It's Snowing All Over My Will To Live.

I live in a harsh urban environment:

We're having another snowstorm today.  It's quaint as fuck around these parts when it snows but I've had about enough of it.  I suppose this is "god" or the "universe" or "karma" punishing me for mocking fat bikes.  YES, I WISH I HAD A FAT BIKE, OKAY?  Now shut up, you stupid "god."  Nobody likes a know-it-all.  (That's called "omniscience," by the way.  I went to a college.)

To top it all off, Staten Island Chuck, the weather-forecasting groundhog, saw a shadow of his hibernation boner, which means we're going to have six more weeks of winter:

("I'll throw you off this fucking balcony," Di Blasio says to Chuck in his best Staten Islandese, as the groundhog wangler tries to grab the furry beast by the wang.)

Meanwhile, we're getting snowed on again, yet the football dickwads had a beautiful, freakishly warm 50-degree days yesterday for their Moron Bowl.  For the most part my life was unaffected by the aforementioned Bowl, the New York City area being gigantic enough to absorb and buffer even the largest displays of douchebaggery, though thanks to Twitter news about the event managed to seep into my consciousness anyway, which is how I learned about that Bob Dylan Chrysler commercial.  Basically, they show all the stuff that makes America suck:

Then, Bob Dylan--yes, Bob Dylan--basically says that the Asians should stick to making cellphones, and that America's future lies in automobile manufacturing, presumably because it's been working out so well for us all these years.  Anyway, I'd link to the ad, but it's NSFW.  I mean, there's no sex in it, but listening to Bob Dylan tickle Chrysler's balls is more offensive than a hundred orifices being penetrated by a thousand dongs.

Also, he leaves out the part about how Chrysler is wholly owned by Fiat.

USA!

In other news of people in stretchy clothes competing in front of drunk people, this past weekend the World Championships of Cyclocross-Style Bicycle Racing took place in Hoogerheide, Netherlands, and it did not look like this:

I think it's cute that the popularity of cyclocross in America is still in that stage where nobody's cynical about it yet, even though it's completely dominated by people from the Low Countries and central Europe who are clearly on all kinds of awesome performance-enhancing drugs.  It's so bad the UCI are checking for motors in the bikes, apparently because Danilo Di Luca said they should:

The UCI checked the bikes of the first three of the world championships in Hoogerheide for mechanical doping. UCI officials removed the saddles from the bikes and used a camera to check inside the seat posts for the presence of motors, Het Nieuwsblad reports. No motors were found.

Hey, look, it may seem far-fetched, but you can't put anything past these people.  When it comes to making a living and providing for a family, many cyclists will stop at nothing--including selling their significant others' breastmilk to supplement their messenger income:

Mothers Milk is a comedy feature about a bike messenger who starts a business marketing his girlfriend's breastmilk to gourmet foodies.

Oh, please.  Here in New York City human breast milk is sooo 2010:

Angerer's wife supplied two quarts of of breast milk to create small samples of a creation he calls Mommy's Milk cheese.

Frankly, any self-respecting New Yorker would be embarrassed to eat anything so dated--though afterbirth is quite fashoinable now, and I hear the wait for brunch at The Placentary in Brooklyn is topping three hours these days:

("Taste familiar, son?"  Young family enjoying the "après naissance" at The Placentary)

Brooklyn used to be affordable and down-to-earth, but now it's all gone to the One Placentas, which is why there are so many homeless people.  But not for long!  We're actually only $10,000 from solving the homelessness crisis forever, because a great humanitarian has come up with the brilliant idea of housing them in recumbents:

In the fall of 2008, I watched a tv news report about the homeless in NYC who were given, grocery karts that had a tent built into it, allowing the homeless to have a better shelter, than the street or cardboard box.  I thought to myself, that while that was nice, they still had to be outside in the weather to move it around.  There must be a better way.  So I came up with the idea of having the tent or shelter be moved by human power from inside, using bicycle power to steer and move the unit.  This solves the problem of the owner being open to the weather, yet allows them to store their material goods, food, personal belongings, and sleeping bed all at the same time.  I knew this could work, so I started looking to see if this had ever been done before.  Surprisingly it had not.  Secondly I saw a huge multi use platform for many other  uses.  A high end model design could be used to travel long distances, for touring, living, and local shopping.   Delivery of small packages, in large cities, could be used, and even an electric unit could be made for hilly areas.  The potential is huge.  Help me make this idea come rue. 

Plus, they've already got the beards, so it's like a total no-brainer.