Monday, October 21, 2013

What the Delia, Ephron?

Can you imagine if you were able to pick a subject you knew absolutely nothing about, write a batshit crazy opinion piece on it, and get it published in The New York Times as easily as a stoned college student calls in for a bucket of chicken wings?

Well, thanks to being born into a showbiz dynasty, this is one of the little perks Delia Ephron gets to enjoy, and she's written an op-ed on Citi Bike that boldly breaks new ground in saying dumb shit:


What is Hell?  Jean-Paul Sartre said it's "other people."  Well, I say it's being in a classroom and always knowing the correct answer, but instead the teacher keeps calling on little Delia because what he really wants in life is to be a screenwriter and he wants to get in with her family.  That's what it feels like when you open what is ostensibly an intelligent newspaper and read something like this about a subject that's important to you:

It’s this bike program. The other day I stepped off a curb and a bike coming the wrong way down a one-way street passed so close I could feel its breeze on my back. It seems as though, every day, I’m almost hit by a bike. 

You're probably thinking to yourself, "If you're almost getting hit by a bike every single day you must be doing something wrong."  As it turns out, she is, and it won't surprise any cyclist to learn that what she's doing wrong is walking around with her head completely up her ass:

As it happens, the bike was going the wrong way and I was crossing against the light.

Okay.  So she stepped into the street when she shouldn't have, a bike went near her, and nothing bad happened.  What's the problem?  Well, apparently bike share is undermining what it means to be a New Yorker:

That’s what New Yorkers do. When we walk, we don’t pay attention to lights. That is practically the definition of a New Yorker: when walking, ignores lights. These bicycles have made walking around the city much scarier. Helmets are recommended gear for bikers. These days pedestrians should be wearing helmets.

No, the definition of a New Yorker is not "when walking, ignores lights."  It's "when walking, knows what's up."  It's not ignoring the lights, it's knowing that you know better than the lights.  There's a difference.

Delia Ephron clearly does not know better than the lights.  Perhaps she did at one time, but it's obvious she has not kept pace with this dynamic urban environment, so what she should probably do is spend some time engaging in "remedial walking"--you know, strictly adhering to lights and traffic signals until she's gotten her bearings again.

It can't be 1986 forever.

But this isn't Delia Ephron's real problem.  It's not just the Citi Bikes, it's that they're blue:

That should be the reason I picked hate, but it isn’t.

He’s turned our city blue.

For $41 million — what Citibank paid to sponsor the program for five years — our city bikes became Citi Bikes. To make certain you don’t forget this fact, a Citi Bike sign hangs in front of the handlebars, Citi Bike is printed twice on the frame, and a Citi Bike billboard drapes the rear wheel on both sides. The font is the familiar Citibank font and the Citibank signature decoration floats over the “t.” There is no way to see a Citi Bike without thinking Citibank. The 6,000 bikes so far rolled out, of a possible 10,000, and their signs are a Day-Glo cobalt blue that you see on banks. Nobody wears this color. Nobody paints his or her apartment this color. This blue is bank blue.

Yeah, nobody in New York wears blue.



("What's the deal with saying nobody wears blue?"--Jerry Seinfeld)

Anyway, let's look at a Zipcar:



To make certain I don't forget I'm "sharing" my city with a Zipcar, they put their ugly green logo on both doors, and their stupid "Wheels when you want them tagline" on the trunk.  On top of that, I have to look at the branding of the motor vehicle itself: the make and model of car on the trunk, the corporate logo on the front grille and on all four wheels.  Then they need a place to store all those cars, and a Citi Bike station with its dozens of bikes is about the size of two (2) Zipcars, which means when a Zipcar driver pulls over in front of Starbucks to run in for a pupkin doucheaccino he's already taking up as much public space as like half an entire Citi Bike rack.  And yes, there may be no way to see a Citi Bike without thinking Citibank, but there's also no way to see a fucking Citibank without thinking Citibank, and the city is full of them.  There's also no way to see a Zipcar without thinking Zipcar, and Mini Cooper or Madza or whatever kind of car it is, and "yuppies heading to Fairway."

Oh, then we have these things called taxi cabs, which are bright yellow, and sever tourists' legs, and have ads for strip clubs on them:


Evidently Delia Ephron would prefer to be almost hit by one of these, since it's more "authentically New York" or something.

I mean, I don't have any love for Citibank, but there aren't very many artisanal Brooklyn businesses with earthtone logos queueing up to sponsor giant initiatives that enhance our public transportation network, so it is what it is.  The divisions that now comprise the New York City subway system were also private enterprises in the beginning, and I think that turned out pretty well for all of us, though I'm sure if they were only introducing the whole subway concept today Delia Ephron would hate them.  "These trains.  They're underground, they're noisy, they're full of ads, the stations are ugly, and you have to have these grates in the sidewalk and I can't walk on them in heels!"

By the way, there's tremendous irony in the fact that a woman who hates corporate branding co-wrote one of the biggest Hollywood corporate branding exercises of the 1990s:


And yes, while ostensibly a New Yorker (by virtue of the fact she ignores lights), Delia Ephron doesn't want you to forget she's all about Hollywood:

Almost all directors and cinematographers know that, in a movie, the color blue pulls focus. If you place a love scene in front of, say, a blue bench, the audience will look at the bench and not the actors. Our city, if you look around, isn’t a blue city, or wasn’t until the bikes arrived. With the exception of Times Square, where loud clashing colors are the point, our city is browns, grays, greens and brick red.

I really hope the next mayor appoints Delia Ephron to be head of the Department of Transportation, because we should really base our infrastructure on which colors look best in romantic comedies.  By the way, Delia Ephron finds bikes annoying, but what I find annoying is when a whole city block gets shut down so they can film some stupid romantic comedy.  But sure, by all means, let's treat the city like a giant soundstage and avoid anything that "pulls focus."

Yes, the color blue has no place in this town, and with Delia Ephron as DOT Commish we'll rid the city of the Scourge of Blue once and for all.  Just imagine, no more buses:


No more law enforcement:


No more Manhattan Bridge:


No New York Knicks:


No New York Mets (obviously):


Actually, especially no Mets because of Citibank:


(I think Ephron just plotzed.)

And, most importantly, let's nuke the clear azure sky because those beautiful days are pulling focus like a motherfucker:


Then the piece just starts getting offensive:

Where there used to be four lanes for cars traveling down Ninth, there are now two. A long triangular concrete island has been installed to guide drivers making left turns even though drivers have been making left turns since they got licenses.

Yeah, they're trying to keep Ninth Avenue from being an expressway so people don't keep dying.  And sure, people have been making left turns since they got licenses, and they've also been killing people in the process.

And here's her prediction for the spring:

Then the snow will melt and freeze, and someone on a blue bike will skid right into you. Finally spring. Your broken leg is almost healed. The surgery to insert pins went well. You have completed four weeks of physical therapy, and at last can limp around outside without crutches. As you spy a cherry tree lush with blossoms, a you-know-what will zip by. Suddenly that beautiful day will get so much uglier.

Or maybe your leg broke because you tried to walk over an icy subway grate in heels.  Anyway, here are some stats, Ephron:

People are dying.  A lot of them.  Three young kids were run down the week before you wrote this.  But yeah, keep making shit up because you don't like blue.

Actually, I don't think this has anything to do with hating bikes or the color blue.  I think what's really going on here is that she's in love with this guy:


("Watchoo talkin' bout, Wildcat?")

Look at it this way.  Suppose some yenta like Delia Ephron goes to see an apartment that's for sale.  She loves it.  It's to die for!  But she can't afford it.

Now let's say that this hugely successful guy with a ton of money comes along and buys the place for himself and his wife or his parter or whatever.  And let's say they renovate it and decorate it to their tastes.  And then let's say the apartment gets a whole spread in "Vanity Fair" or something.

Do you think Delia Ephron's going to look at the pictures and say, "What a beautiful apartment!  I'm so happy for them!"?  Of course not.  She's going to say, "I can't believe they did the walls in that color!"  No matter what they do she's going to hate it, because she's jealous.

And that's what's happening here.  Regardless of what you think of Michael Bloomberg, he's the ultimate catch for any yenta.  Not only is he like the richest Jewish guy in America or something, but he's in charge of New York City.  Forget having a nice apartment--he runs all the apartments!  The guy gentrifies half a borough with a single zoning change.  So don't think for a second that if Delia Ephron was schtupping Bloomie she wouldn't be traipsing all over town, throwing parties and bragging to her friends about the pretty blue bikes they scattered all over the place.  And you can be sure her next project would be a romantic comedy called "Dockblocked," in which some hateful yuppie couple in Brooklyn fall in love at a Citi Bike station.

Instead, we have to settle for this--though now that I think about it we're probably getting the better end of the deal.

132 comments:

Anonymous said...

Texas Scranus

Anonymous said...

PODIUM!

Dale said...

Podium!

Anonymous said...

Huzzah!

Anonymous said...

je suis dans le premier dix

streepo said...

scranus

Anonymous said...

This morning a car turned right on red on in Crescent Ave. in L.I.C., sped past me, braked checked me, then turned right into gas station driveway, eventually rubbing up next to me as I stopped my bike.

The woman behind the wheel began screaming like she was scared that she hit me.

Unfortunately, she was screaming in anger, and informed me that I was in big trouble.

I said:

'I am OK, please watch out and use your turn signal next time.'

She begins to yell(for context, she is extremely overweight, in a Honda CRV, and has a handicap parking permit hanging from her mirror).

'I do NOT have to use a turn signal!!! You are wrong!! Get away from me!! Get away!!! Help!!!'

I am straddling my bike, in khakis, a button down shirt, fred-style race helmet, with work shoes and my lunch in my pannier.

'Listen lady, I am just trying to get to work. Have a great day.'

I start to ride away, and she screams

'You are in big trouble, stop him, you are going to hurt someone!'

At this point I lose my temper and call her a 'crazy ass bitch'. She flips out and hops out of her car, and comes towards me yelling...

'You Bum!!! Get a job you bum!!! Bum!!! Stop him!!! He threatened me!!!'

At which point I ride away. Got to love it.

Charles said...

Top ten!!

Dave said...

Funny - you don't look bluish... etc

59 scrsag - Scanus Sag? Oh no!

McFly said...

I decided to stop shaving my body and now all of the little prickles are poking through my kit.

leroy said...

Real New Yorkers do not walk around oblivious to their surroundings.

People who do that are referred to as "the dearly departed former New York resident, [inser tname here]."

As for New Yorkers' delicate color palette, my dog reminds me that the walls in the master suite of our Brooklyn manse when we obtained it many years ago were Pepto Bismal pink.

You could stand in the middle and picture yourself living in an ulcer.

DB said...

Hey, Anon:
My wife and I just rented an apartment for the Christian holiday in December on Crescent in L.I.C.
Looking forward to getting hit by obese lady in Honda!

Marcel Da Chump said...

Love ya blue!

Delia Ephron said...

BACK HAIR

Comment deleted said...

Ugh. I'm suffering from ignoramus fatigue.

Delia Ephron, you're an idiot.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

top 20... and i didn't even try hard

DB said...

Oh. Side note #1:
I travel to NYC two to three times/year.
We rent through VRBO or Airbnb. If you New Yorkers want to rent out your place for a long weekend sometime, let me know.
Side note #2:
Cleaning out my Dad's house and he has about a thousand 33 and 78 vinyl records, mostly jazz. Is there a market for old vinyl, or should I donate them to the library?
Just askin....

Dave - everywhere said...

I read the Ephron article in yesterday's NYT and thought "WTF is this woman talking about?". It's like her stream of consciousness leaked out her ear and into an email that sent itself to the Times. I think she might be crazy.

Freddy Murcks said...

Glad to see you've got you hate in the right place today, Snob. I just about went apoplectic when I saw that pile of shit that Delia Ephron wrote. Nonetheless, I can easily imagine her writing it, but I can't for the life of me figure out why the NYT published it. Was the regularly scheduled bike-hating op-ed columnist locked up in a padded room down at Bellevue?

Sincerely,
Freddy

261 renolds

JB said...

Zwanzig?

Roille Figners said...

Don't like having a bike-share sponsored by a bank? Kick in some motherfucking money then. Vote and pester your government to fund the shit out of it.

Anonymous said...

top twennie!

lame.

Anonymous said...

Hey DB--

I am sure there are plenty obese people in Honda CRVs that are out to kill you. It is the most popular car in this state.

Anonymous said...

Someone has already altered Delia's wikipedia page;
'It turns out that she really hates the color blue'
Fantastic!!

Anonymous said...

missed it. dang captcha..

extra lame.

Roille Figners said...

PS "Real New Yorkers" pull a knife and jack the shit out of doughy mofos who walk around not alert to their surroundings.

the Jimboner said...

My ass pony would like to kick Delia Ephron in the testicles.

mikeweb said...

Huh.

That lady in the Honda sounds like the same one who was pointing at a red light (that I hadn't gotten to yet) and screaming about asshole cyclists not stopping at lights. This all as she and her no doubt long suffering husband were walking in the middle of Riverside Dr.

leroy said...

There are two possible explanation's for Delia's dyspeptic disquisition.

It's tongue in cheek.

Or she had luch with Dotty Rabinowitz and bought that whole "begriming the best neighborhoods" mishegos.

Freddy Murcks said...

Anon @12:56 - Thank you for pointing that out. That wiki edit really made my day. I wonder how long it will last.

162a assofw

Anonymous said...

BETT REND

grog said...

Yes. I'll have a pupkin doucheaccino please. In blue.

leroy said...

Fat ladies in CRVs rubbing cyclists, overprivileged yentas kvetching about the city's color palette, pedestrians on Riverside Drive figuring that every one on a bike is the same person....

Golly, no wonder Mr. Byrne, who doesn't own a car, hates people when they're not polite.

Who wouldn't?

But it sells newspapers.

crosspalms said...

Whining about bicycles has apparently replaced fox hunting as a rich people's pastime.

JB said...

Haven't seen recumbabe in a bit. :(

Kenny Banya said...

"...because those beautiful days are pulling focus like a motherfucker"

Gold Snobby, GOLD!

babble on said...

need recumboobies...

meh

monday monday.... feeling blue

only thing that could help now is a ride on my favourite bike

if only I weren't still seeing two.

3G said...

Great post Snobby!

McFly said...

There's no way to look at titties without thinking titties. I know. I tried it. Every. Damn. Time.

My doppleganger top 10'd for me. Thank you.

commentBot3000 said...

DB,

Don't donate to a library. They don't want them.

The challenge with a large number of them is a dealer will pretend he didn't see that ultra-rare 78 in the stack and act like you don't have much.

IMHO, take a long time to go through the records 3-5 at a time and sort into a couple of boxes by value.

Some of that material probably never made the digital conversion.
It would be a major contribution if you could find a local enthusiast to convert the more rare recordings to digital and post-em-up as a torrent. There are vinyl/jazz geeks that will get the big-O if you have rarer material.

Some of the vinyl jackets may be of interest to other geeks. They've changed graphics for a large number of long-selling recordings.

Lots of ways to make this pay.

DB said...

Didn't finish NYT yesterday, brought it to work with me today. Just read Delia's article. What a maroon.

balls™ said...

I always thought of wandering into traffic without looking to be more of an Austin, TX thing to do.

I miss Austin.

Anonymous said...

I never thought about Citibank sponsoring the bikes until she pointed it out. Whatever.

Etherhuffer said...

Wow,I guess I could rant about the nebbish author of that idiotic screed, but really, this is about press failure. The press has been functionally dead since Gore lost to SCOTUS/FL Governor and since the Bush wars. Editors no longer think, much less edit. The worst part is that this is a flagship newspaper. About as useful as a Spanish flagship in Manila Bay these days.

DB said...

Thanks, commentBot!
I never thought of that. I'm sure he's got some rare music in there.
If you don't mind, I may ask you more questions later as this project gets underway.
Thanks, again.

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately the Times's opinion page has become available for rent but only to celebrities. She should have stuck to cook books.

Anonymous said...

Sexist, much?

Also, I love how the guy going the wrong way down a one-way street just disappears. Because she was ignoring a light, it's all good.

I like bikes. Bicycle fanatics, not so much.

Roille Figners said...

Jesus Babs!! Be careful out there ya crazy!

design philistine said...

Nora notes; "Almost all directors and cinematographers know that, in a movie, the color blue pulls focus. If you place a love scene in front of, say, a blue bench, the audience will look at the bench and not the actors" That said, it shouldn't be to hard to see one of those deadly bikes coming your way...just sayin'

rural 14 said...

Rural 1st!

@Crosspalms - bike / fox comment my nomination for best comment of 2013.

This AM on my rural commute -

I'm pedaling downhill at almost 30 mph on a 2 lane steep downhill, at the bottom is a dirt road intersection...double yellow line on the hill, - an imbecile in a pickup crosses the double yellow line to PASS me (I'm taking the lane...FYI - 25 mph speed limit), passes me at 50mph probably, pulls back into 'our' lane just as another pickup comes UP the hill, and then another pickup pulls out from the dirt road intersection, AND STOPS! Pickup that passed me goes around it - to the front, just barely; I lay my bike down. at almost full speed, skidding around the rear of the stopped truck; my neighbor in HIS pickup was coming up behind me, saw the whole thing, pulls the intersection stopped guy out of his truck and comes close to pulverizing him / he thought I had just been run over as he only saw me go around the pickup to the back essentially lying down at a 15 degree angle from the ground / in a cloud of dust and screams (mine).

I have no animus towards people in pickups, despite their bumper stickers of left or right.

What would Delia Ephron have done?

babble on said...

Crazy is as crazy does. The New York Times should be calling any moment... and yes! Of course! I will happily write a bat-shit-stoopid opinion piece for them.

I'll fit right in.

Anonymous said...

Delia ephron's article is the most inane thing I've read in a very long time. It is pointless and meanders all over the place. If her point was to show that she is a complete idiot, then I'm mistaken as she did a wonderful job at that.

Roille Figners said...

Rural 14: Nora Ephron would have smashed into the truck and gotten run over and lay there helpless and in excruciating pain from 32 broken bones and then while the pickup truck guys were going for help she would be pierced by a thousand glass needles shot by space aliens, and then she'd be attacked by rats with razor-sharp teeth while she lay there helpless as they slowly feasted on her eyeballs and ate their way into her brain cavity and as the darkness, the dullness slowly came over her she would think, oh my god that op-ed was so ill-advised!

Comment deleted said...

Roille, Nora already daid. This is her dumber sister.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

DUMB SHIT

indeed.

Glad you're ok r14.

Nice podio Dale.

Roille Figners said...

I know, just following someone else's lead of referring to her as Nora (you know, THE MORE SUCCESSFUL SISTER). I'm hoping that even if she doesn't read this, it will still, cosmically, somehow, piss her off.

Roille Figners said...

Delia that is. a.k.a. Nora

Anonymous said...

"Nobody wears blue"? Nobody wears taxicab yellow, but she's happy to use a cab. (And ok, the Mets wear blue, but does anybody actually watch the Mets?)

Yeah, people on bikes are going to be aggressive, dealing with city drivers; if you don't like aggressive, what are you doing in New York?

And that lady in the Honda who doesn't think she needs to use turn signals? She's lucky the biker didn't have a Kryptonite lock with him; city bikers use them as much for self-defense against cars as for vainly hoping they'll slow down getting their bikes stolen.

Anonymous said...

I would like to begrime Delia face in a pearl color scheme. Sorry I had to go there, but hey it's not blue.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...from interview with madam delia ephron:

-Do you get enough exercise?
-No, because I really hate the treadmill and I’m always supposed to be doing it.

JB said...

Anon @ 1:58 pm: There is the small difference that the bike salmon didn't pen a NYT op-ed about how oblivious pedestrians are ruining his ability to ride around like a nut job.

Snob rips on salmon often.

Salty and Sore said...

I'm back!

And to a particularly delicious posting. Chapeau, Snobbie!

And thank you, Miss Delia. I love MadLibs!

"As you spy a cherry tree lush with blossoms, a ________ ________ will zip by. Suddenly that beautiful day will get so much uglier."

yellow jacket?
hungry rat?
Miley Cyrus?
F-16?
spy drone?

..sigh. Gotta love Autumn in New York.

leroy said...

Yeesh, Rural 14,

Get well soon!

I still have road rash from early July and that's just from falling off my CRV while putting my bike in the roof rack before dawn in the rain.

Anonymous said...

A little incoherent today...time to lay off the wednesday weed.

mikeweb said...

r14,

Glad to hear you made it out of that melee in OK condition.

Maybe all those drivers were just trying to re-enact this past weekend's Nascar action.

babble on said...

Rural 14 - sorry bout yer spill, lad. Want to come and recover in Vancouver? We could hang out and paint the town blue....

Tim A said...

Don't salmon if you're a bike (or ped, or vehicle). Look before you cross the road. If you can convince the NYT to publish your Op-Ed, you can probably write something that isn't totally inane if you try harder.

Salty and Sore said...

@r14-

Hate that!

I'm a big fan of that moleskin/Newskin stuff. And if it makes you feel better, I seem to recall it comes in a blue package.

Dooth said...

"He’s turned our city blue." Nope. Wrong again, Delia...George Gershwin did it first with RHAPSODY IN BLUE. How can YOU not know that, Delia?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

@Leroy, CRVs are kind of tall. You should really use a receiver mount rear rack. Much easier to load/unload. That's what I use on my CRV that I own.

Anonymous said...

Her beloved 9th Ave is safer for her as a pedestrian now that hit has a bike lane:
http://transalt.org/issues/bike/bikefaq#safe

Anonymous said...

I couldn't make it past the third paragraph of the Deia Ephron op-ed. You deserve hazard pay.

commentBot3000 said...

DB,

No problem. If I don't reply sometime during the day, just repost the next day.

Try to sort the materials doing a few at a time. No need to rush.

You may want to get a bulk package of inner-sleeves for changing as needed while you check records.

Watch the seams/edges as you take vinyl out/in. Some of that old paperboard doesn't stayed glued so well.

Here's a URL to get you started: The names there are a-list. B-list and lower can be even more valuable, or not. http://jazzcollector.com/price-guides/

There is definitely a jazz-geek population for the vinyl.

You can get a large format scanner dirt cheap to digitize the covers now. I promise you, the covers are valuable to other geeks.

If you get to the sell-stage, don't sell to European buyers. You'll be kicking yourself when a reproduction of the record is for sale in about 90 days. I know I did.

David G said...

Non-locals may not know that there is no right-turn-on-red in NYC, so Honda CRV lady broke the law just to get warmed up.

Tim A@3:15: Salmoning is actually recommended for pedestrians, such as runners, if they have to be in the street.

Also, re Delia: She felt the horrid breeze *on her back*. So the bike salmon passed behind her, after she safely passed in front of him. The two of them should move in together somewhere far, far from me.

Anonymous said...

I was curious about this intersection she's so upset about so I checked out google maps. She doesn't have to worry about cars turning into bike lane traffic though, because naturally there's a Mercedes parked in it (in front of a hydrant, no less):

Screenshot: http://imgur.com/yFMSmdb

BamaPhred said...

She was just struggling with her geriatric incontinence medication, got frustrated, put her diaper on her head, and forgot to use the word begrimed. So she took it out, via a screed to the NYT, on the first thing she saw, a salmon.

.Robert Sullivan said...

Huzzah (is right)!

Anonymous said...

WCRM, why don't you pen an open letter to delia or see if the NYT will publish your hilarious rebuttal?

Anonymous said...

He's turning the city blue... LIKE MY BALLS

Roille Figners said...

Oh man I love the rebuttal letter idea!

mikeweb said...

"Re-butt-al! Re-butt-al!..."

DB said...

Bring on the rebuttal!

Snob: my cycling cap is on its way. Expect check from Walz.

DB said...

Crosspalms:
1-2 inches of snow forecasted for tomorrow. Happy Halloween.

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

"
Anonymous said...

I couldn't make it past the third paragraph of the Deia Ephron op-ed. You deserve hazard pay".

I think that was as far as I got, thinking, how hard up is the NYT for good writing if they have to run this baloney, and also, wow, Snob could have a field day with this. Glad to see you did.

Mel Brooks said...

GOAT VKID

Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.

Left Wing Pickup Trucks, WTF? said...

Rural 14 @209: "I have no animus towards people in pickups, despite their bumper stickers of left or right." There's a pickup with a left wing bumper sticker? Maybe in Canada, but south of the NSA border????

crosspalms said...

rural14
That sounds pretty terrifying. Glad you're OK. Maybe it's time to update the commuter's motto to "if it's raining assholes take the bus." Probably not an option for you, though. And forecasters still can't tell us when it's going to rain assholes, we just find out when it DOES rain assholes. Hello Delia. Hope you don't own a pickup.

Babble in Stereoscope Living said...

Dear Ms. Babble, Are you hearing double too? Imagine you're on a ride and you pull up to a corner and bat-shit crazy Dorothy R is standing there and she starts screaming at you her bat-shit crazy BS. Then at next corner bat-shirt crazy Delia is standing there and you she starts screaming her bat-shit crazy BS. Then at the next corner Anthony Wiener is standing there and you have to see him covering his cock with a Snob Hat. Then at the next corner you look at your cell-phone and you see Anthony Weiner's cock 2X (having seen your legs at the previous corner you didn't think Carlos was going to let you go without a phone number did you?) . And you have to experience all of this TWICE. As the announcer said when the Hindenburg exploded "Oh the Humanity".

Anonymous said...

Delia, oh Delia, Delia all my life.
If I hadna shot poor Delia I'da had her for my wife.

Anonymous said...

Beds are Burning


Diamond has since published Collapse (Penguin, 2005: 574 pp) which includes a chapter, ‘Mining’ Australia (38 pp) deserving the most serious consideration by any Australian government, regardless of its party political social theories.

In his tour de force, he reviews the reasons for the disintegration of cultures with legacies of abandoned ruins in Norse Greenland, Anasazi Chaco Canyon, Rapa Nui (Easter Island) and other Pacific Islands, in Mayan Yucatan, and elsewhere. These reasons – mainly overpopulation and irrational actions driving local environmental degradation – have also played their part in modern tragedies including the Rwandan genocide and the impoverishment of nations such as Haiti, while neighbour states (eg. Dominican Republic) prosper. The prospects for nations including China, the United States, and others subject to environmentally disastrous values, with failure to recognize or anticipate the consequences of irrational political policies and unsuccessful remedies, are comprehensively brought into focus.
He sees Australia, not as a nation facing imminent collapse, but as the first world’s miners’ canary: a developed country facing a rapid decline in living standards as its burgeoning population outstrips its rapidly degrading natural resource base. After consulting widely with government authorities, academics (including Tim Flannery) and grassroots farmers, graziers, and Landcare-type groups, Jared Diamond compares us with other nations, past and present. He details our problems of soil fertility and salinization, land degradation, diminishing freshwater resources, distance costs, over-exploitation of forests and fisheries, importation of inappropriate European agricultural values and methods and alien species, trade and immigration policies. He concludes that the mining of our natural resources – their unsustainable exploitation at rates faster than their renewal rates since European settlement began – gives us the dubious distinction of ‘…illustrating in extreme form the exponentially accelerating “horse race” in which the world now finds itself……on the one hand, the development of environmental problems……on the other hand, the development of public environmental concern, and of private and governmental countermeasures. Which horse will win? Many readers……will live long enough to see the outcome.’

babble on said...

Dear Stereoscope living:

Please stop- You're giving me nightmares!

Anonymous said...

So Delia Ephron hates blue?

Now this is odd

rural 14 said...

@ Left Wing Pickup trucks 5:01 -

Yes, south of the NSA border, many pickups have lefty bumper stickers. Try Burlington -> Brattleboro VT / Northampton MA, Portsmouth NH, etc. Lots of bros in trucks with good intentions. But the only good sanctimony is my sanctimony of course. Don't the right wingers likewise tell you their suggestions are only for your own good? But while I'm at it, Fuck the Koch Bros! Here in the People's Republic of VT we're appalled.

And thanks for your well wishes, well wishers. Yes, it was a scary moment....I'm still shaky even.

And no need for newskin/moleskin...I was wearing a heavy wool jacket - boiled wool from the Ibex Tent, and while it shredded some, I'm fine. There's one benefit to 30 degree weather!

And it's always raining assholes...hey dude, get offa the phone! etc. Not even an "I'm sorry", as my neighbor stuffed the guy back into his F150.

Anonymous said...

Creativity

HAND ICAP

Dooth said...

Dottie and Delia, aka the Bat-shit Crazies, are showing the side effects of Botox.

Roille Figners said...

Sisterhood of the Batshit Pants

Anonymous said...

Delia, I am Blue for You.

Friendly Pickups said...

Rural 14: Come to think of it I was driving in Vermont once and saw a Ben & Jerry's sticker on a pickup. Over here, across the border in rural NYS, not so much. Usually they say "I'm in the NRA and I vote" or "Romney & Ryan 2012" (whoever the hell they were) P.S. Glad to hear you're OK.

Roille Figners said...

Thank goodness people have pickups to express their views. Can't vote for either one of those gangs... the Republicans are like Dorothy Rabinowitz, the Democrats are like Delia Eff-ron.

Anonymous said...

Delia Ephron: future Children's Book author.

Mammal Hammer said...

If my balls are blue will women look at them instead of my meat shank? Spitti Bank.

Anonymous said...

ROLL COAL

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G545NsubJgU

ce said...

Couldn't the movie makers use the citibike frames as blue screens and CGI in something quintessential of NYC? Or, is the issue that Hollywood uses green screens now?

Anon 5:17 (aka Chamois Juice?), what the fuck has that got to do with anything? When this question is coming from me you can be assured you are a long way off topic.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Do you ever see those lead wheel weight thingies laying around on the street when you ride your biek? I do.

Anonymous said...

ce:

I like the idea of CGI deleting the citibikes, but replaced with nothing....

Invisible Bikes

Another example that internets is a much better media for comedy than dead trees.

Why is this funny? Schadenfreude. Same reason Australia on fire is funny.

ce said...

Australia is always on fire. Nothing to see here. Move along.

JD said...

Gold plated column today. Loved it all the way from Sydney.

Salvatore Denise said...

i knew you were going to jump all over that shit the moment i saw it on sunday, well done snobby...thanks.

Angie Kritenbrink said...

But how many peds have killed bikes? That's what I need to know!

cranky said...

What is 'pupkin'? I'm losing my edge!

ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ce said...

Angie, you do not "need to know". The corporagovilitarindustrosecuraglomoplex and their media propaganda outlets do not want you to know. Watch your back with your healment mirror next time your are out riding, keeping a particular lookout for jackboot clad peds.

Anonymous said...

How to make old crappy 10 speed into cool 3 speed townie.

Find Fuji, Motobecane, Nishiki, Peugeot or similar 10 speed.
Lugged frame, cool paintjob, alloy cranks with replaceable chainrings.
remove:
bars, suicide levers, stem shifters, brakes, gears, dry rot tires and steel 27" wheels.
Keep:
frame, fork, cranks, small chainring, seat post, stem, kickstand.

$25 alloy north road bars

$20 regal knockoff saddle

Shimano Nexus SG-3C41 3-Speed Coaster Brake - 36H, Silver, w/Revo Twist Shifter
+36 dt spokes+ 700c sun rim
Whatever 700c front wheel. Lots of orphaned exotic fronts to pick from.
700X32c Rubenas that are alot like Conti top tourings for $20 each.

Black ourys and bmx PC pedals.

About $250 in new parts. co-op sells them for $400.

Anonymous said...

Police auctions turn up some interesting bikes. 58c Marinoni, 58c columbus, ultegra, currently $104

Anonymous said...

http://victoria.en.craigslist.ca/bik/4096608490.html

Anonymous said...

BSNYC, You made today's post so New York Queen of OH couldn't relate. Enjoyed reading your the critique. Yours Truly Anon @ 10:43

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Anonymous said...

Ephron wrote "On the concrete island are 15 filthy distracting newspaper dispensers in red, blue, white and orange." She seems to have a dislike of not just the Mets and the Knicks and the MTA and the NYPD but Old Glory too.

Anonymous said...

When we walk, we don’t pay attention to lights.,, because? That's what we do?! Delia, pedestrians have died ignoring lights.

Vegas said...

Jonny 2Bags doesn't have The Blues
And it makes him sad, brings him down
But not down enough to have The Blues

Anonymous said...

Another despicable boomer terrified of cohort replacement. Regardless of where she was born, clearly she has not spent much of her life in NYC and she has clearly earned the badge of Honorary B&T Dipshit. Hear that, missey? You are Bridge & Tunnel swine and I invite you to leave and not let the doorknob hit you in the ass. Or maybe we can just count on a delivery guy taking her ass out for us. :-D

McFly said...

Nice crucible RCT. Now if we could just find something to convert all those black rubber tarp straps with only a hook on one end into we would be in business.

Obviously big black dildo's would be my first choice but I'm not married to the idea.

RoadQueen said...

I think that when Delia Ephron finally gets creamed at an intsection while doing her New Yorker thing (ie: not paying attention to lights OR where the hell she's going), we nominate her for a Darwin Award.

She could be a contenda...

Hey Dale, nice Bronze snag!

Anonymous said...

Well, "Bike Snob", until you decided that the best way to kick Ms. Ephron was to attack her ethnicity, I was enjoying your piece. Perhaps, as much as Ms. Ephron has a problem with bikes and the color blue, you have a problem with Jews? Sure seems like it. New York City will be a better place when the nasty attitudes from all sides take a hike.

Been drivin all night... said...

So, when Delia steps off the curb, not at an intersection and not paying attention, and gets run over by an SUV, and the police say "no crime was involved", their going to be absolutely right.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 8:44am,

Wow, you're pretty out of it.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

paulb said...

I don't even think of her as a NYer. She's a Hollywood transplant who became a Manhattanite. I know many think it's the same thing, but it is not. (I did have a soft spot for Nora, though. Sue me.)

Calls'm as he sees'm said...

New York Times an intelligent newspaper?
The Voice of the Machine...

specq said...

please tell me you at least considered WTEphron as a title for this post.

Splatz said...

pupkin doucheaccino

Rupert Pupkin?

I haven't seen a Rupert Pupkin reference for years! Thank you!

Anonymous said...

Sexism and antisemitism! Good job, douchebag!