Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Ahoy There, Water Fred!

Owing to the government shutdown, I am not able to use the letter "Q" today, so I hope you will bear with me.

If it's any consolation, just think of it as democracy in action.


***UPDATE***


I just got word that I can use the letter "Q," but I just won't get paid for it.

Crisis averted.

Speaking of municipal matters, there's a movement afoot to put a bike path on the Verrazzanno Vezrazano that bridge between Brooklyn and Staten Island that costs like $175:


Which I only mention for one reason:

Have you ever rode your bicycle around the neighborhood and wished that someone had designed a route that would let you ride around the city, the boroughs and parts of New Jersey in a single, all-encompassing loop? Well, crazy exercise person, your dreams are one step closer to reality as the Harbor Ring Committee has published the Harbor Ring map, and the only piece of the puzzle still missing in a bike lane connecting Brooklyn and Staten Island.

I don't care much about the grammers, but "have you ever rode?"  That's like saying, "Have you ever did mescaline?"  (I hasn't.)  Look, I'm sure the Bensonhurst Bean is under tremendous pressure to keep traditional Brooklynese alive in the face of rampant gentrification, but I expect more from a newspaper named after a legume.

As for the actual question, which is whether I've ever wished to "ride around the city, the boroughs and parts of New Jersey in a single, all-encompassing loop," I'll admit a bicycle slog through a densely populated and heavily industrialized metropolitan area is certainly an item on my bucket list, right above flossing a cat's teeth and right below camping out in JFK airport for two weeks.

Still, I'm certainly in favor of the bike lane, though I'd imagine many Staten Islanders will oppose it, if only because gentrifiers are extremely fond of places that are both vulnerable to hurricanes and inconvenient to the rest of the city unless you're traveling by bicycle (Red Hook, Fort Tilden, and so forth), so if they can ride their Linuses over the span of the "Big V" it's only a matter of time before Richmond County falls to them like a hand-carved artisanal domino.

Speaking of crossing large bodies of water by bicycle, a reader informs me that a man has ridden his bicycle across the San Francisco Bay:


See that?  They don't need to put a bike lane on the Verrazano at all!

Schiller, a designer by trade, found a few small manufacturers that made floating kits that would allow any bicycle to snap in.  He said the inflatable attachments he used Friday, which can be carried in a small bag, came from Italy and cost about $1,000.

Yeah, sounds like something a designer would do.  Also, when asked why he didn't simply use a small boat and place his bicycle inside, he simply responded with a blank stare, and then softly farted.

On the Oakland side of the bay, it took Schiller less than 10 minutes to transform his road bike into a water bike.  He wore a T-shirt, board shorts and a flotation device, but no helmet.

They guy riding his bicycle on water wasn't wearing a helment?!?  Hopefully next time the Chronicle reports on a cyclist getting hit by a car they'll go out of their way to mention whether or not he was wearing a flotation device.  In fact, if they're going to go interjecting random details, I think whenever they mention anybody in an article, no matter what they're doing, the reporter should specify whether or not they are secreting a live gerbil in their anal cavity:


Speaking of safety matters and anal play, it looks like New Yorkers will finally get more protection from deadly drivers:



Just kidding, we're all fucked in the "gerbil hutch":

"There's a lot of case law that has developed around the issue of whether or not vehicle accidents can be subject to criminal action," NYPD Legal Affairs Assistant Commissioner Susan Petito explained. "The DA is a critical part in this. They will be able to tell us whether or not the case is prosecutable under a lot of case law that is developed separate of the penal law."

Vallone asked Petito if she could sum up that case law.

"I'm not an expert, but I know that there is a lot of case law about how many traffic violations have to be associated with an action before vehicular manslaughter is charged," Petito said. "I apologize, I don't know this area of law at all."

Wow.  So the NYPD Legal Affairs Assistant Commissioner doesn't "know this area of law at all?"  Was this actually a joint hearing, or was it a reenactment of that "Seinfeld" episode where George is trying to get fired from the Yankees?

We are so deeply fucked.

But at least she apologized.

By the way, on the way home from the hearing NYPD Legal Affairs Assistant Commissioner Susan Petito mistook the gas for the brake and ran over fifteen pregnant women as they left a prenatal yoga class in Park Slope.

No criminality suspected, of course--though in this case, given her demonstrable lack of mental acuity, I'm inclined to believe she's actually capable of the mistake.

Lastly, in Brooklyn Heights, commenter and dog enthusiast Leroy spotted this bold Citi Bike "dockblock:"


Adjustable stems and suspension forks should really be mutually exclusive, and if your bike has both you should be asking yourself some serious questions, such as: "Who am I?"; "Why am I so uncomfortable?"; and "Where is the nearest recumbent store?"

Just don't get a recumbent that's too recumbent, or else you might not be able to see over your own paunch:


(On a low-profile recumbent, unobscured over-the-gut sight lines are essential.)

The same goes for women of ample chestitude:


(Optimal recumbent setup; nipples not in field of vision.)

This is important information that can save your life, and I'm giving it to you for free, so you're welcome.

87 comments:

DogShot said...

Frist!

Anonymous said...

Podium

DogShot said...

Indeed!

DB said...

Podium kisses?

Anonymous said...

SCRANUS-PODIUM!!

Anonymous said...

Jackass!

Christian said...

Fuck my tits!

streepo said...

Remember "The Panties"!!!!

englishstu said...

TOP TEN

Anonymous said...

ten

le Correcteur said...

eleven? top twenty regardless.


308 aintemem

3G said...

Top 20 Scranus!

ge said...

I don't have an adjustable stem or a suspension fork. I feel so inadequate.

ffacedr - can only mean one thing you filthy robot

mikeweb said...

Awesome photo of BGW cycling across the Bay.

Chapeau.

babble on said...

Consider yourself thanked! Hey! I hasn't ever did the mescaline either! We could have a great big drug party and your itty bitty government would never know.

Sod's law in action. Why didn't I hear of that bike before August? I could have used it to get to Hornby Island over the summer. Where is water fred when you need him?

Anonymous said...

I would rather shave a Bob cat's ass in a phone booth.

DerZoots said...

I'm going for a ride to make the rent check deliveder.



Robot catch phrase: 70 adcovan

babble on said...

I prefer a nipple line of sight, actually. Safety shmafety. Who needs it?

dnk said...

Hello Mr. Snob and Fellow "Commenteratti"

I, a Border Patrol agent

My wife, an Alcohol Tobacco Firearms agent

Our dog, an Air Traffic Controller

And our cat ("Meowsers"), a Secret Service agent and former Navy Seal

...we are all enjoying a well-deserved day off thanks to the government shutdown.

We're basically lounging in the waterbed right now, which is floating in the hot tub (sort of looks like a guy riding his bike across the San Francisco Bay), and we're reading this blog.

Give our regards to Broadway.

Yeah Cleveland said...

Still basking in yesterday's trey. Yeah Cleveland!

Fritz said...

Inflatable pontoons...uh yah

Don't forget your life vest and epirb WaterFreds

SCRT GRBL said...

Don't know the law, don't prosecute.

Comment deleted said...

I just can't seem to stop hearing the voices of Jon Stewart and Robin Williams in my head. Am I losing my mind?

mikeweb said...

Also, congrats to leroy on his intrepid photojournalism.

crosspalms said...

And here I thought you'd be writing about the motorcyle-riding Republicans who spotted the black SUV of government on the Henry Hudson Parkway and shut it down by beating in the windows with their helments.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Leroy,

did you dog pee on that citi-bike blocker?

g. said...

Seems like the phrase "No criminality suspected" is incomplete without the, "but, really, how the fuck would we know" after it.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Benson hurts grammar.

mikeweb said...

That dock-blocking Trek must've been put there by those rapscallion Capulets. They shall be smited.

g. said...

Here in Florida it takes a group of rednecks and a keg of Bud to get someone to strap a bike to their pontoon boat and ride it across a large body of water. You can be damn sure ain't no healments involved there, by God!

Anonymous said...

@ gsaid,

Makea pontoons out of the kegs you mean?

babble on said...

DNK - nice... I sure hope you have lots of sex to make up for all the sex I'm not having. Also, er... please don't tell yer wife about the party, mkay? ... unless you think she might want to come?

Dooth said...

A long time ago our favorite Talking Head wrote a song called Don't Worry About the Government.

the Jimboner said...

When I lived in San Francisco I belonged to a rowing club that had these bitchin' 20ft. lifeboats that I could row on the bay. I would toss my bike in, head over to Sausalito on the tide, ride around for a few hours and catch the next tide back. No helment in '88 and I still have my ZO bag!

Anonymous said...

is it just me or does "designer" look wrong with out "quotes"? (preferably of the air variety)

Buffalo Bill said...

also, not an expert

Yarpo said...

Hey, at least Pontooncycle Guy made it across to San Francisco, unlike all the cyclists riding up the Ramp To Nowhere on the UNB (Ugly New Bridge). Eventually, the ramp will go to Yerba Buena/Treasure Island but that only gets you halfway across the bay. No plans to add or attach or glue a ramp to the suspension span to the city (engineers say it is an unsafe option) and NEVER IN HELL will one lane on that portion of the bridge be made into a bike/pedestrian lane.

Never, never, never, oh Heavens to Taints, no!

A helmeant would have been helpful if the pontooncycle got run over by a huge container vessel steered by one of our illustrious harbor pilots, like the one who smacked the bridge with the Cosco Busan a few years ago, causing that little oil spill thing...

Congrats to DogShot, Anon 11:57am, and Doppleganger Dogshot! Nice handlebar throw!

RoadQueen said...

DogShot and Anon, Podio congrats! XX

Also, apologies to yesterdays winners, I was too bummed to pucker.

Another titillating post, Snob. Thank you.

Also, boobies and scranus.

Jonathan.Figliuolo said...

Riding over the Verrazano sucks - why anyone would choose to do that more than once a year during the NYC Bike Tour is a mystery to me...

More interesting, though, is that the Bayonne Bridge is about to be closed for two years or something to do a massive rebuilding project.

Yeah, so there is that. And I am a Staten Islander - I try to get off the Island any time I can to do any riding. You need a dedicated gravel bike for the roads out here, and my cross bike isn't cutting it :(

JB said...

I've been gone a few days, but the illustration of a naked Cipo shoving an ostrich's head up the rumpilicious chevron-covered bootwah is absolutely magnificent!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

The "designer" of the waterbiek is on to something but it's obvious a recumbent bike with its lower center of gravity and drivetrain components elevated up away from corrosive salt water is the superior configuration for a water-going cycle. As an added benefit the more aerodynamic position of the rider aboard such a craft would be advantageous for plying headwinds often encounted in flat marine environs.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

RCT, for once you make a compelling argument to ride on your back... and remember, if you decide to stop pedaling while on water, a bent is the best way to chill.

RoadQueen said...

Mmmmm....bents

BENT RIDR
VERY HAWT
BACK PEDL
SALT WATR
CHIL LOUT
RIDE LOOS

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Right on SR. Chill and work on your tan at the same time.

And in keeping with the nautical theme a periscope could be utilized allowing clear forward view while underway at full recline thus negating the dreaded UOTGSL problem.

Anonymous said...

There actually is quite a nice ride over the GWB, down riveroad in NJ, pick up a very long pedestrian / bike path along the hudson that runs contineously down to Jersey City (you have to walk your bike for about 100 yards through the Hoboken train station) and then you can make your way through the lovely streets of Bayonne, across the Bayonne bride to Staten Island, along Richmond Terrace (be sure to stop at Liedy's shore Inn, the oldest bar in SI - but you might want to leave the lycra at home) continue on and take the Ferry back to manhattan or the Verazzano bridge to Brooklyn. It's a pleasant ride.

NYCHighwheeler said...

That link you posted the other day about the motorcyclist vs range rover reminded me of an incident that happened during the infamous August 2004 Critical Mass ride.
http://gothamist.com/2005/10/28/foxy_brown_no_friend_of_bikers.php
"Rapper" Foxy Brown runs through the two cyclists.

PS her attorney is full of shit, I have the whole thing on video!

Dave 'Paco' Abraham said...

Mind adding a link to the actual Harbor Ring project in the "there's a movement a foot" line or something?
harborring.org

DogShot said...

Many thanks for the hugs and kisses.

Speaking of doppelgangers, I have appropriated my "nom de plume" from a Snob post from back in the day where the final pix was the silhouette of some hair band rocker that Snob described as being shot in the back of the head with a sheepdog. I happened to win the sprint that day as Anon so DogShot seemed appropriate. Hopefully the name seems a little less creepy after this explanation (because it kind of creeps me out every time I use it).

And cheers to all. New Belgium brews on the house!

Fritz said...

HEAL MENT

McFly said...

You know what else comes from Italy and costs $1000? A quality hooker named Esmerelda Villa Lobos that has an amazing natural muff.

I never tire of seeing they way Recumbabes tits gently caress her ribcage with their natural submission to gravity.

RoadQueen said...

DogShot:

Thanks for the explanation. Every time I see your name, I think of dog jizz. Like a pup-themed money shot.

:)

Ride Safe!

Herschel Raney said...

Since BikeSnob has now made me acutely aware of all pedestrian and cycling deaths associated with shiity drivers, I drink more. But besides that, I can't believe he did not take off on a rant about the guy in the car who ran a red light and took out not just a blind man on the roadside but his seeing-eye guide dog (who died) and his child (who lived after being dragged to safety by the dying dog). Well jesus. Ok, going back to drinking. [PS the robot word below is isedoper. Seriously.]

Jan! said...

Gravel bikes are totally over. I'm getting myself a water bike. Quick question: when using front suspension on a bike on a flotation device, how much travel would you recommend? 80–100 mm?

Also:
PREN ATAL
PERT ANAL

McFly said...

Dogs are real assholes RQ. They never pull out. No opposable thumbs. It's science.

Roille Figners said...

Helments are deadly at sea. ARRR

RoadQueen said...

McFly:

They don't have thumbs, but they do have the ability to lick themselves.

I rest my case.

Freddy Murcks said...

I don't find recumbabe to be the least bit attractive. Is that weird? Clearly somebody thought she was comely, otherwise they wouldn't have taken the photo, but she doesn't do it for me.

I guess that you could say that I am generally opposed to nudie photoshoots involving bicycles. They're just too contrived. It's like "I was just out here with my bike and I got so excited I took my clothes off." I guess all nudie photoshoots are contrived to a certain extent, but the suspension of disbelief is easier for me if they are set, for example, in a bedroom or by a pool. Nobody, with the possible exception of Cipo, rides a bike naked (naked ride events notwithstanding).

Sincerely,
Freddy "I like naked chicks so long as they aren't on bikes" Murcks

15 tedoepr

Anon Anonymous said...

So, um now that the government of Canada's cycling underpants is closed for business, do it's citizens get a tax holiday too? If not, what are they paying for? I mean, besides crushing interest payments to China.

echowasn 769

Anonymous said...

Freddy Murcks: I agree on recumbabe, not attractive. She reminds me a little of a middle aged yoko ono. As for other naked women on bikes, I respectfully disagree.

CommieCanuck said...

That's actually wrong, when in the proper position, nipples can be used to define curbs.

Way to go Republicans...you make our Rob Ford look like Prime Minister timber.

CommieCanuck said...

...and what about that Texas Fucktard Ted Cruz? If he actually ever got to the end of "Sam I Am", he would have realized that the narrator actually LIKED green eggs and universal health care.

But like most good congressmen, he either skipped reading after the first page, or saw that it was written by a Doctor and wrote it off as liberal trash.

Dooth said...

I find Recumbabe's confidence attractive. Female empowerment turns me on.

CommieCanuck said...

I don't find recumbabe to be the least bit attractive. Is that weird?

No, no, it's perfectly normal.


For a gay man.

just sayin'.

CommieCanuck said...

I find Recumbabe's confidence attractive. Female empowerment turns me on.

Next month's Playboy has a spread of Hillary Clinton and Dorothy Rabinowitz. ooer.

Dooth said...

Yes, someone else's pants.

Dooth said...

Thanks, Commie. I just wet those pants.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I like it when a naked female cyclist pops a squat to have a pee, except when she lets loose her officious stream upon a hapless turtle.

CommieCanuck said...

I like it when a naked female cyclist pops a squat to have a pee, except when she lets loose her officious stream upon a hapless turtle.

After that happens 10-12 times, it gets old.

The automotive world definitely has more porn with women strangely spread out over the vehicle.

Perhaps on public transit blogs, there are photos of hot naked chicks riding the bus.

McFly said...

I was not really talking about 'Babe so much as I was talking about her natural breasts in their "state", it's a very specific genre of perversion.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Funny you should mention that, CC. When I first met the queen of my double-wide trailer, she was buck-naked and spread eagle on the hood of my Trans-Am.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I actually had to beat off the eagle with a stick.

Anonymous said...

Finally my Aero-PFD will be Fred worthy.

Anonymous said...

Snob, The "Dockblock" Trek is not too dissimilar from your travel bike bicycle setup...just sayin.

Eurodude said...

"Adjustable stems and suspension forks should really be mutually exclusive".

And why is that?

Luxury Canuck said...

Vitess is translate to speed for you!

http://www.theweathernetwork.com/news/articles/toronto-retailer-creates-25000-luxury-bicycles/13765/

http://www.vitess.com/

McFly said...

Wiwm, my Moana Lisa stumbled into my single-wide drunk in 1995 and never left. It's been a wild ride so far. The hood thing is funny cause one morning my buddy wakes us up and says YALL NEED TO GO WASH THE HOOD OF MY 68 Camaro.

babble on said...

Grouch, I don't have a recumbent, but I don't have to work hard to think of a good reason to ride on my back. Just sayin... :)

Anonymous said...

Aquatic Recumbent.

leroy said...

My dog claims he just noticed that Recumbabe was on a bike.

But he also claims he doesn't need a water bike. He can just walk.

Not sure I'm buying either claim tho.

If god is dog spelled backwards, it seems to me he'd at least have to moonwalk across water.

hcdr said...

rode in staten once. have never received so much abuse from drivers. awful.

Anonymous said...

AQUA BENT

ce said...

meh, arboreal bikes are where it's at.

ce said...

Though I am also pretty into the "underground" spelunking bike scene.

BamaPhred said...

Now someone now wants to know if a gravel bike can be used to cycloX. I'm so confused, it seems like just yesterday folks were wondering if they could use cyclocross bikes for gravel. See here Not to mention this water bike adaptor thingy.

streepo said...

Much as I usually agree with commie Canuck 100% of the time, i feel he can't b;ame Canada's toilet bowl completely for Ted Cruz. Cruz is Canadian after all.

bugly64 said...

Hey trying to leave my comment.

Anonymous said...

last comment == "lodium"??
wle