Thursday, September 5, 2013

Hard Out Here For A Fred

As I mentioned yesterday, I was feeling pretty jetlagged, which was in turn making me very irritable (even more so than usual, which is dangerous, since my default level of irritability is "PMS"), and then I had to go to Brooklyn, and believe me when I tell you that you don't want to go to Brooklyn when you're irritable.

It's a good thing I didn't see this while I was there, or I might have lost it completely:


BAM President Karen Brooks Hopkins today unveiled a new mural and a bike park at 31 Lafayette Avenue, next to the BAM Howard Gilman Opera House. The mural was designed by Brooklyn artist KAWS; the bike rack, which spells out the words ”Bold winK” in front of the mural, is the work of David Byrne, formerly of the Talking Heads.

First it was "Micro Lip:"


And now "Boldwink."  Honestly, I don't see how he's going to outdo himself in the "inconvenient whimsy" department next time, though I've got a suggestion for him:


The Byrne x KAWS "Pussy Fart" collabo rack will stand 25 feet tall and be placed directly in front of the entrance to the Brooklyn Academy of Music so you'll be forced to deal with it even if you didn't ride a bike there.

Then, finally, Byrne and Paul Budnitz will collaborate on a 100 foot tall monolith of a bike rack that will stand right in the middle of Times Square, bringing traffic to a complete halt:


At which point Angels of Smugness will descend from the sky and carry David Byrne off to Livable Streets Heaven as a chorus of angry car horns blares well into the night.

Speaking of bringing traffic to a halt, a Tweeterer informs me that bike lanes and pedestrian plazas and all the rest of it aren't bringing traffic to a halt at all.  In fact, it looks like they're making it move faster:


But according to the New York City Transportation Department, a lengthy campaign to reallocate street space for cyclists and pedestrians has produced a curious result: If anything, officials said, cars are moving more quickly in the city’s most congested areas.

This is great news, because taxis really need that forward momentum so they can attain "ramming speed" while attacking messengers and tearing off tourists' legs.

In any case, clearly Dorothy Rabinowitz owes the All-Powerful Bike Lobby a great big scratchy handjob with one of her lizard claws for helping her get to her full-body varnishing appointments on time:


Seriously, it looks like someone dipped her in Minwax.

In other fun New York City bicycle cycling news, a reader tells me riders are being jumped on the Hudson River Greenway:



“The rope I saw at the last second, but it was too late. I was already clotheslined,” Cho said.

Moments later, Cho said he was punched with brass knuckles and beaten. The attackers not only ran off with Cho’s bike, but also his cellphone and cash.

Like any Fred worth his chamois I've ridden up and down the Hudson River Greenway roughly ninety bazillion times, though it wasn't until I moved to my current residence that I had any reason to ride it at night--and I'm not ashamed to admit that once I did finally ride it at night I was scared shitless the whole time and basically swore never to do it again.

By the way, please don't interpret that as victim-blaming.  People should be able to ride wherever they want, and my own level of fear is not necessarily an accurate gauge of actual risk since I am what's commonly known as a "wussbag."

Also, I wasn't even afraid of getting robbed.  I was mostly just afraid of the dark, and I kept thinking I was going to get jumped by a Rodent Of Unusual Size.

It's also worth noting that a clothesline booby-trap situation is one of the few instances in which a recumbent rider actually gets the last laugh, since they always come out the winner in that particular game of limbo:


("Clothesline this, assholes.")

Anyway, if you haven't ridden in the middle of traffic at night specifically to make it difficult for people to jump you then you haven't lived in New York very long.

Of course, if you're a Fred heading up the Hudson River Greenway, chances are you're bound for Route 9W (it's the Appian Way for Freds) and/or the so-called "River Road," and I see that while I was gone the police decided to hang out there and bust cyclists for all sorts of stuff:


From the original article:

About a quarter of the summonses issued Saturday were for speeding in the park, where the roads are narrow and winding and in places run along the face of the Palisades. The speed limit is 25 mph, but officers said they clocked cyclists going as fast as 48 mph at downhill sections of the road.

48mph?!?  That's well in excess of "Fred-Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo speed!"


I mean, come on, didn't they see the signs?

Presumably another reason for the sting operation was to prevent the riders from reaching Piermont, where they'd disturb the local residents by chatting with each other and spending money at the local businesses.

Actually, now that I think about it, these are pretty dire times for New York City Freds, and here's what you're facing on your next stretchy-pants ride:


And that's to say nothing of the legions upon legions of triathletes who stream up and down this route all weekend long, teetering on their aerobars and coming to an abrupt stop as they shuffle through the hairpin on the GWB bike path ramp, causing bike traffic to back up all the way across the span.

Now you see why I stick to my side of the river, scampering around in the woods where my biggest worry is Son of Sam-inspired Satanists.

Lastly, here's a public service announcement asking you to please dint stand in the bike lane:



pedestrian who made me fall - m4w (Midtown West)

Thank you for making me bust my ass on 6 ave. Thank you so much ...please dint stand on the bike lane

As for what a "dint stand" is, I'm not sure, but I assume it's either the pedestrian equivalent of a trackstand, or else it's just "don't stand" but in a French accent.

111 comments:

Dale said...

First place!!!

Anonymous said...

yay... stupid sprint

Herschel Raney said...

Ha, nice work again.

le Correcteur said...

Top ten; missed the damn podium. Effin dopers, the lot of you!

33 iantowh

Anonymous said...

comin at ya cleopatra 4th!

Anonymous said...

tooop ten.

notDavid Byrne said...

please, individuals, for the final time, as I am out of patience for such trivia, my band was just "Talking Heads," not "The Talking Heads."

The rest of them are doing adequately on their own, touring as "Just Heads," and I am happily collaborating with Brian Eno on successful and personally fulfilling ventures.

In the future, please consider reflecting upon my band's actual name, as that is the name we gave ourselves.

3G said...

Top 10! Now, with fewer herpes!

Anonymous said...

top ten

Marcel Da Chump said...

Dint rack

Anonymous said...

Tep something or other. Yeah Cleveland !

DB said...

Minwax.

BikeSnobNYC said...

notDavid Byrne,

You really can't stop people from adding "The" before band names, just like you can't stop them from making the names of stores and clubs possessive.

For example: "I saw THE TALKING HEADS at CBGB'S."

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Yarpo said...

Nice handlebar throw, Dale!

Top Tweh-Meh-nty!

erhosuc 339, my road tire of choice!

DerZoots said...

Ooohooo toop fifteenseington.

SHHIIIIIIIITTTTTT



Fuck and stufffffsssss..


WEEEEDD smokings done be good high now.


Robot convergence: stabidu 9B

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I didn't know Hulk Hogan was into bents.

DerZoots said...

I doth read upon arrival too.
Nones of this sneaking the podiums first usualness.




Robotine: 860 duslyia

Bret said...

Awesome quiz tomorrow.

PREZ DINT said...

WRM typed
For example: "I saw THE TALKING HEADS at CBGB'S."

Just like Obama, ""You lie!"

Thr real David Byrne who doesn't own a car said...

This ain't no party; this ain't no disco; this ain't no foolin around...

This ain't no Mudd Club, no CBGB; I ain't got time for that now!

BikeSnobNYC said...

PREZ DINT,

Well, I didn't see them, it was just an example.

I did see The Napalm Deaths at The CBGB's though.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

DB said...

So the Talking Heads fall into the other four boroughs category, not The Bronx category.
I think I'm catching on to the NYC plural/possessive thing.
Kinda like French class.

CommieCanuck said...

I didn't know Hulk Hogan was into bents.

It's all he has after getting beaten by Robs Fords in arm wrestling.Behold the power of crack.

Comment deleted said...

If you look closely, you can see Dot-R's nictitating membranes when she blinks.

CommieCanuck said...

You really can't stop people from adding "The" before band names, just like you can't stop them from making the names of stores and clubs possessive.

I saw The The The in 1982.

JB said...

I'd ride that 'cumbent. Slick.

Anonymous said...

"Dint stand" sounds more Scotch than French. It reminded me that I never finished that book by Irvine Welsh.

Fritz said...

Fred's new theme song...

Don't push me cause I'm close to the edge
I'm trying not to lose my head,

ah huh-huh-huh

It's like a jungle sometimes it makes me wonder
How I keep from going under
It's like a jungle sometimes it makes me wonder
How I keep from going under




DB said...

I saw The Ricky Nelson at The Troubador in the late 70s.

Comment deleted said...

Commie Canuck's: awesome. Thanks for ref'ing my favorite band name ever.

McFly said...

David Crosby too? This 'bent movement is starting to concern me.

McFly said...

That's David Crosby of The Crosby, Stills and Nash.

Anonymous said...

minwax and wood

SeeJay said...

Snobby, next time don't argue with Anthony Weiner. Just cold cock him!

Anonymous said...

I hear Riverdale wants to secede from the Bronx and join West Chester. Any truth to that wildcat?

ce said...

DintstanD

Serial Retrogrouch said...

grouch on the yellow recumbent is WEARING a clothesline on his face!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:48pm,

No, last I heard it was being rebranded as "NoMa."

--Wildcat Rock Machine

DB said...

Didn't NoMa play for the Red Sox?

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

no ROUS link?

here: http://tinyurl.com/d6976rt

fuckin' funny today, man

RoadQueen said...

WOO-HOO SEXY RECUMBENT! Recumbents get me all excited.

Also, I am so embarrassed for Hulk Hogan right now. I mean, WTF? He made a guest appearance last week on the Cleveland News Channel (Fox 8) for cryin' out loud.

Now he's throwing arm wrestling matches with cracked out fat 'men'?!

He was one of my heroes as a kid. I take that back - he's still one of my heroes. I'm just super-duper sad for him.

I LOVE YOU HULK HOGAN!!!!! *sniff, sniff*

I bet The Hulk like 'bents, too.

lagatta à montréal said...

Dorothy R is the antithesis of the sweet little old lady...

Can you imagine her as your bubbe?

Mr Plow said...

Hulk hogan and Andre the giant reference via his role in princess bride. 80's wrestling ruled.

King Ka Ka said...

I avoid that embarrassing pussy fart by using the back door.

am_i_right said...

NotDavidByrne got this one right.

To use a vernacular ancient WCRM might comprehend, it's not The Fugazi it's Fugazi. That's what it says on your t-shirt, right?

WCRM, did not see The Napalm Death at the CBGB's. AmIright?

Comment deleted said...

am_i_right: note that the examples you have provided are all *singular* nouns. When a band has a plural noun in the name, the natural tendency is to add "the" in front of it, because it sounds like the name is referring to the group of people playing the music.

Love "Eels." Hate calling (him/them) "Eels."

BikeSnobNYC said...

am_i_right,

Here's the deal: when the name of a band is plural, 99% of people are going to add a "The" to it, regardless of whether the band wants a "The" there or not. So, no, nobody's going to say "The Fugazi," or "The Minor Threat." But they are going to say "The Talking Heads."

I'm not saying it's correct. It's just the way it is.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Comment deleted,

You beat me to it.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Buffalo Bill said...

As Dorothy reached into my pants, her claws scratching at my rapidly shrinking member, I ...
woke up! what a nightmare!

Anonymous said...


WCRM,

You saw the Napalm Death at the CBGB's what? The CBGB's stage? The CBGB's back door?

Roille Figners said...

Who cares what musicians think about the appropriate use or omission of definite articles, not to mention punctuation, spelling, capitalization, unpronounceable symbols, grammar, life choices, financial matters, personal health & hygiene, and politics.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Snobs,

Fugazi is arguably plural, singular being Fugazo in italian... but then you wouldn't say The Fugazi, you'd say 'i Fugazi'...
example, 'I saw i Fugazi at CBGB's'

just sayin...

wait, who the fuck are i Fugazi?

Anonymous said...

The Metropolitan Branch Trail in DC has its own problems with cyclists being attacked.
http://dcist.com/2013/06/cyclist_beaten_along_metropolitan_b.php

Anonymous said...

But for some reason a lot of people would drop the "the" from "The Smashing Pumpkins".

In light of the general rule of adding "the", I've always taken that as evidence that people are, at least subconsciously, trying to do the wrong thing, which explains a lot.

DB said...

Okay, what about Americans saying, I'm going to The Hospital, while in Canada and Euroland it's just I'm going to hospital.
Do we get college credit in English for this post?

leroy said...

Well this explains why when I say I have to walk the dog, he responds "I have a name."

DB said...

Thanks for double recumbabe today.

McFly said...

Hey DB my nephew just started University over here in the same town I werk in.

The Jimboner said...

I saw the Miley Cyrus do the twerk in my living room.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 3:07pm,

Because "Smashing Pumpkins" sounds like an activity.

It's like you wouldn't say "The Shaving My Scranus."

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Dooth said...

A Flock of Seagulls, alright?! A Fucking Flock of Seagulls! Not THE Flock of Seagulls. A Flock of Seagulls.

RoadQueen said...

Oh hey, by the way...

Podio kisses to Dale, Anon and Herschel!

X! X! X!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Dooth,

They pre-empted the "The" with the "A," thus filling the article void people would otherwise have been compelled to fill themselves with a default "The."

--The Wildcat Rock Machines

Dooth said...

How about them They Might Be Giants?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Dooth,

That's just a sentence--which I suppose is the most foolproof way of keeping people from adding superfluous words to your name.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Serial Retrogrouch said...

wait wait wait...

i thought it's A Wildcat Rock Machine.

RoadQueen said...

Serial Grouch -

No, no, no....it's THE Wildcat Rock Machine.

SCAREDY CAT! said...

That sucks balls that cyclist are rolling into booby traps along the greenway. In Houston there have been several cases of folks getting robbed along certian stretches of our "improved and expanded" bike trails. Bike, wallet and phone stolen most of the time. Beatings are compliments of the theives, think of it as a happy ending after your Thai massage. HPD didn't want to make a big deal of it. Within the same week there was a group ride that was riding at night along one of the many bike trails and they were actually shot at.

YIKES!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Dooth,

Another way to pre-empt the "The" in a plural band name is with an acronym. NWA, SOD... If you refer to the band by it's full name you're not going to add the "The." (Nobody says "The Niggaz Wit Attitudes"--and yes, I realize how old my band references make me sound.)

So [The] Talking Heads should have called themselves "TH."

I've been thinking about this all day. A lot.

--Those Wildcat Rocking Machines

Comment deleted said...

Serial RetroG: Fugazi, as I understand it, is actually an adjective, like "FUBAR". Or, it's a staccato sentence: "Fucked up, got ambushed, and zipped in." [a body bag]. Attributed to Vietnam-era grunts.

My, this has been an edifying Afternoon at The Snobby's Riverdale Estate.

wishiwasmerckx said...

After I saw Cure, I had to take the Cure.

Dooth said...

Godspeed You! Black Emperor.

Steak and Lowenbrau said...

starting to sound like WLIR around here

Serial Retrogrouch said...

CD,

Then that's perfect... because i Fugazi would then be, 'i Got Fucked Up, Got Ambushed, and Zipped In'

man, that's right... this afternoon has me scratching my scranus continuously.

i Fugazi.

Vegas said...

The Beatles
Screaming Trees

Fredness seems a bit more saferly out here on the West Sieeede. The preponderance and prolonged infestation of Freds has accustomed the general population to our existence. Mostly only have to worry about SUVs and SoccerMom minivans running you down from behind. Though that's been happening a lot lately. That's another positive for Moontainbykecicling: no cars whatsoever.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Inspired by today's debate, I have decided to dine this evening at The Nobu.

McFly said...

I thought Smashing Pumpkins was the video we saw yesterday.

babble on said...

Or maybe the Talking Heads should have taken it a little further and called themselves THC. David might still be really popular that way.

Cheers, Snobbers. I loved The Boobies and The Pussy Fart... heh heh. Oh hey! That would make a good band name, too.

Commie Canuck? ++ Thanks for the The The....

Wreck Beach Dreamin said...

missed 77 Sunset Strip by one digit. Dang!

DB said...

Hmm.
I wonder if the The issue bypassed the 80's.
Motley Crüe, Pantara, Cinderella, Poison.

Quote the Raven said...

Counting Crows is always referred to as Counting Crows which sounds like someone is counting crows. If people referred to them as The Counting Crows maybe people would think their a band or something.

Anonymous said...

I have the nothing to say.

Anonymous said...

Rammgeschwindigkeit!

Pogo Roberto said...

Well I am glad to see you back, jack.

I almost got clothes-lined on my way to work to Salford, UK but I just lifted my D-Lock out of it's holder and started swinging.

Not really, but since I just spent $250 on my new air suspension forks making my hybrid Giant Roam bike worth more than $2000 I certainly would do.

And i'm 6'5". I mean come on. Who is going to give me sh!t.

Anyway my cycling friend, I missed you and I'm glad to see you back stateside. Keep up the sarcasm! We brits love it.

Rob M

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure i Fugazi is an aria from an eyetalian opera by Puccini.

Anonymous said...

The Bike Snob of the NYC

Beerfueled said...

Adding "The" apparently fixes the problem people have in confusing Verve with the jazz label. At least according to the lawsuit.

Hegnawed Hertitsov said...

First concert was The Aerosmith opening for The Three Dog Night. Made it to third.

Eurodude said...

Fugazi is a band, whereas the fugazi sounds like a genital mushroom.

Let´s ask CJ. Or Mc Fly.

McFly said...

The Philipe Gilbert!! He is.....how you say en englais? Magnifique...c'est ne pas? He is a true hard man for the babbles. I mean cobbles.

Dale said...

Hey RoadQueen! Thanks for the podium kiss!

Nacnud said...

When I was a kid, my folks took me to see The Cliff Richard and the The Shadows.

Anonymous said...

************
It's like you wouldn't say "The Shaving My Scranus."

--Wildcat Rock Machine
************

That's only because "scranus" is singular.

So is BikeSnobNYC, but you may well say; "The BikeSnobNYC".

Furthermore, if David Byrne designed a bike rack reading "BikeSnobNYC" you could quite reasonably say; "my bike's locked up at BikeSnobNYC's", making it a possessive as well!

McFly said...

OMG I just ordered a white Selle Italia SL saddle from the nashbar Cause they were on blowout clearance AND SOME WHITE LIZARD SKIN BARTAPE.

I am nowhere near fucking fast enough for the white bar tape and the white saddle. What the fuck have I done?

I am a idiot.

Jed said...

Scratchy handjobs are NOT cool or funny. At least that's what her grandson told me.

ASHY PUSY

Anonymous said...

So what's the word on "The hives" down under. I don't have some way to put it. That's the way it is. with the "The" in the front. Scratching like Tyrone Biggums?

Jed said...

Speaking of dried fruit, the comments of a certain nomme de liquide have been conspicuously absent. Did anyone light a candle?

Anonymous said...

I saw shit on my chamois because I have the shits.

Hey, you're right WCRM.

Anonymous said...

Jed, he's probably hibernating in a nest of newspaper strips for the next thirty years. Hope nobody wakes him.

Anonymous said...

feel like scrolling on your blog sux.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha only in the USA are separated bike lanes more dangerous than riding on the road - maybe John Forester had a point - a US centric point when he said Dutch style bike lanes are dangerous - hardy fucken har har.

Anonymous said...

Almost (the) quizday and (the) nobody has suggested (the) bold wank.

RoadQueen said...

As it's now Friday, I feel like we need to leave all of the proper English grammar aside and start drinking and cussing.

WHO'S WITH ME?!

McFly said...

I can't drink. They say it makes me......"happy".

RoadQueen said...

McFly, WTF dude.

It's Friday. I'm only working a 1/2 day so I can take the pony camping.

You're killing me.

I'll drink for you. It's the least I can do.

RoadQueen said...

By the by, what do you mean by...."happy"?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

RQ,
I don't know about monsieur McFly, but when i'm 'happy' i look like a monkey who just ate a banana and has way too much time on his hands...

...i take that back, like a monkey who has something else in his hands.

...but i'm with you. it's going to be a GORGEOUS weekend and i plan to be plenty 'happy'.

...one for le monsieur, too.

RoadQueen said...

Grouch:

All I have to say to that is, "Oh my..."

Thank you for the clarification. :)

mikeweb said...

Whew! For a second there I thought it was BGW on the 'bent. But then it occurred to me: it's a recumbent.

About a week ago I did witness the the police set up at the bottom of Ranger Station hill, ticketing Freds in the middle of their hill repeats, descending the mighty Mt. Frederest.

That was a week after I got a ticket for failure stop at a stop sign from the Englewood Cliffs PD on my BIRTHDAY too boot.

Bama Phred said...

If I ever get a bikeen speeding ticket I'm framing it.

dnk said...

Out on tour with The Smashing Pumpkins.....I don't understand what they mean.

And I could really give a fuck.400