I Went To The Philly Expo And Here's A Story About It!

Philadelphia!

Yeah, I was there last Saturday.

Why?  For the Philadelphia Bike Expo!

The Philly Bike Expo is like something they might have in Portland, except it's actually in a real city located on the Planet Earth, so I never miss it.  In fact, I was so eager to get there this year that I flew into town, though I did botch the landing a little bit:

Like most bike shows, the best bikes are always the ones outside the exhibit hall, and this bulldozer-themed child-portaging machine was a real standout:

(Somebody's dad is awesome.)

I'm actually working on a medieval-themed child-portaging recumbent, though I need to dial it in because I keep losing the freaking kid:

(Somebody's dad sucks.)

Either I need to figure out how to make the trigger less sensitive so it doesn't keep going off when I put the kid in there, or else I just need to make it more accurate.

Once inside the Expo, I watched a typical bike pornographer at work:

Note how he takes a photo of one tube intersecting with another tube as his pants slowly tent:

Oh, the depravity.

Still, bike porn is really the only way you can get anywhere in this business, and so I took some titillating photos of a fat bike:

Though I immediately regretted it because if you look at a fat bike for more than three seconds your eye starts skipping over "normal" bikes and you only notice fat things:

(Look at that duct!)

Of course, "urban cycling" is always a staple at these things, and Bern was there giving out free head lice:

Another show staple is "retro-foppery," and Velo Orange was there with this tweedy mountain bike:

It may look rigid, but it's actually equipped with a suspension system called the Thoreau which remains locked out until the rider has been in the woods for two years, at which point it imparts a sense of transcendental introspection on the rider.

Speaking of introspection, one of my favorite things about bike shows is that you can tell exactly what everybody's thinking because they're bike dorks just like you.  Take this guy, for example:

It's pretty obvious he's fantasizing about how much craft beer he could fit on the front rack of that porteur:

Or, consider this guy:

He's admiring the shiny retro-inspired brakes as he dreams about not using them at stop signs:

Meanwhile, at the hat stand, a man lovingly fits a hat onto a woman's head:

As he pictures the most romantic moment ever to grace the silver screen:

If that pottery wheel scene doesn't make you cry then you're a monster.

Not everybody's happy, though.  For example, Craig Calfee looked a little bit nonplussed:

Sure, it could have been because some schmuck was pointing a smartphone camera at him, but I like to think he was picturing those fucking pandas and their insatiable appetite for bamboo:

In the bamboo framebuilding industry, the hated panda is commonly referred to as the "termite of the East."

I, however, am inscrutable, and nobody knew what I was thinking as I admired this all-terrain bicycling cycle:

I know though, and it's something I keep close to my heart:

But bike shows aren't just about bikes.  They're also about cheddar cheese--or at least this one was:

They had all my favorite kinds, too:

If you're wondering what makes a cube of cheddar gravel-specific, it's partly a function of the cube's diameter, but mostly it's the fact it's filled with tiny stones.

Oh, the cheese people also had used toothpicks:

Though I prefer to think of them as "pre-owned."

Maybe Warren Buffet can afford new, unused toothpicks, but the rest of us know they lose 98% of their value the moment they probe someone else's teeth, and we buy accordingly.

More fat bike porn:

And, its polar opposite, some baronial steer tube porn:

How hot is that when the exposed part steer tube is longer than the head tube itself?  (Answer: hot enough to melt a hunk of gravel-specific cheddar.)

Plus, they even had "solid bib shorts:"

I assume the "solid" part means they don't have a fly like those stupid ones from the other day:

I'd also be remiss if I didn't mention the Expo was produced by Bilenky, and here's a picture of someone taking a picture of their banner:

And here's some tandem porn:

Unfortunately I couldn't wander around the Expo while nibbling cheese all day, because I had to talk at people who would rather have been someplace else:

And if you're wondering how I maintain my poise and composure while speaking in public, my secret is that I focus on a mental image that gives me great comfort:

Or else I just picture everyone in bib shorts, which is pretty much the same thing.

During the presentation, I gave away what I thought was a large amount of free stuff, though nobody thanked me.  Also, one of the audience members unleashed a small boy upon me who pestered me for the duration of the hour, though I did make the best of the situation by making him hand out the prizes for me.

Then, after waking everybody up, I went back to the Expo in case anybody wanted a book signed:

I didn't sign any books, but I did sign three breasts, a goiter, and a cube of cheddar cheese.

Then I left the Expo, and on the way to THE CAR THAT I OWN I passed a table full of free drugs:

And it was only after consuming them that I looked up and realized I was standing in front of the Church of Scientology:

The next 24 hours were a blur, but let's just say Tom Cruise is a lot shorter in real life.