Thursday, December 5, 2013

Inside: 450 Nearly Identical and Nauseatingly Expensive Crabon Dream Bikes Compared! [Plus: Tips on preparing for that big quarter-century.]

Omigod, I'm HILARIOUS!!!


Right?  Right?!?  Of course I'm right.  Also, let's all raise a glass to the illustrator of my columns, Leo Espinosa, whose fine work you can find here.

He's actually working on the design for my full back tattoo, which will be based on this:


Sadly I don't think it's going to be finished by this year's SSCXWC, which starts tomorrow:


(I think I'll die, thank you.)

SSCXWC stands for "Single Speed Cuckold Xavier Water Closet," and I am actually a veteran of one (1) edition, which took place in Portland in something like 2009 or thereabouts.  However, after careful deliberation I have decided I won't be visiting this one.  Part of the reason is that I'm burnt out and frazzled and increasingly afraid to leave my home, and the other reason is that I'm a superstitious person who is always on the lookout for signs (though I suppose that's just another symptom of being burnt out and frazzled), and a few days ago I received a sign that I should not go to Philadelphia.

Here's what happened:

So I was in Brooklyn, and I needed some lunch.  Believe it or not, there was a time when if you were hungry in Brooklyn you just ducked into a pizza parlor and ordered a couple of slices.  Sadly, those days are over.  See, storefronts are now reserved for people selling artisanal baby shoes and stratospherically expensive vintage furniture they bought at yard sales down south for pocket change, so now all they have are these "food trucks" that sell designer versions of the food you used to be able to buy indoors.  Normally there are vast snaking lines of white people at these trucks, and I'd rather eat garbage than join a vast snaking line of white people, but this time the weather was crappy and there wasn't much of a line, so I went to a food truck that sold cheese steaks.

Philly cheese steaks.

I won't tell you the name of the food truck, but the website for it indicates it is well-reviewed:

"Better here than in Philadelphia"
- NY Post - June 2008

"Best in Manhattan"
- Philadelphia Magazine - May 2008

"Addictive"
- Zagats Survey 2007

"The Real Deal"
- Zagats Survey 2008

"New York has never been much of a cheesesteak town until now"
- NY Magazine - October 2003

"Carl's stays true to the classic Philly formula"
- Time Out NY - November 2003

Best Places To Eat 2004
- NY Magazine - January 2004

Best of New York 2004
- NY Magazine - March 2004

Though it's worth noting that the only review from a Philadelphia publication is, at best, a back-handed compliment--sort of like calling a knish the "Best in Albuquerque"

Also, the food truck wasn't even in Manhattan, much less Philadelphia, which makes the accolade doubly irrelevant.

Nevertheless, I ordered myself a cheese steak, and was presented with a greyish meat-like substance slathered in Cheez Whiz and sandwiched between two soggy pieces of bread.  As I ate, I considered its public school cafeteria consistency and flavor, and within an hour I was in the bathroom and marveling at its efficacy as a purgative.

Maybe the very sandwich I had eaten was actually left over from 2004, when they were last voted "Best of New York."

In any case, I chose to interpret my unpleasant experience with the cheese steak as a sign that I should not go to Philadelphia this weekend, as well as an indicator that I should probably open a food truck that sells sloppy joes, because clearly abjectly shitty institutional-tasting food served from a four-wheeled vehicle is "in" right now and I'd obviously make a fortune.

(Also, I was already in Philly less than a month ago, and I don't know if I could manage visiting twice in a 30-day period without wanting to kill myself--especially because that damn kid will probably start harassing me again.)



Basically, it starts out confirming everything you ever suspected about Portlanders, which is that they're really annoying:

I ride my bike past rows of motionless overheating cars with my nose in the air, flaunting my obviously better commuting choice. I crow to my officemates about how little I spend on gas and how I never pay for parking. My ego precedes me as I fill the elevator at the office with my bulky two-wheeler. I take advantage of the ambiguity bicycles are afforded in respect to sidewalks, driveways, streets and bike lanes. If I can ride on it safely, I will.

This in itself is in no way remarkable, but then she starts in on everybody else who rides a bike who isn't her, such as the handless for some reason:

But, alas, there are some ignominious people who have forgotten this. Their self-absorbed, self-righteous behavior makes me look like a junior member of the Arrogance League. They weave through downtown traffic, handless and shirtless. 

Sure, it's easy for you to judge, but try slowing down when you don't have any hands.

Then she moves on to the people who use fancy stuff:

Arrogance even permeates cycling fashion. Expensive bike gear and "members only" attire boasts, "I am an athlete doing some serious training here! Don't get in my way!" People blow thousands on equipment as if to say, "Who cares about starving children in Africa? I need to shave 12 seconds off my time."

Uh, you do know that the companies that make all that stuff are probably either wholly based or at least have some kind of US headquarters in Portland, right?  And that's saying nothing of the bike shops.  Where do you think all these cyclists you're seeing work?  The Chris King factory alone is probably generating half the city's tax revenue.  Without that "expensive bike gear and 'members only' attire" your city is just a waystation for hobos with a shitty weather and a quirky donut shop.  Do you think anybody's visiting Portland and making TV shows about it because Gus Van Sant lives there?  Because I don't.

By the way, if it makes you feel better, I don't ignore the plight of Africa's starving children just because I'm riding fast.  In fact, I don't think of them when I'm commuting at a leisurely pace, or even when I'm waiting obediently at a red light.  I mean, I wish they weren't starving and all, but I'm on a fucking bike for chrissakes.  What the hell do you want me to do? 

Then this:

I must say, though, that the king of arrogance is the biker without a helmet. He is announcing to the world that he is too skilled to allow himself to be hit by a car. Obviously, when a semi-truck overturns in the adjacent lane, or a chain reaction fender-bender causes the car behind him to suddenly lunge forward, he will sprout wings and fly. Helmetless people are among those seen "flying" through red lights too...

Yeah, that cuts both ways, Lifestyle Columnist.  Frankly, I think the King (or Queen, I thought you Portlanders believed in gender equality) of Arrogance is the smug person in the plastic hat who thinks they're somehow less deserving of getting run over, and that their meaningless "safety kippah" guarantees them a free pass from grievous bodily harm.  You may think the helmentless rider is announcing that he is "too skilled to allow himself to be hit by a car," but I think the helmented rider is warning us that he knows he is going to fall down because he is too stupid and unskilled to remain upright.

You've got to hand it to her, though, since she's managed to strike a uniquely Portlandian balance between being almost sickeningly pro-bike while at the same time being a classic American-style victim-blamer.

Lastly, here's an inspiring documentary about a Fred:


Which features the rare and elusive live "disembodied hand:"


For some reason, listening to him talk about how cycling soothes him really stressed me the fuck out.

I think I need to go ride a bike now.

113 comments:

Anonymous said...

Craptastic!

wishiwasmerckx said...

First?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Fucking anonymous!

RoadQueen said...

Thursday!

Anonymous said...

Paul Steely White of Transportation Alternatives reminded that 'more New Yorkers are killed in traffic than murdered by guns,' and stressed a need for data-driven traffic enforcement to 'target reckless and deadly drivers and save lives.'

Yeah Cleveland! said...

Yep ton again.

Yarpo said...

Tpo Tpen!

Scraninista!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Chris King Titanium Beard Caliper

DB said...

My Dad wears a Members Only jacket and he's not Italian.

trama said...

"Paul Walker killed by being smashed and burned", says coroner

Yep. No Shit. If only he was wearing a helment

DB said...

Record low temps for Portland. 22 degrees.
Wussies.

CommieCanuck said...

Woulda been top ten, but I was on the hezza.

Anonymous said...

Alex, the kid who harassed you, says hi. He wants to know the next time we will get to see Bike Snob. I imagine I must tell him it will be next time you are in Philadelphia, as in never.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Arrrrghrogant lifestyle columnist.

Comment deleted said...

The way *I* live my life is a perfect balance of conscious consuming and minimal impact on the earth.

Anybody deviating from the way *I* live my life wishes death upon African children.

dnk said...

tioniaa 37238Handless.

Trying.

To foff off.

So hard.

I mean difficult.

Anonymous said...

Re: Fred video.

Do I detect sunglasses underneath helment strap!!

For shame Fred! For shame!!

Anonymous said...

1980's retro cycling dude

erikbe said...

That Fred rides for Garmin-Sharp...he's got the whole kit!

Whoops...he's got the wrong bike!

Seriously, with that "lifestyle" column and this video; can't we just ride our damn bikes...

Anonymous said...

y u no like ryder hrshzdal video?

le Correcteur said...

Missed top twenty cause I read it; where is everybody?

wsgreet constitution

Philly Bicycle Journal said...

Skip SSCXWSSY or what ever the correct initials are and come to the Bilenky Junkyard Cross on Saturday. A true Philadelphia tradition. We drink beer and you have to climb over junked cars instead of little wooden hurdles. Best of all no cheesesteaks, plenty of tater tots.

mikeweb said...

I just returned from some lunchtime laps in Central Park.

I didn't see that superhero guy with the black bird on his helment.

I didn't need a dropper post either.

I was occassionally handless, but not shirtless.

That is all.

crosspalms said...

He looked a little too happy putting those shades on. I think that video was actually outtakes from "Dexter."

3G said...

Whooops! He forgot the sunglasses go OVER the helmet strap.

Vernal Magina said...

"purgative"

never knew the word; oddly I just intuited it meant something that induces vomiting. and then I looked it up. thx for sharing :-D

learn something new every day.

grog said...

Snob,
If it aint made in Philly, then it aint a Philly cheesesteak. What you had was a Brooklyn cheesesteak. Go to Philly and get the real thing. The weather will be perfect for Phreds and Snobs and Fit Chicks at the Bilenky.

iRobot: Havooq cross

McFly said...

Damn if that Albino Dave Z did not inspire me. Light em up up up light em up up up........

Anonymous said...

Made my day, Mr. Snob.

mikeweb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ge said...

Want to shake that arrogant/smug facade that masks the underlying deep-rooted sense of inferiority caused by your choice of transportation mode? Lease a Hyundai and everything will be fine. You're good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like you.

therattler said...

Hot off the press. Garmin recruits team of full douchebags for next year's campaign. Onanistic swagger as you walk to your bike (held by his kid) will be taught to all team members at the winter camp in Orlando Fl. where the epic climb of Magic Mountain awaits those who dare take the challenge.

mikeweb said...

Also, sorry about your unplanned 'purgatory' moment, Snob.

A lesser man would've photographed the 'purgation' and sent it to the city health department, then scooped the 'purgation' out of the toilet with a plastic container and brought it back to said food truck and asked for his money back in front of other customers.

Not that I've ever done that before. Uh, a friend of mine did once though...

JLRB said...

the last thing that Fred needs to worry about is where his sunglasses go

The Portland Style Chick article had one benefit - I never knew there was bicycle insurance

Spokey said...

hmmm

daughter 2 just moved to Portland. trucked her bike back here and left it on the right coast.

First night there had the window in the car broken and all the stuff (mostly clothes) taken.

I'm staying here in Brooklyn's scranus.

Podium-Seeking Dipshit said...

A wonder you got sick eating a pile of old, grey meat likely prepared unsanitarily!

mikeweb said...

Actually the slo-mo shades donning part of that video reminded me more of a David Caruso 'CSI: Miami' moment.

John Henry said...

Yesterday's BS Post had lots to say about the train crash. Today's NY Times presents us with this article.

"Train Had a Warning System, Just Not in the Operator’s Cab" [Operator=Driver or Engineer]

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/05/nyregion/as-metro-north-resumes-service-riders-get-back-to-routine.html?hpw&rref=nyregion&_r=0

Matt said...

I like "Obviously, when a semi-truck overturns in the adjacent lane, or a chain reaction fender-bender causes the car behind him to suddenly lunge forward, he will sprout wings and fly." Yeah, when that semi overturns in the adjacent lane that scrap of foam on your head is going to help a lot.

No numbers today: glaringly tandonIV

John Henry said...

P.S. Sometimes I think I'm hallucinating when I read insanity like this. I'll think, I'll wake up tomorrow morning and discover the article was all a figment of my imagination on weed.

ge said...

Matt, there's the extremely slim chance that helmet will make the difference between being dead and wishing you were dead.

mikeweb said...

What Cathy's photo says to me is, 'I refuse to dye my hair, wear makeup or even use moisturizer because, you know, Feminism. And starving children in Africa'.

babble on said...

Huh. So that's it. I was wondering what caused the little boy to purge all over the house in great splatters all night long. He obviously had a Brooklyn Philly Cheese Steak when I wasn't looking.

Hope you're feeling waaaay better than he is today Snobbum.

Master of the Internet said...

Pointing the accusatory starving-children-in-Africa finger reeks of self-righteousness.
Dick Lewis is watching.

Anonymous said...

I made it through about 20 seconds of "Fredland: the musical" before I had to turn it off. Hey, you like bikeen? Great, me too. Keep it to yourself and lose the video, m'kay?

JLRB said...

Wildcat Runny-Shitz Machine -

I feel your pain on the food truck -the LAST time I ate from one of those things I got food poisoning - knocked me down for 3 days. Done. Never say never but never again.

The purgative properties likely saved you - got all of that out of your system quick before it could infect your colon.

RoadQueen said...

RIGHT! Wait, what? Oh yes, funny. Yes Snob, that 'Cross article was Hilarious. I LOL'd a bunch.

Sorry to hear about the explosive diarrhea. That really blows.

Heh. Ok I'm not sorry because poop is funny, no matter what the consistency. Especially when it happens to someone else.

In exceedingly rare, gooftastic form today. Thank Lob tomorrow's Friday.

Anonymous said...

I never wear a helmet to commute in NYC. i view it as a personal choice and at least for the time being it is not a law here. If you opt to don a helmet, good for you. I've been bike commuting here for the past 20 years, have gotten doored and hit by cars but my head is still in tact. I'm sure people will say that I'm tempting fate, but I ride carefully and defensively and probably more so because I am not wearing head gear. I wear a helmet when out on a long ride on my road bike but that is mainly to protect myself if I fall at a high of speed, not to protect myself against a reckless driver. Basically if you get hit by a speeding car your probably fucked regardless of what you are wearing on your head. The bike helmet as mandatory gear is only a recent thing. I used to be a bike messenger back in the late 80s and no one wore a helmet. Also I've biked a few times in amsterdam and no one wears helmets there. It's not because they are arrogant or stupid. Basically the helmet has become an excuse for drivers to kill you if you are not wearing one. "I know the car was speeding, ran a red light, the driver was drunk and driving on a suspended license, but the biker he hit had it coming because he was not wearing a helmet." No charges. Unfortunately that is the predominant mentality here, which is great for helmet manufacturers and reckless drivers but not so much for cyclists.

wishiwasmerckx said...

My philosophy on women?

"If I can ride on it safely, I will."

wishiwasmerckx said...

"My ego precedes me as I fill the elevator at the office with my nasty-ass cheesesteak farts."

fhfr436 said...

... and at 2:42 there's a slo-mo of him putting the earstems of his glasses UNDER his helmet straps! What a fred!

Anonymous said...


Gayest back tattoo EVAR

Dooth said...

Road Bike = Passion > Sucks

babble on said...

For you sufferers:

A daily dose of at least 6000 mg of vitamin D (in an oil based capsule)ensures against the flu like nothing else, and this dose provides a whole host of other health benefits as well. Only time I don't take it is mid summer.

Also: at the first sign of any viral infection, 4 drops of oil of oregano under the tongue at least once per day for a few days will definitely do the trick. If you have to call in the heavy artillery, then colloidal silver is always there. It has also proven to enhance the effectiveness of antibiotics.

The boy and I both had a sore throat this weekend. He refused the oil, but I took my nasty dose. Just one, cause I forgot about it after that. I feel a bit sluggish, as per usual when he brings the bugs home, but he is still vomiting today, has a fever and is feeling absolutely awful.

I am well. As always.

Try it. Check it out for yourself. You have nothing to lose.


Anonymous said...

goddamn hippies.

babble on said...

LOL!! :D

Guilty.

Roille Figners said...

Sorry I'm late, I was running errands. IN A CAR. What'd I miss? Hmm, maybe I'll go back and read the post.

RoadQueen said...

@Anon @ 3:11:

NICE. The back hair really sexes it up, don't you think?

JLRB said...

Speaking of running errands in a car - I had to do that today (because despite taking a fuckload of Vit D I am still recovering from the Flu) - I flipped on the radio and the sports channel on a DC station had Rob Fucking Fordsssss on - and they failed to introduce him properly (crack smoking Myaor) - He was predicting football scores for the weekend. They weren't making fun off him at all. I felt the need to shower.

Etherhuffer said...

Everyone drink your coffee because people in Africa are sleeping.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Babble, dear, we have nothing to lose? Colloidal silver WILL turn your skin BLUE!

Google that shit...

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and apparently ingesting oregano oil will lead you to go right out and buy a Member's Only jacket.

Chris Bonner said...

I have never once known a roadie to mock those who choose clothingways of a casual variety. Their loudest sniggering is generally reserved for those within the tribe(glasses go under the helmeant strap, etc.) People in t-shirts on platform pedals don't seem to raise their ire.

Maybe they do, though, and I'm just not in the clubhouse when they're bitching about all the filthy flatbar casuals.

Synonymous said...

Didn't plan on commenting but I figured I had to when I saw my robot code of the day was "Methodius rantians". That's Latin for possessing the ability to rant methodically.

Just saying.

Rantian on, Snobman.

BamaPhred said...

Road Bike=Passion. Where was the diesel fume spewing F 250. There's always one trying to hog the ENTIRE road on my rides. I was even cat sixed by a front end loader one day. At least it was a steep grade. It's pretty sad when you are reduced to racing logging equipment, and losing.

Anonymous said...

Why he loves riding a bike? Hell, he just sits there like a lumpa lumpa.

Twob Rake said...

How can Fred sit on saddle at crazy down angle? No surprise that he is out of it at every opportunity.


Cathy Hastie said...

I have a friendly vagina, please stop by and say "Hola" sometime.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...best part of righteous babe's (?) post is editor's note:

Editor's note: This is Cathy's perspective and, after much discussion, we're publishing it because she's a smart, thoughtful member of the community and it reflects what she (and we assume lots of other people) think.

...and editor is probably right... though that makes it un-ironical.

mikeweb said...

Goodbye Nelson Mandela, and thank you for everything. You will be missed...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Holy smokes! Now I'm getting breaking news from the comments section?

I have got to get a life!

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob thanks for the hyperlink to Bicycling The Magazine. They have a whole article on ex-big girls that lost 100+ pounds.
You know what I bet they like to do? Screw. A lot

Probably because their vaginas are now accessible.

Plus their men can't use the ol "Sorry babe pass me the KY jelly best I can do is corn hole you" excuse anymore.

I bet Cathy Hastie has a harry one.

Flyover Bike Commuter said...

So, WCRM, you've discovered my location and you feel compelled to comment on Flyover ignorance. Justifiably, I must add.

As a longtime resident of Albuquerque (except I moved to Santa Fe last month), I have no idea what a knish is. I'm not even sure you can purchase one anywhere near here. But I'm going to ask around.

Anyway, I suspect that Santa Fe smugness surpasses Portlands', but pales in comparison to NYCers or folks from the SF on the west coast, but only because the town is filled with folks from the East and West coasts.

Even yesterday, I was going to comment on a Flyover's perspective on the essential difference between the coasts. But I deleted it, because, really, who cares what we flyovers think.

BTW, If you're coming out here for the holiday of your choice, bring your skis or a fat bike, the snow's great but the roads and streets are little icy right now.

the commentariat said...

Anon 5:10, reminds me of one of the grossest jokes I ever heard:

Q: How do you fuck a fat girl?

A: Keep going thru the folds until you smell shit, then go back one."

Anonymous said...

If cross races require costumes, then there will be group of people (e.g. trekkies, creative anachronism, bagpipe players) that will participate just so they can wear their costumes. Then, the real irony will be the riders that wear skin suits.

JLRB said...

Dear Crackhead - It's not the crime but the cover up that gets ya

Anonymous said...

the commentariat said...
Anon 5:10, reminds me of one of the grossest jokes I ever heard:

Q: How do you fuck a fat girl?

A: Keep going thru the folds until you smell shit, then go back one."

Seriously? My comment got deleted but this TRIPE makes it onto the interbwebs? jeez,bikesnob...ICK.

Flyover BC said...

O.K. I now know what a knish is.

The local variety is called an empanada (ensconced in bread). But they're usually filled with some sort of fruit, like a fried pie.

Anonymous said...

The only problem with that fat girl joke, is people always interupt:
"ROLL HER IN FLOUR AND FIND THE WET SPOT"
Yes, indeed. That is amusing, but "flip thru the folds" is much nastier/funnier.

Why is Santa's sack so big?





He only comes once a year. Heeyyyyyoooo

DB said...

Huh. Flyover, for some reason I thought you lived closer to the midsection of the country.

Anonymous said...

Why do Mormons bury their dead with their butts up in the air?

So they'll have a place to park their bicycles when they come to visit the grave.

HMMM, I wonder if David Byrne will design such a bike rack for NYC?

Flyover BC said...

DB, nope it's NEW Mexico.

By the way, ABQ and Santa Fe are less than 500 miles from the geographic center of the U.S.

Anyway, the only reason I know what a flyover is, is because, once upon a time, someone showed me an illustration from the New Yorker mag, which showed the New York perspective on the US.

It showed NYC, LA, San Fran, and in the middle, Santa Fe. Everything else is a blank. So, maybe, from the NYC perspective, SF and ABQ are destinations rather than flyovers.

I keep hearing how immigrants from the east come here "to do the New Mexico thing, or the Santa Fe thing". I didn't know NM and SF had "things", or that NYCers felt compelled to do it... to the aforementioned things, that is. But what do I know?

On the other hand, a friend from Westchester, NY once asked if I had ever been to the east. I told him I'd been to Houston.
But I saw a trend developing. I didn't like it, So I turned around a came back.









Freddy Murcks said...

I would love to criticize The World's Biggest Fred for his World's Biggest Fred Bike Video, but I am sure, at one time or another, I have expressed each and every one of those inane sentiments about why I like to ride my bike. To my credit, however, I have had the good sense to not post a video to YouTube wherein I express all the utterly pedestrian reasons why I like to ride my bike. And I would not be caught dead wearing ProTeam gear (unless I happened to actually ride for said ProTeam, which would never happen so my absolute refusal to wear ProTeam gear is valid).

lootee 55

Roille Figners said...

If not wearing a healemenette means I'm arrogant, then I guess I'm arrogant. And if I'm arrogant, it's only because I am better than Lifestyle Columnist Cathy Haswhatever. How much money is she sending to starving children in Africa? If anything, like 3 of them died, to make possible her use of a single computer, to type that shit on.

BTW I resent her assertion that people are "blowing thousands." It only happened that one time in prison!

OK all done now.

ncypac fuckgoogle

trama said...

Copenhagen wheel is released, finally, bikes that can go with power assist!!! what next???

http://www.bostonmagazine.com/news/blog/2013/12/03/copenhagen-wheel-for-sale/

Skiptooth Lotus Eater said...

Babs a titanium mounted alchemist sorceress who could turn Portland on it's ear.

Dave said...

trama at 8:09 : what next after Copenhagen power-assist wheel? I'll tell you what next. Superpedestrian is swallowed by Google like everything else, and the "bike" is fully hooked into the Cloud. You sit on bike, and say "Supermarket." Bike takes you to supermarket, reads your thoughts, buys your Atomic Cheese Nachos and Coors Light with your credit card, dumps you back on your couch in time to watch "Bearded Duck-hunting Morons", your favorite show, and you are sweating, but only from fear as you realize that the Bike is your Master now. You get on Bike and casually say, "I think I'll go for a nice random ride, maybe sweat a little." Bike injects you with sedative and hypnotic and dumps you back on the couch. Straps emerge from the couch and secure your limbs. Barbra Streisand marathon comes on as you reach for a chip. You can't even scream. You feel fine. A gram is better than a damn.

WHAT NEXT

Bogusboy said...

Portland - let's just nuke it and call it a day....

The Rook said...

My bud, Walter White, says stop dissin' his jacket. He is danger...

The Rook said...

Members only...

Anonymous said...

WTF? Are you sure that Cathy Hastie's plastic hat doesn't give her a free pass from grevious bodily harm when a 80,000lb tractor trailer runs her over? Seems pretty arrogant.

Comment deleted said...

Dave @ 8:47 -- +1 internet

Grump said...

Somebody should tell Mr. Garmin Fred that in these Unitedity States, we ride on the right, not the left.

I'd like to find out from Ms Lifestyle what brand of helmet will save me if a truck tips over on me and my bike?

Anonymous said...

Click the link to my video, "Why I Stopped Boring People Yammering About Bicycling 40 Years Ago." Just kidding, there is no video. Yet.

Anonymous said...

Cathy Nasty should shut her god damn rainy Portland hole.

leroy said...

In DUMBO, you don't do lunch. Lunch does you.

Ms. Hastle could use a cheesesteak.

babble on said...

OMG Dave how Matrix of you.

... Bike is Master now ...

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Fuckin snob, suckin up to da man in that bicycling bike magazine...He uses metric units all over the place there but can't be bothered here. Snob, what does Fred shit smell like cause your nose is all brown with it.

babble on said...


Yeah, I heard someone had that reaction once. He probably made his colloidal solution all wrong and poisoned himself. You can drink gallons of the regular stuff without any noticeable effect. Literally. But I just gargle with a teaspoon here and there.

Antibiotics poison cells so the ones which survive are actually stronger. They are much like pesticides. Eventually, some bugs will adapt and survive to tolerate your poison.

Silver and oregano work differently. They suffocate cells on contact. I use silver if a persistent sore throat moves in, cause it's an entry point, a breeding ground where a viral load proliferates. You are meant to gargle for at least two minutes and then spit it out. It's incredible, because the sore throat literally goes away. Sometimes it comes back in several hours, but then you do it again, and the virus never has a chance to take hold. Oregano does much the same thing, and it's full of other things which benefit your body. You can gargle with salt water, too, though it's not quite as effective.

But silver IS going to be our saving grace
vis a vis the growing number of multi-drug resistant super bugs out there. Silver is breathing a whole new half life into antibiotics. It's a small miracle which we mustn't abuse with the continued use of antibiotics in industrial scale food production. THAT's a whole 'nother conversation.

Glan Deas said...

They suffocate cells on contact. I use silver if a persistent sore throat moves in, cause it's an entry point, a breeding ground where a viral load proliferates. They are much like pesticides.


Regards,
Kopi Luwak

Anonymous said...

"In New York, I'm a traffic cone. Not here."

You wrote that in the Portland article..
Hath you no shame?

3 College Boys said...

Babble tell us more about how the warm liquids hitting the back of your throat make you feel all better.

Discuss.

P. Bateman said...

apparently the Freder does think of something specific on his rides, and that thought is: i sure wish someone would document this on film and i sure wish i could have some terrible ballad-ish "rock" like music playing to give the audience of better sense of how epic this is.

i hate camera phones and youtube. the world was a better place when film cost money and you had to be selective on what you shot.

well...except for you snooberdoodle. glad you can take awesome selfies on the fly.

BamaPhred said...

Cargo bikes are an AP news story
The Snob is way ahead of the curve on this.

JB said...

The Cambridge Rain Cape on the copper plate.

McFly said...

Can I get an ehhrmen from arybody dat rode day beik to get some.

crosspalms said...

JB,
Throw a couple more satchels on the fire, will you? It's chilly in here.

Anonymous said...

The real hero here is "vehicle driver" Liz Weber who gets the joy of driving the damn support vehicle, feeding the kids, and making dinner while Fred goes on his 2-hr. rides for some “me time,” content that the little woman will have a nice home-cooked meal ready for him and the kids' homework will be done. Signed, Mrs. Fred

Anonymous said...

Whoops...he's got the wrong bike!

Seriously, with that "lifestyle" column and this video; can't we just ride our damn bikes...

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Anonymous said...

Super Fred's bike isn't even sized correctly. Sorry, but it had to be said.

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David Pearce said...

Thanks, Fred!! Road Biking=My Passion =just make me want to barf=never be caught dead even putting on a helmet=you pretentious asshat. You really walk out of your garage each day looking like Superman with a load in his pants? Please, try to find some more places on your body to wear a company's logo. Tch!