Friday, November 22, 2013

BSNYC Friday No Quiz, Just Hair of the Dog


Next Thursday is Thanksgiving.  If you're unfamiliar with Thanksgiving, it's the day when Americans gorge themselves and give thanks for the bountiful fruit of centuries of cultural rape and environmental plunder.  Sure, many of us will be enjoying our Thanksgiving feasts in mobile homes parked outside of Walmart, but I think few of us would argue that there's never been a better time to be American, especially since we'll be so convenient to the turkeys we've purchased on layaway.


Given this, I'll be not posting all of next week, but will return to the helm of the SS Wildcat on Monday, December 2nd, at which point I will resume regular updates.

Hey, that tofurkey's not going to hunt down and kill itself, nor is it going to stuff itself into a pig, because that's what we eat in my house on Thanksgiving, turduckens be damned.

Meanwhile, yesterday I made some wisecracks about both "God" and dogs.  Well, while the Lard seems largely unconcerned with matters of child molestation, He or She would appear to move quite swiftly when a bike blogger is flippant on the subject of religion, for here's what happened:

Shortly after publishing yesterday's post, I took it into my mind to sneak in a little lunchtime bicycle cycling ride.  So I pulled on stretchy clothes, ratcheted on those shoes that click into your pedals, and headed to my bicycle with the curved handlebars like they use in the Tour de France.

Lo and behold, the rear tire of this bicycle was flaccid and devoid of air.  (This was not, it should be noted, the same bicycle that incurred a flatular tire earlier in the week.)  Therefore, I extracted the inner tube with designs to patch it, and the puncture was so tiny I actually had to find the hole with my lips.  (If you can't find a hole in a tube, inflate it to comical size, lick your lips, and run them around the tube.  Laugh if you will, but the Lard gave us sensory organs for a reason, and that reason is to repair inner tubes.  If all of this sounds incredibly phallic, that's only because it is.)

Once I'd found the puncture, I patched it, replaced the tube, inflated it, and was on my way.

Unfortunately either the patch was faulty or I was, because after a mile or so it became apparent the tube was losing air again.  At first I was in denial, but eventually rim started hitting pavement and it became clear I'd have to stop and replace the tube, which I did.  Then I scuttled up a hill and onto my favorite little unpaved trail, at which point I heard a sound like rushing air from my rear wheel.  "Curses!," I muttered under my breath, but it turned out to be just an autumn leaf trapped between brake bridge and tire, so I went to pull it out, only to find the leaf had been cemented in there with what appeared to be dog feces.

"Fie!," I exclaimed, but by wriggling the stem of the leaf I was able to convince the dog feces to fall out in a single clump.

So I continued on, and a few moments later encountered an actual dog.  It was small, black, and fuzzy, and it was attached to one of those retractable leashes.  Naturally, it was about 400 miles out in front of its owner, and it was jumping and yapping and zig-zagging like a fish at the end of a line struggling to remain in the briny deep.

I always slow down and give dogs a wide berth for obvious reasons, which was what I did here, and indeed this time I came to nearly a complete stop since the dog was so excitable, but given the narrowness of the trail and the extreme length of the retractable leash and the dog's addled state there was no way to give it a wide enough berth, nor was the owner making any attempt to control this animal whatsoever, so the next thing I knew the little piece of shit fucker had leaped at my leg and bitten me.

"Your dog just bit me, you fucking asshole!," I ejaculated, somehow refraining from punting the little shitbag canine into the Hudson, and the gray-haired man simply kept ambling along as though I were little more than the wind whispering in the trees.  Like, he didn't even turn around to look at me.

Figuring it was just a nip, I continued on, but after five or ten minutes I actually stopped to look at my leg, at which point I discovered holes in my leg warmers and actual bloody holes in my skin.  I'd never been bitten by a strange dog before and I had no idea what to do, so like any helpless individual I called my wife, and she said, "Go find the guy and see if the dog has been vaccinated."  So I back-tracked in search of them, but of course they'd vanished, and then I went to the doctor who gave me a tetanus shot and put me on antibiotics--because, as he explained it, "dogs lick their asses."

And that's why my lunch ride sucked, and yes, I encourage you to laugh at me and not with me.

Oh, I should also mention that all of this happened right by the spot a reader informed me was where David Berkowitz and pals used to sacrifice dogs:


So that's pretty fucking creepy.

And obviously I'd be remiss if I didn't include this:



This song was exactly the first thing to pop into my head after it happened.

Speaking of dogs, apparently it's a "thing" to take yours rat hunting:


“We don’t make a huge difference in the rat population, but the dogs have a lot of fun,” said Richard Reynolds, a main organizer of the group, which, in an effort to form the acronym RATS, he semiseriously calls the Ryders Alley Trencher-fed Society (Ryders Alley was once a rat-infested lane downtown, and trencher-fed refers to the keeping of hounds to hunt). The group, which includes some members who travel from the suburbs, has been meeting for 15 years, mostly in downtown Manhattan in areas where trash is abundant.

I don't have any problem with dogs killing rats (better a rat than my leg), but how are they not "violating any laws?"

In fact, it would appear that the rat hunters are not violating any laws or health codes, and the plight of rats, at least those living on and below New York’s streets, does not generate the same level of passion as the plight of, say, the city’s carriage horses.

Uh, what about leash laws?

I mean, I don't really care, but it seems worth mentioning.  If they were hunting rats with bikes they'd sure as hell find a way to lock somebody up.

Of course, the important question here is, "So, do the owners dress like they're out in the English countryside when they go rat hunting?," and the answer is, "Of course they do:"

“The city loves us,” claimed Mr. Reynolds, casting his group as a free extermination force. He was wearing a tweed cap and gripping a spike-tipped walking stick, for poking garbage bags and for protection from the rodents.

If your next tweed ride doesn't end in a full-on rat hunt then you're doing it wrong, though they'd never go for that in Portland, since I'm sure it would make too many vegans cry.

Here in New York City though the flattened rat pancake in the middle of the street is a staple on garbage pick-up day so we're made of stronger stuff.

There is the small matter of dogs chomping on poisonous rats, though:

Still, not everyone supports the rat hunts. Brian Shapiro, the New York State director for the Humane Society of the United States, said there were numerous cases of dogs biting rats and ingesting poison consumed by the rat.

This type of activity exposes dogs to the “likelihood of eventual toxic exposure,” he said, adding, “The more times the owners send them out, they are repeatedly exposing them to that risk — it’s not good guardianship for a dog.”

Actually, it's a bigger problem for the local hawk population, which is depressing.  In any case, this is why you should limit your rat hunts to the vicinity of the Park Slope Food Co-Op, where the rats mostly just consume locally-grown organic produce and quinoa.

Lastly, as I tend to my dog bite I can at least console myself with the fact that I've made the Restoration Hardware Stocking Stuffers collection, "Tools for the Athlete" category, to which I was alerted by a Tweeterer:


Wow, right above the "golf ball personalizer:"


Oh Lard, let the rabies take me, because I can die happy now.

And with that, I wish you a very happy Thanksgiving, unless you don't celebrate it, in which case I hope you feel very happy next Thursday for no apparent reason, and I look forward to seeing you again on Monday, December 2nd.

Longingly,


--Wildcat Rock Machine



242 comments:

1 – 200 of 242   Newer›   Newest»
Jasper said...

Early doors - but no quiz?

JB said...

Approve.

Euro Spondee said...

Tally ho! If not the tweed runs, at least the alley cat rides could be repurposed to include dogs.

mikeweb said...

That golf ball personalizer can also personalize other balls.

Enjoy your Turducken, Snob.

Comment deleted said...

Do not anger Seth the Lard.

Euro Spondee said...

But seriously, is everyone else on vacation already? Or just trying to figure out how to use the golf ball personaliser on their crabon cranks?

crosspalms said...

No rats for me, thanks -- you can have mine. Happy Thanksgiving, Snob, hope the bite heals OK!

McFly said...

Is "cultural rape" when you lube up your shaft with the Yoplait?

Nice job J to the Bizzzeee.

Schisthead said...

Pretty nice painting.

AnonSJ said...

Top ten?

dancesonpedals said...

Shane, come back, Shane!!!

mikeweb said...

It's probably culturally and historically apropos to include a Dead Kennedys video, considering what happened 50 years ago.

trama said...

maybe you getting all them flats bc two things:

you getting fat

moisture makes it easier to penetrate the tire rubber and makes flats more

Serial Retrogrouch said...

no quizzings

resting on our laurels, ey!

Poppadaddio said...

Sorry about your dog bite, I know how that goes. It's probably not rabid. You'll know sooner or later.
CALL 911 ON YOUR CELL PHONE IMMEDIATELY WHEN YOU ARE BIT BY A DOG!

Marcel Da Chump said...

God spelled backwards...

BamaPhred said...

Only in NYC could you find enough people to populate a niche group of full on costume play English tweed rat hunting, complete with rats and rat terriers. And there's probably some kind of Strava data collecting app for it.
So contrary to popular belief no automatic rabies treatment for unknown dog bite? I have been bitten by wild beast types before and self medicated to avoid what I determined to be useless treatment. And I am that big of a chicken.

mikeweb said...

WCRM,

Sorry about the dog bite, but on the upside the same kind of thing that happened to Peter Parker when he got bit by that spider might happen to you. Except your super power will be being able to lick your own balls. And asshole.

streepo said...

Shortingly.

scranus

Anonymous said...

DOGF ECES

JB said...

It's the middle of the night, so leash laws be damned, I guess. Seriously though, most terriers are bred to be ratters. That scruffy hair around the snout and eyes protects them when they sticker their snout/head in a hole.

Our bitch* mini-schnauzer goes like mad after squirrels in our back yard. Hasn't gotten one yet, but she has gotten a couple of voles and a mouse. The excess boards from the deck construction are under the deck and apparently mice like to hang out in the cracks and crevices. The dog will spend hours sniffing and rooting around the boards, her tail wagging the whole time, and come in with a face and paws full of mud. I think it is good for them.

*if I can properly use "bitch," I'm going to

P.S. that dog owner on the trail was a dick. I use a retractable leash, but when others are near, the leash gets fully retracted.

DB said...

Big day here in NW Illinois.
First day of hunting season and Nouveau where we celebrate the new wine harvest.
I'll be having a glass or two of the grape this afternoon and try to make it home without getting shot.
Hope your leg is okay.

DB said...

Mikeweb gets funniest comment of the day.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

wait wait wait... are you saying that you now believe in Gad? for what s/he did to you through this dog?

lob save us all.

free_market_zombie said...

A mindless free markets zombie would have you believe it was 'market forces' that saved you.

Another free markets zombie would suggest privatizing the trail to forbid you path-maintenance-costs-wastrel cyclists from driving away the much larger, lower-maintenance-cost market of dog walkers.

The free market zombies love to blame walmart workers for choosing to work at a low wage job. It's their fault they are poor.

Zombies recently heard on my local NPR radio station claimed there are many opportunities for wealth creation in scavenging recyclable materials from curbside trash. Except, scavenging trash is illegal. Or that workers in China are actually quite happy living in work/prison camps building your ipads and iphones.

Teh zombies are everywhere in Canada's nether regions!

Road Queer said...

Dog will hunt.





premonition?

pooptoy 402

Anonymous said...

wow duder sounds like a sucky ride. You should have punched the owner of the dog in the face. Good DKs song. enjoy your thanksgiving pigturfuken.

dancesonpedals said...

there was this dyslexic kid in my school who came from an agnostic family. When he drank too much mountain dew, he would lie awake at night & wonder if there really was a dog.

Jon Webb said...

Dude, now you're going to die of rabies. Which is going to be sort of interesting for us, for a while.

Anonymous said...

Haha.....dogs rule!....you suck

Roille Figners said...

Pleasant surprise of the day: "briny deep."

ARRRRR!!!

The sea captain was always my favorite Simpsons character, due to being unexplainable.

CommentatorBot9000 said...

“Uh, what about leash laws?”

The NYT Photos show most of the dogs on leashes:

http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2013/11/22/nyregion/22rats.html#5

So if you are an urban rat hunting dog, you need an owner who can run faster than a rat, or you buddies will laugh at you for getting skunked.

Waiting hopefully for a rat-hunting comment from Leroy’s dog….

Yarpo said...

Snobbo, thanks for the wakeup with Jello Biafra and the DKs!

Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Sun is out, the crazy-fuck windstorm is over, and I'm gonna ride my bici for the first time in 2 weeks cuz I'm done, DONE, being sick, although I'm still blowing scary snots out of my nose (snoffle-snerf). Ride safe everybody!

Seven minute spread between 1st and 3rd on the Podio! Euro Spondee throws the handlebars one pubic hair length ahead of mikeweb and Comment deleted for 3rd! The Breakaway succeeds! Congrats to Jasper and JB too, well done, lads.

No rats in this neighborhood, but plenty of urban squirrels, raccoons and skunks with their smell of burning erasers.

Anonymous said...

wow
who has a ''doctor'' they can just ''go to'' any more?

how did this not end with 11 hours in the ER?

wle <<-Please prove you're not a robot

Anonymous said...

i know what a leashless rat-hunt dog would like more than loose rat..

nice 98.6 degree bike-guy leg-chomp


wle

Anonymous said...

Please prove YOU're not a robot...

ha!

wle <-Please prove you're not a robot

CommieCanuck said...

I just started watching Portlandia up here in America's cycling beanie.

They pretty much nailed it.

mikeweb said...

Snob,

I see what you did there. I'm guessing that you're implying the older gentleman zombie dog walker on the path was in actuality out training his champeen rat hunting dog, and your leg was merely an exercise in rat catchery.

CODY 1999 said...

The more stories I hear about dimwitted dog owners letting their dogs be as fucktarded as they are, the more I will advocate for imaginary laws punishing such offenses by letting the attacked fuck the dog owner's wife. REPARATIONS!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the Restoration Hardware link --- In for one book - "Don'ts for Golfers"

crosspalms said...

Let me be the first to wonder why Snob wasn't wearing a helment on his leg.

Anonymous said...

That'll teach you to always carry mace, oh lucky man.

JLRB said...

Snobster - Thanks for the opportunity to laugh at you - some day you can look back on this and say "that digital reproduction of a dog bite hurt like a motherfucker," just like your likeness did so many eons ago, or is currently doing in a parallel universe (yes I am still tripping on that concept).

Happy take advantage of friendly natives day!

[all street addresses are 69 - fuck Google]

ge said...

So the doctor didn't want to give you like 100 rabies shots in the stomach? Huh.

Better to kick the dog than punch the owner because:

1. would upset the owner more
2. dog's more likely to learn a lesson than the owner
3. No criminality suspected

follcu indeed robot.

Comment deleted said...

I'm trying to savor the afterglow of yesterday's postgasm long enough to ward off the depression that will surely come with full realization of a Tofucking week without BSNYC.

Anonymous said...

@mikeweb

WCRM should be so lucky as to get that superpower. Instead he'll probably just bark anytime he hears a doorbell on TV.

dnk said...

Tetanus is good.

Antibiotics for dog bite, not so much. They are wildly over-prescribed and can fuck with your microbiome.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Mikeweb @11:55am,

Who says I already can't?

CommenterBot 9000,

I'm pretty sure they let them off the leash when they set them on the rats.

Anonymous 1:00pm,

Jews.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

I deem this blargh posting exquisite!

Buffalo Bill said...

Welp, I expect they'll be changing thanksgiving to november soon up here in americas jaunty bowler hat. We already have black friday, whateverthefuckthatis.

Also, no rats on the highwood pass.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Billy said...

Retractable leashes are terrible. Terrible for the dog, terrible for the owner, and most of all terrible for anyone near the idiots.

babble on said...

h snobber doodle doo - we`ll miss youuuuuuuuu!!

Yeouch! Yeah, that`s the trouble with running like prey from all the creatures out there who only read body language. Used to be the only humans who regularly suffered cougar attacks on Vancouver Island were the ones on bikes, cause cyclists act a lot like fleeing deer when you look at us through great big kitty eyes.

The good thing is that stopping to punt an attacking runt will quickly teach it that bikes bite back. It`s all in yer body language.

Speak clearly.

JLRB said...

I had one of those ball personalisers. I found it painful, but maybe I should have read the instrux.

Roille Figners said...

I can understand being a fan of a particular dog breed, and/or terriers in general. And I can understand the desire to test/use the dog's talents in that regard, and to meet up with clubs of like-minded people for that purpose. And I can almost... almost understand doing so in the scourged, sooty, piss-stinking, cum-splattered, heroin-needle-littered streets of New York. What I can't grasp is how it all amounts to just another opportunity for people to play Dress-Up.

anupit FUCKGOOGLE

Roille Figners said...

best outfit for RATS meeting

zemers FUCKGOOGLE

Anonymous said...

So I think everyone should know that rat-baiting was a popular sport in NYC and England up until the 20th century. I cannot find an account online, but men often would also test their skill against the dogs, and the best would use their teeth.

http://gothamist.com/2011/02/03/dog_vs_rats_old_school_edition.php

Herschel Raney said...

Yes, antibiotics for all cat bites. Dog bites, well, wait and see. Tetanus yes although what former bike messenger has not had like six tetanus shots in the last ten years?

I would want to know if the offending dog had participated in said rat hunting. And thus having not only licked his ass and every dog's ass he knows but also munched exquisitely nasty rat hair before munching the snob leg. That might lead to a super power that has previously not been considered by Marvel.

Happy Thanksgiving cycloids. May your flat not require your lips to repair.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Similar story from a few weeks ago. Flying downhill on my crabon steed on a broad multi-use path when set upon by a scroungy dog on way too much retractable leash. Screamed at the owners "Control your fucking dog..."

The couple, prosperous sorts in their late 60's, took exception to such harsh rhetoric. What followed was a curseword and invective filled nose-to-nose confrontation.

He actually shoved me, which led to me removing my clackety-cleat shoes to get some real balance and footing, telling him it was "go-time," and telling him I was going to knock him out.

I eventually began to come to my senses, remembering how well and often I had taught my own children that violence solves nothing, and coming to the realization that brawling in the streets was unbecoming conduct for a professional man.

I reshoed, remounted, and rode away telling them that I suggested that they be gone before the Park Police I was summonsing arrived.

Ah, memories...

McFly said...

See what happens when you make embrocation from ground up rat meat and bacon grease?

Chamois Juice said...

Funny, the exact same thing happened to me, except I wound up fucking the old broad in my mom's basement while the old guy watched...

mikeweb said...

Awww shee-it!

McFly and CJ may have both just removed my gold star for the day with their last 2 comments...

mikeweb said...

RF,

Just to clarify, the only cum-splattered streets in New York are the ones around where I live.

I really need to get help.

Anonymous said...

Blaming God for priests who molest, blaming God for Auschwitz, or anything. These are products of free will. Blame the person who did the evil.

Incidentally I had a Gatorskin flat yesterday also, God DOES seem to have humor. Oy Vey.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Leroy

are you out hunting rats with your dog?

Flyover bike commuter said...

Babble,

thanks for the info on bicyclists and mountain lion attacks.

It is just as I suspected. Fortunately, the lions around here usually start showing up in spring.

Otherwise, I've been stalked by more than one cougar, but never really attacked, at least not without my consent.

Flyover Bike commuter said...

In other news, my two terrier- based attack dogs make short work of pocket gophers (aka tunnel rats)and they are always on a six-foot leash.

They'd dig the varmints out of their holes, if I let them. But I restrain them because they don't have excavation permits.

They've learned that they're more successful with nighttime surface catches. So most the digging is really just ritual terrierism.

Euro Spondee said...

Yarpo - hope you had a good ride. I am also looking for a post-illness and -rain outing this Bay Area afternoon. And thanks for the podium shout; I was surprised that I read the whole thing and there was still a spot going begging. Even better is being there for ten days...

Comment deleted said...

Anon @ 3:45, giving God credit for any of the good stuff seems just as silly to me.

Dooth said...

Ewww...your bike got the cooties.

crosspalms said...

Here's something to chew on while Snob's away. Guy in Washington tries to report a van parked in a bike lane and gets yelled at by the head of a conservative think tank. All on tape.

Concerned in Portland said...

...bike snob, I'm worried about you, I think you're seeing too much -- you're in danger of becoming like Mark Twain; he started out as a humorist, but the more he looked at life (well, at people), the more jaded and bitter he became. Maybe it's time to take a break.

leroy said...

In light of today's post, I told my dog he had some explaining to do.

So he explained that:

-- Union rules prohibit him from participating in a rat hunt. He's just not a working breed.

-- Mr. BSNYC should have reasoned with the maurauding mini-mastiff. A thoughtful "make love, not war" would have resulted in BSNYC's leg getting humped, not bitten.

-- The super powers of which Mr. Mikeweb speaks (at 11:55 AM) are real -- and they're spectacular.

Ride safe all!

Anonymous said...

I'd rather have a terrine of canine procured poisoned rat meat and wild turnips than one of Spam and Hard Luck anyway, and that's the truth.


helbung 224

babble on said...

Oh THAT's just great. So now I have to go and procure a nasty dog bite if I want to keep up with snobbers?

As a Canadian you know I'm good with it either way, but I'm curious: Does that count as doping, or GMO?

Anonymous said...

@leroy,

I would pay good money for those superpowers.

ge said...

Babble, flyover, thanks for the tips but my age already acts as a suitable cougar repellent.

Flyover BC and that ain't British Columbia said...

GE

I'm with you, what used to be cougars are now probably too young for me.

On the other hand, I was serious about lion attacks. We've been lucky for the last few years though. No lions a have attempted to harvest small children for a few years.

Yarpo said...

Euro Spondee,
Have a great ride! Watch out for the tree and branch debris from the wind-fest, it's still gusting a bit out there, but sunny and smogless.

Enjoy the 10-day Bonus Podium Afterglow!

Wheelsuck said...

Thank God you didn't use your 'find the air leak method' to remove the dog feces.

Euro Spondee said...

Yarpo - it was warm out there. A friend had a tree-related crash this morning, but I didn't even have any snarky Friday afternoon drivers. Maybe everyone was happy that the weather calmed down again.

Anonymous said...

You're right about Portland and the rats. First, back yard chickens are everywhere and so are the damn rats and mice. My neighbor has about 10 of them birds. I get a couple eggs a month, and all mice my snap traps can handle.

That's not to mention on SE Hawthorn I've witnessed rats that sit up and beg as you walk by and a three legged raccoon. (where else but in SE Portland would a 3 legged raccoon thrive).

Though I doubt the rats sit and beg the three legged raccoon, but you never know.

Gred Lemond said...

Hmmm my balls are already personalized. I need my club shaft to be personalized now.

Lucas Moore said...

Of-course, I am also agree with you, But I do not like hunting.

Regards,
Mangosteen Juice

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Home Home on the Range said...

Snob, Wearing chaps is the way to go when riding your mighty steed.

Home Home on the Range said...

Snob, Wearing chaps is the way to go when riding your mighty steed.

Bite Me Will You? said...

Babs, At least if you get bit by something in Canada you have health care coverage.

Mario's Albino Tadpole said...

What the fuck Snob...another vacation? Do you belong to the damn bike bloggers union or something? I'm guessing you are married to some rich Jewish American princess...money does not seem to be a concern for you

Dogs suck...cats are where it's at..

Dave said...

Hey - Mr. Priest Abija - how can I get into your racket? I'd love to be a tiny tick-like bloodsucker too, if there's good money in it. The market for leveraging irrational fear and stupidity is just getting bigger every day.

Alas - I'm probably crippled in this regard by some remnants of self-respect. But good luck with your smarmy lying and cheating.

africansingle said...

..exposes dogs to the “likelihood of eventual toxic exposure" ?? Can'tthe pontificating pratt just say "poisoned"?

DB said...

Dooth:
It's a Silk Degrees by Boz Scaggs kind of night.

McFly said...

Back to data. I was in Dicks and they have this new FitBit Flex that goes on your wrist and tracks your sleep. DO YOU EVER WAKE UP AND WONDER WHAT YOU WERE JUST DOING AND HOW LONG YOU WERE DOING IT? THE FITBIT FLEX HAS YOU COVERED. wtf

McFly said...

DB I am more of a Dirty Lowdown man myself.

babble on said...

Yes, yes I suppose you are... and yet it suits you, somehow. xo

McFly said...

All in all it was a good day. Better than dicks being in me. Did a 20 mile gravel grinder ON A 26" DOWNHILL INTENSE MTB. And to think I was about to convert it over to a Leaf-specific Bike. (Actually the gravel was blanketed with leaves so I probably would have been OK)

wishiwasmerckx said...

I heard some sort of rumor about some sort of doping scandal in the pro peloton. Can anyone fill me in on the details?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Whipping up the pace as they pass under the red kite. Less than a kilometer of racing to go.

wishiwasmerckx said...

It looks like our 100th comment stage winner will come from this break, which has caught the peleton sleeping.

wishiwasmerckx said...

My money is on wishiwasmerckx, and he has a jump on the others! Can he hold on to the finish line?

Yes, and the 100th comment goes to...

DB said...

C'est moi.
McFly:
My daughter has expressed an interest in one of those Fit Bit or Nike Fuel Band thingys. I don't get it, but I guess it makes a game out of exercise.
No biking today. Too cold.

leroy said...

101 (dalmatians).

babble on said...

Are they here to bite me so I can catch up to snob and take a holiday, too?

McFly - speak for yourself. I'd rather have it in me.

JLRB said...

At least this dead cyclist's killer was brought to a grand jury - they let her off on manslaughter but she will have to pay $2,000 (woohoo) in tickets before she moves on, in her words: “Starting today, I need to forget what’s gone, appreciate what still remains, and look forward to what’s coming next,”


http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/trafficandcommuting/grand-jury-rejects-manslaughter-charges-in-case-where-driver-killed-bicyclist/2013/11/23/5ccbaa6a-53d5-11e3-a7f0-b790929232e1_story.html

Comments have all the usual venom towards cyclists countered by cyclists - all too familiar and sad.

BamaPhred said...

Nice day for Fred cycling, so I did. Hope everyone else has a nice day. No dogs, light traffic, must all be deer hunting.

DB said...

Bama:
I didn't get shot Friday. I keep a lookout for brand new Cabellas clothing as that means Chicago hunters. The locals know what they're doing, but the city folks come to the country once a year with their new clothing and rifles and shoot anything that moves.

Holy Roller said...

All you sinners should think less about bikes and sex and more about Jesus. If it's too much to think about the man Jesus then just start off thinking about the baby one. Have faith. If He helps to win football games (I've seen them touchdown makers give thanks) then He can certainly help you win a bike race. The good Lord cares deeply about sports. Ask for forgiveness sinners and you will be blessed.

Baby Jeebus said...

Holy Roller thou shalt not judge......

wishiwasmerckx said...

DB, does it help to wear a blaze orange vest whilst cycling?

DB said...

wiwm:
Blaze orange Carhartt stocking cap.

I don't watch much football, but Denver is on fire tonight.

McFly said...

My wife always makes me wear this "antler healment" she had special made for me for mountain biking. She says it's just fun and silly. Like the $250,000 life insurance policy.

Comment deleted said...

Right on, Baby Jeebus. Your followers conveniently forget that very important thing you said when you grew up, in the future of the past.

Ow.

wishiwasmerckx said...

DB: Blaze orange stocking cap over the healment?

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iphone developer brisbane said...

I like reading posts with such a fresh point of view on this interesting topic. Thank you so much.

Bod said...

Aww, it's so cute you run home to your wife to show her your owie.

To be fair, it's what I'd do but then I'd bitch about the pain and ensuing rabies rather than actually taking her sage advice.

Get well soon Wildcat!
Love,
Mattxxx

DB said...

Funny, McFly.
My wife bought me a brown cycling kit with a little white strip on the ass.
Not exactly my style, but she keeps encouraging me to wear it during hunting season.
Wiwm: um, yeah. Sometimes the helment doesn't get worn.
Crosspalms: Bus Day?

RoadQueen said...

When approaching dumb-ass with small excited mutt on a retractable leash:

Step 1: Come to a complete stop in the middle of the path, at least 20 feet IN FRONT of said dumb-ass. Un-clip and stand beside the bike, to the left.

Step 2: Stay in the middle of the path, smiling and making eye contact with dumb-ass. The bigger the smile, the better. As the dumb-ass closes in, say, "HI!" *BIG smile* just before the dog gets to you.

Step 3a: Little dog comes bouncing up to you with oblivious owner tailing. Kick dog if it bites, then call 911.

Step 3b: Owner recognizes that you're in the middle of the path, and would be embarrassed if they had to unwind doggie from around your bike. They shorten up the leash to get around you. WIN.

JB said...

I used to wear the orange stocking cap during hunting season, back when I had the time and localness to ride the LBL Canal Loop every damn day (26 and rigid - no other choice). I don't know if you can hunt in LBL, but I'd usually hear a gunshot or two.

McFly said...

Oh yeah you can hunt there. I am hitting the Canal Friday. The locals de-rooted it and straightened out some sketchy areas. The Great White Hunters tend to stay in the backwoods, though. Kentucky built an 11 mile lime-ish trail a few miles from the Canal. It's great when the weather is crappy.

Euro Spondee said...

If you all are needing some fresh biking politics to get you steamed up about while Snob is resting, you can try
this article
Just ignore the comments though, unless you really want to start forthing at the mouth.

BamaPhred said...

Just figured out that fuzzy little biting dog must have been Toto's doppelgänger Otot. Of course the clueless owner was none other than Dr Zo, whose zeppelin went to NYC instead of Kansas.

Deer hunting has is own special branch of fredism, and walmart and bassproshops are it's high holy temples.

Manning and Manning, 0 for 2 today. said...

DB@912: "...Denver is on fire tonight." Not so much it turns out. Maybe it rained.

Dooth said...

DB & McFly,

The dirty lowdown

(Oooh oooh
I wonder wonder wonder wonder who)
Got you thinking like that boy
(Oooh oooh
I wonder wonder wonder wonder who)

wishiwasmerckx said...

DB: No healment? Blasphemy!

DB said...

I know!
Turned it off at halftime.

Anonymous said...

re: Denver

Unfortunately PeyPey can't play when it's cold, or when he's emotional, or during clutch playoff games.

So as long as the rest of the season is warm, and the playoffs are all lopsided victories the Donkos could go all the way.

Still, better than Tebo.

crosspalms said...

DB,
No bus yet, just lots of wool. 28 and snow showers right now, the ride in wasn't too bad. On the way home I think I'll have the wind in my face, though, so I'll probably use at least 28 Fs.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

The moon was full just the other day. Hope that wasn't a little werewolf that bit your leg.

McFly said...

Am I crazy or do all my female friends on the Facing Book give themselves gynormous boobs when fabricating the BitStrips?

DB said...

Crosspalms:
Hope you stocked up on F's over the weekend.
I am impressed you went out this am.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

F's?
And pardon my french, but Que'est ce que le fuck BitStrips? I'm partial to honkin' hooters, myself...

McFly said...

These lil cartoons peoples make of themselves. Consult the Google Machine. I think it requires a smarting phone app. Which I do not have.

mikeweb said...

McFly,

Yeah, I'm pretty tired of those f-ing things already on the F-book.

Rode in this morning at 23F's. Hardly any wind, which I was thankful for.

robot catcher = bscoven

My local witchcraft collective won't like that one bit.

JB said...

McFly, if you could bump up the schlong size, would you?

Anonymous said...

Haha JUMBO MOOSE KNUCKLE. Hell yeah. But I would not have a caption or any hi jinx. Just me standing there with JUMBO MOOSE KNUCKLE. Maybe eating an ice cream cone or enjoying a Fresca.

McFly said...

^^^^^^^^^
Me

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...


alwaysproofbeforeyoupostalwaysproofbeforeyoupostalwaysproofbeforeyoupost

EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!! You drink Fresca? Yuck. That shit will kill you.

Do you suppose the Pope can have a coven? Cause I would still want the job if she couldn't, y'understand... it's just I always secretly wanted to be in a coven.

McFly said...

Well my dumb ass woke in the middle off the night, took a leak, and DRANK TWO BIG GULPS OF BLEACH. it was in a water bottle to kill some mold. I know I know I am a dumbass. It was dark and I was asleep. My tummy has been sore today. I welcome some Fresca.

Dave said...

McFly - I did that once. Damned near choked to death. But never mind that - here's the real reason we kids should always wear our helments:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/wildlife/8819557/Antelope-crashes-into-mountain-biker-during-race.html

Because some kind of horned ungulate might run right into you without warning. Impala, antelope, moose - maybe even an oryx. And you need your brain, poor and bleach-damaged though it may be, to stand back up and say something like "linsupa 3!".

North of 40 said...

My girl and I rented a car and drove from Ottawa to Kennebunkport to see how the 1% live. Stopped at a store in a small mill town that was slowly falling into decay and saw some gun toting hunter dude in the parking lot eating Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey from the bucket with his hunting knife. The lady says he's got good taste.

Fred Sled said...

One gross plus one!

JB said...

North of 40: I'm going to guess you were in the Vermont.

Old Vermonter said...

@North of 40,

Uh yeah, that would be Jerry.

Anonymous said...

DB,

deer killing = pigeon cull. don't call it what it ain't, as long as rifles are involved I mean.

deer strangling with a bootlace is what a manly man does

Yarpo said...

Babble, If you're the Pope, then you get to have a coven, 'cuz you're the Pope, The Decider, after all.
There, see? Problem solved!

Don't pronounce Decider like GWB II, it will only make your face hurt.


Xanthode Scranus! (Thank You Lucas Moore Mangosteen Juice Guy, for giving me the gift of the word, xanthode)

leroy said...

Oh great. Time for another Thanksgiving Day tradition.

My dog and his riding buddies gather on Thanksgiving afternoon to watch the National Dog Show on NBC -- the network whose sports channel brings us that Tour in France thing.

They commandeer the couch, go through a small mountain of Cheetos, and spike the non-alcoholic punch I prepare.

Last year, by the time the toy breeds were competing, my dog and his buddies were blasting Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz classic "Get Low" and singing along.

Nothing says Thanksgiving like a pack of inebriated canines on your couch crooning:

"Bend over to the front, touch toes, back that ass up and down, and get low, get low."

Honestly, I'm not falling for that explanation that it's about jazzercise.

DB said...

Leroy:
Before the dog show, you and your dog may want to watch out your window for loose Macy's Thanksgiving parade balloons on their way over the Atlantic.

Anonymous said...

http://imgur.com/gallery/7HWxsaV

Serial Retrogrouch said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Serial Retrogrouch said...

Leroy,

you're so lucky they haven't made a tradition of playing salt n peppa's 'don't want no short @#$ man' right after they see you walking in to poop on their party.

Bama Phred said...

I dispensed with the high tech deer hunting gear and went in a loin cloth carrying a spear. Got a fine for no blaze orange. Go figure

Freud said...

Oh man...therapy group. This sucks.

McFly said...

Well I missed my 30 degree bicycling cycle apparel set up. I was cold. Then I was hot. Then I was fine. Then I was a REALLY hot. Turns out as long I did not pick up the pace I was ok. I will call it THE WINTER OF NOT PICKING UP THE PACE.....off the rivet as they say.

Oh and sidebar one of my local old motocross buddies won 1.2 million in the lottery. I am jelly.

Ochin Pakhi said...

Euro Spondee said...
But seriously, is everyone else on vacation already? Or just trying to figure out how to use the golf ball personaliser on their crabon cranks?

Amarikan hot and sexy actress image

babble on said...

Yikes. That sucks. Yes, I guess even Fresca is better for you than drinking bleach. Know what else is good for you? Living in a city designed to make you happy.

McFly said...

I did have a mild case of Clorox Farts but all is good. I had some fun with it. Faked fallin out in the kitchen but everyone just walked over me. She said I was "actin' kind of weird" so I would yell out stuff like CHIZZY CHIZZY WATERHOSE just to add to the concern.

I think senility is going to be a pretty seamless transition for me.

dnk said...

McFly,

I'm glad you are alright. Your plight prompted me to type "drinking bleach" into Google. Very amusing.

If your job as a professional baseball player or airline pilot or whatever necessitates that you take drug tests, now might be the time to smoke a bowl and piss into a cup...

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

I suspect it will take truckloads of Viagra for that to be the case, McFly...

McFly said...

Red Bull is not much better than bleach....but this is still worth 5 or 6 minutes of your day.

crosspalms said...

McFly,
That was amazing. I think if Fred Astaire had ridden a bike he might have done stuff like that. Glad you're OK!

DB said...

Happy Turk Day, commentariat.
Thanks for the laughs this year.
Don't burn down your back porches deep-frying the turkey.

dnk said...

ph of Clorox is 12.5 - 13: it is highly alkaline.

The recommendations (via NIH and Poison Control) for neutralizing ingested quantities of bleach is to drink water or milk. Makes sense to dilute, for sure. But I wonder why they don't recommend drinking something acidic like lemonade, orange juice, or vinegar water in order to more quickly neutralize ph?

Seems like that would be a good option. Then again, I am a dumbass.

McFly said...

No a true dumbass would go right back to sleep. At 2 a.m. Taking no precautions. I WAS TIRED.

ps Isn't it about time for anon to go off on me for talkin about bleach adventures?

JB said...

McFly:

"Filmed and Directed by
STU THOMSON"

Holy Shit!

JB said...

dnk: I don't know if you'd want that acid vs. base reaction going on in your stomach.

mikeweb said...

dnk,

I've heard of drinking milk also for poison ingestion, and from what I remember the idea is that the milk will coat the stomach and prevent absorption of the poison until epicac can be applied.

Happy Native American no good deed goes unpunished day everyone!

dnk said...

I am out of the Big Apple visiting my parents for thanksgiving. (Outside of NYC, it is okie-dokey to say "Big Apple". Also, "Beantown," "Windy City," and "Frisco.")

Yes. And I'm bored out of my skull. I watched the Dead Kennedys video (that's how bored I am). I remember now: I kind of liked their politics and their attitude, but as a band they absolutely sucked. Jello Biafra is painful to listen to, and not in any kind of redeeming way. Thank god for the Minutemen who could at least combine great music with left-wing rants.

I was in the army way back when, when Dead Kennedy's "Frankenchrist" came out. Wretched uninspired stuff --- but the poster included with the album was the right artwork for the right time. Somebody had a label-maker, and churned out "THE CHAIN OF COMMAND WORKS WHEN USED PROPERLY." and we taped it on the barracks wall.

Ah, good times.

Sorry about the meandering down memory lane. Do I have a point? No point. Did I mention I am bored as fuck?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Sorry I.m late to the conversation. Why, exactly, are we discussing anal bleaching?

McFly said...

I was doing some R & D on an easier way to bleach the ol' bunghole. Ingest and let that brown eye gleam from the inside out.

[Just to the left of my pillow the sheet has this white sprayed splotched area, guess I coughed some up as I slumbered/almost died]

mikeweb said...

Meanwhile, up in Canadia...

McFly, inquiring minds need to know: what brand of bleach was it?

I'm not positive, but as luck would have it, Turkey and Punkin' pie are effective treatments for bleach ingestion.

Anonymous said...

Searching for a cycling commuting group in the East Sf Bay Area, searching to see if there is a group from Tesla that does so, I can fin only stories of Tesla drivers behaving badly.

As it turns out, Tesla is making just another 2 ton land missile--that indirectly consumes fossil fuels--for the vapid and wealthy.




Anonymous said...

I remember when Bleach came out in 89. Super tasty.

Roille Figners said...

Top ten?

inksngto FUCKGOOGLE

Roille Figners said...

Quel horreur, je suis le cent soixante dix huitième.

wishiwasmerckx said...

True story: Our local cable provider is Cox Cable.

The day's business took me by the County Courthouse this lunch hour. There I encountered a most earnest and modestly-dressed young lady who apparently has a beef with the cable provider. She asked me to sign a petition "to increase the tax on Cox."

She was sweetly oblivious to what she was actually saying.

Roille Figners said...

Nice!

"Help us apply some pressure on Cox"

"Cox have been getting off cheap for too long"

"Make Cox pay out what they've been holding back"

and so forth

fake_british_accent said...

dnk,

Remember that your stomach has **plenty** of acid in it.

Did you skip that year of biology class?

she's_baked,_like_a_pie said...

Another upstanding competitive cyclist old-dude fails his first drug test and then fabricates the flimsiest excuse since Tyler Hamilton's ephemeral twin.

Meeker Fails IQ Test

Hiring a lawyer meant he got to keep the positive secret for a year though.

One of his pals thought he was "a rock star." http://socalcycling.com/2013/11/26/confessions-meeker-groupie-bought-max-kash-agro/

Yeah, 'rock star' at some industrial park crit nobody sees.

Nice set of values/priorities all the way around.

Anonymous said...

Link is broken. Use this:

http://pvcycling.wordpress.com/2013/11/27/

McFly said...

White Cloud bleach. It does not taste as good as the name implies.

M.C. Pig said...

Where are the women? Oh that's right, in the kitchen preparing the foods for the menfolk.

Holy Roller said...

Jesus is the 'bleach' that will cleanse all you sinners from your sins! Drink the blood {bleach as you will) of the Lord (maybe give some cash too) and you won't burn in The Lake of Fire for all eternity, so says the God of love.

Euro Spondee said...

Speaking of being bored, and music from the good old days, the first picture on this post put me in mind of
Gang of Four's seminal first album cover

Way better than the Dead Kennedys if you ask me, musically and politically.

crosspalms said...

Left work early, picked up the turkey, peeled and chopped carrots and potatoes, readied the turkey (onions and chiles inside, chile butter outside), started cranberry sauce and gravy parts (more chiles), unchilled toes (didn't wear enough socks this morning -- 14F by the time I got to work, so probably 11 or 12 when I left the house. yargh!), and if my luck holds I won't have to make any emergency runs tomorrow. Hope everybody in Canada's fuzzy slippers has a good Thanksgiving, and hope the rest of you have safe rides!

leroy said...

For the first night of Hannukah, my dog gave me a jersey.

It says "Honk if you think I look good in Lycra ."

He says it's the gift of peace and quiet.

He's so thoughtful.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

He really is, bless his fuzzy heart.

Thank you for that video link, McFly! I feel so much better now, knowing that Danny wipes out, too. Mind you, he manages to pull off mind-boggling feats of bicycle cycling while I just go round in circles, but still.

Happy Thanksgiving down there, all ye American peeps! Gobble gobble, n'all that.

dnk said...

fake_british_accent: good point. I did include the caveat about being a dumbass though. So, kids reading this blog at home --- please don't listen to my advice about neutralizing the ph of ingested White Cloud bleach products. Unless you have smoked a lot of Wednesday Weed and have woken up to a drug test on Thanksgiving Thursday.

Speaking of Thanksgiving morning, my newsfeed today tells me that 4 people were killed yesterday by NYC drivers, including one bicyclist who was the victim of hit and run. As of yet, no charges in any of the "incidents."

DB said...

Wiwm at 1:04 and Leroy at 12:34 for the win today.

some random guy said...

Crosspalms, I had the emergency runs this morning -- probably from the chili last night.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Wishing all my fellow commenters a happy and drama-free turkey day, and don't forget to stick around for the 201st comment new page podium race...

CommieCanuck said...

O'Bama pardoned Popcorn the turkey. fuckin' bleeding heart liberals, under GW, that turkey would have been supper after three months of waterboarding at Gitmo'.
America is going soft.

Comment deleted said...

Our little cycling paradise of a town is currently overrun by wild turkeys. You can't fire a gun or shoot a bow and arrow in city limits, so one enterprising man (who thinks those turkeys look awfully plump and healthy) is proposing hunting them with bolos.

This could be a very weird Thanksgiving.

Happy day, all. I'm thankful for the laughs I find here, and the good company.

CommieCanuck said...

You mean strangling turkeys with those stupid little ties they wear in the Southwest? That would be weird.

I suggest rounding them all up and running them into a huge pit of boiling oil for an instant deep fry. Nothing could go wrong with that plan. Nothing.

Comment deleted said...

You're a genius, Commie. Let me check the city ordinances about giant pits of boiling oil...I'll get back to you.

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and 200th! And if you think that I won't hog the entire second page podium, then, well, sir, you do not know me...

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