It's In The Bag: Getting Your Motivation Up

I'm not really into "trying," or "making an effort," or even "doing stuff."  For the most part, if you can't do it on the couch in your underpants then I'm not interested.  Still, that doesn't mean I don't have goals.  For example, one of my goals has always been to get banned from a Gran Fondo--and I'm pleased to announce that, without even trying, I've finally been banned from the Fredliest Fondo of them all:

.@bikesnobnyc our OOC testing is always on. But you are banned anyway after your recent degrading comment towards our riders. Ha!
— Gran Fondo New York (@granfondony) January 29, 2014

I can only assume the "recent degrading comment" was about the guy in the Gran Fondo New York jersey who made me pump up his tire for him on New Year's Day:

By the way, the first person to correctly answer a trivia question in the comments wins the signed original of the above masterpiece:

Gran Fondo TT Dork

Medium: Crayola

Artist: Wildcat Rock Machine

Value: Priceless

Are you ready?  Here's the trivia question.  Now remember, no cheating!

Okay, here goes:

Who is this?

Now simply answer the question in the comments.  However, like "Jeopardy," you have to respond with the correct format, otherwise it doesn't count.  Here is the template for answering the trivia question properly.  Simply fill in the blanks:

"My name or Internet alias is ______.  The correct answer to the question you posed in your blog post of January 30th, 2014 is: _______.  The 'captcha' I was required to furnish in order to leave this comment was _______.  My email address is _____ [at] _______ [dot] ___.  I understand that, upon proper submission of the correct answer, you will contact me directly in order to arrange shipping.  Dorothy Rabinowitz is a horny space reptile from the planet Pubis.  I like cheese."

Good luck!

By the way, the cyclist above (hint: it's Stephen Roche) is going to be riding in the aforementioned Gran Fondo this year:

So be sure to sign up, because even though a gazillion Freds will be competing for his attention, I'm sure he'll want to be best friends and riding buddies with you forever.

Of course, now that I've been banned from an event I had no intention of even registering for, I feel empty inside, and I also have precious little motivation to continue my winter training, which has been quite grueling.  It's paying off too, because if you look at my Strava account you'll see I'm easily among the top 40 or 50 riders in my ZIP code--though in fairness there should be an asterisk* next to that, since I did use a Speed Up Bag:

The above was forwarded to me by a reader, and I'm really upset the video doesn't seem to be working because this thing looks sublimely dorktacular.  And check out this data:

And this chart:

And this guy hanging out his ball bag while he's riding:

Of course, what the inventors don't tell you is the "Speed Up Bag" is simply a fairing--and while a fairing does make you faster, it's also illegal to use in bicycle racing, which means if you're using a fairing you're not racing and are simply trying to go a few seconds faster while you ride by yourself because you're a complete and utter weenie.

Nevertheless, I'd consider one if it functioned as a hand dryer, like the kind you find in the men's room:

("Ba-WOOSH!")

It's also great for the corpulent Fred who needs to "portage" six or seven salami sandwiches with him while he's riding, or for the person who misses the shape and convenience of the glove compartment in his Hyundai.

Anyway, it's worth noting that nine out of every ten cycling products you find on crowdsourcing websites are the products of closeted dorks who can't come to terms with the fact that they should be riding a recumbent.  Either it's some ridiculous toilet seat of a saddle because the inventor can't get through a metric century without losing use of his schlong for six weeks, or else it's some contraption to make the bike slightly faster that's ineligible for competition under every single sanctioning body in the world.

Look, if you're so concerned with aerodynamics over everything else, then don't dick around with a "Speed Up Bag."  Just get in the fucking thing already, shatter your "personal best," and leave the rest of us alone:

(Extra-large Speed Up Bag containing both rider and bicycle)

You could have ten or twenty salami sandwiches in that thing without even compromising your aerodynamics.

Anyway, generally it's at this point in the winter when riders start scraping the empty peanut butter jar for tiny dollops of motivation, and we see videos of people talking about how great winter riding is--or at least that's what we assume they're saying, because their speech is slurred by their frozen mouths:



They all make some good points, though my favorite thing about riding is the taste of the road salt dust that's kicked up into your face by all the motor vehicle traffic.

I actually do like the crunching sound of salt on the road while I'm riding though.  I find it very pleasant--though I'm not sure it technically qualifies as gravel.  I suppose I'd better measure the size of the granules, because if they fall within gravel specifications then I'll need a new bike.  Then, I may promote a gravel race that will compete with the Gran Fondo New York, which I'll call the "Dirty Sanchez."

Does anyone know if Speed Up Bags are legal in gravel racing?