Cue the "Jaws" theme, because the Shark is coming, and it wants a piece of your ass.

In the vast world of cycling, from advocacy to professional racing to marketing to handmade bicycle shows to whatever else, there is but one breaking story that overshadows all others, and it's that, finally, someone has invented a saddle that goes inside your ass:

(Via @mtbkrdave)

Is that what you think it is?  Yes, it is.  It's a dorsal fin that goes right up the jacksie, essentially splitting you open so as to improve your weight distribution somehow:

New to the Essax saddle line, the 'Shark' features a central fin at the rear of the saddle, which assists the rider in evenly spreading their weight on the sit bones.

(White seems like a bad color choice for something that goes between your ass cheeks.)

Some of you might find this shocking, but as far as I'm concerned this saddle is the inevitable culmination of decades of dubious bicycle "innovation" and marketing.  Thousand-dollar wheelsets, "beefy" bottom brackets, robust thru-axles, disc brakes, proprietary gravel bikes...all of this was merely a prelude, a romantic candlelight dinner, a way of softening you up and bending you over so that the bicycle industry can finally take you home and convince you to "do it in the butt."

Are you having trouble finding that perfect saddle?  Is everything you try uncomfortable?  Well, as it turns out, the problem with all of them is that they don't go inside of you:

"So many of us sit twisted on our saddles, I've heard of people going through ten different saddles and still not being satisfied with their seating position..."

In other words, until now cycling has been a poor substitute for anal play, but now you no longer have to choose between the two, which if nothing else is going to save a lot of people a great deal of time.

By the way, I'd like to congratulate myself for predicting the "clipless saddle" nearly five years ago, though I admit the mechanics work differently than I'd envisioned.

Anyway, now that the bike industry has plied you with wine, taken you home, sat you down on the leather sofa, cued up the Barry White, and popped the ass question, you're probably wondering one thing: "Does it hurt?"  No, of course not, baby.  It feels great--just as long as you do what I say:

Is it uncomfortable?

The fin seems at first sight an aggressive element that will hurt us when we are pedaling. But this is not like this, if the rider is well positioned on the saddle the fin is imperceptible. If we feel the fin than we know that we are not well seated on the asddle! Than we know we have moved away from our optimal point of support, this is the kinesthetic value of the SHARK.

By the way, did you notice that typo?  That's right there on the manufacturer's website, and it's a Freudian slip that shows exactly what's on their mind:

Also, there's "much interest in England:"

Somehow I'm not surprised.

And if you've still got any reservations about sitting on this thing, you shouldn't, because it was invented by "a great mind" in "the cycle fitting world:"

"On first looks it's quite startling," added ICS organiser Phil Cavell. "But Iriberri is too great a mind in the cycle fitting world to ignore, it's a interesting idea."

Along with coaching, "cycle fitting" is perhaps the biggest racket going in the cycling world, and practitioners of both generally occupy a rung on the societal ladder between palm readers and pimps.  I'd never heard of this Jon Iriberri character, but I looked him up, and I do agree he's got a lot of great ideas about bike fit, though most if not all of them involve the butt.  For example, here he is subjecting someone to what looks to be some sort of hydraulic ass-derrick:

Here he is looking perplexed at a typical racing saddle and wondering how he can modify it to get it in the butt:

("I suppose I could remove it altogether and just leave the seatpost, but then I'd have nothing to sell.")

And here he is preparing to retrieve an early prototype:

In any case, I predict this saddle is going to be a huge hit, especially with triathletes:

Maybe the fin will keep them from falling off their bikes.