Thursday, January 30, 2014

It's In The Bag: Getting Your Motivation Up

I'm not really into "trying," or "making an effort," or even "doing stuff."  For the most part, if you can't do it on the couch in your underpants then I'm not interested.  Still, that doesn't mean I don't have goals.  For example, one of my goals has always been to get banned from a Gran Fondo--and I'm pleased to announce that, without even trying, I've finally been banned from the Fredliest Fondo of them all:

I can only assume the "recent degrading comment" was about the guy in the Gran Fondo New York jersey who made me pump up his tire for him on New Year's Day:


By the way, the first person to correctly answer a trivia question in the comments wins the signed original of the above masterpiece:


Gran Fondo TT Dork
Medium: Crayola
Artist: Wildcat Rock Machine
Value: Priceless

Are you ready?  Here's the trivia question.  Now remember, no cheating!

Okay, here goes:

Who is this?


Now simply answer the question in the comments.  However, like "Jeopardy," you have to respond with the correct format, otherwise it doesn't count.  Here is the template for answering the trivia question properly.  Simply fill in the blanks:

"My name or Internet alias is ______.  The correct answer to the question you posed in your blog post of January 30th, 2014 is: _______.  The 'captcha' I was required to furnish in order to leave this comment was _______.  My email address is _____ [at] _______ [dot] ___.  I understand that, upon proper submission of the correct answer, you will contact me directly in order to arrange shipping.  Dorothy Rabinowitz is a horny space reptile from the planet Pubis.  I like cheese."

Good luck!

By the way, the cyclist above (hint: it's Stephen Roche) is going to be riding in the aforementioned Gran Fondo this year:


So be sure to sign up, because even though a gazillion Freds will be competing for his attention, I'm sure he'll want to be best friends and riding buddies with you forever.

Of course, now that I've been banned from an event I had no intention of even registering for, I feel empty inside, and I also have precious little motivation to continue my winter training, which has been quite grueling.  It's paying off too, because if you look at my Strava account you'll see I'm easily among the top 40 or 50 riders in my ZIP code--though in fairness there should be an asterisk* next to that, since I did use a Speed Up Bag:


The above was forwarded to me by a reader, and I'm really upset the video doesn't seem to be working because this thing looks sublimely dorktacular.  And check out this data:

And this chart:


And this guy hanging out his ball bag while he's riding:


Of course, what the inventors don't tell you is the "Speed Up Bag" is simply a fairing--and while a fairing does make you faster, it's also illegal to use in bicycle racing, which means if you're using a fairing you're not racing and are simply trying to go a few seconds faster while you ride by yourself because you're a complete and utter weenie.

Nevertheless, I'd consider one if it functioned as a hand dryer, like the kind you find in the men's room:


("Ba-WOOSH!")

It's also great for the corpulent Fred who needs to "portage" six or seven salami sandwiches with him while he's riding, or for the person who misses the shape and convenience of the glove compartment in his Hyundai.

Anyway, it's worth noting that nine out of every ten cycling products you find on crowdsourcing websites are the products of closeted dorks who can't come to terms with the fact that they should be riding a recumbent.  Either it's some ridiculous toilet seat of a saddle because the inventor can't get through a metric century without losing use of his schlong for six weeks, or else it's some contraption to make the bike slightly faster that's ineligible for competition under every single sanctioning body in the world.

Look, if you're so concerned with aerodynamics over everything else, then don't dick around with a "Speed Up Bag."  Just get in the fucking thing already, shatter your "personal best," and leave the rest of us alone:


(Extra-large Speed Up Bag containing both rider and bicycle)

You could have ten or twenty salami sandwiches in that thing without even compromising your aerodynamics.

Anyway, generally it's at this point in the winter when riders start scraping the empty peanut butter jar for tiny dollops of motivation, and we see videos of people talking about how great winter riding is--or at least that's what we assume they're saying, because their speech is slurred by their frozen mouths:



They all make some good points, though my favorite thing about riding is the taste of the road salt dust that's kicked up into your face by all the motor vehicle traffic.

I actually do like the crunching sound of salt on the road while I'm riding though.  I find it very pleasant--though I'm not sure it technically qualifies as gravel.  I suppose I'd better measure the size of the granules, because if they fall within gravel specifications then I'll need a new bike.  Then, I may promote a gravel race that will compete with the Gran Fondo New York, which I'll call the "Dirty Sanchez."

Does anyone know if Speed Up Bags are legal in gravel racing?

115 comments:

3G said...

FOIST!

Anonymous said...

I'm K.O.M.ing for pink, bitches!

Anonymous said...

Wait, wait, wait, I have to finish watching Jerry and Tina!

Flyover Bc said...

Podium?

obozo said...

fail

mikeweb said...

Speed bag kills.

Anonymous said...

PooooooOOP!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Toppus Tennus again.

Spokey said...

top 10?

Anonymous said...

Stephen Roche

Comment deleted said...

WCRM, you are also banned from my SuperSecrit Clubhouse, for derogatory remarks you once made about how I wear my glasses under my helment straps.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:22pm,

You did not answer in the correct format.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

Who is Major Taylor?

Kenny said...

"My name or Internet alias is _Kenney9226_____. The correct answer to the question you posed in your blog post of January 30th, 2014 is: _Stephen Roche______. The 'captcha' I was required to furnish in order to leave this comment was _assatre Katherine______. My email address is _fatdaddy72____ [at] _gmail______ [dot] _com__. I understand that, upon proper submission of the correct answer, you will contact me directly in order to arrange shipping. Dorothy Rabinowitz is a horny space reptile from the planet Pubis. I like cheese."

Mr Plow said...

I would answer the trivia question. But I can't afford a picture frame fancy enough to hold the prize.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Kenny,

Mazel tov!

--Wildcat Rock Machine

SunRAblue said...

My name or Internet alias is SUNRABLUE. The correct answer to the question you posed in your blog post of January 30th, 2014 is: Steven Roche. The 'captcha' I was required to furnish in order to leave this comment was __59886599 1382_____. My email address is superior_ [at] __uga__ [dot] _edu__. I understand that, upon proper submission of the correct answer, you will contact me directly in order to arrange shipping. Dorothy Rabinowitz is a horny space reptile from the planet Pubis. I like cheese.

Yarpo said...

Topp Twenners!

aaaaaaaaaaand...SCRANUS!

Anonymous said...

So now I need a winter sand and salt bike.

Fuck me..

Kenny said...

It's funny because I really DO like cheese!

g. said...

Man....
I really wanted that picture.

Fuck it, I'm gonna go rent a Monet.

Anonymous said...

My name or Internet alias is Annie Nomoosei.  The correct answer to the question you posed in your blog post of January 30th, 2014 is: Stephen Colbert. If I was a sperm, I'd consecrate my germ, and then continue. If I was a worm, I'd try to find a way that I could crawl up in you.  The 'captcha' I was required to furnish in order to leave this comment was Wthrso cow.  My email address is shit [at] crappers [dot] poo.  I understand that, upon proper submission of the correct answer, you, a majorly soggy douche burger, will contact me directly in order to arrange shipping.  Dorothy Rabinowitz is a fertile space reptile from the planet Pubis.  I like helmet sauce.

Anonymous said...

Banned from paying $269 for the privilege of riding 100 miles with a bunch of annoying dorks doesn't seem like much of a punishment. But you at least get a snazzy kit to advertise that you paid $269 miles to ride 100 miles with a bunch of annoying dorks.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

My parachute has gone limp.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Gran Fon-don't .

Anonymous said...

Anon 1:29

No, you don't understand ... you now need two (more) bicycles: one optimized for bikecycling on winter sand-strewn roads, and one for winter salt-strewn ro-- no, wait a minute, that's three new bicycles, one for sand, one for salt, and one for roads on which both sand and salt have been applied.

Herschel Raney said...

My name is DECON_MF. The correct answer to the question you posed in your blog post of January 30th, 2014 is: Stephen Roche. The 'captcha' I was required to furnish in order to leave this comment was 'slathered crotch'. My email address is nunya@noway [dot]com. I understand that, upon proper submission of the correct answer, you will contact me directly in order to arrange shipping. Dorothy Rabinowitz is a horny space reptile (a veritable dry rub dragon) from the planet Pubis. (Actually she is from the suburb of Crabs). I like cheese.

And fuck the robot test.

Abraham said...

just wrap your fat bike in pretzel dough for winter/salt riding

crosspalms said...

If I had a Speed Up Bag I might approach woo-hoo-hoo speed and the dreaded shimmy. Better not. I like living too much for that.

Bender's Shiny Metal Scranus said...

Next they're gonna make you turn in your Fred card so they can stamp REVOKED on it.

Anonymous said...

My name or Internet alias is Stephen Roche. The correct answer to the question you posed in your blog post of January 30th, 2014 is: Sean Kelly. The 'captcha' I was required to furnish in order to leave this comment was assfart1000. My email address is blowme [at] goggle [dot] dash. I understand that, upon proper submission of the correct answer, you will contact me directly in order to arrange shipping. Dorothy Rabinowitz is a sexless space reptile from the planet crotchrot. I like cheese-whiz and if my employer knew how much company time I spend on the internet I would quickly be out of a job.

mikeweb said...

@anon 1:32,

That paltry sum of $269 doesn't include the whole kit, only the jersey.

Not such a great deal then.

ass_backwards said...

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Yarpo said...

Snob,
Speed-Up Bags are now MANDATORY for gravel racing! The fines for failing to equip your gravel-eating steed with the Speed-Up Bag are astronomical. Don't make that mistake like the others...and if you line the inside with foil, you can keep pulled pork sliders with a little coleslaw on Hawaiian buns warm!

Yummmmm...pulled pork sliderzzzzzzz.....

trama said...

WCRM Tech Guru:
How do I properly store my Speedup bag for the winter? Is there some sort of wax I should apply like what comes on new tires?

RUCK SACK
AERO BAGS

heLail Autocrasy

mikeweb said...

WCRM,

What do I get if know the name of Stephen Roche's son who is currently a pro racer? (hint: it's Nicolas Roche)

Weird coincidence: just as I typed that, a client called me. His name is Nicholas Roach.

Whew! no mention of Roaches or roches in the robot detector.

Anonymous said...

If I had crosspalms on my speedup bag, I'd approach WOOHOOHOO speed and do the dreaded Shimmy all over the room, oh yeah!

Anonymous said...

Earmuffs do make a great Hanukkah gift. They help muffle the sound of my mother yelling, "Benny, are you going out on that bike in this weather? Be sure to wear a warm coat, and pick up some of that soup that I like." I never should have let her move in.

jay said...

you'll have to excuse me now; I'm taking myself where I want to go ...

dcee604 said...

"My name or Internet alias is _dcee604_____. The correct answer to the question you posed in your blog post of January 30th, 2014 is: _WHO IS STEPHEN ROCHE______. The 'captcha' I was required to furnish in order to leave this comment was _JMYOURC WILLIAM______. My email address is _dcee604____ [at] __gmail_____ [dot] _com__. I understand that, upon proper submission of the correct answer, you will contact me directly in order to arrange shipping. Dorothy Rabinowitz is a horny space reptile from the planet Pubis. I like cheese."

Anonymous said...

I predict a spike in fisticuffs on the so-called "gravel racing" circuit due to the close resemblance of "nice Speed Up Bag" and "Speed Up D-Bag"

BamaPhred said...

Props to Kenny

Are we left to infer that the pompous Fred who wanted to be pumped was the object of today's contempt?

Lost in the snow

Whacems these

JB said...

Most rock salt is probably a coarse sand, technically. That fancy salt is probably medium sand.

You don't need a new bike to go between medium and coarse sand riding, but you will need to change tires, tire pressure, and cassettes.

Anonymous said...

I say poach the sucker and ride anyway. If Fred-bashing is outlawed, only outlaws will poach fondos

ouabacher said...

Looks like a run of limited edition prints are in order. I reserve no. 69, BABY!

Regular guy said...

I'm glad people are pushing their personal envelopes of what is comfortable riding weather, but we call that autumn riding around these parts. Criminy, there's even someone ripsticking pleasantly along at 2:14.

If there's no snow on the ground, it's not winter, it's just cold out.


Buffalo Bill said...

That is not what winter rides look like in my neck of americas dandruff dusted scalp.

samuel said...

I can't afford a speed up bag. Do you think I'd get a similar affect if i were to wear my back pack on my front? I'd have to put a bunch of stuff in it to be sure it maintained a rounded shape, but it seems not unlikely. Also I'd have to sit more upright. Maybe i could flip my drop handle bars into upright dui mode.

ouabacher said...

I see a kick starter campaign in there, Samuel. Quikflip DUI stem anyone?

Super Mario Cipo said...

The captcha I was required to furnish in order to leave this comment was G3t Pu55y

DB said...

Hmm...
Many good comments so far today.
Early faves are Comment Deleted at 1:22, and g at 1:31.
Good post, Snob.
And, yeah, your water bottle will be frozen ballast today.

ge© said...

What I want to know is how much the speed bag will improve my mileage while on the roof rack of my Hyundai.

What a relief - late to the game so avoided the dillema of disclosing my email address to the world to win (or worse, not win) a crappy drawing.

Smedley Burkhart said...

If I get a salt bike, I'll just want a pepper bike come spring. I think I'll wait until high summer and get a melted cheese bike for the Gran Fondue.

Anonymous said...

nyc winter cycing is about non college educated mexican/chinese/black people riding two wheeled sometimes semi powered bikes in the fuck all cold to deliver crap to the people in this fucking film....

that jew with the coffee and the citi bike was just too much...

that someone actually made that film and then thought it was a good enough idea to show it to society that snob found it and....ugh....wait.....did snob make that video?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

... this just in . is it a foreshadowing for us NYers?

artists anyfail... yes robot

McFly said...

Who is Billy Zane before $68,000 worth of dental work?

DB said...

Is that you, CJ?

Smedley making a move for COD.

Anonymous said...

To make your gravel/salt bike ridable on Kosher salt, just add Payos to your bar ends. Unfortunately, these will counteract the efficiency gained with your Speed Up Bag.

ouabacher said...

Hard to see that video in this bright, 82 deg. Sun in Jamaica. And, yes I'm wasting the time down here commenting on this blog. Back in Canada's snowy cold scranus in 24.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JB said...

Bikes:

I'm transforming my old 26er mtn bike into a big-bmx/cruiser type thingy. Putting a rigid fork back on, then a bmx-y stem and a low-rise (4"?) bmx-style bars. I'm leaving he gears, for now, but going 1x8 would be pretty easy.

Anyone done this? Recommendations for cheap-but-good stems and bars?

McFly said...

I saw a girl riding a bike in the park yesterday. I offered her an apple.

She declined and turned to leave and I jumped on her back and yelled GIDDY UP and started smacking her ass.

So it looks like I have a restraining order headed my way. At least they already have my contact information.

babble on said...

L.O.L. !!

It's excellent that you still have such worthy goals after all of your worldly success, snobbers.

So... something has been troubling me since that first post of the year: will the leg warmers which bunch round the ankles really slow me down? And does that mean that wearing a hoodie (even if the hood is down) is akin to resistance training? And taking it further, will these and all the other wardrobe gaffes make me faster in the end?

crosspalms said...

My name or Internet alias is Inigo Montoya. Blah, blah, blah, alittd has, blah blah, blah, You killed my father, Dorothy Rabinowitz, blah blah blah, I like cheese. Prepare to die.

McFly said...

JB I am doing that to an old Trek with 1 x 7. The Jensen USA site has an XC Line of bars that are super cheap and durable. You can find a stem on there fir cheap as well.

Russell Sawyer said...

Who is Stephen "Don't Piss in the Soup" Roche

DB said...

What I learned this morning:
Counterfeit 100$ bills in NYC, prostitution arrests up in advance of Super Bowl and republican rep from Statin island goes berserk.
Related? Hmmmm.

DB said...

Crosspalms for the win.
Nice finish, sir.

Anonymous said...

"My name or Internet alias is Dorothy Rabinowitz. The correct answer to the question you posed in your blog post of January 30th, 2014 is: Howard Stern's Penis. The 'captcha' I was required to furnish in order to leave this comment was Car Pet Mun Cher. My email address is hag [at] dried [dot] twat. I understand that, upon proper submission of the correct answer, you will contact me directly in order to arrange shipping. Stephen Roche is a horny space reptile from the planet Pubis. I like cheese."

JLRB said...

Day-late said

Fat Bottom Girls - get on your horse and ride!

Dooth said...

Speed Up Bags? Nothing new. The Chinese food delivery guys have been using them for years.

RoadQueen said...

Fuck the police AND the Fondo!

Roille Figners said...

the Chuurch of Apathy

"The Church of Apathy is a place for those enlightened enough to understand that there is no god, meaning to life, or such thing as free will to enjoy our indifference and the failure it inevitably breeds, because it is easier and, within the context of the big picture of the impermanent universe in which we reside, holds the same value as trying and "succeeding" - absolutely zero. That's it."

JB said...

McFly, which "XC" bars are speaking of? I didn't see anything called XC on Jensen, in Bmx or otherwise. You're not talking about cross-country mtn bike bars, are you? Thanks

mikeweb said...

RF,

I'm a non-practicing member of that church.

But then gain, aren't all its members?

robot checker:
abstinence erricf

Sucks to be Eric.

McFly said...

Yeah. I got some 100 mm which is roughly 4 in. $12.99

babble on said...

The Ach of Churpathy? Sign me up, or in, or whatever...

JB said...

Got it McFly. How are you going to 1x7? Chainkeeper or one of those new fangled thick/thin chainrings?

mikeweb said...

Hold the presses!!

Important news for McFly from the New York Times.

robot detector:
gersens lockbox

No shit.

DB said...

What's this bicycle talk?

chuck said...

Can I use the Speedup Bag in offseason CX practice? #selfhandupsareacrime

DB said...

Thank you, Mikeweb!
I have waiting for someone to expose that important news.

Anonymous said...

Il mio nome o Internet alias è malato Lion King. La risposta corretta alla domanda che si pone in tuo post sul blog del 30 GENNAIO 2014 è: Estaban Rochinno. Il 'captcha' mi è stato richiesto di fornire, al fine di lasciare questo commento è stato Salat Putanesca. Il mio indirizzo e-mail è cipo [at] pizzaschmizza [dot] it. Capisco che, dopo debita presentazione della risposta corretta, si metterà in contatto con direttamente per organizzare il trasporto. Marco Cavendish è uno spazio rettile cornea dal ManMissle pianeta. Mi piace l'olio d'oliva.

Spokey said...

Hey MikeWeb! Where are all the examples?

There aren't any answers. Typical of the NYT. Are two Brazilians worth 1 in the bush? Does this mean no more Brazil nuts in the bush?





nitric eckehpt - makes you go a WooHoo speed.

babble on said...

Ohhhhhhhhh I'm a weenie-dork, but that's okaaaaaaaaaaay, I boink all night and I ride all daaaaaaaaay...

So I would like to know:
where DOES a girl go to collect stravadorktastic podium kisses? Hmmmmmmm? Precisely how should a girl celebrate being crowned the Queen of "Up Yours?" Heh heh. Seems fitting somehow, don't you think?

Spokey said...

So babs

What you're saying is you ride all night and ride all day?

Here's kisses to you. Not that these are worth anything. Just don't go around boinking the police like queenie says she does @ 3:36 pm




citiumen small - who says it's small?

Blog Drafter said...

Who'd name their son Roach?

I already printed out your picture, since you goofed and signed it already, and it's already hanging in a frame beside a picture of angels and another of a bridge.

Thanks.

Oh, and bacchus letench, and Scranus.

Roille Figners said...

Bacchus letench my friend, bacchus letench.

babble on said...

Spokey
Precisely. That's how I learned to speak dork so fluently.

Oh, and thank you. :D

McFly said...

Probably just try it straight up at first. Then add a keeper if necessary. I usually make crap like that at work.

Nacnud said...

My son told me of a church going friend of his who told him that Jesus(TM) does not like apathetic Christians. The friend then suggested that my son would be welcome to attend his (the friends) place of worship,
My son replied 'Maybe'.

41 Communist degrees here today (104 acres in the old money). Hot ride home tonight. Uphill. Gerfuckenzie!

McFly said...

Enuf biketalk. Babble tell us the story about gripping with your thighs and knees and thrusting in various directions again. It was good.

Speed Baggius said...

$269 for some Grand Fondue? Jesus I can buy a stolen craiglist bike and pay for posh voice lessons for half that amount.

Dorothy Rabinowitz Rides on the Sidewalk said...

First, the good: Perhaps my favorite aspect of the Speed Up Bag is that batteries are not required. Also, the fact that it requires 0 kwh/yr fuel consumption should receive honorable mention.

Now the not so good:
Note that in the "comparison of cycling velocity" chart the maximum velocity reached is just around 37 mph, nowhere close to Woohoo speed, so that lab work was about as pointless as a video titled "Winter Ride" that doesn't even include snow (wtf?). And in that ridiculous picture depicting "air flow," how much could drag be reduced if he just leaned a little more forward and stuck his head in the bag? 400%? 8000% 3200000%? Who knows.

McFly said...

XLC, sorry. And I see they are now 10.99, now you got 2 bucks for a 40 or a white Xanax or whatever blows your hair back.

babble on said...

Ah, you caught that, did you? Well, really, what's the point in having thighs of steel if you can't use em to grip yer saddle?

Car Fodder said...

Video of some suv douche and a guy on a bike having a dust-up in Vancouver town. The battle continues it would seem.

Panty Wasted said...

I enjoyed a Grand Fondle last night and in only cost a few PBRs.

McFly said...

I think ZERP just unveiled a new 26" tubeless disc MTB wheel JB. They will be pretty rad until you jab a stick through them.

Matt said...

I like cheese, er, fuck, I did it wrong.

Matt said...

and how come everyone else gets the cool Captchas? 12254 3652245? Shit, another boring one. I can't even get 867 5309. Oh well, it is still the case that Dorothy Rabinowitz is a horny space reptile from the planet Pubis.

Anonymous said...

I like to keep the Strava crowd motivated. I use it on my mototcycle. Funny how I'm number one on many of the routes.

Next years fad will be the Salt Rock bike, which features an extra bottle cage, and a toothbrush holder. Hummmm Kickstarter here I come...

John Holmes said...

What you call a Speed Bag I refer to as a KuKu Penthouse.....

Mc"Pant Pant"Fly said...

I thought Nicolas Roche' legal name WAS "Nicolas Roche is the son of former TDF winner Stephen Roche" 'cause you never hear Phil or Paul talk about him without that byline.

It was a balmy 42 here in the Moonshine State yesterday and this White Trash hit the Rape Trail and let me tell you....I am at a new level of out of shape.

JB said...

McFly, you can't just try 1x7 up front and see if it works. One must exhaustedly research every possibility on the mtbr forums and then buy a bunch of parts that won't work together. Then, after a 2-month break from the project, you just try it and see if works. Get with the program, McFly.

JLRB said...

I like the cheese that grows on Dorothy Rabinowitz
and I can not lie

reminds me of a story

MrCatPoop said...

Pedant alert: "these" not "this" data.

babble on said...

Car Fodder - The cyclist is a local courier who was trying to do a dumb-ass move, turning left into a bike lane against the flow of one-way traffic in the middle of the busiest intersection in the whole city. Talk about asking for it...

Anonymous said...

Pedant alert #2:

These criteria

This criterion

Not because anyone said either one; just getting the word out.

DB said...

Good one, Matt.

Freya George said...

Thank you, Mikeweb!I have waiting for someone to expose that important news. Now heading over to BBC for news about meet and greet at Gatwick

Sohaib Ahmed said...

What you call a Speed Bag I refer to as a KuKu Penthouse.....
meet and greet gatwick

carla grace said...

Keen elaboration of all the humorous facts regarding cycling is quite enjoyable. gatwick airport parking

perry cole said...

Cycling is not just a hobby or a sport on the television. Its becoming a passion all around the world for the people are getting used to the passionate sport and taking it up as a hobby. valet parking gatwick

Anonymous said...


............Nice..^_^v................