For the most part, the article is entirely unremarkable, apart from the fact that variations of the word "schlep" appear twice in it, which has to be some kind of record for the AP.
The American Academy of Pediatrics guidelines recommends not taking infants under a year old on bicycles. It says children should ride in a bicycle-towed child trailer, wear helmets and be strapped in. It warns of risks of serious injury when carrying a young child on a bike.
Right--or, better yet, you should carry your children at 80mph in an inherently unstable SUV prone to flipping over. The best part about that is you don't have to wait until they're a year old, either. In fact, that's how you're supposed bring the kid home from the hospital.
Meanwhile, a Chicago suburb is cracking down on the biggest problem facing America today, which is of course children who ride bicycles without wearing helments:
In the quest for safer cycling, the village of Oak Park just outside Chicago has gone punitive. This leafy suburb recently enacted a mandatory helmet law for children under 17. Parents of tykes riding trikes and Huffys could face fines and community service if their children are caught without a styrofoam cap.
Community service? Are you fucking kidding me? It's depressing how horrified of bicycles this country has become. You should see some of these parents' faces if you let your kid ride a bike or one of those little plastic scooters without wearing a helment. They act like you just passed him a crack pipe. By the way, most of these kids are going little faster than walking speed, and in any case rarely any faster than they go when they run, and show me a kid who doesn't nose-dive every time he tries to sprint down the sidewalk and I'll find you a kid who's not running fast enough. I guarantee that in ten years, if you visit a Park Slope playground, every kid in it will be wearing a helment on the monkey bars. (Not that they have monkey bars anymore; they have terraformed landscapes with flowing water features.)
Hey, a blow to the head every now and then is good for a kid. It shaves off the excess IQ points. Otherwise, you wind up with a precocious snot-nosed know-it-all, and nobody wants that.
In other news, a Twitterer who I'm relatively sure is a PR shill wanted me to know about the world's lightest mini pump:
iPump? Really? Apple is going to plotz.
Anyway, it weighs only 21 grams, which who cares?
Or, as the inventor says:
"This is critical for racers who dream of being in the Tour de France one day."
Right, because if you follow the Tour de France you know that when a rider gets a flat he immediately stops, changes his own tire, and then inflates it with a mini pump.
By the way, when he says "racers" they show this guy:
The only place that guy's racing is to the computer to take advantage of big "cyber Monday" savings on designer technical hoodies.
If he wants to save weight, maybe he should lose that camouflage purse on his shoulder.
Also, this guy:
He's running that tire at 150 CSI (clichés per square inch).
And with that, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you're special, and if you're wrong you suck and you'll see excitement.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and stay positive, because you suck at life.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
1) I'm HILARIOUS!!!
2) David Byrne ran over a cat in his leased Hyundai and left the carcass on the owner's porch with a note pinned to it that read, "Next time put a leesh [sic] on it."
3) "Moisture management" is a quality of:
--Cycling-specific technical hoodies
--The public water supply
--Feminine hygiene products
4) Jan Ullrich has become synonymous with:
--"Uncannily accurate Mick Jagger impersonations"
5) "Sir" Bradley Wiggins recently offended people by:
--Calling teammate Chris Froome a "bloody doper"
--Calling Jan Ullrich a "freckle-faced twat"
--Telling an auctioneer at a charity benefit for victims of childhood sexual abuse to "suck me off"
--Walking around with that stupid haircut
6) Lance Armstrong and an unnamed Russian billionaire are in talks to establish a "Lifers League," an alternative competitive cycling league consisting entirely of banned riders who will be paid wholly in Bitcoin.
7) Fill in the blank:
"Hillbombing is out. _____________________ is in."
***Special Bonus Pennyfarthing Crash Porn Video!!!***