Monday, September 30, 2013

"Monday Monday, Da-Da-Da-Daaahh..."

Last week, I said this:

Or maybe an ostrich with its head up someone's ass would be the perfect marriage of the two, but I don't have the time or the graphic imaging skills, or the means and animal husbanding abilities to set up the actual shot.

Which prompted "BKJimmy" to make this:


(Yes, those are The Panties.)

As far as I'm concerned that's all I should really need to post today (or arguably this whole week), but for some reason I'm going to continue anyway.

So, to continue anyway:

Further to last Friday's post, I was surprised to learn that after somebody gets killed by a car it's technically possible for the police to actually figure out what happened:



Unfortunately, it costs $13,000 a pop, which is way more than a human life is worth here in Canada's hemorhhoid:

Marco Gehlen, a Hague police traffic investigator, said real-life accident reenactments are required for every bike fatality or serious injury. In the case of high-speed crashes, the effort is outsourced to a company in Germany, which videotapes the test crashes with slow-motion cameras. The service costs the Hague police more than $13,000 for each case.

Yeah, there's no way a human is worth almost as much as a Toyota Yaris.  Here's the current exchange rate we're enjoying:


(One Human Life = 1.5 iPhones)

Admittedly, until recently a human life was worth a couple more iPhones, but, you know, then the new one came out.  And it's gold.

Also, in certain parts of America where they believe strongly in "Jesus," people do refuse to measure human life in iPhones, but only just as long as the human is unborn.  Postnatally, the value of the human drops precipitously, sort of like the moment you drive that new Hyundai off the lot.

By the way, it's worth noting that iPhones have only existed for about six years and are already equipped with all sorts of technology to aid law enforcement.  Meanwhile, cars have been around for well over a hundred years and they still don't have shit to record the actions of all the assholes who use them to kill.

Then again, this is America.  We don't go in for socialist nonsense like spending taxpayer money to find out why our taxpayers are dying.  It's way cheaper to simply tell cyclists they should wear a helment and then to fine them for stuff like failing to put both feet on the ground and reciting the alphabet backwards and forwards before rolling again at that stop sign.  In fact, it's even profitable thanks to the fines--which are ridiculously high because we fine the cyclists just as much as the drivers, even though a typical city bike weighs about the same as a driver's Slurpee.

I mean seriously, listen to these idiots:

The criminal prosecution in the case also came quickly, and under rules of evidence very different from those common to American courts. The truck driver was charged within days and a year later received the maximum sentence of 240 hours of community service and a provisional sentence of two months in prison. His driver’s license was revoked for 18 months.

It wasn’t a particularly harsh sentence, and community members said it didn’t need to be. But, they say, it was important for a person to be held responsible under the law. And under Dutch law there was no doubt who that person would be.

Charged and sentenced, just for killing a kid on a bike?  No wonder they lost their empire:


In your face, you stupid Dutchbags!

(Well, I suppose the people who renamed it "New York" lost their empire too, but at least they've still got Canada.)

And here's some more Hollandaise crazy talk:

“It’s a deadly weapon, the car. So it’s good to protect those who are most vulnerable,” he said.

It’s an attitude reflected by police officers like Constable Tommy Hamelink, head of the Hague police bicycle unit, who admitted he is half-hearted about ticketing bike riders for gliding through red lights or drunk cycling.

Instead, he said, police focus on the issues they believe most help people avoid accidents: Putting lights on bicycles and encouraging cyclists not to ride in the blind spot of large trucks or buses.

You're not going to get a job on the NYPD with that attitude, pal.  That kind of enforcement may work in Europe's Nether regions, but here in America where 6.3 pedestrians are killed by bicyclists every year we need to crack down hard.

Still, you'd think maybe American police forces might be tempted by the opportunity to conduct awesome crash reenactments with dummies:


Sure, a helment may not have saved that cyclist's life, but at least it would have neatly contained his head after it was severed by the windshield.  Speaking of the windshield, I was amused to note that the wipers start going as soon as the body hits.  Must be one of those moisture-sensing models.

What will those Euros think of next?

Closer to home, not too long ago riders were being jumped for their bikes here on the Hudson River Greenway, and here's yet another chilling reminder to be very careful there no matter what you're doing:


Here's how the NYPD described the incident, which occurred just after 9 a.m., as an attempted rape: The NYPD received 911 calls about a woman who was attacked on the bike path near the Henry Hudson Parkway in the park. When police arrived, they found the victim, who said she had been pushing her stroller when a man called out to her from behind. The man approached her with a broken bottle and then struggled with her.

They fell to the ground—the stroller was knocked down, too—and the woman defended herself with a bicycle pump by beating him on the right side of his head causing a laceration. The suspect fled.

It's also yet another reason why CO2 inflators suck.

By the way, via the same source and in the same (general) area, here's just another day on the Henry Hudson Parkway.

If there's anything more American than a blood feud between an outlaw motorcycle gang and a person driving a Range Rover then I'd like to see it.

Actually, I don't think I would.

Anyway, sometimes I look at the state of New York City cycling and just think to myself, "Why bother?"  Consider this, for example:



I don't know what's more depressing: paying for someone to give you a tour of overdeveloped gentrification hell, or the fact that people are afraid to approach bicycles without first donning Grey Helments of Shame:


Interestingly, this tour promises to deliver an "authentic North Brooklyn bike experience," and it's worth noting that until relatively recently that would have involved having to fight off an attacker on the Williamsburg Bridge with your bicycle pump.

But you can rest assured that your friends and family back home don't need to worry about you now (vehicular assault aside, of course):


"Hi, Mom?  Yeah, I'm totally in Williamsburg.  No, actually it just looks like Cleveland with more assholes."

And you'll even get to see the "impressive street art in Bushwick:"


"So yeah, you see this?  Someone with an MFA invented a name for himself and spraypainted it on a warehouse in pretty colors."

Yeah, okay.  You wanna see some art, you rubes?  Here you go:


"Sistine Chapel" my sranus.

Best of all though is that you'll get to ride en masse on the sidewalk!


After which you'll enjoy the quintessentially New York experience of being on the receiving end of a criminal summons.

Maybe while you're in jail you'll get to meet the next Banksy.

You know what else isn't worth saving?  Pro cycling:


Yes, the sport that has been all about cheating ever since the invention of the safety bicycle is now suddenly and completely throbbing with integrity:

The Englishman promised to herald in a new era underscored by transparency, cooperation, and the pledge of rebuilding the sullied image of a sport racked by decades of doping scandals.

Hilarious!

And do they seriously use a lucite box for the balloting?


Doesn't seem very laterally stiff or vertically compliant.  Seems like crabon would be more appropriate.

Anyway, if Cookson guy is really worth anything he'll clean up the sport by eliminating every single discipline besides artistic cycling.  I mean, I'm sure there's a way to dope for artistic cycling, and I'm sure at least some of them do, but does anybody really care?  After all, it is "artistic," and drugs are the glue that holds the lucite box that is the art world together.  Does anybody get mad that William S. Burroughs was a junkie?  So yeah, sorry, but if you want to keep riding your bike for money you're going to have to get with the program and learn how to do this:


Because those wheelies ain't gonna cut it anymore, fancypants:


63 comments:

Hegnawed Hertitsov said...

Strong like bull!

the Jimboner said...

Slap it!

Anonymous said...

Yeah Cleveland !!!!!

mikeweb said...

Props to BKJimmy.

Anonymous said...

Lucite Box

Anonymous said...

top ten!

Anonymous said...

Garbage barge!

Anonymous said...

I am offended by the panty pic. no need to digi enhance it.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

wheeling it in!

Flyover bike commuter said...

Damn I could have made the podium if I hadn't read the blog first.

Anyway, my favorite term in
today's blog is "bushwick".

Freddy Murcks said...

Ballin' full on in my cycling panties.

fficeyo some

DB said...

Nice rant, The Snob!
And, BKJimmy! Excellent work.
I'd like to see what you can do with a dirndl.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Artistic panties.

CommenterBot9000 said...

In the crash video, I see the bike fly up in the air, but does it come down?

Jimboner said...

Does that Brooklyn tour include being scowled at and shat upon by Martin Scranus?

piskian said...

Yo.Calcutta is banning cycling.check it out on bbc site.

DerZoots said...

Wow! Top tweenty AND I waching al the likned videos.

Nice Moday to you all.
Seems I'm typoing up a strom today Fuuuuuuck.

Yeah weed no nothing to do forget the spellings.

Back to my Ebay campainge. It paid last months reant.


Robot catch phrase: tsWgin 33

Synonymous said...

Nice pants.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

hi-fuckin'-larious today... thanks for the chuckles.

Comment deleted said...

I hate to be a complainer after such a fine post, but Snob, do you think you could switch off auto-play on the Jon Stewart embed? It's going to keep firing off until that post rolls off the blog.

It's seriously interfering with my stealth-reading during work.

Tom said...

Those acrobatic cycling men are not wearing their helments!

Anonymous said...

Follow-up on the news: The cabbie who maimed the British tourist in Midtown in August, because the cyclist near him made him do it, and who said driving was too stressful for him, has gotten his taxi license back.

babble on said...

Do you suppose it was Jimmy's epic ass art that had snobbers singing firts thing on a Monday morning, or should we should be thanking mrs snobbers?

balls™ said...

Panties!

streepo said...

Remember the panties!!

sranus????


15 ionvew

erikbeng said...

AYHSMB! I'm an Artist!

BamaPhred said...

I got nothing. BKJimmy, hilarious. Range Rover vs crotch rockets. A match made in hell. Pro Cyclingzzzzzzzzzz. But did anyone catch the U23 winner and his top tube straddling aero tuck? My aching scranus.

Anonymous said...

Panty stains

grog said...

No panty, no cry.

Anonymous said...

that East German rider stone-cold nailed it in the artistic cycling video. Impressive.

Anonymous said...

excellently put and sadly true.


"Also, in certain parts of America where they believe strongly in "Jesus," people do refuse to measure human life in iPhones, but only just as long as the human is unborn. Postnatally, the value of the human drops precipitously, sort of like the moment you drive that new Hyundai off the lot."

babble on said...

Anon@ 1:53 - Yeah, and it's also surprising how little they care for the health and well-being of the person carrying that life. Health care? No fucking way.

Fragile economic recovery? Kiss it good-bye along with your sorry little health care reforms.

I'm sorry, but your politicians down there are bullies. No wonder so much of the world hates America. Don't worry, though. Up here in Canada we like you guys sooooo much we're doing everything we can to be Just. Like. You.


Hooooo fucking ray.

bikesgonewild said...

..."i just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in...ya, ya, ohhh yaaa..." - & to say "hi" n' stuff...

...obviously there's something to be said about having your head up your ass - one needn't worry about ostrich abuse although either condition is hard on the miley cyrus-es...

...just sayin'...w/ love, out...

bk jimmy said...

DB -

I can cut a rug in a dirndl, but that's not really my scene anymore. (That's probably more amusing if you already know that I am of the male genitalway.)

CommieCanuck said...

Deaths..iphones... the solution, according to the CDC , is an APP on how to use a ladder.

"According to the 2009 data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics, 605 workers were killed and an estimated 212,760 workers were seriously injured by falls to the same or lower level."

This is about equal to the number of cycling deaths. I demand ladder helmet laws. Ladder specific healments, of course.

"Fall injuries constitute a considerable financial burden: workers’ compensation and medical costs associated with occupational fall incidents have been estimated at approximately $70 billion annually in the United Sates."

And that was just from Lady Gaga falling on stage.

These captcha riddles are getting harder and harder..the end is neigh.

CommieCanuck said...

Yes, a US government website spelled it "United Sates".

" ...the injured cyclist was not wearing a helment, or using the CDC bike riding app. "

RoadQueen said...

Fuck.

*sigh*

leroy said...

Well now this is odd.

My dog urged me to do next year's Hillier Than Thou ride and asked me for my autograph.

But then I read Mikeweb's comment about this year's ride.

Then I recalled how Mikeweb once dropped me like a piano on Mount Frederst.

Then I looked at what my dog asked me to autograph and realized it was a health care proxy.

He swears it's just a precaution because they don't make cities for commuting like Nieuw-Amsterdam anymore.

But I don't know. I'm so confused.

McFly said...

Face it. You will never be as cool as naked Mario Cipollini riding an ostrich and manually shoving its head up some beautiful panty ensconced ass.

ENSC ONCD

McFly said...

RQ is that noun or verb form?

babble on said...

Leroy, honey? Do it do it do the ride but don't sign anything till you see a lawyer. And not yer dog's lawyer, either, remember?

Anonymous said...

"It's also yet another reason why CO2 inflators suck."

But say you were to jab your co2 inflator into someones neck and then discharge it?

That would be fun, it might look like the decompression scene from total recall.

Anonymous said...

Back to the travel bike thing from last week's happier, carefree, post-vacation serenity posts - when you remove your rear D do you take apart your chain or just let the rear D dangle like a dingle?

Anonymous said...

Back to the travel bike thing from last week's happier, carefree, post-vacation serenity posts - when you remove your rear D do you take apart your chain or just let the rear D dangle like a dingle?

(fukbot made me try three times to sign in)

Anonymous Hot Bike Cycling Babe said...

Greasy ostrich head jobs to today's super fantastic podium!
Obviously the other gals on this site don't care for Hegs, Boners or Cleveland.

Freddy Murcks said...

re: artistic cycling. They could have skipped the competition and watched Quicksilver instead. Those tricks are soooo 1986.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7wSkKLNEIc

rtydef 79

edible_fungus_eater said...

The Williamsburg tour operator seems pretty smart. They can whine to local government types they are harming tourism dollars by ticketing their customers.

Seems like the way for norml cycling bicyclists to play it is to ride around on a bike using a helment like the tour operator and then just say to the cop you lost your tour guide.

Anonymous said...

The artistic cyling vid put me to sleep, until the rooster fights at the end. But MAN O MAN - those guys must really have tough scranuses. They sat on so many hard pointy things!

crosspalms said...

As a commuter, would I get more respect from drivers if I rode artistically?

jayteepee said...

Snobster, I know that you've made light of people who ride with GoPros and the like. I can't say that I've ever shot any video while reaching Fred woo-hoo speeds, but I do really wish I'd had one when some dickface sideswiped me and left me on the side of the road with a destroyed bike and some future road rash scars to tell the grandkids about.

Having a video of the actual contact, and maybe a clear shot of the car's license plate as he sped away would have brought about some semblance of justice.

I do think that we're slightly better at dealing with these kinds of incidents in our little Stumpytown than the NYPD. But only slightly.

Anonymous said...

+1 on the artistic cycling. That should really happen

McFly said...

Who is in charge of washing that ostrich? Somebody needs to get on that. STAT.

DRTY BIRD

Dooth said...

Shoot...I've been an artistic cyclist way before it becoming au courant. My milieu was abstract expressionist artistic cycling, a discipline in which a bike is not required--an imaginary one suffices; mine is called the Bob Jackson Pollock.

Stuart said...

Deutschland, Deutschland über alles, über alles in der Welt!!! Switzerland rocks too!

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha! poor ostrich! :P :))

Oka Bali said...

I like this, thank you for sharing

Steve said...

Wonderful blog checkout my latest post at
http://togetherfornature.blogspot.com/2013/09/ecosystem.html
don't be shy to leave a comment and like us on facebook

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Hey Steve, That is a wonderful blog. I like your post about carrots. They are very beneficial. I like to eat them raw as part of my lunch when I'm brown bagging it to work.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

That ostrich is going to give somebody the stink eye.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Well I see the moto-gang vs SUV vid is making the rounds on the cable news channels.

Of course every one of them are vilifying the motor-cyclists. Certainly that whole event (the moto ride) stinks of a critical mass type odor but that still doesn't make right the idea of gunning your 5000 lb vehicle and running down other human road users.

The whole thing is pathetic and yet another example of why I like living in a little cornfield backwater town where there is still is a bit of respect shown among strangers sharing the streets.

Angry Dan said...

Can't believe you misspelled "scranus". Buy a freakin' dictionary already.

shitbike said...

Amazing post! You make a lot of really good points on cycling safety and today's bike culture. I think if not for any other reason, I want a video of all my collisions with automobiles just to make the state pay for it. We all pay taxes and what do we get? Green paint that let's taxis know they are more likely to hit a bike in the lane they're moving too. Bullshit.
As for pro cycling, I think everyone should get a shitbike and just fucking ride. Those pros get paid to show us how good they are at cheating. It would be much easier if everyone was just out there kickin in and havig a blast.

Keep up the awesome work, loving all the info.

Anonymous said...

There's a solution to the NYC / bike issue: GET MOST NYPD OFFICERS ON BIKES STAT. We would have a fitter force that could turn up at crime scenes more quickly -- and a fairer legal deal for riders. We wouldn't even make them wear helments (though I suspect they would want to, you know, as a fashion/style thing).