Into the Wednesday Vortex.

Saw this on the Twitter this morning:

Uh, I know this is supposed to make us feel bad, but here in Canada's soft underbelly we prefer to interpret that data a little differently:

I mean, come on.  Riding a bike to school, really?  Everybody knows that all the cool kids show up to school in plastic cars:

("Should I stop for that kid on the bike I just clipped?  Nah, fuck it.")

By the way, like most smug cyclists, I base all my opinions on easily-digestible infographics like this one, and I never question where the data comes from, nor do I wonder if any of those non-cycling kids are getting to school any other healthy way, like walking.

Just kidding.  99% of American children are too fat to walk, as you can see from this infographic:

And this one:

Wanna know why China's taking over the world?  It's because their kids ride scuba bikes.

Speaking of scuba bikes, a commenter on yesterday's post mentioned the following article about a New Zealand woman who fell off a bike lane while protesting how narrow it was:

Ms Crowe said she had got off her bike and was attempting to manoeuvre around pedestrians on the narrow footpath when she lost her footing. She had dismounted as part of a continuing protest against the cycleways along Rocks Rd, which she considers unsafe.

Fortunately though, she was wearing her helment--and her wetsuit:

It would have been much worse if she had not been wearing her wetsuit or helmet, said Ms Crowe, a Nelson Marlborough District Health Board member. She said she would not have fallen had the pathway been wider and the chained barriers higher.

So the path is narrower than the typical road bike "Q factor" and the chain is lower than the rim profile of a crabon wheelset, yet apparently that's fine as long as you're wearing a wetsuit?

Sounds about right.

Even so, I'm sure that if she had drowned, even while wearing a wetsuit, the article would have gone out of its way to point out that "the victim was not riding a scuba bike."

Meanwhile, the "sport" of pro cycling has yet to exorcise its demons, and even after all the confessions and the "reasoned decision" and all the rest of it, pro teams continue to make their riders wear their kits while standing around on stage in regular shoes during launches:

When will these ridiculous displays of male camel toe end?  Everybody knows that, when wearing clothing like this, you should never be more than a foot away from a bicycle at any time.  Not only is it vital to give passers-by some context for your stupid attire, but you also need the bicycle to obscure your genital region.  Even if you're just running into the store for a minute you should place your helment over your groin, or at the very least carry your front wheel with you.  So why can't they just put the riders in regular clothes during these things and then show the press pictures of everybody wearing the kits and riding their bikes during the launch?  Otherwise, just whip 'em out already and get it over with, since that's the effect they seem to be going for anyway:

(Cannondale appears to have built an entire team around Peter Sagan's penis for the upcoming season.)

So yeah, it's my "reasoned decision" that these guys should put on some freaking pants when they're not actually riding.

In other pro cycling news, I'm afraid to say I'm inexcusably late in mentioning the latest scandal, which shall heretofore be known as "Pubegate:"

(via Twitter)

Using the pseudonym "Sir Cockhardt", the employee of Lincoln County Hospital posted: "I was going to save the pubes from the first patient I shaved today and stick them on Wiggins-style", a disciplinary hearing of the Health and Care Professions Council (HCPC) was told.

"Sir Cockhardt?"  For shame!  I'd expect more decorum from someone who's earned an honorific title.  Anyway, this is what happens when you have a publicly-funded healthcare system, and the specter of hospital employees shaving your pubes and gluing them onto their faces should be all the political ammunition this country needs to make sure we never, ever see any kind of healthcare reform ever again.

(Under Obamacare, hospitals will shave your pubes and sell them to novelty facial hair companies in order to fund his liberal agenda.)

Lastly, someone has finally invented a bike light that tells everyone else how fast you're going:

I'm not sure why.