Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Humans Weren't Meant To Travel Long Distances Over Short Amounts Of Time

Sleep is like money.  When you're getting plenty, you feel great and do stuff like wave to strangers and sing for no reason.  But when you're running low, you feel cranky and desperate and YOU WANT TO FREAKING KILL SOMEBODY.

I haven't had any sleep, because I'm jetlagged, and the reason I'm jetlagged is because some moron put Australia all the way on the other side of the planet.

Jerkface.

So yeah, I'm in rough shape.  In fact, I almost got arrested in the supermarket this morning:



The only reason I know the above movie exists is that the exchange at 1:53 is sampled on this record album:


My friend brought it back from England for me back in the day and it immediately became one of my prized possessions.  I tried to find the song complete with the sample on YouTube, but while the song is there the sample is not, so I can only assume that at some point Extreme Noise Terror were forced to re-release the album without all the (presumably) uncleared movie samples, which totally undermines my faith in the punk movement.

Another symptom of sleep deprivation is tangents.

Anyway.

What?

So yeah, you'll have to excuse me if I'm not taking things in stride today.  Take my Big Dummy for example:


Above is my Big Dummy, pictured near my home, which as you can see is located on the Street That Time Forgot.  The relative obscurity of my street is a good thing, since my seventeen (17) children can do wholesome stuff like play in the middle of it and subsist on grubs and feral cats during our many "outdoor survival nights."  (I sleep inside.  They only way they're going to learn is if they're out there by themselves.)  It also means I can generally lock my Big Dummy outside without worrying too much about it.  In fact, our Electra Amsterdam was parked outside for over two (2) weeks before I noticed we had completely forgotten to lock it.

The thing is, outdoor parking combined with my general aversion to performing routine maintenance means the first thing to go on the Big Dummy is the shifting.  And when your shifting goes, the way it happens is that the rear derailleur is happy to make its way up the cassette to the big cogs, because the cable is pulling the derailleur (unless it's "rapid rise" or whatever, I don't even know if that's still a thing, I'm old and I can't keep track of this crap anymore), but then when you try to shift back down the cog the derailleur won't go because your cable and housing are all sticky and the cable won't release and so the head of the cable just starts poking out of the shifter instead.

So when you live on the side of a big hill like I do, and you put one of your seventeen (17) children on your bike to take him to survival camp to learn how to eat grubs and skin cats, everything's fine as you climb the hill, downshifting and downshifting until you're in your very biggest cog.  But then you get to the top of the hill and try to upshift, and it's not happening, and you realize you've only got one gear (or technically three if the front's still shifting) and you're going to have to frantically spin the whole rest of the way like a complete idiot.

That's what happened this morning, and I wasn't in the mood.

And before you say it, yes, I know, Di2 shifting on my Big Dummy would totally solve all my problems.

I'm going to get right on that.

In the meantime though, that little malfunction has completely fucked up my Strava times.

Oh, here's the helment I bought in Australia:


I removed the visor before wearing it of course, leaving three conspicuously unattractive holes in the front.

But as cranky and disoriented as I am, I've got nothing on this guy, who had to be pulled off the Brooklyn Bridge when he accidentally tried to cross with the cars on a Citi Bike:


Man tries to Citi Bike Across Brooklyn Bridge... in the car lane from Gothamist on Vimeo.

My helment is off to him, because that's not an easy mistake to make.

Anyway, the rider was fine, but three people were treated for hernias after lifting the Citi Bike.

In other news, acolytes of the Lone Wolf:


Will be pleased to know that a friend of a reader has scored an impromptu interview from the man himself:


Interview with the Lone Wolf from Gary Cziko on Vimeo.

I was a little disappointed to see him straighten the USA wheels as soon as the camera was trained on his bike, because I had always just assumed the fact they are always this way in photos was a by-product of his Cosmic Alignment:


Though I was fascinated to learn that the Lone Wolf's bike is now bedazzled with 160,000 crystals and is the product of nine hours of painstaking labor a day, three to four days a week, for three to four months.


That's more time than I've spent to date on blogging, parenting, and routine bike maintenance combined.

Best of all, he put the crystals right over Lance Armstrong's and Taylor Phinney's autographs, bedazzling them both right into obscurity.

Speaking of labor, the people at Velocity USA want you to see how they build their wheels, so here you go, because I live for videos of people twiddling nipples:


The Wheel Department in August from Velocity USA on Vimeo.

I guess they're pretty efficient when it comes to building wheels, but I'd like to know how quickly they could bedazzle a bike.

Lastly, because you're deeply interested in physics, I present to you this video I received from Stefane in Munich:


I'd make an animated GIF if only I knew how...

75 comments:

Anonymous said...

Howl the wolf. Podia.

Anonymous said...

Hoomsaf. Boom stick.

Up in top

Anonymous said...

Trifecta

Anonymous said...

Anyone?

RoadQueen said...

Top 10!

RoadQueen said...

Anon, way to hog it. I could have had 2nd. :P

uscpeter said...

Sub Podio??

Freddy Murcks said...

Just skimmed the post. Hoping to squeak into the toop teen. By the way, Wednesday weed #YOLO.

1 llocnou

DB said...

I wondered when you were going to crash from sleep deprivation.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Wavy boobies.

Comment deleted said...

Again with the pig testicles?

Schisthead said...

I know it was a long trip, but you can coast y'know...

RoadQueen said...

Looks like that lady's seat is too low.

Someone should explain the merits of having it higher.

No, higher.

Just a liiiiiitle higher....

AAAAAAHHH....

Just right. :)

balls™ said...

Comment deleted,
My thoughts exactly. Sick thoughts, but what are you going to do?

I coulda been a contender.

leroy said...

Note to Sheree from yesterday --

My dog says you and your partner have a standing invitation to ride with him if you find yourself in NY.

I've never figured out how someone who drinks out of a toilet knows so many places to stop for coffee and baked goods, but he does.

I'm not buying his story that he's friends with the dogs who modelled for the T-Shirts at Bunbury's in Piermont and Gypsy Donut in Nyack.

Anonymous said...

Top XX !!

owitnlo 203

Synonymous said...

When all of you get busted for doping, the podium will be mine!

Anonymous said...

Yeah Cleveland!!!

comparative_philosophy_major said...

Hi,

I'm a wheel-building artisan making $7.00/hr just so I can say I'm a wheel building artisan that turns nipples all day. Yeah, no not that kind of nipples. The bike-geek kind.

This is just a stepping-stone to my own artisanal wheel-building business where I'll net $3/hr until the few customers there are abandon me for wheels assembled in far-off places at 1/4 the price and same quality.

Thank Lob I went to college!

streepo said...

BIGB OOBS

RANTWICK said...

I can relate man. I used to write a cycling blog. I took one little flight to the west coast (that's nothing compared to yours) and now I'm writing about Darth Vader and Groundhogs.

Or maybe it was just because you were gone. Never leave again.

Anonymous said...

Toop Tweenty and g'day?

RANTWICK said...

Hey RoadQueen! Nice finish!

[21 ldformi]

Dale said...

Awesome Lone Wolf interview today!!

Comment deleted said...

Hmm, the Lone Wolf didn't bat an eyelash when the interviewer referred to him as the Lone Wolf. I must conclude he reads this blog. Now, we need to figure out which commenter is really the Lone Wolf. I'm going to go out on a limb and eliminate Babs and RQ from contention.

McFly said...

Hernia's LOL. Speaking of hernia's I can guaratee you that big-legged girl gives amazing BJ's. You know how I know?

She has to.

3G said...

HOLY COOPERS LIGAMENTS BATMAN

dnk said...

Lone Wolf is inaudible.

And I wish the boobs were not in slo-mo. It actually became so boring that I managed not to let myself get distracted by the boobs. Which is a first.

Dave said...

Marmot wrestling... the angular momentum alone must produce a seriously goofy tiller effect, like a star with a couple of huge planets orbiting it every three hours. Not to mention eddies in the space-time continuum.

Eurodude said...

Slowmo boobs are great while on wednesday weed, I say

RoadQueen said...

Hey Rantwick: Thanks! Still a bit annoyed that Anon rode in circles on the finish line instead of getting the fuck off the course already.

CD: I hate being excluded from anything, but this time I'm glad you did. I'm much more of a Head Boss Mare than a Lone Wolf.

Anonymous said...

Gary the videographer should really refrain from drinking so much on his family bike rides.

Buffalo Bill said...

Hey, wake up!

BamaPhred said...

Was Brunnhilde pedaling to "Ride of the Valkyries"?
Don't hate
Someone keeps asking for more drindls
Less than a month before Oktoberfest, she's getting in shape for stein totin'

g. said...

A nice diversion
Evolution of the Bicycle from the folks at Pop Chart Lab.

Flyover Bike commuter said...

I think her jugs were "cycling" at 6 bounces per crank revolution, or three cycles per leg, which means they effectively counter balance excessive stress to the frame and drive train caused by her ample everythings.

I didn't listen to the video, but anything other than "Fat Bottomed Girls" just comes up short.

babble on said...

OMG Snobbers that was a good one... thanks for the laughs! And also for the googly booblys. I don't feel so deprived now.

I just met a mate of yours who used to work in the same shop with you fifteen years ago... he says there's six degrees of cycling. Maybe he's right. So we were out on a midnight ride last night and he was teasing me about my helmet and how I'm such a good safety role model. I said, "Yeah, but I really need it. I use it."

Fifteen minutes later I ran full speed into a curb I failed to see and proved myself right.

Sometimes it hurts to be right.

Vegas said...

Dangit. Forgot about the race. Memory isn't what it should be on Weednesday. Who's tired?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

JERK FACE
TANG ENTS
BIGD UMMY
EATG RUBS
SKIN CATS
Di2S HIFT
CITI BIKE
LONE WOLF
VELO CITY
SPOR TBRA

Roille Figners said...

2 YouToobs & 3 Vimeos. Does it become video curation at that point?

JAKE

ELWO OD

BamaPhred said...

Bicycle Race/Fat Bottom Girls!
Of Course FBC
Bicycle Race/Fat Bottom Girls
Blame it on Weednesday

Regular guy said...

So I was touched to see the video of the Lone Wolf as he was introducing his darling wife and grand kids, then I hear "what are you doing with all that chicken in your pants" and realized that I had scrolled down after losing interest in the shoplifting scene without turning it off.

So I was hearing the shoplifting scene sampled in the Lone Wolf video. It was truly awesome.

Last video brings to mind the other wolf, as in Howlin'.
"300 pounds of Heavenly joy"

RoadQueen said...

I feel bad for big boobie lady, though. It sucks to get caught in an active situation without proper active under restraints.

That shit hurts.

Anonymous said...

TF

Dooth said...

Nice to know Lone Wolf is not a lonely wolf.

Anonymous said...

Had the same non shifting issue on my bike this morning, but on the front chain ring. Annoying. Then it got better, flatted on a piece of glass about 5 miles from home. Filled my tubular with pitstop, but still a slow leak so by the time I made it home I was riding on like 20psi. Stupidly I took the corner onto my street way too fast, tire came off, skidded on the rim, whipped so hard that the non-flat front tire was ripped from the rim, went down hard. Road rash, soar shoulder, bruised ego. My first accident in 20 years that was not caused by a car or car door hitting me. A bad morning.

Merv the Perv said...

RQ I will make sure you are plenty restrained when I place you in an active situation. Though it may still hurt. Just a bit. Never more than you can take and always just what you deserve, dirty girl.

RoadQueen said...

Merv the Perv:

How do you know I like to suffer sweetly? Have we met in a past life?!

Merv the Perv said...

I can just tell by looking at you, my darling.

Merv, just Merv said...

Plus you're a cyclist, wocka wocka!

Anonymous said...

eww.

Anonymous said...

I want to spend a day hanging with Ernie and the Wolf. I can't even imagine what that would entail.

RoadQueen said...

Creepy...

Merv Griffin said...

That's why they call me Merv the Perv!!

OK fine, we met in a past life.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

completely off topic, but i was standing in line in front of the anthony wieners at the farmer's market this morning. his voice pieced my ears, i turned, recognized him, and (almost) called him a douchebag, before i realized his little kid was with him... i guess even douchebags can be cads.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

the lonewolf appears to be a geniunely great guy. i like him even more now... but he is less mysterious.

babble on said...

Dear Snob. You said,

In any case, if you're feeling truly sick over the $40 x 2 and it is causing you undue financial hardship I'm happy to make you and your partner whole again somehow.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

September 3, 2013 at 11:56 PM

I have a boo boo on my knee. Can you make me whole again too, please?

Mcfly - you said

Those pig balls were about the perfect size for a nice set of tits...

You scare me just a little cause clearly you're nuts, and yet somehow I always understand where you're coming from.

McFly said...

Well it certainly explains why bacon is so salty.

If you know what I mean.

And I believe you do.

babble on said...

Aw fuck. Course I do.

McFly said...

But like a good scared, right? Where the pulse quickens. The pupils dilate. The nipples harden. The vajayjay self-moisturizes.

2 out of 4 ain't bad.

Pigballs said...


Watching those massive mammaries move reminded me of the sensation I felt on my last naked bike ride.

Sheree said...

I have your fuckin' glasses snob, and I will not release them until I get my $40 ($35AUD) and a private reading from your book.

Steak and Lowenbrau said...

Serial Retro-G

Someone else beat you to it today

McFly said...

I bet the USA disc wheelset on the LOTUS got out of orientation when he rode it on gravel with a white knuckle ninja grip on those aero bars. That's some serious torque baby. I can just see those silver locks flapping in the tailwind as he cranks out the watts.

Anonymous said...

I got ya...

DerZoots said...

WHo the fuck records lone wolf interviews in H.264? I need to update my browser for this.
HOW ABOUT YOU FIGURE OUT FUCKING HEADROOM and composing a shot before bumping the resolution.
Shit just looks like more detailed shit with more resolution.

How many pixels per minute?


isafergo 38

McFly said...

Looks like Anthony Weiner is going to stick it out until the end.

JB said...

Guys (and gals), regarding the dynamics of the large chested bike-riding female, I think the tuned mass damper illustrates what you are getting at. These are used in tall buildings to keep them from snapping during an earthquake.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Steak and Lowenbrau,

it looks like the weiner portages his human child around just so he wouldn't get insulted in public as frequently.

there's just something so fugly about that guy.

JB said...

If you like old bikes, don't let this one pass you by!

Bama Phred said...

I hear Weiner's support is shriveling.

Anonymous said...

Check out this sweet 'cockie' candidate, triathlete edition:

http://youtu.be/aiwRk133904?t=27s

RoadQueen said...

JB:

An 11 inch-er, no less. Nice find.

ge said...

Wow, first Bret, now Ben. Excellent investigative reporting Snob.

John Diogenous said...

Brooklyn bridge video is impressive!