Well, that's exactly what I did--I slammed shut the old lapping-toppe personal computing machine and I fucked right on off for a round of bicycle cycling:
It was pretty good one too, and I even finally figured out the correct "line" through a tricky (for me) section of trail that had been vexing me for months.
The universe demands balance however, and so I also slipped on some leaves while doing nothing especially challenging and fell down like a schmuck, my bike to the right of me:
And this gnarled and knotted uprooted tree to my left:
Then a woodland troll ran out of it and bit me in the scranus for loitering in front of his home.
Good thing I got that tetanus shot the other day.
Oh, I should mention I wore those Giro clothes to which I administered a good drubbing recently:
(Middle-aged bike douche in expensive clothing and riding alone in suburban park on a Monday takes world's saddest aerial "selfie.")
As it turns out, these clothes are at their best in mild temperatures (it was 50 degrees Fahrenheit, or I-can't-be-bothered Celsius), and at the relatively slow speeds one travels while mountain-bicycling. (Not sure why they call this stuff since "New Road," since road-style bicycle cycling is the last situation in which I'd want to use it as it's all baggy and the wind cuts through it.) So yeah, it's good for knocking around in the woods, but so is probably every article of clothing you already own.
At least the orange vest made me visible to unemployed suburbanites out walking their dogs.
Speaking of bikes and fashion, a reader in Germany informs me that Jan Ullrich has gone Full Rapha:
Who would have thought that Ol' Hapless Jan, Lance Armstrong's "eternal second," would be the one sitting pretty? Indeed, in the topsy-turvy world of professional cycling, he's now the embodiment of success:
Whereas he used to be the embodiment of something else:
He's even got the sort of full social calendar befitting a man of success, and you can now go "Radtraining mit Jan:"
I'd totally watch a TV show called "Radtraining mit Jan," especially if it was filmed in the manner of "Sprockets."
He'll also teach you how to make a killer egg salad. The man is a fucking genius with mayonnaise.
Meanwhile, "Sir" Bradley Wiggins in emphatically not a genius (at least with words, not sure how he is with mayo), as another reader informs me:
Wiggins, who was the BBC’s 2012 sports personality of the year, had donated an autographed shirt to the auction and was approached by an auctioneer with a microphone. Wiggins said to the auctioneer, into the microphone, “You’ve got a posh voice. I like posh voices. S*** me off.”
His joke fell flat and those at the event were reportedly shocked and disgusted by the comment.
Yes, only a bike racer would be dumb enough to make a blowjob reference (I don't see how that's a joke) at a charity event for molestation victims:
“Bradley’s remarks were at very best completely misjudged,” Malcolm Cowing, a retired PR manager, told the Daily Mail. “On a stag do maybe, but not at a dinner for victims of childhood sexual abuse.”
Wow, glad this Malcolm Cowing guy came out of retirement to make that observation, because otherwise I'm not sure we'd have been able to figure that out.
But while inviting Wiggins--whose default mode of discourse is a version of English called "Drunken Australian"--to a charity auction is a pretty dumb thing to do, it's not quite as dumb as the new London approach to cycling enforcement:
A letter has emerged in which London police officers have been ordered to catch and fine 10 law-breaking cyclists a month.
In an email, Inspector Colin Davies of the Metropolitan Police’s South East Area Traffic Garage, said: "Officers have four months to do 40 cycle tickets. Ten per month, 2.5 a week. Most officers are nearing or have even achieved their other targets. This will give them a renewed focus for a while.”
Sure, the "Let's punish the victims" approach is profoundly stupid and all, but as a New Yorker all I can think is, "Wow, 10 cyclists a month?" That's nothing! You can't spit in London without hitting ten cyclists wearing high-vis vests and riding folding bikes, so honestly, what's the point?
So I say fuck the traffic lights, because I like those odds!
Lastly, this past Friday was "Black Friday," and yesterday was "Cyber Monday," and in between we had the lesser-known retail event known as "Hand Job Sunday," but if you didn't take advantage of any of these you should know that, if you're holiday shopping, you should patronize some or all of the sponsors off in the right hand margin. Also, long-time right-margin denizens Just Coffee want you to know that they're now shipping to Canada:
I had no idea they weren't shipping to Canada before, but now they are, so rejoice! In fact, I'm relatively sure this is the first time coffee will be commercially available up in America's Icy Yarmulke.
So buy now before that last Hanukkah candle burns out.