Monday, February 3, 2014

It's Snowing All Over My Will To Live.

I live in a harsh urban environment:


We're having another snowstorm today.  It's quaint as fuck around these parts when it snows but I've had about enough of it.  I suppose this is "god" or the "universe" or "karma" punishing me for mocking fat bikes.  YES, I WISH I HAD A FAT BIKE, OKAY?  Now shut up, you stupid "god."  Nobody likes a know-it-all.  (That's called "omniscience," by the way.  I went to a college.)

To top it all off, Staten Island Chuck, the weather-forecasting groundhog, saw a shadow of his hibernation boner, which means we're going to have six more weeks of winter:


("I'll throw you off this fucking balcony," Di Blasio says to Chuck in his best Staten Islandese, as the groundhog wangler tries to grab the furry beast by the wang.)

Meanwhile, we're getting snowed on again, yet the football dickwads had a beautiful, freakishly warm 50-degree days yesterday for their Moron Bowl.  For the most part my life was unaffected by the aforementioned Bowl, the New York City area being gigantic enough to absorb and buffer even the largest displays of douchebaggery, though thanks to Twitter news about the event managed to seep into my consciousness anyway, which is how I learned about that Bob Dylan Chrysler commercial.  Basically, they show all the stuff that makes America suck:


Then, Bob Dylan--yes, Bob Dylan--basically says that the Asians should stick to making cellphones, and that America's future lies in automobile manufacturing, presumably because it's been working out so well for us all these years.  Anyway, I'd link to the ad, but it's NSFW.  I mean, there's no sex in it, but listening to Bob Dylan tickle Chrysler's balls is more offensive than a hundred orifices being penetrated by a thousand dongs.

Also, he leaves out the part about how Chrysler is wholly owned by Fiat.

USA!

In other news of people in stretchy clothes competing in front of drunk people, this past weekend the World Championships of Cyclocross-Style Bicycle Racing took place in Hoogerheide, Netherlands, and it did not look like this:


I think it's cute that the popularity of cyclocross in America is still in that stage where nobody's cynical about it yet, even though it's completely dominated by people from the Low Countries and central Europe who are clearly on all kinds of awesome performance-enhancing drugs.  It's so bad the UCI are checking for motors in the bikes, apparently because Danilo Di Luca said they should:


The UCI checked the bikes of the first three of the world championships in Hoogerheide for mechanical doping. UCI officials removed the saddles from the bikes and used a camera to check inside the seat posts for the presence of motors, Het Nieuwsblad reports. No motors were found.

Hey, look, it may seem far-fetched, but you can't put anything past these people.  When it comes to making a living and providing for a family, many cyclists will stop at nothing--including selling their significant others' breastmilk to supplement their messenger income:


Mothers Milk is a comedy feature about a bike messenger who starts a business marketing his girlfriend's breastmilk to gourmet foodies.

Oh, please.  Here in New York City human breast milk is sooo 2010:


Angerer's wife supplied two quarts of of breast milk to create small samples of a creation he calls Mommy's Milk cheese.

Frankly, any self-respecting New Yorker would be embarrassed to eat anything so dated--though afterbirth is quite fashoinable now, and I hear the wait for brunch at The Placentary in Brooklyn is topping three hours these days:


("Taste familiar, son?"  Young family enjoying the "apr├Ęs naissance" at The Placentary)

Brooklyn used to be affordable and down-to-earth, but now it's all gone to the One Placentas, which is why there are so many homeless people.  But not for long!  We're actually only $10,000 from solving the homelessness crisis forever, because a great humanitarian has come up with the brilliant idea of housing them in recumbents:



In the fall of 2008, I watched a tv news report about the homeless in NYC who were given, grocery karts that had a tent built into it, allowing the homeless to have a better shelter, than the street or cardboard box.  I thought to myself, that while that was nice, they still had to be outside in the weather to move it around.  There must be a better way.  So I came up with the idea of having the tent or shelter be moved by human power from inside, using bicycle power to steer and move the unit.  This solves the problem of the owner being open to the weather, yet allows them to store their material goods, food, personal belongings, and sleeping bed all at the same time.  I knew this could work, so I started looking to see if this had ever been done before.  Surprisingly it had not.  Secondly I saw a huge multi use platform for many other  uses.  A high end model design could be used to travel long distances, for touring, living, and local shopping.   Delivery of small packages, in large cities, could be used, and even an electric unit could be made for hilly areas.  The potential is huge.  Help me make this idea come rue. 

Plus, they've already got the beards, so it's like a total no-brainer.

95 comments:

ken e. said...

pode!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

cold

ken e. said...

and for the record...

weed!

Flyover bc said...

top ten

Anonymous said...

Podium

bike dude said...

top ten douchebags

Spokey said...

woo-hoo! top 10!






28389483 2830

Anonymous said...

I want to lick your sweaty scranus

Roille Figners said...

HURRY, EAT THE NEIGHBORS!

theEel said...

weed.

Neil said...

time to buy some skis....

babble on said...

Happy Monday! :D

OMG a thousand dongs??! I think we saw the same show this weekend!

FR8 said...

BSNYC,

One Placentas! - Classic wit.

The Brompton was not designed for this weather.

Roille Figners said...

"Help me make this idea come rue?" Babs already did that.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Highway 61 Regurgitated

samh said...

I wrote Surly an email requesting they send you a fatbike a couple weeks ago but they said 'sorry, no'. Maybe you'll have better luck with getting one from the Great Trek Bicycle Making Company of Wisconsin, RMTS.

Anonymous said...

I demand that the politicians do something about all this snow and global cooling we are suffering.

David said...

The motor was in the saddle.

Anonymous said...

I hear you about the creepy Dylan ad… unmasked and eponymous. Plus, he bore an uncanny resemblance to Ms. Dorothy Rabinowitz.

DB said...

The Comment of the Day is an early one:
One Placentas. Hilarious.
Wait. Can Snob win COD, or does it need to be a reader? I'm thinking it needs to be a reader, so, carry on.

crosspalms said...

My new diet plan is to read this post right before lunch.

Buffalo Bill said...

No brains, no placenta, no service.

Spokey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
streepo said...

That Dylan commercial made me feel very un-placenta.

mikeweb said...

My motor is in my scranus.

Lady friend has no complaints.

Notsosanta Klaus said...

The Moron Bowl showed, the weed in Seattle/Washington is sooo much better, than the weed in Denver/Colorado…… or isn’t it……just relax.

streepo said...

scranus

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

That's a lovely shot of the winter woods. Now can we see some boobs please.

Spokey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Roille Figners said...

I buried the placenta in the back yard like you're supposed to. But if we were starving I totally would've eaten that shit. Who am I to refuse all that protein? BLAAARGH I'm making myself a bit sick.

Spokey said...

Here in Snobs scranus over the river in god's country, I'm proud to say I didn't see a minute of the stupid ball. To the best of my knowledge I haven't seen any of the commercials either.

I'm pretty sure that spousy watched it but was afraid to get close enough to be sure.

long live dr who reruns




robot ictudedi orifice 999 more and we have a match

Anonymous said...

Praise LOB that Seattle won the Stupor Bowl. I suspect that BSNYC was cheering for the Legion Of Boom or LOB.

82 medici said...

I would like to give the recumbent kickstarter $5 so he could buy a copy of "The Elements of Style," but then I would have to do so for all the other kickstarters as well. Does anyone want to contribute to this fund?

JLRB said...

One of the links in today's blog led me to Lara Stone

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...i'm starting a cafe... to be opened right when the placentary in brooklyn declines... the milk is from only the first batch directly after child birth.

...lady gives birth, they take away the bastard child, i put a pump on both breasts. only the rarest of the rare... the milk de la milk, if you will.

JLRB said...

82 medici @ 1:29

You should definitely misspell a kickstarter to get that going

Spokey said...

SR

great idea

but isn't cold pressed virgin breast milk a bit of an oxymoron? Some other kind of moron?


considered hbearea

Robert Zimmerman said...

advertising signs that CON
you into thinking you're the ONE
that can do what's never been DONE
that can win what's never been WON
meantime life outside goes ....

....oh , well, never mind

Inigo said...

Fezzik? Is that you?

Bama Phred said...

I didn't see a single ground hog Sunday morning. Don't know what to think. Apparently the NYC mayor thinks you are supposed to dribble the wretched beast. Scranus.

McFly said...

When lil man was borned the nurse slid the placenta/after birth under the hospital bed. I politely mentioned 6 to 8 hours later it was still under there. Had no idea it was a delicacy.

Anonymous said...

The homeless recumbent shelter video had the word 'HEALTHY' pop up. Because homeless people who eat out of trash cans are worried about their health. This portable pedal-powered shelter will help them.

Let me squeeze right in there said...

"a hundred orifices being penetrated by a thousand dongs"

I've watched my share of porn and am also educated by a college, and that in my estimation that would require a minimum of dekapenetration? However, I agree it would not be offensive, at least not at first, due to the sheer amazement...

Anonymous said...

Imagine 5,000 to 10,000 recumbent rv's given to homeless people in NYC. Your bike lanes would be revoked/undone/disappeared within hours.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

ferchissake,
instead of begging for money on kickstarter, just sell your wife's breast milk!

JLRB said...

Dylan is on board with the homeless-recumb-tenement-on-wheels, as long as it's made in M-E-R-I-C-A

Serial Retrogrouch said...

..Anon 1:49,

...the video also show that living in a recumbent is "DIGNITY LIVING".

...I think the homeless would be more apt to accept the health benefits of riding a bent before they'll accept the dignity of being seen in one, instead of sleeping in a cardboard box.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...Spokey,

...you just gave me a better idea... yes, the first batch of breast milk from the first born of a virgin lass.

...thanks.

DB said...

That's what I call a good pour.

Astonished Commenter DaddoOne said...

nooooooo!!!!!

http://nymag.com/news/features/placenta-2011-8/

Anonymous said...

Is that curbside playpen at The Brunchery here in NY / Brooklyn? I guess the fucktards really have taken over.

Jeez, where the fuck is a native New Yorker to move/live.

Anonymous said...

I've got something cheaper than a recumbent to fix the "homeless problem."

Collecting recycling materials is a legitimate path to upward mobility. Really. You heard it nationally on NPR.

If only the homeless weren't so lazy, they'd all be living in Williamsburg brownstones right now.

Anonymous said...

Would these assholes leave the poor groundhogs alone already for christsakes.

fezzick said...

Look what I found—four white horses, and I figured there are four of us…if we ever found the Lady. Hello, Lady!

JLRB said...

Daddo One @2:06

I think I'd rather listen to Bob Dylan and Clint Eastwood sell cars than ever ever ever see that article again

bob said...

The, "Bum RV"!!! It's Genius! I can already see pods of them gathered at night on the edge of town and in city parks.

Dooth said...

Fathers Cheese will be the sequel to Mothers Milk.

babble on said...

The music for that homeless-bent video is very pink panther-ish. I am almost embarrassed to admit that I like it.

This very small brain is still stuck on thousands of dongs though. Huh. Looks like I'll be here a while... you'd better go on ahead without me. :)

1 Placenta said...

Yes. give the homeless "dignity mobile outhouses"!

babble on said...

++ for the title.
Poor snobbers. So... is the snow melting between storms, or do you have a hardpack? Cause mountain bikes are still pretty sweet on snow, y'know. They're fit fat.

Anonymous said...

Being one of those losers who is unfortunate enough to live within an easy bike ride to work, maybe my family and I should ditch the house for three of those "bike RV's". Then we could sleep in the park across from work. We don't really deserve a house since we don't have a car to park in the garage.

Anonymous said...

Di Luca said he have see motors. They are not in the seatube. Look inside the bb. Duh. They go on with a timer. Not something you can use for a cx or xc race.
Marianne Vos and the top two male elite did not need a motor since they took an overdose oversized Bomba.

Spokey said...

babs;

hasn't even stopped snowing yet. We're at about 8 inches today on top of whatever was already there (probably nothing for snobs). Around we're all doing the tour de basement.




I shall teivisio tonight with some rum and coke

Anonymous said...

And look at racers tweets etc... Especially the u23... When they refer to somebody as an extraterrestrial or similar... You know what it means. Frankly Marianne vos disgusted me the other day.

Calvin Channell said...

Bob Dylan sold out to "the Man" - never thought I'd see the day.

CommieCanuck said...

Factoid: Staten Island Chuck is only 39% accurate for weather prediction, which means he's twice at good at predicting future trends than anyone on Wall Street.
Predictive rodents are all the rage now. Poughkeepsie Carl is a rat that can predict polar vortexes, Athol Arthur is a squirrel than can predict the next Nicholas Cage movie reviews (he shits green), and Newark Nibbles is a hamster that can predict the location of Richard Gere within 100 feet, anywhere in the state.

Anonymous said...

Hey Commie,

You are clearly North America's expert on rodent prognostication. What sort or prediction can you get from Betty the Beaver?

DB said...

And the winner is Commie!

Thank you to all of today's contestants.

Anonymous said...

hey Spokey (@3:49),
If you tell Babs you're at 8 inches (and growing?) she might buy you a ticket to come visit.






Yeah, that was intended.

CommieCanuck said...

***Rob Ford News***Rob Ford News***R

A book is being released this week, "Crazy Town" the Rob Ford Story.

Great stories, fully documented, on how this right-wing Family Man (TM), promised to give up pills to his wife, "but not the blow". Over 20 domestic disturbance calls to his house before he was Mayor, including one where he was drunk and tried to drive his three small kids to the airport for a trip to Florida. He shoulda used a Bakefeits. Too bad he ripped up all those bike lanes.

To recap:
Crack smoker
Pill popper
Cokehead
Pothead
Drunk (in Vancouver)
Wife Beater
Drunk driver
Hooker John
Fat fuck
Jail yard beating orderer
jaywalker (again in Vancouver)
bike hater
"orientals" hater
Jamaican hater
Mayor


I think Babble corrupted him in Vancouver this weekend.

mikeweb said...

CC,

It's rumored that Newark Nibbles has siblings that can also predict the locations of Tom Cruise and John Travolta. The key is their high thetan levels.

CommieCanuck said...

Also , sad to hear about Philip Seymour Hoffman, but rumors are that this method actor was just getting into his next role as lead in the Rob Ford movie.

(too soon?)

CommieCanuck said...

You are clearly North America's expert on rodent prognostication. What sort or prediction can you get from Betty the Beaver?

Sadly, a dry spring, as modern beaver predictions have been tainted by the current fashion of lack of five o-clock shadows due to obsessive grooming.

CommieCanuck said...

This is what thetan means.

Spokey said...

anon @ t 4:44

grow doesn't really describe it. Think Mt St Helens, Vesuvius, Pompeii, etc.



but on the other hand my robot says uctshro preservation is better than recumbent habitats.

JLRB said...

Does anyone have a good recipe for Placenta Polenta?

McFly said...

Hey Babble is there a site where I can download a pdf of prints to convert the headboard/footboard of my bed into "stocks?" Kickstarter idea if not?

Anonymous said...

http://gizmodo.com/cant-choose-between-biking-or-roller-blading-now-you-1513149418

I like the training wheel.

Comment deleted said...

JLRB, no, but I've got one for Viscous Cous Cous.

babble on said...

CC - Ha! Yep, I'm probably the only person who could corrupt that corroded excuse of a soul...

McFly - Now there's a thought! You'll be a millionaire this time next year...

Big Daddy said...

Look for an ipo on the stock market for that idea.

The 2% said...

Enough already with this lactation humor, I think you've milked it dry.

jay said...

kickstarter titty milk. what won't those hipsters think up next?

Utterly Delicious said...

SR@132: "Cafe" - Could you also provide home delivery?

Anonymous said...

Forget a fatbike. You need a phatgirl to ride when its cold and you're bored. They are not real fast but they are soooo plush and set up for sloppy conditions. You can have alot of fun on one. Try it.

Anonymous said...

Custom Rodriguez bike for Seattle Mayor to commemorate Seahawks superbowl

Anonymous said...

http://instagram.com/p/fxySaXq24M/

RoadQueen said...

We're supposed to get another 12 inches or so over here by the Great Lakes, and not the fun kind of inches, either. :(

Continuing the Tour de Livingroom in front of the TV tonight. I can't wait to pedal and actually GO somewhere. If I had a Fat Bike....nah. Fuck the cold.

DB said...

I don't even remember where my bike is. I think my last ride was around Halloween.

McFly said...

I think I see what your up to WC. By saying on this blog that you want a fat bike you are hoping someone will give you one for free. I hope its a Walmart one.

BamaPhred said...

This is what I need . So I can ride my bike and not feel guilty about ditching work.

Euro Spondee said...

While you are waiting for today's post, cut and paste this to feel a little better:

http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20140204-can-a-city-really-go-car-free/all

Bob said...

I'm begging you - please grow up. Maybe Dylan grew up and realized that you can't type away on your Apple and conduct your research through Google and smash capitalism at the same time.
Hey, the man evolved - it's a healthy thing.

Zen Punk said...

if you use things, you can't be against things

this is an adult opinion to have

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