It's snowing again, which is how I know there's no God.

Today's post is going to be short, but first, an important message from Suffolk County Legislator Tom Barraga (R-West Islip):

Suffolk County Legislator Tom Barraga (R-West Islip) wants to remind homeowners and businesses with sidewalks to shovel the snow from the walks as soon as possible after a snow fall in order to avoid the possibility of pedestrian injury and possible civil suit against the homeowner or business. 
A number of constituents have contacted my office to complain that homes and businesses that have sidewalks are not clearing the walks after a snow storm thus 
forcing adults and children to walk in the street. 
“You have an obligation to clean your sidewalks after a snow storm and you 
should do so as quickly as possible” said Barraga. 

You'll of course remember Tom Barraga as the guy who doesn't want people in Suffolk County riding bikes.  It makes sense that he doesn't want pedestrians walking in the streets, since we all know doing anything in Barraga's streets other than driving a car is tantamount to suicide.  Nevertheless, not all business owners are thrilled about having to shovel their walks, and here's just one of the many letters he's already received from angry constituents:

Dear Tom Barraga (R-West Islip),

Thank you for your recent message concerning snow removal and pedestrian safety.  Let me at the outset express the hope that you see fit to go fuck yourself.

I've been a West Islip business owner most of my life, selling adult videos, magazines, and novelties to furtive masturbators like you, and it is my personal feeling that no one who lives in our hamlet or for that matter in Suffolk County should ever walk.  I cannot tell you how many of my customers over the years have told me that they are taking up masturbating for pleasure and exercise, only to slip and fall on the way to my store because it was snowing but they were afraid to drive lest a spouse or business associate recognize their car in my parking lot.  I've told them to buy or lease a separate "porn car," but usually they don't listen, and 90 percent of those people who attempted to walk here wound up in the hospital with broken hips, forced to explain to the very people from whom they were hiding why an ambulance had to pick them up from the sidewalk in front of an establishment called "Frank's Wankatorium."

I've heard the suggestion that business owners should clear their sidewalks of snow, but unfortunately this would do little to solve the problem.  Suffolk County is a suburban automobile community--we expect our wankers to arrive by car, not on foot.  I told you as much last week when you came in to get fitted for a butt plug, and you took a tremendous risk walking back to your office, since after Olga finished with you I'm amazed you were able to walk at all.  Anyway, you should expect to fall down around here if you're stupid enough to walk.  The town's called "Islip," for fuck's sake.  I slip!!!  Do I have to spell it out for you?

Reality can be difficult for some to come to grips with, but basically what I'm saying is, "Clear this, douchebag."  

Very Truly Yours,

"Big Frank"

Proprietor, Frank's Mid-Island Wankotorium, Inc.

"Islip, You Slip, We All Slip For Porno"

Enc.

By the way, if you're wondering what's enclosed with the letter, it's a photo of Barraga taking during that butt plug fitting:

("Like a glove.")

Somebody needs to nominate this guy for President of America.

In other news, this marks the nine millionth anti-bike theft device on Kickstarter, which means the inventors win the "Who Cares?" award for indifference in cycling:

This one's a GPS tracker that you slip into your seat tube:

And it's activated when it senses a back-and-forth sawing (or wanking) motion:

Interestingly, Tom Barraga was fitted with this very device during his recent butt plug fitting, and that's how we know where he is right now:

Barraga certainly knows his adult boutiques, because Xpressions has the best butt plug selection east of the Sagtikos.

Or so I've heard.

Anyway, the "Shy Spy" GPS tracker will naturally show you where your bike is (or where Tom Barraga is) on your smartphone, though if you manage to take my bike to Finland then you can have it:

Also, Shy Spy is made from 100% post-consumer waste--specifically, used tampon applicators:

Put that in your seat tube and track it.

Lastly, attempting to run somebody over with your bike continues to be the best way to make a love connection in New York City:

u nearly rode ur bike into me & 12am, liked my hat, said happy v day - w4m - 30 (Lower East Side)

To the guy who nearly an me over at midnight on valentine's day in the lower east side on 1st Ave and Allen Street. You liked my hat, said happy valentines' day and told me that if i believed in fate we would meet again..

Should have fitted him with a "GPS tracker."  I bet he'd like that.