Wednesday, November 13, 2013

My Wednesday Is Your Wednesday.

Well, winter is fast approaching, and you know what that means:

Every crappy periodical in New York City has to run through its backlog of stupid bike articles before the big freeze.

To that end, New York, which is a magazine about New York City written entirely for people who live in Westchester, has run this hard-hitting exposé on how many cyclists don't stop at red lights:

On a recent afternoon, we sent Daily Intelligencer intern Nikita Richardson to the relatively quiet Soho intersection of Greene and Prince to surreptitiously observe what bicyclists did when confronted with a red light.

Poor intern Nikita Richardson.  Three pedestrians killed in New York City by drivers on the sidewalk on Monday alone, and this putz Dan Amira has her standing outside the Apple store counting bikes.  So what did she find?


In the time she observed the intersection, only 13 out of 89 bicyclists on Prince Street stopped for the red light, a total of 14 percent. 

Big deal.  Back when I had a real job I used to ride through that intersection daily on my commute and I always saw drivers going through the red light after it had changed, just like they do at every intersection in the city--but of course Dan Amira didn't have Nikita the Intern count any of that.  Instead, he made up some bullshit about how motorists don't run red lights until he was forced to append this correction because evidently they run over a million red lights a day, which surprised even me:

*The sentence "Few motorists would dare blow through a red light, even if it appeared safe to do so" has been removed from the second paragraph. A 2000 report indicates that drivers in New York City run 1.23 million red lights each day, which is more than a few. 

Moron.

If Dan Amira had been investigating the Watergate break-in with Woodward and Bernstein he would have been the one sending an intern to find out if anybody stole any towels.

Speaking of hard-hitting journalism, a number of readers have written to let me know that Competitive Cyclist has interviewed the "Assos Man:"


Conspicuously absent was a question about how many carrots you have to eat in order to turn bright orange, though they did ask him this:

Over the course of your modeling career with Assos, we’ve seen some amazing poses, with my favorite being the invisible cycling position pose. Could you walk me through a typical photo session? What level of collaboration is there for creating the aesthetic of a shoot?

Let us just say that the poses came about in a far more natural way than one would think. The reality is that my job is more mannequin than model. My role is more technical than aesthetic. It is of fundamental importance to Assos that their clothes are shaped for the cycling position and not for standing up straight. So, we have always tried to create photos that respect this. Erwin, of course, needs to not think about me, but about the product, and how the photos can be used in catalogs and on the website without having to retake them all.

Right.  "Natural way," huh?  That makes sense.  So I guess they fed him a lot of binding foods and just Photoshopped out the toilet later.

Anyway, cute idea and all, but wake me up when they interview this guy:


Over the course of your modeling career with Wikipedia, we’ve seen some amazing poses, with my favorite being the one where you're standing there dolefully, your arms just hanging by your side like a couple of dead wiener dogs. Could you walk me through a typical photo session? What level of collaboration is there for creating the aesthetic of a shoot?

I ache.

End scene.


In other apparel news, clothing company Outlier sent me a promotional email with the subject line "Doublebag It," which I only opened because I thought it said "Douchebag It:"

Hey Bike Snob,

It's the traveling time of year, when the seasons get deep, the deep get packing.

We made the Doublebag as a simple way to separate your clothes while traveling. A lightweight supplex bag with openings at both ends and a movable partition in the middle to keep your dirty laundry from spoiling your clean. Dirty laundry in one side, clean in the other. Once you start using it you may well find it an essential travel tool. 
WWW.OUTLIER.CC/DOUBLE

A $50 bag to separate your clean and dirty clothes while you're traveling?  What do they think those plastic bags from the deli are for?  I'm perennially amazed by the anal retentiveness exhibited by urban males of the gentrifying class.  Outlier should follow this up with a $100 sanitary "ass gasket" made from high-performance technical fabric for use on airport toilet seats.  Actually, it could be part of a whole kit, and it won't be long before travelers in the Jet Blue terminal are entering the men's room with so much hygienic equipment you won't know if they're going to "drop a deuce" or deliver a baby.

Of course, if keeping your clean and dirty clothes separated qualifies as a major problem in your life, you'd probably be at home in Portland, where a reader informs me the cycling community has hit a metaphorical bump in the road in the form of a handful of literal bumps in the road:


There are five bumps placed about two feet apart and they're made up of thermoplastic strips about an eighth-of-an-inch think. That might not seem very high, but on a bicycle the bumps can definitely be felt — especially for riders with narrow tires. We've heard a lot of feedback so far that not only are the bumps jarring but many people swerve into the adjacent vehicle lane to avoid them.

Here's one critique cited in the article, in which someone who clearly reads too much "Bicycling" magazine thinks his aluminum frame isn't laterally stiff yet vertically compliant enough for this new piece of road furniture:

I commute on my trusty aluminum frame road bike and feel every last bump on the new rumble strip, so count me in as someone who swerves to avoid them; I think if they weren't quite as bad I might slow down instead. I asked a friend and she tells me she hates them (and she added an unusual expletive to quantify the extent of her hatred).

As intrigued as I am by that "unusual expletive" (Was it "frumunda sauce?"  Because that would be pretty unusual), I'd think Portlanders would be excited about this since it would give them all excuses to run out and get new custom Breadwinner steel artisanal commuting bikes specially designed for smoothing out speed bumps.

Then again, this being Portland, it seems to me they could have come up with a much better solution for slowing down cyclists as they approach a shared sidewalk--namely, a cyclocross barrier that would force riders to dismount.

Anyway, I'm sure they'll figure it out, because they always do.

Then they'll have a theme ride about it.

Meanwhile, here in New York City we don't need speed bumps because they're built into our shitty infrastructure:

Girl with glasses and awesome bike who fell infront of my house - m4w (BedStuy)
You fell on that gnarly section of Lafayette by Nostrand. I didn't see you fall, I just saw you sitting there with your bike lights still on looking pretty dazed, and I got you a rag for your face blood. Anyways, is your shoulder still messed up? You should sue the city so they finally fix that section (it's been messed up since I moved here), that would be rad. Email me and let me know if you're okay and not missing any teeth or anything, for someone who just fell off their bike you seemed pretty cool.

"Face blood," eh?

Good thing she crashed in front of a doctor.


118 comments:

theEel said...

weed!

RB1 said...

zoom

Anonymous said...

POOP IUMM

Yarpo said...

Tree!

streepo said...

scranus

Anonymous said...

12:01

g. said...

Top 10!
Slow and steady wins the race.
--Marge Simpson

le Correcteur said...

top ten no podium and unread!
ntstdud 22

Yarpo said...

Craphouse Mouse!!!!!

Beating on the handlebars/going al Leif Hoste-mad!

Blaming the Drunken Mechanic, my newest favorite.

RoadQueen said...

Top 10!

Yarpo said...

Uh, "al" should read, "all." Sorry...

le Correcteur said...

"it won't be long before travelers in the Jet Blue terminal are entering the men's room with so much hygienic equipment you won't know if they're going to "drop a deuce" or deliver a baby."

Nailed it again!

1607 nfresta

JB said...

Get rad on speed bumps. Show "the Man"!

CommieCanuck said...

I was riding with my buddy this weekend, he blew through a red light, "relax" he says, "my brother does it all the time." A few block later, same thing happens, " relax, my brother does this all the time and he's fine."
A few blocks later, he screeches for a halt at a green light, I crash into him, broken I bloodied I asked why he stopped at the green light?
"My brother lives around here"

OLDE JOKE

babble on said...

Wednesday, Wednesday, and the imminent return of winterFred...

Yeah Cleveland! said...

Appears tep twonty is as good as it gets.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

"Photoshopped out the toilet"

Gold Snobbie, gold.

rural 14 said...

rural 1st!
top something!
& I read it.

BamaPhred said...

Uum, less Assos guy and more Assos Girl

With the power of BSNYC, I'm sure you can pull off an interview with the lovely lass.

Anonymous said...

Portlanders can't bunny hop

BamaPhred said...

"Hanging...like a couple of dead wiener dogs"

As they say, gold

And in my own ADHD method of reading and posting, I get the impression that the guy in the first picture only stopped to ogle the lady in the crosswalk.

JB said...

Assos guy: "The reality is that my job is more mannequin than model."

He's blowing my mind, since Mannequin is French for model. Assos guy, philosopher.

Buffalo Bill said...

I ache too.

JB said...

"A $50 bag to separate your clean and dirty clothes while you're traveling? What do they think those plastic bags from the deli are for?"

Even better, the plastic bags labeled "Laundry" that are conveniently supplied in hotel rooms,
when you are traveling,
and won't have anyplace to put your dirty clothes,
and don't want them to smell up your clean clothes in your suitcase.

Anonymous said...

25rd!

RoadQueen said...

I got your $50 bag right *here*

JB said...

"You should sue the city so they finally fix that section [...], that would be rad."

Yes, it's "rad" to spend thousands of dollars fighting city government.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Bump day.

JB said...

I'll go away for a while.

vanity of bike shorts said...

dirty thirty

JLRB said...

Huuuuump Day - OK, yea, it got old long ago. I still like it, especially since I have no idea what the ad is for.

But enough about camels. The bit about the correction tot eh lame bicycle scourge article is delivered with precision. Very Daily Show-esque.

1.25 million red lights blown each day (there is an easy joke in there) - I would love to have been in the room when the fact checker caught up with the moronic "assumption" about drivers. Sort of like the still stuck in my head assumptions that bike commuting does nothing for the environment because bicycle commuters would walk or take the bus if you kicked them off their bicycles.

mikeweb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
McFly said...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh Ol' Man winter. You can't swing a dead weiner dog around these here parts without hitting someone in a North Face jacket.

RQ I am confused. What did you grasp when you exclaimed about the $50? Fairly Ample posterior? My fave.

mikeweb said...

That naked artist from Moscow the other day is currently looking for a 50 Ruble bag.

Anonymous said...

Commie - the joke is by that great American philosopher George Carlin.

cycle

babble on said...

Oh Help. The anti-cyclist propaganda machine is driving me to distraction! Wake up, motorists! You're unwitting pawns in a war on good old common sense.

Sigh... I need to ride.

Anonymous said...

wholly God! the Assos girl is nice.

crosspalms said...

Meant to say something yesterday about that bulldozer bike but got distracted. Pretty cool.

23 (F) when I left the house this morning, so winter in Chicago, too. I think the number should get higher when it goes below freezing, because the colder it gets the more Fs I use. This morning took more than 23 Fs, I'm pretty sure.

Comment deleted said...

My guess for the unusual expletive: "Zounds!"

Alternately: "God's Clit!"

crosspalms said...

eemsqua 202

no additional comment, just robot salute

RoadQueen said...

McFly - I made the typical hand gesture during my remark with both hands.

"In da back an' in da front"

Sing it, Fergie.

Comment deleted said...

"Correction: the preceding article was complete bullshit. Any resemblance between it and reality is highly unlikely. The writer has been sacked."

Anonymous said...

I took delvery of my bridge street saddle bag last night. I contributed to their kickstarter campaign. Looking forward to checking it out although a little dissappointed that the seat post bracket is a cheap metal loop and not the much more substantial looking plastic clamp they show on their kickstarter video. I blame you for this wildcat.

Bill OGrady said...

After riding in New Haven for 20 years, and being hit by cars better than a dozen times, and being that none, NOT ONE, driver was ever ticketed for the accident (though the injuries cost me jobs, apartments, etc.), I blow through red lights all the time. Once in a while, I'll be pulled over by a cop and given the lecture, 'you must obey all traffic laws,' etc. My response being, 'write all the tickets you want; tickets don't put me into the hospital, cars do. I'll stay away from cars.'

EndoverKing

JLRB said...

So looking at the caption under that photo in the bullshit article - it says "About to run a red light, probably." Is that real or was it added?

Should say - "another dork with a cheesy mustached on a blue bike checks out a hottie crossing the street while 1.25 million cars run traffic lights"

mikeweb said...

RQ,

I'm suspecting that after your hand gesture explanation, we won't hear from McFly for 5 or 10 minutes.

I'll also be 'offline' for a while.

Anonymous said...

That Craigslister dude totally went with the wrong angle. How aboot "I've already gotten you a warm washcloth to clean your face off once so why not do it again? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?"

CommieCanuck said...

Assos should do something about the quality of the lettering on their bibs. The "H" and "LE" keep falling off.

ASSH OLES

CommieCanuck said...

That Craigslister dude totally went with the wrong angle. How aboot "I've already gotten you a warm washcloth to clean your face off once so why not do it again? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?"

euw.

Roille Figners said...

Missed cubic podium but solidly within quartic podium, WOOP WOOP

CommieCanuck said...

If Assos guy and Assos girl started breeding, we could get children of Lyle Waggonerian proportions.

T said...

I was just in NYC, and as a slack-jawed Canadian tourist, I realized pretty quickly that traffic lights are more of a mild suggestion, be it for cars, pedestrians, or cyclists.

At one point while standing and waiting to cross, a homeless guy actually waved me across and before asking for change told me to just walk through when nothing was coming, its what New Yorkers do. Once I realized how many one way streets there were, I realized why this is the case.

So I find it pretty insane that anyone who actually lives in New York, like the author of that article supposedly does, would be even the least bit surprised that cars, cyclists, and pedestrians go through red lights. It took me less than a day to realize this. For his next hard hitting expose, he should come to Canada and count the shocking number of people who enjoy the sport of hockey.

Roille Figners said...

Somehow I never dreamed Assos Guy was known to anyone outside the confines of this blog, much less that he was the topic of articles actually written by said people.

And hey I've gotta admit the two-sided bag appeals to my anal retention - not so much because of dirty/clean but because of wet/dry. And I suppose secondarily to that, road-filth/non-road-filth. Still nothing a deli bag can't fix though.

*deuce*

brother yam said...

a $100 sanitary "ass gasket" made from high-performance technical fabric for use on airport toilet seats

Aerogel is what you're looking for.

Herschel Raney said...

Fucktard Shitheel. Um, for the unusual expletive. Just remembering what Grandma used to say.

McFly said...

Good thing she crashed in front of a doctor.

Anonymous said...

It's really pretty rude, I think, to constantly mention cyclo-cross and never mention Steve Tilford, the WORLD CHAMPION who happens to be dealing with some hard times lately.

Anonymous said...

Mildly amusing and then bam. Last line cracked me up. You always deliver!

Billy said...

Did y'all know that bib shots guy has his own comment section?

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/User_talk:Hustvedt

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

I needs me one o' them speed bump bikes

Herschel Raney said...

I never realized that striking bib guy was actually the wiki model. Excellent. Will someone check for me and see if he got the job for the entry page for "thong" too? I am afraid. And I learned that Radhose is German for the same entry for this item of bike clothing. I am sorry, that is just a better damn word for it.

Anonymous said...

Am I crazy or is the girl in the crosswalk holding a jar of Grampa Wilson's Ol' Timey Cock Salve?

HAND JOBS

Anonymous said...

Snob, have you ever facilitated the resolution of a missed connection? I feel like your blog gets so many "eyeballs" (as they say in the blogging industry) you must have played unwitting matchmaker at least once.

StormQueenNYC

DB said...

I'm here, sorry.
Been looking at Assos Babe.

Gravel, the new asphalt. said...

If Portland just covered the bridge in gravel wouldn't that slow everyone down, cars included?

RoadQueen said...

@ Herschel Raney - I checked out the thong situation on Wiki, and unfortunately bib shorts guy isn't the model of choice for this particular article of clothing.

Anonymous said...

Wherever civilization arrives, order and complexity also arrive. Things formerly free and simple are complicated by the slow creeping torpor of rules, procedures, resource-sharing and bureaucracy. This is the proper context in which to view the Hawthorne Bridge speed bumps, every stop sign in the world, and Burning Man.

Dooth said...

I just can't find the unusual expletive to quantify my hatred for the anti-bike bias of that New York article . The usual one should suffice.

Regular guy said...

Unusual expletive?, Well, it is Portland. Bunch of assos.

Anonymous said...

"...it's been messed up since I moved here." Suspicious, I suspect m4w messed it up himself so he could lie in wait for fallen damsels and then rub them with his flannel...

Herschel Raney said...

Roadqueen, thanks, I can look now.

And, oh, that's...no wait, that is him!

Road, CC, Gravel and Sand is Next said...

Anom@223: I checked out Steve Tilford's Blog and an article about him. Inspiring story. On his blog this comment about racing in Louisville caught my eye"

"I’ve never liked sand much. Especially sand in the United States. Our sand isn’t the same as Belgian sand. Our sand is much bigger and doesn’t hold a line nearly as well."

Gravel bikes are the current fad and soon US sand Bikes will be all the rage.

Here's a good article about him:

http://billstrickland.wordpress.com/short-nonfiction/steve-tilford-is-why-we-ride/

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

Thanks Road Queen for putting in the, er, leg-work for this link.
I will put on my radhose just for you...

I don't see any Super Fox on the Main Page said...

This Assos's super fox everyone keeps posting about. Where exactly is she on their website? Under "Tights and Knickers" maybe?

Anonymous said...

I didn't see anything in that first photo, the blue bike stole my gaze like a magnet in a drawer full of paperclips.

Damn you Delia Ephram!

erikbe said...

Who still says "Rad" without irony?

Angie Kritenbrink said...

They made Doublebag for Seattleites, I think, since plastic bags are outlawed here now, and people will go spend $2000 at REI on camping crap because "camping is cheaper than staying in a hotel."

JLRB said...

3:21 see 12:23

There is a button to click that says you can buy her online, but all that came in the box was some stupid tights

Anonymous said...

War is face blood envy.

Roille Figners said...

She's the Assos Bib Shorts Guy of ladies. She's Assos Bib Shorts Guy Lady.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Does anyone else find it pathetic that Tilford trolls this comment board in a pathetic attempt to drive traffic to his own blog?

Comment deleted said...

wiwm, is that what is going on? I always assumed it was a long-term, low-key parody.

CommieCanuck said...

I was just in NYC, and as a slack-jawed Canadian tourist, I realized pretty quickly that traffic lights are more of a mild suggestion, be it for cars, pedestrians, or cyclists.

They have traffic lights? Ya mean outside of Times Square?? Ho -lee, eh.

McFly said...

We tried tent camping 3 dang times this year but got run back home in the middle of the night every time from violent storms. The daytime was fun. So was the early evening. Because tent sex.

Dichard Rawson said...

Cd,

'Ka-ding!'

Also, was that the real wiwm?

Survey says?!?

'buzzonk!!'

GREAT WHITE MILF HUNTER said...

I don't know Queenie that thong princess looks high maintenance. I bet the thick MILF in the light aqua mini-skirt to her left can bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan and give you a reach around while you gently bang her in the kitchen.

With the light aqua mini-skirt slid up, of course.

Dave said...

"When the bell rang a second time the King shouted angrily, "Smudge and blazes!" and at a third ring he screamed in a fury, "Hippikaloric!" which must be a dreadful word because we don't know what it means."

But when I am not the Nome King I just say, "Well, don't that take the rag off the bush."

Mark said...

Assos man is a tri geek?!?

Unknown said...

Wasn't there an episode of Seinfeld where Kramer borrows a car from the Assos man, and hijinks ensue?

Vegas said...

I don't think we have as much trouble doing the rolling stop out here on the West Siiide. The preponderance of the "California Roll" may be a big reason. Drivers realize that they are doing it so what's wrong with bikes doing it. The Stop sign isn't a perfect traffic control, and lots of people are smart enough to know that. It is mostly just the default traffic control, and people adjust their behavior based on the specific conditions at that particular intersection. I am in suburbia too, though.

And has been reiterated many times, I don't do it when there is other traffic present. The "Idaho Stop" descriptions make it very clear how it should be done: Stop sign = Bike Yield sign, Red light = Bike Stop sign-if no traffic. Lots of drivers here actually wave me through Stop signs, even when they arrived first, because so many bikes just go through them. Kinda cool but also kinda weird since I'm already in "pause to let them go first" mode and then have to reassess the intersection to make sure the other directions are clear or how on-board they are with the person waving me through.

And we've go lots of new infrastructure here, too. Some detector loops are sensitive enough to pick up bicycles to change the light. Some intersections actually have a bike button to push (in addition to the pedestrian button). It is located on the closer signal pole so you don't have to ride around the corner and up the sidewalk to push it. It also doesn't activate the Walk/Dont Walk sign, and the light change is much shorter than it is if you pushed the ped one.

ouabacher said...

The theater where I saw "RAD" has been a non-denominational church for 20 years. I do not remember the hose part.

Dooth said...

Unknown, you're so right...I almost shat in my Assos during that episode.

babble on said...

T @ 1:38 - RIGHT??!!!???

Road Queen - Thanks, doll. I love pretty things. And cute bums. Looks like that girl knows how to ride a bike. :)

Down Rio Way said...

Road Queen, the thong pic, she really does have a great shape to her "posterior". If you got it, flaunt it. She's moving toward putting the moves on the fat guy wearing the tee-shirt with the fish on it, he's just a little to her right.

Pic must be from Brazil, can't wait for the beach shots at next year's World Cup.

The Garden (of Eden) State said...

CommieCanuck @436: Ho-Lee is across the river in New Jersey.

The Swanson Cut-Off said...

Road Queen: The woman in blue standing in front of Thong Babe. What do you think she is holding in her hand, I don't even want to guess.

What Is It? said...

Anom@223: I checked out Steve Tilford's Blog. He's not dying of some disease, not in the hospital from a crash. What was it you were referring to?

ouabacher said...

Too much attention from BSNYC commenters

wishiwasmerckx said...

99th...

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and 100th!

Salvatore Denise said...

you are laugh out loud funny today, thanks snobby.

Smoky da Bare said...

Yo. McFly. What's it like having sex with a tent?

Grump said...

A better comment from "Bibshort guy", instead of "I ache" would have been..." I've been constipated for a week".
.

mander said...

The weiner dogs section brought forth hearty lols.

Anonymous said...

CAPS LOCK

Frilly Chick said...

I heart you Vegas Bob!

leroy said...

speed bumps? piffle.

in nyc, the bike lanes come with stencilled bikes because bespoke crime scene chalk outlines require too much effort.


Euro Spondee said...

Leroy,
Would this be the French equivalent

McFly said...

It's a little bit like doing it with your mom. Bag of bone-ish and a great big opening to get in. The tent is just wet on the outside, though.

ce said...

Towelgate

Anonymous said...

Snob,

If you ask real nice, maybe you can convince them to start a "Douchebag It" marketing campaign...

http://mydouchebag.com/

THANK YOU NORWAY.

Dan Miller said...

Why a duck? Why-a-no-chicken?

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Euro Spondee --

I must get that French stencil for my living room.

Of course, I would have to add the legend "Poop Here, Win One Way Bus Ticket Out of Town."

I bet that sounds way cooler in French.

Merde ici, gagner billet d'autobus aller hors de la ville.

Hmmm. Maybe not.

englishstu said...

The Portland speed bump complainers want to think themselves lucky that they're not confronted with this....

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-24912111

Euro Spondee said...

Monsieur LeRoy (now that does sound better in French),

It will sound bad if you use Google translate.
Ca me fait chier, quoi!

Anonymous said...

I wonder if Tilford has a new post up yet?

Anonymous said...

You should have jumped that skunk.... You already jumped the shark. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Anonymous said...

I call lanterne rouge you twat skunk jumper. Hey i'm commenting on myself. Self Five!!!