Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Into the Wednesday Vortex.

Saw this on the Twitter this morning:


Uh, I know this is supposed to make us feel bad, but here in Canada's soft underbelly we prefer to interpret that data a little differently:


I mean, come on.  Riding a bike to school, really?  Everybody knows that all the cool kids show up to school in plastic cars:


("Should I stop for that kid on the bike I just clipped?  Nah, fuck it.")

By the way, like most smug cyclists, I base all my opinions on easily-digestible infographics like this one, and I never question where the data comes from, nor do I wonder if any of those non-cycling kids are getting to school any other healthy way, like walking.

Just kidding.  99% of American children are too fat to walk, as you can see from this infographic:

And this one:


Wanna know why China's taking over the world?  It's because their kids ride scuba bikes.

Speaking of scuba bikes, a commenter on yesterday's post mentioned the following article about a New Zealand woman who fell off a bike lane while protesting how narrow it was:


Ms Crowe said she had got off her bike and was attempting to manoeuvre around pedestrians on the narrow footpath when she lost her footing. She had dismounted as part of a continuing protest against the cycleways along Rocks Rd, which she considers unsafe.

Fortunately though, she was wearing her helment--and her wetsuit:

It would have been much worse if she had not been wearing her wetsuit or helmet, said Ms Crowe, a Nelson Marlborough District Health Board member. She said she would not have fallen had the pathway been wider and the chained barriers higher.

So the path is narrower than the typical road bike "Q factor" and the chain is lower than the rim profile of a crabon wheelset, yet apparently that's fine as long as you're wearing a wetsuit?

Sounds about right.

Even so, I'm sure that if she had drowned, even while wearing a wetsuit, the article would have gone out of its way to point out that "the victim was not riding a scuba bike."

Meanwhile, the "sport" of pro cycling has yet to exorcise its demons, and even after all the confessions and the "reasoned decision" and all the rest of it, pro teams continue to make their riders wear their kits while standing around on stage in regular shoes during launches:


When will these ridiculous displays of male camel toe end?  Everybody knows that, when wearing clothing like this, you should never be more than a foot away from a bicycle at any time.  Not only is it vital to give passers-by some context for your stupid attire, but you also need the bicycle to obscure your genital region.  Even if you're just running into the store for a minute you should place your helment over your groin, or at the very least carry your front wheel with you.  So why can't they just put the riders in regular clothes during these things and then show the press pictures of everybody wearing the kits and riding their bikes during the launch?  Otherwise, just whip 'em out already and get it over with, since that's the effect they seem to be going for anyway:


(Cannondale appears to have built an entire team around Peter Sagan's penis for the upcoming season.)

So yeah, it's my "reasoned decision" that these guys should put on some freaking pants when they're not actually riding.

In other pro cycling news, I'm afraid to say I'm inexcusably late in mentioning the latest scandal, which shall heretofore be known as "Pubegate:"



Using the pseudonym "Sir Cockhardt", the employee of Lincoln County Hospital posted: "I was going to save the pubes from the first patient I shaved today and stick them on Wiggins-style", a disciplinary hearing of the Health and Care Professions Council (HCPC) was told.

"Sir Cockhardt?"  For shame!  I'd expect more decorum from someone who's earned an honorific title.  Anyway, this is what happens when you have a publicly-funded healthcare system, and the specter of hospital employees shaving your pubes and gluing them onto their faces should be all the political ammunition this country needs to make sure we never, ever see any kind of healthcare reform ever again.


(Under Obamacare, hospitals will shave your pubes and sell them to novelty facial hair companies in order to fund his liberal agenda.)

Lastly, someone has finally invented a bike light that tells everyone else how fast you're going:


I'm not sure why.

102 comments:

Anonymous said...

I wish there was a Preparation H for people who talk so much that a constant wind of flatulence is exuded from their mouths. You would spread it on their lips and shrink their swollen face sphincters.

DB said...

Present.

yeah Cleveland! said...

First?

Anonymous said...

Podium

Ass Hat

Hemmoroids

yeah Cleveland! said...

Nope. 3rd.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Pube post.

thegock said...

Podium miss

Notsosanta Klaus said...

Tep ton

Anonymous said...

I agree with the first comment.

theEel said...

weed!

babble on said...

Is it Wednesday already?

Anonymous said...

Swoosh

babble on said...

OMG now I have to wear a wet-suit, too? How EVER will I show off my bits in THAT??!

Er... those mutton chops did turn my tummy just a little.

Anonymous said...

I see the problem for bike lane lady. Those people drive on the wrong side of the road!

babble on said...

I am hoping the whole athletic wear as fashion trend just continues merrily on because mmmmmmm male camel toe.

mikeweb said...

Tried my best on the lead-out DB.

Oh well...

Anonymous said...

Babbs,

This might help...

http://www.wetsuitwearhouse.com/page/WW/KM105WG?utm_source=googlepla&utm_medium=cse&utm_term=KM105WG&utm_campaign=Roxy&gclid=CJbPzaSJ77sCFUsV7AodmX8AFw

Anonymous said...

I find the term "FAT BIKE" offensive.

mikeweb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Epic Podium Comment

Anonymous said...

Soooooo, she just happened to be wearing a wetsuit when she just happened to accidentally fall off the path by mistake and accidentally happened to land in the water?

Is "wetsuit" New Zealandish for "rainsuit"?

JB said...

BIG-BONED BIKE?

mikeweb said...

I see Ted King toward the back of the group shot.

A New Hampshire dude is way too smart to participate in that man-pile.

JLRB said...


Ha ha ha ha
"It shows your speed of travel, making drivers re-assess their rate of approach"

Stupid kickstarters think drivers give a fuck what speed you are going

ha ha ha ha

hmm

Peter Sagans penis said...

Waiting for Cippo to finish...

crosspalms said...

The light shows numbers to prove you're not a robot.

13 25566829

Looks like I'll need five of them.

McFly said...

On your [SPLASH] gurggle gurggle....left....

Anonymous said...

Comments on post -
1. If one falls off a rocky bike lane in New Zealand are you assaulted by orc or rock trolls?

2. Does that bike light that shows your speed do minus numbers? Us slow guys need to know.

cycle

Anonymous said...

too cold to ride still here in NYC. I'm thinking of taking a sickie tomorrow so I can enjoy a long ride in the balmy 30+ degree weather. I'm surprised that many Chinese kids ride their bikes to school each day, I thought most would be riding to IPhone Factories for their daily 18 hour shift.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

this may hold you over, Babs...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/lcoknits/3326344084/

mikeweb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mikeweb said...

I think Sir Bradley needs to get 'out front' of this story by shaving his mutton chops and using the hair to create a merkin for some unfortunate hospital patient.

Freddy Murcks said...

If they are going to make bike lights that display text, can I get one for street riding that says "I suck and I'm slow, please don't run me over."

And Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne, thanks a lot for posting that that link without a warning. I am going to have to go wash my eyeballs now. However, it is unfortunate but true that what is seen can never be unseen.

228 952464435

Anonymous said...

Is the Monica Spear shock compatable with the Uzzi frame?

Too soon?

Too soon.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...my pubes were growing sir sideburns.

balls™ said...

Isn't the term for male camel-toe supposed to be referred to as, "SPANDICKS?"

Let us all hope that no pro team adopts the kuku penthouse. Although, the podium ceremony might drop out of the TV coverage of the major races and that's not all bad.


scranus?

babble on said...

Thank you, Balls! Yes, yes, it is. And yes, thank you, that link should tide me over for a bit, oh esteemed one.

Comment deleted said...

In polite society, it's referred to as a "mooseknuckle".

And that is a very unfortunate shadow in that picture, giving every appearance of a perfect beaver.

BamaPhred said...

Judy Crowe, image and style consultant in New Zealand.
Now you know.
At least she has a bike lane and footpath to fall from. Ride you some Alabama dead possum carcass coated road scranus and get back to me.

McFly said...

Judy Crowe....I have the weirdest boner right now....


I thought Male Camel toe was MOOSE KNUCKLE...

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Moose Knuckles Make Camel Toes Look Weak

...dedicated to Babble... cuz, you know, vancouver... and moose knuckle

JLRB said...

Lob help me if I ever go to an image and style consultant. Especially one who bicylecyclerides in a wetsuit - not a good image but possibly very stylish

babble on said...

Aw shucks. Thanks. Yer too kind...

babble on said...

JLRB - right?! especially if y1ou go to one who is dressed like that

Dooth said...

To a guy with a foot fetish (me!) a camel toe is an appetizer before the main dish.

ge© said...

What she neglected to admit was she was wearing the wetsuit to sweat off a few pounds for her New Year's resolution, had to dismount and walk her bike due to heat exhaustion and dehydration, but passed out and fell into the ocean anyway. True story.

Robot guard keeps trying to give me its phone number.

eVillager said...

Give us poor perverts a break at let the lads display their colorfully spandex clad packages with no shame. I think Snob doth protest too much.

JLRB said...

Babs - her stylish website needs to show before pics - not sure how bad those subjects were before she got done with them but they are a sad looking lot after she worked her magic - but then again, New Zealand

New Zealand Rick said...

I AM NOT FOOKIN AUSSIE MATE.

Anonymous said...

What's going on in London's cycling community:
#TfLKillingTruth #StopTheKilling #StopKillingCyclists
http://goo.gl/J40d9x

Anonymous said...

@JLRB,

Those are before and after pics*

Before = guy not wearing suit
After = guy wearing suit

So essentially, men loose the jeans/shorts and put on a suit without the tie. That will be a million New Zealandish dollarinos (about $2.50 in American fun tickets)

*It was the bald X-Files ADA Skinner look-alike that tipped me off.

JB said...

What's up to every one, for the reason that I am really keen of
reading this weblog's post to be updated on a regular basis.
It carries pleasant data.

dancesonpedals said...

is it giving her too much benefit of the doubt, to suppose she was riding in a trisuit, but the reporter called it a wetsuit so readers would under stand? Even Lloyd Bridges didn't bicycle in a wetsuit.

aeneth moves

Anonymous said...

@JB,

Yes, yes it does carry pleasant data.

Anonymous said...

I actually HAVE seen someone ride in a wetsuit. It was 40° merikan and raining so i guess dude was trying to stay warm. Then again, that guy always looks like a dui rider* so who knows...

*P.O.S. Huffy mtb, moving at 3mph, with a 24 pack balanced on the top tube. You know the type... he plastic bagged the beer that day and i thanked him for helping to portray bicylingcyclingcyclists in a positive light.

Herschel Raney said...

The scary thing about that first graphic is that supposedly the Chinese have the worst vehicular drivers in the world. 60% of like a Billion children = a shitload. Where is the slaughter and death graphic for cycling deaths in China?

And fake sideburns are skeery too. Just sayin.

Oh yeah, and fuck that robot test.

Anonymous said...

Those mutton chops are a reverse merkin!

Udder said...

Those muttonchops are a reverse merkin!

Anonymous said...

Wetsuit cycling for the win! (And a special prize to anyone who can explain this video...)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T71Xqkxbl0s

Anonymous said...

Scratch and sniff side burns?

Roille Figners said...

Yeah I'm thinking that rather than the rear-facing speed display, I like a more direct message, like "please don't kill me" and so forth. But see, then you're offending people who already weren't going to kill you. Like I would totally kill a dude for that. So I guess we're left with just shutting the fuck up.

JB are you sure you're not a robot? Or maybe a Nigerian spammer? Cuz that is the best sentence ever.

Roille Figners said...

sentence(s)

Cipo's agent said...

Never mind the flimsy coverings -
is it too soon to post this again?
NSFW etc etc

http://critiquemydickpic.tumblr.com/

JLRB said...

children in china bicyclecucle with scuba packs 'cause air pollution

Cipo's oil supplier said...

With added meta-analysis

http://thehairpin.com/2014/01/what-ive-learned-from-my-side-job-critiquing-dick-pics

JLRB said...

Anon 4:18 - Please post the version with subtitles

Cipo's oil supplier said...

With added meta-analysis

http://thehairpin.com/2014/01/what-ive-learned-from-my-side-job-critiquing-dick-pics

Cipo's oil supplier said...

With added meta-analysis

http://thehairpin.com/2014/01/what-ive-learned-from-my-side-job-critiquing-dick-pics

JLRB said...

Anon 3:32 - I think you are on to something, but it ruins my pointless post

JLRB said...

pheasant data

JLRB said...

Have a nice day!

JB said...

Roille, it is the best sentence e-Var, but I can't take credit. I took it from a spam comment a few above mine, since it deserved repeating. Apparently the original has been deleted. I'm glad I've stored it for posterity.

Anonymous said...

A couple of items in today's BSNYC column would benefit from a little additional exposition;

1) The hospital where the pubic fiend was plotting his follicle follies is called "Lincoln". An online search of "Lincoln sex act" will reveal why this is notable.

2) Russell Crowe is NZ born and has the same surname as the aquatically prone NZ woman featured in today's treatise. That's something.

crosspalms said...

Data's always pleasant. It's his brother, Lore, you have to watch out for.


robot detector just told me my birthdate. creepy

Scuba Steve said...

Scuba Bikes?
Water Whips?
Sea Sleds?

http://scubadoo.com.au/

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I run dual tanks under the seat on my recumbent scuba bike. Twice the volume for epic undersea adventure. Extra ballast down low is nice too when I'm rolling around topside.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anyone else sense a trend here? Yesterday, it was how to prepare your bike for underwater storage. Today it's scuba bikes.

Tomorrow will be how to set up rollers in the Beebe-Barton Bathysphere.

Focus503 said...

Under pubicly funded hospital schemes, doctors will shave your bits and sell them to novelty facial hair companies in order to fund the country's labial agenda.

Blog Drafter said...

Actually, the makers of that light make a good point in their description of the product. If you can get an enraged, too-emotional driver to think a bit about the information being displayed on the light it will tug them back to a more rational mind state, if only briefly. Of course, their less-emotional-more-rational mind will just think, "Effin dork" and run you over anyway, but at least you will not be the victim of blind rage.

I've always known I'm an Inconsistent Edociest, but does a robot have to remind me?

Roille Figners said...

Pleasant Data, everyone.


esuckat queen

WPVelo said...

There actually was a brake light for automotive devices (my other bike) that flashed according to your rate of deceleration. If braking gently for an expected stop or turn, it flashed slowly. If standing on the binders trying to avoid calamity, it flashed rapidly. And all points in-between. But that was back before airbags poked your eyes out if you bumped a curb. The good ol' hey what was i talking about? Wednesday huh?

Washedup said...

I'm sure it was probably a drysuit before she fell in the ocean.

Won Hung Lo said...

Those kids aren't on scuba bikes, they're support riders carrying tanks of compressed co2 for fat bikers who might need a flat fixed.

McFly said...

How far us it to that sand bar you ask? 3 miles as the Crowe swims......

McFly said...

And I want to thank anon for advising me to get the 5th Element Air rebuilt. That baby cost like $450 new. I knew you had a good heart Anon.....if that is your real name.

Get off the fucking road said...

There is no fucking way 2% of kids ride bicycles to school in Australia. Maybe a few years back, but all the SUV mums have killed any foolhardy enough to try to ride a bike near a school - with the obligatory "no criminality suspected". Cakes and lattes wait for no mum - must rush to stuff their faces and keep the obesity rate in world champion territory.

BamaPhred said...

While you were checking out the moose knuckles on Jezebel who noticed this snippet

I'm not sure wearing a remote controlled sex toy is a good idea. Unless you happen to like random anonymous pseudo-sex with the NSA.

Dave said...

Hmm, mystery solved. Judy Crowe was ride-testing the Bluetooth Panty Vibrator and someone butt-dialed her clitoraceaous regions, and she fell over. Being embarrassed, she made up a cock-and-bull story about the perfectly adequate bike path and the weird narrow walking trail, etc. The wet suit is just a red herring.

randy said...

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mikeweb said...

I think this trumps male cyclists who squeeze themselves into Lycra and make a man-pile on stage.

Who knew this was even a thing...?

Anonymous said...

eeewww.


Insane oisdicy

yes, Captcha - dicy indeed.

Anonymous said...

McFly: You're welcome, always glad to help! I'd definitely go with the 5th over the RS. Progressive is still building suspension components, though not for bicycles, and might be the best option for a rebuild. That Uzzi of yours is a nice ride. I used to lust over that bike and all things Intense.

McFly said...

Yeah its a fine frame. From what I understand they are kind of like the Harley of MTB.
1) Made in the USA

2) A lil heavy

3) Bullet-proof

Found a guy that does them for $90. Its made by Progressive Suspension. They are primarily the premier MX suspenion guys. Roy Turner, who was the team manager of Kawasaki Racing at the time, started the bike line.

I just made me an alum hard tail insert this morning so I am not MTB-less while Cananadia fixes the 5th.

JB said...

Hi
Thanks for sharing these article marketing tips with people. This is very important information that you share. Article marketing tips are very useful for people

yeah Cleveland! said...

mikeweb,
Men dolls aren't the oddest thing I've ever seen but up there that's for sure. I suppose we should be glad they picked latex over real skin ala Silence of the Lambs.

Cipo said...

I enjoy nothing more than sharing a tip with someone. One coated in Tuscan olive oil.....

Euro Spondee said...

Kind of salivting at the prospect of Snob laying into Governor Christie over 'bridge-gate'...
Let it rip Snob

Euro Spondee said...

Hey, is wiwm in the house - almost your moment, mate

wishiwasmerckx said...

Candy from a baby...

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and 100th!

Euro Spondee said...

Don't mention it, mate

fhfr436 said...

This problem of regular shoes with bike kits is the exact reason why Sidi Podium shoes exist.
https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&docid=BFlxNB176SaAMM&tbnid=k54ftF7jK2D4qM:&ved=0CAUQjRw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.flickr.com%2Fphotos%2F18842924%40N03%2F7276447708%2F&ei=Z0zQUrOfHsmfrAGt8oFo&bvm=bv.59026428,d.aWc&psig=AFQjCNGQINUbhrIVibbW6ryt57oKf6gXQw&ust=1389469145855865