Tuesday, February 18, 2014

It's snowing again, which is how I know there's no God.

Today's post is going to be short, but first, an important message from Suffolk County Legislator Tom Barraga (R-West Islip):


Suffolk County Legislator Tom Barraga (R-West Islip) wants to remind homeowners and businesses with sidewalks to shovel the snow from the walks as soon as possible after a snow fall in order to avoid the possibility of pedestrian injury and possible civil suit against the homeowner or business. 
A number of constituents have contacted my office to complain that homes and businesses that have sidewalks are not clearing the walks after a snow storm thus 
forcing adults and children to walk in the street. 
“You have an obligation to clean your sidewalks after a snow storm and you 
should do so as quickly as possible” said Barraga. 

You'll of course remember Tom Barraga as the guy who doesn't want people in Suffolk County riding bikes.  It makes sense that he doesn't want pedestrians walking in the streets, since we all know doing anything in Barraga's streets other than driving a car is tantamount to suicide.  Nevertheless, not all business owners are thrilled about having to shovel their walks, and here's just one of the many letters he's already received from angry constituents:

Dear Tom Barraga (R-West Islip),

Thank you for your recent message concerning snow removal and pedestrian safety.  Let me at the outset express the hope that you see fit to go fuck yourself.

I've been a West Islip business owner most of my life, selling adult videos, magazines, and novelties to furtive masturbators like you, and it is my personal feeling that no one who lives in our hamlet or for that matter in Suffolk County should ever walk.  I cannot tell you how many of my customers over the years have told me that they are taking up masturbating for pleasure and exercise, only to slip and fall on the way to my store because it was snowing but they were afraid to drive lest a spouse or business associate recognize their car in my parking lot.  I've told them to buy or lease a separate "porn car," but usually they don't listen, and 90 percent of those people who attempted to walk here wound up in the hospital with broken hips, forced to explain to the very people from whom they were hiding why an ambulance had to pick them up from the sidewalk in front of an establishment called "Frank's Wankatorium."

I've heard the suggestion that business owners should clear their sidewalks of snow, but unfortunately this would do little to solve the problem.  Suffolk County is a suburban automobile community--we expect our wankers to arrive by car, not on foot.  I told you as much last week when you came in to get fitted for a butt plug, and you took a tremendous risk walking back to your office, since after Olga finished with you I'm amazed you were able to walk at all.  Anyway, you should expect to fall down around here if you're stupid enough to walk.  The town's called "Islip," for fuck's sake.  I slip!!!  Do I have to spell it out for you?

Reality can be difficult for some to come to grips with, but basically what I'm saying is, "Clear this, douchebag."  


Very Truly Yours,


"Big Frank"
Proprietor, Frank's Mid-Island Wankotorium, Inc.
"Islip, You Slip, We All Slip For Porno"

Enc.

By the way, if you're wondering what's enclosed with the letter, it's a photo of Barraga taking during that butt plug fitting:


("Like a glove.")

Somebody needs to nominate this guy for President of America.

In other news, this marks the nine millionth anti-bike theft device on Kickstarter, which means the inventors win the "Who Cares?" award for indifference in cycling:


This one's a GPS tracker that you slip into your seat tube:


And it's activated when it senses a back-and-forth sawing (or wanking) motion:


Interestingly, Tom Barraga was fitted with this very device during his recent butt plug fitting, and that's how we know where he is right now:


Barraga certainly knows his adult boutiques, because Xpressions has the best butt plug selection east of the Sagtikos.

Or so I've heard.

Anyway, the "Shy Spy" GPS tracker will naturally show you where your bike is (or where Tom Barraga is) on your smartphone, though if you manage to take my bike to Finland then you can have it:


Also, Shy Spy is made from 100% post-consumer waste--specifically, used tampon applicators:


Put that in your seat tube and track it.

Lastly, attempting to run somebody over with your bike continues to be the best way to make a love connection in New York City:


u nearly rode ur bike into me & 12am, liked my hat, said happy v day - w4m - 30 (Lower East Side)

To the guy who nearly an me over at midnight on valentine's day in the lower east side on 1st Ave and Allen Street. You liked my hat, said happy valentines' day and told me that if i believed in fate we would meet again..

Should have fitted him with a "GPS tracker."  I bet he'd like that.

71 comments:

semi serious cyclist said...

top

semi serious cyclist said...

top

DB said...

Welcome Back!

Anonymous said...

rat bastard!

Jon said...

So close

Ze french cheeze said...

top dix

For whom the bell said...

I've to them to buy or lease a separate "porn car,"

told ?

Spokey said...

top 10

Bama Phred said...

This made me laugh till I snorted coffee out my nose.

mikeweb said...

Butt plug tracks are no laughing matter.

Spokey said...

bama

interesting how it affects different folks.

While rolling around the floor laughing at this post (not with it) I actually snorted noses out of my coffee.




I think robot is having a 3339499 302 breakdown

Spokey said...

mike

as snob will find out in another 30 or so years, when you get older you don't have to buy butt plugs. Biology provides it them gratis.



robot sez: degas espreen. I told it to shut up. That kind of talk is derogatory.

babble on said...

Short but sweet...

Yeah Cleveland! said...

Welcome back.
5 more inches of barely plowed snow on the road today so I made like a suburban automobile commuter and drove.

Anonymous said...

It's snowing because God is making a mockery of the religion of climate change, and those who intend to profit from it.

deep sionymod

Anonymous said...

Fuck it...
I'm leasing a porn Hyundai.

Roille Figners said...

I'm from an orderly place where the cyclists stay out of the road and the sidewalks are always shoveled. But nothing beats that feeling of a pannier full o'porn.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...hey, it's raining now... so take the bus

Anonymous said...

gpst rack

McFly said...

57 degrees Americanese bithches! Ol Man Winter can lick my scranus. I hope his tongue sticks to it.

If I stole a bike and shit rattled around in the frame I would bring it right back citing Rule #65.

Roille Figners said...

Just can't even be bothered to check out the anti-theft device thingy, but my tentative critique is: a sawing-back-and-forth motion does not occur when a bike is thrown in the back of a pickup.

thegock said...

BUTT PLUG

JB said...

Wait, was the missed connection at midnight 2/13-14, or midnight 2/14-15? Due to a lack of precision, you may have missed your connection again. [sad horn]

JB said...

Also, I've always heard that to avoid civil suits, you should never shovel your sidewalk. Shoveling your sidewalk could give a pedestrian the expectation of safety; no shoveling, no expectation of safety.

Just like you shouldn't put a "Beware of Dog" sign on your fence. It's a declaration that you are aware that your dog is dangerous. Then when he bites someone's scranus, you're screwed.

JB said...

FWIW, I shovel my sidewalk. I'm not a bag of douches.

Anonymous said...

I used to exchange friendly greetings with our village pornographer during my daily lunchtime stroll. He has since moved and a tatoo shop has rented the space. Never imagined he'd move to Islip.

The King of Park Slope said...

Ashamed of buying porn?

I don't understand.

Roille Figners said...

That is some ass-backwards shit JB. Almost like it came from some weird dystopian futuristic land in a sci-fi story.

Anonymous said...

Porn is a disease; don't chain yourself to it. Who is controlling who?

Roille Figners said...

OK so you can't put "beware of dog" on the fence. And yet something tells me if you put "Go ahead and pet the dog, he's really nice, XOXO" on there, and then he bites some douche, you won't be able to use the excuse of "But I didn't know he was dangerous."

One way or another, it's YOUR responsibility to protect the guy with the lawyer.

Anonymous said...

Best laugh i have had in like a thousand years. keep up the good work.

cycle

Roille Figners said...

No God? Know God.

Tom Barraga said...

I wouldn't normally stand for this type of abuse, but it is difficult to sit down thanks to my new butt-plug.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Cross country skis are great. Once you pay for them they never cost another dollar to use. (kind of like a bike. Unless you do that silly racing thing.) Skiing on relatively flat ground means you get some exercise and don't need to buy a $50 US lift ticket. They go good on snow which we seem to have in abundance these days.

I did 4 miles on my local circuit last night. It was nice.

Etherwanker said...

Beautiful post. Just beautiful. Butt plugs, snowy sidewalks, politicians, all tied together. Fantastic!

Regular guy said...

So, at 1:07 in the wank-motion detector video, the guy's smartphone displays "Bianchi Pista update".

Haven't heard what the index is at for some time.

I like to shovel my walkway.

Spokey said...

Don't have no sidewalks here. But I do have a 25 x 100' (that's about 7 x 30m for the ill educated rest of the world). Been at war with a glacier in the middle of (kind of like woody allen and the pudding monster in sleeper).

It's fun to shovel.



robot has a lot of nerve claiming byoiieur authentic

Bama Phred said...

The problem is that Barraga and Rabinowitz are secretly lusting after each other. Their taboo, unconsummated, passion for each other is only overridden by their hatred of all things bicykleen. Honestly, that's a sex tape I don't care to see.

McFly said...

Barraga is an alien. Look at his damn head. Seriously that's Red Foreman ala 70s Show big.

Astroluc said...

Snobby, you've always been interesting to read at least, and usually you are damn amusing (and/or insightful) in your writing... but today is the first time in a long time you have truly hit genius-tier.

Gold, just gold.

JLRB said...

Ashamed of porn? When I get done it looks like it went through a paper shredder

JLRB said...

RCT - I too have been out enjoying the skinny skis - not only do you not need to pay $50-70 for a lift ticket, this winter I just go to the edge of the yard and ski away - no automobile required.

leroy said...

My dog won't stop singing that Frank Zappa song about not eating the yellow snow.

But in this weather, how can you not go where the huskies go?

Mr. Zappa plays a bicycle on the Steve Allen Show"

Eurodude said...

talking about kickstarter-funded useless anti-theft stuff, the $200+ TiGr Lock (lots of PR in 2012) has been tested by Germany´s biggest consumer goods test agency a few months ago, and has been rated as "useless crap " ("SperrMühl").

Article in german: http://www.sueddeutsche.de/auto/teures-fahrradschloss-im-test-sperr-muell-fuer-euro-1.1779527

Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kb8YoT9Q9VA&feature=youtu.be

So much for hyped overpriced stuff..

Bryan said...

If you really want a butt plug, just take the saddle off of the seat post and go for a ride

Freddy Murcks said...

BUTT PLUG!!! Yeah baby, yeah.

Do any of you know whether or not Assos makes a cycling-specific butt plug? Seems like it would be a natural complement to the Kuku Penthouse.



stsbornt 594

Dooth said...

The license plate on Barraga's porn car reads:
ISLIPUPLUG

DB said...

Crosspalms!
Mel Reynolds news! I wondered where he was hiding.
So proud of Chicago politicians.

RoadQueen said...

Oh, there's a God alright....and he's laughing his Almighty Ass off at us ants wallowing, pissing and moaning in the snow.

SSC and BD, nice podio! XX

Vibrations or Motion said...

Sawing back and forth detects vibrations. Wouldn't a GPS based motion detector make more sense? Set it from your phone and walk away. Then while I'm sitting in a coffee shop (which I'm doing right now, sidebar, what a rack on the barista) my phone goes off telling me my bike is moving, I sure know it's not me moving it.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

RIP Bob Casale

Flower pots on their heads. Genius.

babble on said...

Road Queen - it's sad, but true. I hear the laughter of the Gods waaaaaaay too often for my own good, but then as the queen of dumbass I've usually well and truly earned it.

Uh... PAY for porn? Who does that when there's the internet?

And yeah. Absofuckinglootley genius today, snobberdoodles.

JLRB said...

Off topic (if there is one), but I have to say my faith in humanity (if I have any) was restored when I learned I wasn't the only one who thought the interview with Bode Miller was one of the grossest bits of journalism ever

He has come a long way in his personal growth to not only not spit on her during the interview, but also defend her afterwords. Respect.

babble on said...

Seizures and head injuries... ugh.

JLRB said...

Yes - a sad case. Motorcycle crash...

On the positive side, Bode's wife is smoking

crosspalms said...

Freddie Murcks,
Edward Snowden just released thousands of pages of Assos documents detailing the internal disagreements over their cycling-specific butt plug, whether it should be for road, gravel, or cyclo-cross -- or all three.

DB,
I think Mel should argue that he was so distracted by the porn someone left in his hotel room that he simply forgot to pay the bill. All a misunderstanding.

McFly said...

Yeah hunny bunny said she is trying to get famous. The bad kind I guess.

babble on said...

Leroy - Welcome back. Zappa had no choice but to play the bicycle.... after all, he couldn't ride them, cause of his strong anti-drug stance.

jay said...

I bike furtively to the local wankatorium

Grump said...

Not only does Barraga hate cyclists, he now hates old people. He insists that they get out there and die, while trying to shovel the city sidewalk in front of their house.
The bastard..

Anonymous said...

Lacrosse Helment















Evil Genius said...

I shoveled my sidewalk... right onto the bike lane next to it! Moowaah ha ha!

Dr. Brown said...

I like to refer to the butt plug as an alimentary canal dam and that's no shit!

RoadQueen said...

Babble: Right there with ya, babe. I routinely get ate up with dumb-ass. Usually, there are plenty of witnesses and not just the gods. So I got that going for me.

Re: porn. Right?! I mean, cum on...it's the age of the internet. Nobody pays for porn. You can even find the kinky anime stuff for free. If you're willing to dig. Sheesh. *off soapbox*

Top said...

Hmm, Olympic fat bike downhill competition.

Frank said...

Is an ill-fitting butt plug causing discomfort during your back door experience? Come and see us down at Frank's Wankatorium for a custom fitting.

Frank said...

Another satisfied customerafter a custom butt plug alignment at Frank's.

JLRB said...

Tires with retractable studs maybe the technology will trickle into bicycles

JLRB said...

Babble and RQ -

What I don't get is if nobody is paying for porn, how is the porn industry making $3,000 per second

3G said...

Ugh...I just Barraga'd in my pants...AGAIN.

babble on said...

JLRB - I like the link at the bottom of the page which promises to tell you how to get away with watching it at work. Um... and WTF? 20% of men ADMIT to watching at work already!!??!!

Ha. Stephen Harper claims that the oil and gas industry is the cornerstone of the economy, but we know the truth.