Monday, February 24, 2014

Cue the "Jaws" theme, because the Shark is coming, and it wants a piece of your ass.

In the vast world of cycling, from advocacy to professional racing to marketing to handmade bicycle shows to whatever else, there is but one breaking story that overshadows all others, and it's that, finally, someone has invented a saddle that goes inside your ass:


(Via @mtbkrdave)

Is that what you think it is?  Yes, it is.  It's a dorsal fin that goes right up the jacksie, essentially splitting you open so as to improve your weight distribution somehow:

New to the Essax saddle line, the 'Shark' features a central fin at the rear of the saddle, which assists the rider in evenly spreading their weight on the sit bones.


(White seems like a bad color choice for something that goes between your ass cheeks.)

Some of you might find this shocking, but as far as I'm concerned this saddle is the inevitable culmination of decades of dubious bicycle "innovation" and marketing.  Thousand-dollar wheelsets, "beefy" bottom brackets, robust thru-axles, disc brakes, proprietary gravel bikes...all of this was merely a prelude, a romantic candlelight dinner, a way of softening you up and bending you over so that the bicycle industry can finally take you home and convince you to "do it in the butt."

Are you having trouble finding that perfect saddle?  Is everything you try uncomfortable?  Well, as it turns out, the problem with all of them is that they don't go inside of you:

"So many of us sit twisted on our saddles, I've heard of people going through ten different saddles and still not being satisfied with their seating position..."

In other words, until now cycling has been a poor substitute for anal play, but now you no longer have to choose between the two, which if nothing else is going to save a lot of people a great deal of time.

By the way, I'd like to congratulate myself for predicting the "clipless saddle" nearly five years ago, though I admit the mechanics work differently than I'd envisioned.

Anyway, now that the bike industry has plied you with wine, taken you home, sat you down on the leather sofa, cued up the Barry White, and popped the ass question, you're probably wondering one thing: "Does it hurt?"  No, of course not, baby.  It feels great--just as long as you do what I say:

Is it uncomfortable?

The fin seems at first sight an aggressive element that will hurt us when we are pedaling. But this is not like this, if the rider is well positioned on the saddle the fin is imperceptible. If we feel the fin than we know that we are not well seated on the asddle! Than we know we have moved away from our optimal point of support, this is the kinesthetic value of the SHARK.

By the way, did you notice that typo?  That's right there on the manufacturer's website, and it's a Freudian slip that shows exactly what's on their mind:


Also, there's "much interest in England:"


Somehow I'm not surprised.

And if you've still got any reservations about sitting on this thing, you shouldn't, because it was invented by "a great mind" in "the cycle fitting world:"

"On first looks it's quite startling," added ICS organiser Phil Cavell. "But Iriberri is too great a mind in the cycle fitting world to ignore, it's a interesting idea."

Along with coaching, "cycle fitting" is perhaps the biggest racket going in the cycling world, and practitioners of both generally occupy a rung on the societal ladder between palm readers and pimps.  I'd never heard of this Jon Iriberri character, but I looked him up, and I do agree he's got a lot of great ideas about bike fit, though most if not all of them involve the butt.  For example, here he is subjecting someone to what looks to be some sort of hydraulic ass-derrick:


Here he is looking perplexed at a typical racing saddle and wondering how he can modify it to get it in the butt:


("I suppose I could remove it altogether and just leave the seatpost, but then I'd have nothing to sell.")

And here he is preparing to retrieve an early prototype:



In any case, I predict this saddle is going to be a huge hit, especially with triathletes:


Maybe the fin will keep them from falling off their bikes.

142 comments:

Anonymous said...

Nice seat for a podium

75 26346363

Anonymous said...

Huzzah?

Anonymous said...

2nd

Comment deleted said...

Yuck. Anony-podium.

flyover bc said...

top ten

Anonymous said...

Top TWenty bbboner!

Bryan said...

That seat is not far off from this

Spokey said...

top 10.4

Flyover BC said...

I guess the "wedgie" was already trade-marked.

I guess "the plug" is inevitable for those who want more from their ride.

Comment deleted said...

Popping the ass question? Is that a thing?

g. said...

I there really no difference between "than" and "then" anymore?

JB said...

Watch Stripes, Ghostbusters, Caddyshack, Meatballs, Animal House, or Groundhog Day tonight.

Roille Figners said...

Dozenth? Baker's dozenth?

Jon said...

I've never seen a more erotic picture in my life. I need one of those Sharks.

Anonymous said...

Solid gold today Snobs..

Yer a funny sumbitch.

Flyover BC said...

I did notice the typo. Butt, I couldn't read the ad copy without hearing a german accent a la "Der Sprockets".

Bryan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Schisthead said...

Does it come with a special pair of shorts with some sort of shark fin penthouse in the back?

If you're going batshit nuts, you gotta go all the way...

DB said...

Waiting for McFly to comment.

Bryan said...

"we're gonna need a bigger butt "

Anonymous said...

Just get a SMP saddle and be done with it.
Or a brooks if you are recreational.

Spokey said...

. If we feel the fin than we know that we are not well seated on the asddle!

don't know why wcrm is making fun of this. Makes perfect sense and it's just an analog to the real world. Like when I feel my leg being bitten off by a one of those fishy type sharks I know I'm not swimming in the proper body of water.

I'd love to buy a shark but just blew all my asddle money for this year on a Cambium C17. If I had only known.



robot is among humbsta. I think it plans on a secret meeting with leroy's dog. something about leroy's final days.

streepo said...

Today's blog was a real pain in the ass.


And I kd you not about the robot text:
for nositos

Anonymous said...

Great idea! I'm waiting for the vibration model. There is room for a "aaa" battery in that pleasure fin for sure!

mikeweb said...

That saddle looks, uh, stimulating.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

trama said...

it would make more sense if it contained actual shark



his oonngso

McFly said...

Hey I am white. I "go" between ass cheeks. WTF is your problem with that?

The Bikeworks Crew said...

Are the working on the two finned ladies version? Of course it would have to come in the brown and pink colorway

3G said...

OUCH

Blog Drafter said...

That's a real Laffer Curve right there.

Cipo Rides on Balls said...

Is the women's version named "The Dilldo"?

babble on said...

The shark? What's the point of that?

DB said...

Hey, JB:
I just heard. RIP Harold Ramis.

Anonymous said...

This blog has gone seriously ass-centric.

cycle

Anonymous said...

I wonder if the black version will be bigger.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:05pm,

Hey, this blog's just a mirror on the cycling world, I didn't invent that crazy thing.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

DB said...

Anon at 1:06 for the win.

fhfr436 said...

I'd hate to do cyclocross remount on that!

Anonymous said...

Grant Petersen's evil little brother wants to know when Tom Barraga is going to be fitted for a Shark.

Anonymous said...

Gross, just gross.

Jed said...

Add a skid mark to that fin and you've got a solid theft deterrent. Put a helmet on the asadle horn and call it done

Roille Figners said...

HAHAHA... "up the jacksie"

Well now the bike world has begun to fulfill the prophecy of all our recent pegging talk. The integrated butt-plug and frontwise reacharound kuku-piston can't be far behind.

I'm getting all hot. It turns me on, I ain't gonna lie.

Violated Commenter DaddoOne said...

this reminds of that catheter top tube I tried a few years to keep me well positioned. worked great till I crashed 5

Anonymous said...

How can they call it ESSAX? It should be called ASSAX(E).

Rusty Red said...

Do they make a *front-door version* for the ladies? **patiently waiting**

ken e. said...

comedy ensued!

Gee Business said...

As an avid, recreational, out-of-the-closet and proud of it seat-sniffer, I sure hope this shark fin saddle becomes as ubiquitous as disc-brakes! Oh the pungency!

Anonymous said...

LGBTQ&S.S.!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

That's not an asddle it's a surfboard for a small monkey.

JLRB said...

(Modified Newlyweds gag)

Q: What's the strangest place you have ever ridden your bikecycle?

A: I'd have to say, up de butt.

RoadQueen said...

That's it. I'm getting a recumbent.

These upright bike seats are just getting to be more and more of a pain in the ass.

crosspalms said...

In the event of a water landing your seat may be used as a flotation device. If you get it off the bike in time.

Anonymous said...

90% of the time when I pop my thumb* in "there" the lady(?) begins a pretty audible moan-fest. Not sure thats a good idea for large group rides.

*[Editors note: One should always get permission for the thumb-peg]

Anonymous said...

If you take another look at the photo of Jon Iriberri extracting the assaxe, you can see why Jon thinks the wedge isn't uncomfortable. His butt is about 400 percent larger than a normal human for a human his size.

McFly said...

Smella A-Tail-yea

Anonymous said...

I'm trying to figure out how the shark would even work? would you need to ride pantsless? That would definitely limit the market for it.

Anonymous said...

Snobby @ 1:07,

Maybe you didn't invent it, but you did dedicate your entire blog today solely to this matter.

I don't think I've ever seen you fixate on just one subject before.

Admittedly though, it is an affair of profound importance warranting one's undivided attention, but Anon 1:05's "ass-centric" contention does have merit.

ichy bum said...

I would give money to this kickstarter

am hard, too said...

I knew a guy who loved to sniff bicycle seats, but had to give it up because he couldn't keep running that fast

Anonymous said...

I wanna see the Shark Saddle go head to head* with the H-zontal.

*pelvis to pelvis might be more applicable.

Anonymous said...

Soon there will be specials on saddle finning.

vsk

JLRB said...

everyone will now need grandpa-in-the-steam-room sized saddle bags to carry all the chamois lotion needed for proper asddle position

Anonymous said...

Looks more like the pyramid of Ramses from behind.

ge© said...

How many miles in the saddle before this thing wears a hole in your shorts? Not looking forward to those coffee shop line ups.

ge© said...

Although, I suppose that's a selling point to the tri geeks who like drop a deuce in the saddle. Express exit.

Anonymous said...

That seat's gotta come with special shorts, with special chamois slot cutout. Tri folk have those little chamois shorts, so it'll slide in nicely, that's hot.

Anonymous said...

Stimulants via suppository will stay put with that new seat design.

commentatorbot_02937408 said...

Yes, on the face of it, totally ridiculous.

Go way, way, waaaaay back in time to Brooks-style saddles as the common saddle type. One would see on high mileage saddles the sit-bone depressions and how the rider favored one sit bone, or didn't sit square on the saddle, or ....

For sure, everybody sits a little differently on their saddle. Does it matter? Every time? Every rider? No clue. Might it help in some cases resolve some biomechanical issue? Maybe.

Did it need to be reinvented? Probably not.

This message is CEN certified.

africansingle said...

So bizarre it verges on satire.

Anonymous said...

can't believe nobody's said it yet:

ASS HATCHET




robot called me a learned ngsraxt. is that good or bad?

Anonymous said...

My review:

Shark sandwich. Shit sandwich.




(Yes I already used this joke on BikeRumour, but dammit I'm proud of it in the same way Jon Iriberri is proud of his saddle even though they're both awful.)

the society for prevention of cruelty to sharks said...

Shark fin? How insensitive can you be?http://www.stopsharkfinning.net/shark-fin-soup-whats-the-scoop/

JLRB said...

Ass I wass saying, I need a new asddle for my assycle - if anyone hass any ideass?

Ass-centric?

Anonymous said...

What, what!?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbGkxcY7YFU

db said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
db said...

...(waiting for the dolphin model)...

Dooth said...

FOR THE HARDCORE S&M ENTHUSIAST: Brooks is developing a fin saddle with a sharp rusty rivet...the Asswaddle.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...one would think the fin saddle would be a hit in france too, and not only because it reminds le concorde!

Ben said...

I'm a little shocked. All that and not a single Cipo' reference?

Anonymous said...

I normally don't comment, but this is disgusting. I'm really hoping that it's all a joke and no such anal probe/saddle actually exists. What the hell is wrong with people?

Mr Plow said...

Is there a sport that generates more idiotic inventions than bicycle cycling? If so what is it? And is there a blog?

Anonymous said...

On more than one occasion I have had a lass look back and exclaim "Do what you will but don't even THINK about putting THAT in my -ss."

I always feel like there is a good story behind whatever led to this rejection but have never asked for the de-tales.

Bender said...

That thing is a joke, right?

It's been really hard to tell about these things ever since the y2k election. The Onion just confuses people now.

David Reuteler said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dual Pinkie Rings said...

ASS AXE

Roille Figners said...

The fin sort of looks like my nose as I'm eating pussy'n'crackofass.

Except it's facing the wrong way.

Anonymous said...

getting more satisfaction from a bicycle seat was a couple of scenes from an old porn film entitled: It Happened in Hollywood. There was a dildo aspect to the bike seat that repeatedly thrust into whoever was sitting on the seat as they pedaled. FYI

Dave said...

Why not a dedicated saddle for that legendary Way of Life known as Ass Möde:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rzyto43_-Hc

Dick Hertz said...

As long as this blog stays ass-centric (variant sp asymetric) I can post this old joke:

What's the definition of sigmoidoscope?

its a tube with an asshole at both ends

Dave said...

And indeed, why not, for the ladies, the deluxe double-penetration model with retractable solar-powered vibrating Clitoral Titillator? Who needs the virtually useless male of the species? What a great future we live in!

BUTT said...

I'll wait for Shark 2.0, which will incorporate the Preparation-H suppository tube required for a design like this.

Roger that said...

Interest in England? Of course there is...

Anonymous said...

IMO, If you're not having any kind of pain during the riding; knee pain, ankle pain, etc. there is no need to switch anything out or buy anything further. When is the Captain Obvious movie coming out?

JLRB said...

So we went from a "half-assed" product review of a rear-end camera to the shark.

If Essex sends WCRM a shark it will be a full-assed product review.

Please do not use the rear end camera along with the shark.

The Ass Crack Bandit said...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Curses! Foiled again!

Anonymous said...

I laughed so hard reading this. Thanks!

johnny weir said...

V2.0 of the shark will have a KY lubricator button in the fin for those long days on the fin.

MOnster Ein VInyl said...

Mr Plow I believe that sport is skiing. I am waiting for ski snob sun valley to emerge

Comment deleted said...

Ass-themed days always generate north of 100 comments.

rover215 said...

Ass. Hatchet.

Yeah Cleveland! said...

One - hundred and one.

Anonymous said...

Whooo!!! Lanterne Rouge!

Flyover BC said...

Looks like Jon Iriberri is giving that saddle the finger test before going for the full nose-forward sniff test.

McFly said...

I got Nuttin' Butt Love 4 ya......

Cartman said...

GEEZ man just when does all this things-in/of/about-the-ass- bloggery going to slow down? I'm running out of preparations H.

Kyle said...

well, nobody is going to ask to ride your bike anymore. that's fer sher.

or

will

they?

uh oh...

Kenny said...

Who was the world-class d̶o̶p̶e̶r̶ cyclist who u̶s̶e̶d̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶r̶a̶c̶e̶,̶ ̶w̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶s̶u̶s̶p̶e̶n̶s̶i̶o̶n̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶o̶v̶e̶r̶?̶,̶ races in Yurp and was always sliding off the back of his time-t̶r̶a̶v̶e̶l̶i̶ng̶-trialing saddle...well that fella.

That fella right there, might find a more consistent position atop his aero perch what with the "tailstop" built right in.

I guess i'll quit commenting and go read the friggin' blog and commentariates too. Hi Y'all.

What's next, shoes with toe compartments?

WP

Wendy said...

Oh well, that might just make riding the trainer a little more entertaining. May have to adjust my set_back_.

Anonymous said...

According to statistics 40 % of the ladies are down with the back door. Of that 40 % roughly 70 % are not faithful to their men.
So.....according to these numbers 30% of the female population will back up on that saddle. Or you. I like those odds. I am going to Wal Mart.

jodphoto said...

Any vents or gutters for channeling the inevitable blood and anal leakage? Is there a ladies' version in development?

Skidmark said...

Mock it if you will all you unbelievers but I'm going to give the Shark Fin a crack.

Sphinxter said...

You might be scared to try that seat at first but perhaps you'll find out that you like it in the end.

Flyover BC said...

Hey man, the shark is up tight, outta sight, and in the groove. You know what I mean?

I wonder if the snob has jumped the shark with this post?

Flyover bc said...

I wonder if they will develop different models of the shark; like the Great White, the Mako, and the Hammerhead.

The Lemon shark could provide some extra pucker-power on steep descents.

And let's not forget that Preparation H is made from, mostly, shark oil.

Anonymous said...

haha, the wife said Essax easily morphs into assex.

Nacnud said...

Version 2.0 have sensors to measure P.Q. (Pucker Quotient).

For some reason the song 'brown eyed girl' keeps going through my mind.

Anonymous said...

Think I found my new seat for the world naked bike ride....

Since I'm post 117 I can say with pride...that I'm bringing up the rear here.

Will it be the end????

ge© said...

I always suspected most of your readers were asses. I knew it wasn't just me.

I'm Gumby, Dammit! said...

Now the hilpster doods will be "borrowing" their sisters' Cloven Hinds.

That pylon needs a blinkie light integrated into the back.

tubasti said...

Ya gotta be . . . Aw, never mind.

Nacnud said...

Gumby @ at 10:09 PM
A built in light for that 'inner glow'?

leroy said...

My dog cautions that I could never climb while standing in a cross wind if I installed a shark saddle. Dangerous sail effect.

Of course, he often drafts while humming: "Bum bum .... Bum bum..... Bum bum, bum bum, bum bum, bum bum, bum bum."

Angelina said...

On ya snobbie. May well ve a hit down under

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The Hillside Sniffer said...

Liz Hatch trained with an Essax all winter. I just pick that gem up on the EBAY (its not UCI* approved). Now to lightly mist it with warm tap water and gently scrub the fin with my toothbrush (yea...the one I am STILL using) and get my sniff on.........

*Unusual Cornhole Insertion

Anonymous said...

kinesthetic? Really? does that mean something else now

Consume mass quantities said...

Coneheads

Saddle Sore said...

I suspect that "inventor" was given so many wedgies as a kid, he started to enjoy them. Will his next gift to cyclists be a helment that leaves one with a simulated swirly?

DB said...

Oh, my.
Too many good comments to award one best today.

Trust Fund said...

I'm going to wait for the bedazzled Best-Made version. That will finish off my pink ti Budnitz quite nicely.

Kramer said...

ASSS MANN

babble on said...

DB - right? It was a comment bonanza!

Biking the Live Fantastic said...

The gift that keeps on giving.

Ethelred the Unsteady said...

Dear Dr Wildcat,

I am English but I am not interested -- WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Please advise.

Yours Sincerely,

Ethelred the Unsteady

Liz said...

You know you pervz want nose deep in my dirty cornhole.

Freddy Murcks said...

Gold, Snob. Gold. However, I do have one bone to pick. You, I, and everybody else knows that NOTHING is going to keep the tri-weenies from falling off of their bikes.

PS I don't like the Robot Captcha with numbers. I greatly prefer nonsense words like those below.



essmlis sort

Swampdogg said...

Reminds me on the lesser know Brooks B15 Touring 'Fister' range that was popular in England in the mid 60's. To this day race winners often pump both fists in the air to remembrance of this saddle.

Liz said...

Just pull the panties over to the side and bury that lil' sniffer right up in there. Dont get any ideas though, give yourself an auto-reach-around if you need relief.

Anonymous said...

Late post today cause someone is stuck in the assdle

Anonymous said...

Instead of "Essax" I think the name should be "AssAxe".

Anonymous said...

They obviously stole the idea from the IT Bike on Southpark

http://southpark.wikia.com/wiki/File:TheEntity13.gif

Anonymous said...

The question of chamois cream arises. Anti-seize grease has those grippy micro-pearls, eh? Avoid fusion at all costs. If you've ever tried to extract a seized seat post from the seat tube you know what I mean.