Thursday, January 9, 2014

If It Rains, Take The Bus. (Or Play Cards, Same Diff.)

Today's post must needs be brief-ish because none of your business, but I have seen the future of bicycle-cycling, and this is not it:

 

The music, on the other hand, has gnawed its way into my brain like termites through a "beefy" wooden bottom bracket junction:



I wonder if you can build a wooden bike with "Geared," the bicycle-building card game:

 

Seems to me that, if you and your friends are the sorts of terminal bike dorks who would play a game like this on a rainy day, you might as well pile up a bunch of spare parts and build an actual bike.  At the very least, break out the arts and crafts supplies and build a sweet fixie out of popsicle sticks, pipe cleaners, and elbow macaroni.

Then again, I do see tremendous branding potential in a bike-building card game inasmuch as it lends itself very well to co-branding, especially with NAHBS coming up in a couple months.  For example, just imagine how much fun it would be to play a Vanilla card came.  That's right, now you can experience the thrill of ordering a custom bicycle from a company that's so popular they don't even want anything to do with you.  You don't even need to leave your kitchen table to come away empty-handed!


As of June, 2011 the wait for a custom Vanilla is over five years.

We will not be accepting any deposits in 2011, but we are keeping a list of interested parties. If you want to track progress on this matter, you can email us requesting to be added to the list, or just sign up for The Vanilla Journal, and get your updates there.

So wait, that was almost three years ago now.  Does that mean the wait is down to two years, or it's gone up to eight years?  Who knows?  Either way, the Vanilla card game would be extremely inexpensive to produce, because all you'd need would be a single card that says, "We're not accepting deposits, now go buy a Speedwagen."  Then you could just move on to "Candy Land: Portland Edition!"


(Candy Land: Portland Edition! is only available as a limited vinyl release from Kill Rock Stars.)

The cards say stuff like, "Oh no!  You crashed trying to ride over the tram tracks!  Move back five spaces," and the winner is the player who eventually saves up enough money to move to Brooklyn.  ("Chutes and Ladders: Brooklyn Edition" sold separately.)

A Richard Sachs Cycles bike building card game would also be a lot of fun.  Here's a typical playing card:


("Oooh, I got the 'atmo' card again!")

Not sure if you noticed, but he uses the phrase "atmo" a lot, much to the chagrin of his auto-correct.

Actually, a NAHBS-branded home game wouldn't be a bad idea either:


Except NAHBS organizer Don Walker, who owns the concept of showing fancy bikes to people publicly, wouldn't let anybody play any other board or card game within a 50 mile radius.


(Bike Industry Fun Fact: Between them, Mike Sinyard and Don Walker own every single concept in cycling.)

If you haven't been threatened by either of these guys, you soon will be.

Meanwhile, in Boulder the 2014 Cyclocross National Championships is under way, and if you're not competing here's the next best thing:



Isn't it just like being there?  I'm certainly used to seeing nobody in front of me at cyclocross races, but that's because everyone was always lapping me.

And here's what it's like if you're using SRAM's hydraulic braking system:


 Because, you know, they don't work in the cold.  That's why a lot of people are switching over to those new mechanical disc brakes:


They've got massive 622mm rotors front and rear which are integrated with the braking surface to save weight, and wheel changes are a snap.

Nah, it'll never catch on...

101 comments:

Notsosanta Klaus said...

Podium, with computer made of lugged steel!

samh said...

AYHSMB

Anonymous said...

je suis dans le premier dix

Schisthead said...

I love oversized rotors...

mikeweb said...

Too cold. Had to zip up first. Oh, and zip up my jersey too.

Anonymous said...

damn you guys are fast.

pavel m. said...

Top 10

Bama Phred said...

Have to get a fem-skin to get more aero.

babble on said...

Bus schmuss.

McFly said...

BUTT RFLY
MONY SHOT

Anonymous said...

DOH!

DB said...

Sorry about the lead-out today, Mikeweb.
Tried to return the favor.

Anonymous said...

TOP XV, mid-pack fodder

Comment deleted said...

Those huge-rotor brakes would be shit in gravel.

babble on said...

The saddle on that wooden block bike looks very uncomfortable.

Uh, snobber doodle doo? Just so you know... telling me that something is none of my business just makes me all the more curious. Cheers for that.

mikeweb said...

Rode in today since the Feerenhites finally got over 20 here.

Went healment-less so that I could have 2 layers of warm material covering my head and most of my face.

AYHSMHH

Even at 23-ish degrees still had to deal with one salmoner and one fuckstick in a safety vest on 6th ave. I had to pass him about 4 times because he kept rolling by me at red lights, cutting off walkers and drivers, then spinning what looked to be a 38x19 gear at barely 10 MPH.

In my mind I dubbed him Ichebod 'Fuckstick' Crane.

ouabacher said...

Top twunny!

Buffalo Bill said...

I won a practice lap once.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

dang didly...

krampus-sy

streepo said...

scranus.
atmo




fecond emllfi

Anonymous said...

I think that wooden seat would cause ED after a bit. So, in effect, getting the wood would prevent you from ,well, getting the wood.

CommieCanuck said...

Canadian men appreciate the lower back tattoos on women, It gives us something to look at when the hockey game is over.

Velocodger said...

Epic greetings from the Left Coast...
http://laughingsquid.com/burrito-box-a-futuristic-vending-machine-for-burritos/

CommieCanuck said...

The wooden bracket is beefy, but Greg Calfee, you idiot, why are you wasting time with bamboo, crabon fiber if the goal is to make the beefiest bottom bracket? I say, make it out of beef. None of that hand massaged kobe grass-fed shit, good 'ole tough as nails Canadian beef.

JB said...

When the governor closes bridge lanes, take you bikecycle.

mikeweb said...

anon 12:34,

The second video is the cure for that condition.

That's the genius of Snob: he never presents a problem without the proper solution.

balls™ said...

CIPO'S WELL-OILED SCRANUS! I know I'm missing the point, but that 'cross video looked like a good trail for a rigid mountain bike with at least 2.1" tires. Why anyone would want to ride something with skinny tires on it... (of course, they race MTB on tracks I wouldn't drive a jeep on).

Yeah, I don't race.

Anonymous said...

I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna get with you
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that butt you got makes me so horny
Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin
You say you wanna get in my Benz?
Well, use me, use me
'Cause you ain't that average groupie
I've seen them dancin'
To hell with romancin'
She's sweat, wet,
Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette
I'm tired of magazines
Sayin' flat butts are the thing
Take the average black man and ask him that
She gotta pack much back
So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)
Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)
Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)
Shake that healthy butt!
Baby got back!

etherhuffer said...

Wow, Vanilla bikes are unobtainium? Interesting business model, not selling you a bike. Even Grant Peterson will happily sell a spendy bike asap.

ouabacher said...

That was nationals? The crowd was amazing. Must have been upwards of thirty spectators!

3G said...

@ouabacher that was the industry race from yesterday...the very first race I believe...this weekend is going to be CRAY CRAY

mikeweb said...

DB, no worries.

The wig of my Fem-skin suit kept getting stuck in the chain anyway.

Also, Your EB order is on it's way. Enjoy!

mikeweb said...

Geared, pfft.

Come to me when they have a World Series of Geared in Vega$$ where I could win a gold bracelet and a cool 20 mil.

trama said...

last I raced I got lapped twice and got into a trackstand fight with a certain orange jump-suited character for DFL honors in GG park

JB said...

balls at 12:41: Yeah, I don't race either. When watching the beginning of the cross race video, I was thinking, "Why are they starting so fast; what's the big rush?"

Oh yeah, it's a race. Meh.

yeah Cleveland! said...

So that's Cyclocross? Meh.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

ATMO ATMO ATMO
ATMO ATMO ATMO
ATMO ATMO ATMO
ATMO ATMO ATMO
ATMO ATMO ATMO
ATMO ATMO ATMO
ATMO ATMO ATMO
ATMO ATMO ATMO
ATMO ATMO ATMO
ATMO ATMO ATMO

Grump said...

Your CX video way too "squeeley" to watch. Sounded like a bunch of Cat 7's out for the first ride of the year. ...Maybe the guy have some of those new fangled "dick" brakes.

Anonymous said...

"Geared" = "Cooties" without the cool bugs.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...yes, according to geared game inventor, if you actually build a bike, you are a 'hipster'(?)

...if you only play his game of building a bike you are a 'playster'.

...now let me ask you this: which one do you want to be?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Have fun at your scranus waxing.

Shock G said...

All the king's bike messengers
and all the king's men
couldn't put Humpty
together again.






Yeah, I called you fat.

Anonymous said...

Budnitz must be branching out into cyclocross bikes. Nobody else could produce a bike that creaks and screams that much. Though the mounts and dismounts looked pretty seemless.

Freddy Murcks said...

Back in the '70s, the Vanilla Cycles randonneur was just called a Schwinn. I love how people fetishize formerly mass-produced and now bespoke technology.

98599452 47

Freddy Murcks said...

Anon @1:41 - I think the clicks and pops are probably from the camera mount. The squeals, however, are probably a result of the crabon fibre wheels that are now de rigueur for all "serious" amateur CX racers.

ecleutp wedge

Yarpo said...

mikeweb,

Thank You for using, "fuckstick" not once, but twice in your comments. Well Done Sir! Gotta love the term, "fuckstick."

samh...get on the team bus and scream at your lead-out train for not doing their job! No reporters allowed.

JLRB said...

Vanilla bikes makes up the lost profits on the volume

mikeweb said...

Thanks for the kudos Yarpo.

I always try to be precise and contextual in my use of epithtets.

huge nsidoca said...

huge nsidoca

le Correcteur said...

Top fifty; irrelevant; but I like the disk brakes that ended the post. I've been using them for years!

JLRB said...

Friday Funny cause I ain't working tomorrow

JLRB said...



Have a nice day!

Dooth said...

If I can't have Vanilla ATMO kill ya!

Anonymous said...

i had a chance to ride a vanilla few times... it is like a beginner frame with fancy lugs. trust-fund/consumer bikes. blah.

mikeweb said...

"They've got massive 622mm rotors front and rear which are integrated with the braking surface to save weight, and wheel changes are a snap."

Not to be nit-picky, but shouldn't this read:

"They've got massive 622mm rotors front and rear which are integrated with the rim sidewalls to save weight, and wheel changes are a snap."

semi serious cyclist said...

biggest disks EVAR and the guys over at Bicycle Quarterly are already studying the superior effects of wider, high thread count tires on heat dissipation while braking.

Anonymous said...

622mm refers to the bead seat diameter of a cyglo-crossy/roidie/29er rim there, BSNY. The actual diameter of thems newfangley discs is actually closer to arounds 625+mm! Thassalotta rotor; too much for most dorks. Plus, youse gotta toe-in those pads, else you'll gets the Ornette Coleman/Tim Berne sax riffin'/howlinin' like on the videos

Anonymous said...

"a sweet fixie out of popsicle sticks, pipe cleaners, and elbow macaroni"

That's my new kickstarter idea. Only $99.95 gets you the kit plus an autographed bottle of Elmer's glue.

Anonymous said...

Any bike race that involves carrying your bike is stupid. Back to riding weather here at the center of the universe. Yippee.

Bama Phred said...

I gotta thank mikeweb for the fem skin link. It's just so disturbing on so many levels. But I'm sure if this stuff is lighter, more aero, and more expensive than spandicks, roadies will rush to purchase.

Anonymous said...

Dick breaks. Get it right, would ya?

Anonymous said...

disk breaks is also acceptable.

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

I thought we had broken Kickstarter as the video links kept not loading.
But then they did. I still didn't watch them. The Snob summary is always funnier.

Anonymous said...

That poor butterfly. She has seen things. Things a butterfly should not have to see. Overly hairy chests. Beer bellies. Grunting sweaty stoned delivery men. High fives from sloppy second hand offs. Complimentary wipe downs with a random sock. She should be fluttering in a beautiful green field.....not getting pounded by some hipster buzzed on PBR and lookin for an easy target for his spent seed.....sad little butterfly.

Lili Von Schtupp said...

Four linguists were sharing a compartment on a train on their way to an international conference on sound symbolism. One was English, one Spanish, one French and the fourth German. They got into a discussion on whose language was the most eloquent and euphonious.

The English linguist said: "Why, English is the most eloquent language. Take for instance the word "butterfly". Butterfly, butterfly... doesn't that word so beautifully express the way this delicate insect flies. It's like flutter-by, flutter-by."

"Oh, no!" said the Spanish linguist, "the word for "butterfly" in Spanish is "mariposa". Now, this word expresses so beautifully the vibrant colours on the butterfly's wings. What could be a more apt name for such a brilliant creature? Spanish is the most eloquent language!"

"Papillon!" says the French linguist, "papillon! This word expresses the fragility of the butterfly's wings and body. This is the most fitting name for such a delicate and ethereal insect. French is the most eloquent language!"

At this the German linguist stands up, and demands: "Und vot is rongk mit 'SCHMETTERLING'?"

Silver Convention said...

Pretty fly. Butter, robin...
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CG4stpIX21Q&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DCG4stpIX21Q

Fuk Google said...


Tim Alien's Version

Anonymous said...

http://makeagif.com/i/YsLWpj

Comment deleted said...

I used to tell that joke about "butterfly", but I'd say the German word for it was "Luftschweine".

It's important to spread silly misinformation when telling jokes.

Flyover BC said...

I've never seen cyclocross before.

It looks a lot like my daily commute from six years ago, except the only spectators were ducks, geese, skunks, and coyotes. That, and there isn't as much mud (in the video), but more snow.

JB said...

Anon @ 4:39, you gave me an idea for a great lower back tattoo.

Euro Spondee said...

I hear there is a five year wait list to ride Cipo too. Strangely enough, most of those on the list have tramp stamps...

Anonymous said...

I have to say I agree with you snob. But what about the Fatima Mansions?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaSi2Z74Ou8

Roille Figners said...

That was always kind of the point though, right? Like Vanilla as in "nothing special?" It's a company made entirely of marketing (like Nike).

Anonymous said...

Awesome,..

Ride your bike around a treeless muddy office park/subdivision/strip mall in the winter.

Fucking Stupid

Login said...

If I ever lost a wooden bike I would pine for it.


Anonymous said...

Hard to lose solid wooden wheels cut from a log because they would always be a round.

ge© said...

1000 WRDS ===>

McFly said...

Dammit JB you are a sex genius:

O
8====D- - - - o o o o
O

McFly said...

Dang it those corner 100's moved during publishing.

Anonymous said...

What? No updates on the Wiggins Locks for Love story? And now that fat bikes and single speed gravel racers are taking a turn as the trendy bikes, are beach cruisers far behind? Heavy single speeds with balloon tires and a stupid wire basket in the front. Sorry for the spoiler alert for you Bicycling readers. But you can still look forward every month to learn "why they ride". That never gets old.

WPVelo said...

Hey, hey, hey! Don is a pal atwo.

ge© said...

McFly, yeah WTF, my arrow was supposed to point at my avatar.

Is it on the left or is it on the right?

Late is not Never said...

Yeah, why put leather on your straight bars (that's apun gettit?) when you're sitting on a fukkin' chunk of 2x6?

two words:

Brooks
Dummass

Wrap the bars with recycled pubes for _____o_phile grip.

ps: i was kidding about the dummass part.

pps: no i wasn't.

ppssuuy: you have a dirty mind.

McFly said...

I think I may have found the sluttiest tramp stamp in the Entire History of Forever.

The genius behind this mirror image setup is that even if she is the pivot girl with a friend on each end that both buddies <a href = "http://media.photobucket.com/user/Balticprince/media/Tramp.jpg.html?filters[term]=tramp%20stamp&filters[primary]=images&filters[secondary]=videos&sort=1&o=0#/user/Balticprince/media/Tramp.jpg.html?filters%5Bterm%5D=tramp%20stamp&filters%5Bprimary%5D=images&filters%5Bsecondary%5D=videos&sort=1&o=0&_suid=138935604837503913696036227432> know her name is Kelly.</a>

Anonymous said...

oops

Kelly said...

So like.....are you guys going to call me tomorrow?

ce said...

I want mega dick breaks

gsport george said...

Really disappointed that the ginger-bread bike turned out to be wood. Been searching for an alternative to my bamboo bike that was such a massive disappointment. Even steamed for hours and absolutely slathered in black-bean sauce it was really chewy.

DB said...

Kelly for the win.

Guy #1 said...

Let's hook up with Kelly again.

Guy #2 said...

Ok....if you promise you will not bring up the "Docking" experiment again.

Cipo's Sperm, Insist on the Best said...

Unless I'm missing something it looks like "One Less Car" babe is jerking someone off? Was Cipo in town?

Beef, Real Food for Real Weight Lifters said...

CC@1238 Use American beef, full of steroids, makes the beef super strong.

Anonymous said...

ONE LESS C.A.R.= Cock Aimed Randomly

balls™ said...

I'm still waiting for the latest observations on bikes and cheese.

I guess a good semi-soft cheese would help to reduce that squealing noise from my breaks?

Is it spelled "fucksticks" or "fuckstix"?

Scranus cheese?

Vernal Magina said...

omfg, podium.

Kelly said...

So help me if y'alls fuckstix leaves a film of scranus cheese and my boyfriend notices it I will never let y'all see my tattoo's again.

wishiwasmerckx said...

99th...

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and 100th!

Paula Lewis said...

An enormous round of applause, continue the great work. anne stokes cards