

Reminds me of "ndualln larvae"

Anonymous said...

I'm no professional, but it seems like keith Maddox might have mental problems.

Roille Figners said...

Or maybe he just sucks Mad dix. (Apologies to The Gays.)

There used to be a band called The Gays... so like, you might try out to "join The Gays" or you might be in another band that "played with The Gays" or you might "open for The Gays" or four people were "in The Gays."

Good times.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...or, i'm really into The Gays.

Roille Figners said...

Exactly!

DB said...

Grouch:
Are you in NoCal?
May have to rent the Moscone Center.
Or Centre for our Canadian friends.

ge said...

This helment is making me sweaty.

GAWD i hate buy-cyk-els

Anonymous said...

Snob, what's the name of that bike rear mount camera thingy again? If I was that company I would stand on that street where Mr. Maddox takes his morning commute and pass them out to every cyclist. Sooner or later one of those cameras will catch Keith in the act. Keith gets removed from the equation and the camera company has advertising gold.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...DB, no... i'm near the hilpster epicenter of new york... i cross the old shanty every day.

...been to NoCal... i wish i was beikin there right about now.

how about you?

Anonymous said...

Replace the word "bicyclists" with "liberals" and that's pretty much the dialog running in a loop in my mind.

Oh, and make it a French accent instead of a southern twang just because when it's said with a French accent it sounds so much better.

Nothing but robot numbers today

ce said...

In that video I saw one antisocial, homicidal maniac. I also saw four antisocial, suicidal maniacs. Well, maybe three, the second rider looked to be putting in a little bit of effort to share the road.

It is a really shitty situation that bikes have to share the lane with cars, ideally every public thoroughfare should have dedicated, preferably completely separated bicycle lanes. But that is not going to happen anytime soon, so we have to make the best of the reality. The reality is that we have a very reasonable right to travel along public thoroughfare by bicycle, but the reality is also that bicycle and motor vehicle are completely incompatible due to how fucking slow bicycles are and the vulnerability of the rider. The only way to make the situation reasonable is if both parties get the fuck out of each other's way. Just because those cyclists were acting lawfully doesn't mean they weren't being inconsiderate assholes who are contributing to the shitty situation.

Cyclists are entitled to travel safely along public thoroughfares , but just because bicycles are associated with recreation and enjoyment, it doesn't mean that you are entitled to a carefree and enjoyable ride along that public thoroughfare. When motor vehicle and bicycle come into proximity of each other we expect the motorist to show an extra level of caution and provide a safe buffer as they pass. Well, the flip side of the coin is that cyclists should be doing the likewise, and if there is a constant stream of traffic, well they should be cautiously hugging the line and creating as much buffer as possible the whole shitty time.

Now get over in the internet equivalent of the ditch!

Oh wait, we're already there.

DB said...

Grouch:
Illinois.
Javits Center it is.
I'll be in NYC in July to do the Brooklyn Bridge Swim. Have a beer with Mikeweb and me in Brooklyn?

Anonymous said...

Keith Maddox's Facebook page is public and it's every bit as sad and psycho as that video clip:

https://www.facebook.com/keith.maddox.90?fref=ts

Ugh.

Anonymous said...

Keith Maddox arrested and charged with reckless endangerment: http://www.annistonstar.com/news/article_752b90ae-e203-11e3-beed-001a4bcf887a.html

Spokey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Spokey said...

grouch

for the price of libation, you might be able to get the prez of the park slope civic concil and a member of the board of directors of the brooklyn greenway initiative.

Then you can write it off as a 503 c(3) deduction. And this is no Robs Fords, cousin mikey actually rides bieks and shit.




robo says the post today was really mifevta parallel

Willy Nilly said...

Alas poor Yorick! I knew him well. If he hath donned a helmet then this skull might now be more well fleshed.

Willy Nilly said...

Alas poor Yorick! I knew him well. If he hath donned a helmet then this skull might now be more well fleshed.

Willy Nilly said...

Double, double. My post's in trouble.

JLRB said...

Rollie - Got it - electric vehicles are my friend. ...Seasons don't fear the Leaf(er)

ge said...

Wait, let me get this straight. In Alabama you get charged for making a YouTube video making veiled threats, but in NYC you can carry them out with impunity? And this isn't even the bizzaro universe. Or is it?

Anonymous said...

I'm Spartacus, and so's my wife.

RM smellyBacon said...

Epididymis over draft tower.

McFly said...

I imagine the ICEdot would do very well in the Greater Piedmont Alabama area. You could tally the accidents and chart the data and it would line up perfectly with Ol' Keiths' work commute. Or his B-Double-E-Double-R-UNS.

JLRB said...

CE - Too much reality. Get. Off. of. my. Cloud.

Fred Clydesdale said...

while watching the mindrider video, my own mind kept returning to a question i've pondered for years: why are the beautiful ones always insane?

DB said...

Leading out WIWM.

balls™ said...

sausage over snow-cone?

balls over Budweiser?
(no, I wouldn't even put my balls in a bud)

JLRB said...

OK - I'll take the 100

leroy said...

My dog insisted I post: "Dalmatians!" to commemorate the 101st position.

I'll do that, but no way am I trying that electric shock therapy helmet he fashioned from a colander, jumper cables, and a Prius battery.

He can lend it Mr. Maddox in Alabama as community service.

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

There's a bike and gays in this video:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=MYSVMgRr6pw

Anonymous said...

On a totally unrelated note, this is looking like the year of the break with all these unexpected successes in the Giro and the Tour of California. Lots of exciting wins in store in the TDF? Discuss.

disJLRB said...

Discuss

Disgust

Distrust

Distruck

Distraught

Dispretzel

Disthirsty

Anonymous said...

Oh, yeah, I remember now why I stopped reading this blog. Same bullshit as when I stopped reading two years ago. Cars and helmets. Like we hadn't noticed.
P.S.--just mispeling the word don't maike it funy just anoiing.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 11:24am,

Thanks for coming back and leaving the 105th comment though.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

babble on said...

ge- I think he mighta done more than just threaten. He actually ran the last guy off the road.

ce- hugging the line is NOT safe. It is perfectly reasonable to slow down a little bit till you can safely pass a slower moving vehicle. Fer fuck sake, as a driver you are in a car, moving at impossible speed thanks to the rotting flesh of a few million dinosaurs. I am ok with bike-free highways where cars can go as fast as they like, but where bikes share the road, cars should go slower.

With respect.

Gotta run.

Flyover BC said...

BSNYC... always watching never blinking.

Actually, "helment" is perfect. Just like my brother's ex (from Brooklyn) pronounced it, "hell-mint".

I'd appreciate more puns. If you can work them in.

JLRB said...

Don't knock scratching your ass with a quill pen until you've tried it. After you try it, knock away.

Anonymous said...

Helments and cars
Cars and Helments
Scars and shellmets
cellmates and stars

2 years
asshole still
opinions smell
like pens

McFly said...

ROADS TO AVOID IN THE RURAL SOUTH = 2 LANES w/NO SHOULDER AND A %% MPH SPEED LIMIT. I got buzzed the other day on one by a driver WITH A BIKE RACK.

McFly said...

[Do not press the shift key when typing 55]

Anonymous said...

Haha, you said %%.

barbara bush said...

opinions are like assholes...everybody has one

McFly said...

Anon 11:24,

You really should check in more often. There was an anal phase with pegging and everything. You may know all about it since something seems to be your ass. TGIF!!!!

Sammy Hagar said...

I can't drive %%

ge said...

Babs, by no means defending the guy, but I only saw him crack open the throttle and speed by him. Unfortunately, the IT police at work won't let me have a browser from this century, so the article isn't loading - headline says he was charged with threats. Damn phone won't load it either. I don't even play a lawyer on TV, but on the internet any thing goes, so - seems to me he'd be charged with assault if he ran him off the road.

babble on said...

You're probably right. But I got the impression something happened which caused the cyclist distress the last time round, simply because of how chuffed he was...

WORD SUCK said...

... a group of robotic triathletes emerge..."

A group... emerges.

The lies surge.
Ick, ACID!

Gerry Krout said...

Did Jan Hammer write the music for the Mercedes Benz Football MILF/Triathlon Wanker minivan advertisement?

I wouldn't mind one of those.

Anonymous said...

"This pen smells like ass".
Funny. But if it were Shakespeare, wouldn't it be something like:
"This quill reeks of arse"
?