Tuesday, September 3, 2013

"Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you, amen!"

Well, I'm back.

Just in case you didn't notice I was gone in the first place, I was in Melbourne, Australia, for the Melbourne Writers Festival.

It takes a long time to get to Melbourne from New York.  On the various flights, I read two books and watched about ten movies, not including a shitload of TV shows.  I also lied on my Australian customs entry form when I said I hadn't been on a farm recently.  In fact, I totally visited the shit out of a farm like two days before I left, and here's the proof:

So when that gigantic testicle epidemic starts sweeping Australia you know exactly who to blame:

You're welcome.

So, Melbourne.  Melbourne, Melbourne, Melbourne.  Let's see: well, I arrived in the morning, which meant I had to somehow stay awake the entire day if I was going to have any hope of approximating a normal sleep schedule.  My approach in these situations is to simply wander in concentric circles in a zombie-like state doing errands and getting a feel for the place.  Here's what it looked like in the general vicinity of my hotel:

And here's one of the first things I learned:

Yes, if you lock yourself to a pole in Melbourne, don't just chain your helment.  Instead, be sure to pass the lock through at least one (1) of your body piercings.  Otherwise, they'll just remove your helment and steal you.

I also learned they have fairly well-equipped bike cops:

Not only that, but they were polite.  First of all, they were waiting at a red light, which was crazy enough by itself.  Then, when the light turned green, they actually smiled at me and let me go first (I was on foot) before making their left turn.  This is very different from a typical New York City bike cop, who you will generally find riding on the sidewalk with his helment hanging off the end of his handlebars and telling you to get out of the way.

Oh, also, Melbourne has a bike share system:

But nobody uses it because there are like six stations, they're about 400 miles (or 93,986 kilometers) apart from one another, and you can't just grab a bike whenever you feel like it anyway because of the mandatory helment law.

Well done there.

Another distinguishing characteristic of the Melbourne Central Business District (or "CBD") is the narrow-ass bike lanes, which I guess you can get away with in a place where it doesn't snow:

(Yes, that green thing is a bike lane, or as we call it in America, "the gutter.")

Though they do have an avenue called "Batman:"

Sadly, it's a toll road, because they have to pay a royalty to DC Comics for using the name.

Anywhat, the first errand I had invented for myself was the obtaining and drinking of coffee, and so I wandered into the first coffee place I found:

One side effect of the "wander around in concentric circles doing errands anti-jetlag technique" is that it's expensive.  See, I was way too tired to figure out the money, and as an AMERICAN (the "ERI" is white, not missing) I'm unused to handling coins worth more than 25 cents, and so I ended up putting something like $36 in the tip cup.

Stupid tiny $2 coins.

Next, I needed to get some breakfast, so when I saw these words you can bet I walked right in:

"Gimme the Big Breakfast, goddamn it," I said in English because THANK JESUS CHRIST these people speak English, and goddamn it if they didn't indeed give me a Big Fucking Breakfast:

I ate every bit of the Big Breakfast, then I ate the plate, and then I accidentally left a $68 tip.

After that it was onto the next errand, which was the obtaining of a bicycle cycling helment in order to be in compliance of Australia's draconian bicycle helment laws.  See, I didn't take my own helment because helments are bulky and take up too much room in your luggage.  Also, I didn't want my fancy foam racing helment to get all dinged and damaged in transit.  At first, I thought I could just save money by fashioning a helment from one of the meat components of my Big Breakfast, but after eating the whole thing I realized I'd have to suck it up and go to a bike shop.  So I resumed my concentric circle wanderings until I fell over this sign:

I'm sure someone with a beard will say, "Why did you go to that corporate Fredhole when you could have gone to Cool People Artisanal Cycles in the Fitzhume District" or wherever you're supposed to go if you're part of the Melbourne "bike culture," but that's not how the concentric circles technique works.  Anyway, they were very nice and I bought the cheapest non-"urban cycling" helment they had (by which I mean a helment with actual vents):

You know it's high end when it's "uni-fit" and it has a sticker that says "rear" on it.

So with a belly full of coffee and meat and a headful of uni-fit foam I headed back to the hotel to assemble my travel bike, which I'm pleased to report had survived yet another journey:

Although I don't know if it survived the journey back to New York, since I haven't unpacked it yet.

Here's hoping it has.

And in this fashion I (mostly) stayed awake until evening, at which point I headed to Fitzroy for dinner with my publishers:

Fitzroy (which is techically a "suburb" of Melbourne, though it's obviously not a suburb in the American sense) is like totally the "cool" part of town, and if you've been to the cool part of any major city it looks pretty much like that, but with an above-average amount of Victorian trappings.  In fact, I'd maybe go so far as to call Fitzroy "Little Portland," except that Melbourne's a much more important city than Portland in almost every way so it's probably more accurate to call Portland "Little Fitzroy."

The point is, if you like knuckle tattoos and brunch you'll feel right at home.

By the way, you always know you're in the cool part of town when you encounter "boutique meta-photography:"

(Typical boutique meta-photograph.)

See, in a regular part of town people just take photos of landmarks or whatever, but in the cool part of town people take pictures of people taking pictures of boutiques.

It's also possible that someone took a picture of me taking a picture of her taking a picture of the boutique, in which case it's meta-meta-photography, which would put Fitzroy off the scale in terms of sheer gentrifidouchery.

And if there was any doubt, they also have pennyfarthing bike racks bedazzled with yarn:

And safe alleyways with art in them:

And taco joints:

With alliterative bathrooms:

But I didn't come to Melbourne for the tacos.  I came there for the Melbourne Writers Festival.  Sadly, as a person with little in the way of hardiness or fortitude the long journey had turned me inside out, so if you want to get a sense of my general level of incoherence just watch this interview.

Sorry, Australia.

And across the street from the pub in which we conducted the interview there was a bike shop:

Where you can "custom your fixie TODAY:"

So how do you "custom your fixie?"  Well, with "fixie tyers," of course!

If you're Australian or British it's just misspelled, but if you're American it's meta-misspelled.

And no, I didn't "enquie" about the bike maintenance class.

Okay, so at this point I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, "I want to see a picture of that pig with the giant nuts again!"  Fine.  Here you go:

What you're not thinking is, "How did the Festival events go?"  Well, they went great, apart from the parts where I talked.  Here's the first one, where I was blinded and disoriented by jetlag and stage lights:

Though dazzled by the rest of the panel:

That's host Andy White of Fyxomatosis in the pointy shoes, Bridie O'Donnell, and Tom Doig.

There was also this "Friday Night Live" thing, hosted by Wendy Harmer:

It was supposed to be like a talk show, complete with band, and I was one of the guests.  Here she is talking to the author of a book called "Sex And The Citadel:"

And here are the sorts of people who come to a writers festival on a Friday night to watch a fake talk show:

Note the deeply-involved mobile phone use in the lower right-hand corner.

Still, I had fun, even though Wendy Harmer spent half the interview rubbing my leg.

Then there was the ride:

I'm sure everyone felt shafted for having to pay to ride with me, though I was grateful for the company and the tour around town.  And yes, everyone really does wear helments down there:

While I'm certainly not crazy about helment laws, I will say that Melbourne is probably the most orderly and considerate major city in which I've ridden a bike to date.  Riders even obey these little stop signs for the tram passengers--or at least we did while out on the ride:

In fact, the most egregious behavior I observed during my (admittedly short) visit was this scooter doofus who totally "shoaled" me in the bike box:

But really, what do you expect from scooter trash?

As for recreational bicycle cycling in stretchy clothes, I only managed that once, and when my prospective riding partner fell ill the night before our ride I found myself alone in an unfamiliar city.  I figured it was foolish to be ambitious, so instead I chose the most idiot-proof route possible.  This seemed to be Beach Road, which easily rivals our Route 9W in terms of sheer Fredliness.

Now, I should confess that while I'm highly critical of Strava, I do recognize its utility in terms of providing you with maps of cycling routes.  However, I absolutely refuse to open an account under any circumstances.  Also, while abroad, I did not want to use costly data roaming on my phone.  So instead, what I did in Melbourne was plug "Strava" and "Beach Road Melbourne" into a popular search engine.  This pulled up someone's Strava "bike ride profile," and then I took pictures of the actual computer screen with my phone so I'd have a map for the ride:

I don't know if this is brilliant or pathetic, but I'm pretty sure it's pathetic.

Anyway, Beach Road may not have been the most exciting stretchy clothes ride I've ever done, but it was nearly impossible to get lost and I enjoyed the opportunity to stretch the old gams.  There was the beach (obviously):

And of course wherever there's beach there's houses that look like porn movie sets:

I also got a flat, which I fixed under the watchful eye of Andrew Robb:

And I went as far as the surfboards before turning around and heading back:

But not before taking a short walk of a long pier:

As I surveyed the sea I thought about the fact that the blog I started as a way to fuck off at work had brought me all the way to the other side of the world, where I was still fucking off by twiddling around in Lycra and staring slack-jawed at the sea:

Then I fell in, only to be rescued by a hot mermaid:

Yes, I'm totally earning that "World Traveler" saddle by flying all over the globe and doing "woosie" rides wherever I go:

Speaking of stretchy clothes, it wasn't until almost my last day in the hotel that I noticed it contained all sorts of Tour de France memorabilia:

Including this photo of David Moncoutier eating shit in spectacular fashion:

And then, all too soon, my last day in Melbourne was upon me, and I used it to do laundry--though I didn't wash the clothes I was currently wearing, unlike this guy:

What's that?  You want a more artsy shot of shirtless laundromat guy?  No problem, here you go:

You're welcome.

Then I headed out into the Fitzroy environs to pick up gifts for the family:

It was a beautiful day, though I was kicking myself for missing the Cyndi Lauper show:

It was Sunday, and it was (Australian) Fathers Day.  The brunchers were just emerging:

The Freds were returning:

And the hot rods sparkled in the early spring sun:

If you're wondering what gifts I picked up, I got "fixie tyers" for everyone.

Finally, it was time to pack up the car and head to the airport:

Where they actually had my book for sale:

It's ideal placement, because your eyes go right there when you look away in disgust from Russell Brand.

In all, it was a wonderful trip and a singular opportunity, and I'm extremely grateful to all involved.


Wildcat Rock Machine

PS: No, the toilets don't flush backwards down there.  That's an urban myth.  What actually happens is the water shoots straight up in the air and then back into the toilet again.  It's pretty incredible.

Though it's possible I might have been using the bidet by accident.


Comment deleted said...

Welcome back, Snobby!

RANTWICK said...


Flyover bike commuter said...


Vegas said...

How many is this???

McFly said...

Oh joy pictures!

Jimboner said...

G'day Ass Pony.

leroy said...

Note to self: Bad idea to point to opening picture in today's post and observe to my dog "how you going to keep 'em down on the farm."

He's still mad about that whole fixed gear thing.

McFly said...

I cannot believe you did not catch a Wiggles Show while you were down under. Fruit salad. Yummy. Yummy.

le Correcteur said...

Long! Unread! Top ten! 192 arriusd

Marcel Da Chump said...

Nice photo inspired by shirtless Aussie at the laundromat.

Freddy Murcks said...

Today is my birthday and Snob is back. Oh happy day.

4 isagotu

Anonymous said...

Yeah Cleveland!

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

amongst other things on that plate, you apparently ate cock for breakfast...

...at least it was cooked.

Anonymous said...

So what kind of "blouse" was that woman wearing in the picture of her taking a picture? I think her crack was starting to show!

Anonymous said...

Welcome back. Next time, try Sydney, Adelaide or Brisbane. Melbourne is renowned in Australia as being its least interesting city.

Anonymous said...

Welcome home, Bruce!

CommieCanuck said...

g'day Snobbie, ya afta der fair dinkckum absa chadwalla, streuth..followya into teh dinkleberries fa suppa.

All that shit changed after the mandatory healment laws. Now they just use those words for Captcha.

Anonymous said...

Hold the phone! That Gatorskin in the helment pic appears to be mounted backward. That's gotta be slow as shit.

Welcome back from the antipodes.

Anonymous said...

Oh wait, I get it. Coriolis. Duh.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Welcome back Snob. Same shit here different day.

3G said...

Summers in Rangoon making meat helmets.

Welcome back!

Anonymous said...

Thank Lob you're back, Snob.

Steak and Lowenbrau said...

Damn you lucky bastard that looked like a fun trip

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Here's a nice Aussie song to go with the farm picture.

ken e. said...

'cause everyone else is still 600 photos back!

Anonymous said...

I don't have speakers at work... and if you also don't have speakers at work but want to know how the interview with BS went, I will save you the first 3 minutes by publish the transcript here, as provided by YouTube automatic english closed captions. Very heady stuff:

by sign
said using last week
City this stress
space bath watched
like what
happened runs
chess uptown Astor unsightly explosion what these
no to him
site and about
this flights
to people now use their Oxnard
New York City the blogger predominantly yeah
what started you blogging I
I was always a writer and some
sometime and the and I A
have always been cyclists deeply into cycling
and and the time I started my blog was was when the
the assertive I guess we're still in it this
anywhere you want to call it this urban cycling explosion in all this
cycling kinda weaving itself and the popular culture and becoming trendy and
all the rest all that stuff was starting to happen has become very visible
as old crotchety person I've been in cycling for a long time I had a lotta
stuff running around my head so so
yeah I get the feeling that as well as loving cycling in writing your son like
I yes very yeah critical to
so there there's a lot to be critical it there's love underneath it all of course
but there is out there is a lot of
especailly in the early days ago there is a lot of that account
the it was a lot at fixed gear accessible
so somebody needed just
to negative from listening to address you had a whole other stereotypes
I which in its turn times have you been more
I have a each one of those stereotypes
apply to me to at least six yr this yr X
maybe not the recount better on them
got so much anymore
I think getting old and slow I habits aikman's racer
concert the road racer golden's
I relate to Columbs a ride a bike in New York City so I
city urban cycles Logan sitting here with the
cycle safe but I have to wear the cycling acres my hairs on the surface
and the career
yeah this that's another its it's good for her
yeah I only wear a helmet when I mean
stretchy clothes go ahead and
yes so I almost all of this airtight tyre
liked I mostly the blog really II making fun of myself
and d have
boxes represent the stage is that if that you've gone through as a runner
do I own bikes there yeah I have too many bikes
have too many birds it's time to start fanning I

(that takes you up to 3:04 - now you are on your own).

JB said...

Epic blog post.

McFly said...

Anon 1:31,
That's actually a garment indigenous to the southern states. It's whats known as a Tramp Stamp Viewing Window but that Shiela obviously did not have one so it was all for nothing.

I still viewed.

Vernal Magina said...

blymie, uggy, uggy.

McFly said...

And I thank you for MEAT COMPONENTS.....I will most def be injecting that one into the conservations this shortish week.

babble on said...

Snobbykins! Welcome home! It's good to have you back.
xo xo :)

jayteepee said...

Holy shit! Not only do all the cyclists salmon down there, it looks like a lot of the cars do too!

PBateman said...

dang snobber, you did look tired in that interview.

or full of "southern hemisphere cigarettes"

does weed wednesday still work down there since it would technically be thursday?

Buffalo Bill said...

So, who killed qantas?
I hear they never crash.

Newt said...

Sounds like you had a good trip. But, you really didn't eat all that meat served at breakfast, did you?!

Anonymous said...

Where do we pick up the tyres that you brought us?

Oh, CJ misbehaved while you were gone.
Just sayin'

Dooth said...

Wildcat I agree with DaddoOne, you ordered the cock plate special, didn't cha know?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

you've been fuckin with us this whole time... you actually know how to take artsy photos...

but why did you have to pick naked laundromat guy? why not the meta-photographer, matey?

RoadQueen said...

Wow. I still can't get over those pigs testicles.

Oh, and glad you're back, snob. Sounds like your trip was pretty epic.

Dave said...

There's a curious sterility to the photos... no dirt, no trash, no traffic, no insane leg-amputating cab drivers. Could it all be CGI? Did you check the inhabitants for the socket on the back of the head? Any sensation of 'lost time'? OR WAS IT ALL JUST A DREAM YOU HAD WHILE LYING UNCONSCIOUS IN PIG SHIT??

JB said...

You didn't show us a pic of your helmet, but my superior sleuthing skills and international contacts have revealed that it was either white or silver.

So, what did you do with the new helment before you left? Ebay auction for charity?

Anonymous said...


elke bruksaert said...

Wu Tang Brand - 20th Anniversary Ltd. Edition Bike

Wu-Tang, widely considered to be among the greatest hip-hop groups of all time, is collaborating with Tempe-based bicycle company State Bicycle Co. to release a line of custom-outfitted fixed gear and single speed road bikes to commemorate the Wu’s 20th year of bringing the ruckus and shaping urban street culture.

Anonymous said...

Wait. You rode on an airplane traveling in excess of 600 mph and were not wearing your helment?!

mikeweb said...

I think there may be a disturbing link between the boar nuts shot and the picture of the 'big breakfast'.


JB said...

Before the very important Wu-Tang bike photo shoot, could they have bothered to polish up the bikecycle?

Fred Clydesdale said...

bidet! it's funny because it's for your bum!

Comment deleted said...

It was a long break. So long, in fact, that I'm claiming podium for BSNYC 2.0*.

*(slogan: "Even more like it was before!")

db said...

Cadel Evans has a scooter?

balls™ said...

Holy crap! Those balls make me wonder if I should change my name. F*ing pigs!

Anonymous said...

Nice hat. Just kidding, it's an awful hat. welcome back.

McFly said...

How many times can you pee in your water bottle before it fills up? Your like a cross between Sheldon Brown and Howard Hughes. Minus the money. And the genius.

SeeJay said...

So then I was floating downstream in Sir Lanka and wearing my Krisztian Lovassy T-shirt you know the one were he looks Che Guerrilla and I had like 3 shirts so I wore it 1/3 of the time, what luck that run in to this Budapestian schoolgirl again and she's like all "hey" and "shirt" I'm all like "white crocs" and "dirty" and I don't say anything about that Tamil transvestite I just got all biblical with and so we ate her cheap soup and then got damp but her ass was kinda crooked and her boobs were just wrong and she finally got the rhythm right after I counted out the time with the drum sticks before we started and then imagined not living with her...

JB said...

SeeJay: [golf clap]

Legitimate Golf said...

That's what a travel bike looks like nowadays? I am so out of it. I need to get me one of those, and then travel somewhere.

Anonymous said...

Wow! Dazzling post today WCRM -made me laugh uncontrollably multiple times. Thanks for that!

dentsBag 255.. a flashback to the glorious hog balls coda.

Anonymous said...

I've ten questions for you, Snobby;

1) How much did it cost to take your bike on the plane?

2) Did you have to take a little skinny spanner for the pedals?

3) Did you wear underwear in Melbourne?

3.5) If you did wear underwear in Melbourne, could you describe it?

4) Did riding on the left hand side of the road confuse the shit out you?

5) What you really meant to say is that Wendy Harmer kept fondling your goolies and you loved, isn't it?

6) Do you realise that if Andrew Robb's party wins the election you'd be arrested for "Loitering With Intent" for daring to fix a flat in front of those porn palaces?

7) Did you patch the tube or install a fresh one?

8) Were you aware Boris Johnston preceded you at the MWF and that he rode one of those silly hire bikes without a helment, but because he's a politician he called in favours and escaped punishment?

8.5) Why didn't you have the guts to ride helmentless?

9) Didn't you find it odd that there was a surf shop at a beach with no friggin surf!?

9.5) Weren't you therefore further disturbed to realise that it was such an unhinged city that invited you to their wankfest?

10) Did you take your Melb. purchased helmet back to NY and if so, what are you gonna with it?

!0.5) Might you consider re-purposing it into an artisnal hanging flower basket growing gladioli?

John Diogenous said...

This was an amazing post! I love the pictures! and welcome back!

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

When did the world go completely mad, anyway? Murderous mobs of angry Buddhists? How can this be?

And I'm sorry, but your president is a puppet, and I don't like the people pulling his strings.

Just sayin.

Dylan Nicholson said...

Think I might have been in one of the photos *blush*.
But wow..."Melbourne is probably the most orderly and considerate major city in which I've ridden a bike to date" - that's a pretty incredible statement for someone that's spent time in Amsterdam...

Colleen Welch said...

Must be an inside story for the unusual spelling of "helmet".

ouabacher said...

Seem to be short on comments today, so I'm helping!

ouabacher said...

Is everyone still staring, mouth agape, at all the pretty pictures? S'that it?

Not a robot said...

If your fancy racing helmet is too fragile for air travel then what use is it against a road train or a ute full of hoons?

Friendo said...


Anonymous said...

If only there was a way to eat that Stralian brekky without the eventual cardiac death...
If only there was a way


Yarpo said...

Welcome Back, Snob!

That Big Breakfast picture scares me. Can you describe what those meatular-things are, other than the sausage?

Aussie Butt Crack Woman. I like her.

Pig Testicle Picture Shown Twice. Just lovely.

Freddy Murcks, Happy B-Day and Mojitos to You!

JB said...

Babble, if you were President of these United States, what would you do? Do you have an obligation to people getting systematically killed in another country?

These are serious questions, btw. I don't know the answer either.

Anonymous said...

Thank freakin LOB - I haven't laughed that hard in too long.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 5:54pm,

1) How much did it cost to take your bike on the plane?

Nothing! Haven't paid yet with the coupler system.

2) Did you have to take a little skinny spanner for the pedals?

The little coupler wrench has one built in. It fits in a saddlebag.

3) Did you wear underwear in Melbourne?


3.5) If you did wear underwear in Melbourne, could you describe it?


4) Did riding on the left hand side of the road confuse the shit out you?

No, but it's easy to look the wrong way when you're making a u-turn.

5) What you really meant to say is that Wendy Harmer kept fondling your goolies and you loved, isn't it?

Let's just say she could describe my underwear.

6) Do you realise that if Andrew Robb's party wins the election you'd be arrested for "Loitering With Intent" for daring to fix a flat in front of those porn palaces?

No, I am American and thus uninformed.

7) Did you patch the tube or install a fresh one?

Patch. I always patch when I'm not in a rush.

8) Were you aware Boris Johnston preceded you at the MWF and that he rode one of those silly hire bikes without a helment, but because he's a politician he called in favours and escaped punishment?


8.5) Why didn't you have the guts to ride helmentless?

I was only there for like five days and wanted to spend as little time as possible interacting with police.

9) Didn't you find it odd that there was a surf shop at a beach with no friggin surf!?

Not at the time, but now that you mention it, yes!

9.5) Weren't you therefore further disturbed to realise that it was such an unhinged city that invited you to their wankfest?

Still puzzling over that for sure.

10) Did you take your Melb. purchased helmet back to NY and if so, what are you gonna with it?

Yes. I'm going to re-purpose it into an artisnal hanging flower basket growing gladioli.

10.5) Might you consider re-purposing it into an artisnal hanging flower basket growing gladioli?

Holy shit, how did you know that?!?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

BamaPhred said...

I'm glad the Snob is back!
I wish I had a Big Breakfast.
The menu could be worse ala My Cousin Vinny
With a side of lard.
Tramp Stamp Veiwing Window. Oztraila got no monopoly on those.
And I don't have the answer to the serious question either. i have observed that wherever we go, what we leave behind is a heap of rubble and both sides hating us. Last thing I'm gonna say bout that.
Rave On.

Sheree said...

You're right, we did feel shafted on your tour of Melbourne. Well, at least me and my partner did.

What a waste of time and money. All you needed to do was pull out your book, read a passage and then elaborate on said passage. I felt that you were totally un-prepared for the presentation aspect of the tour. Did they not tell you we were paying $40 to do that ride?

Shit happens, hopefully your next ride will be better.

Mario's Albino Tadpole said...


Welcome home.. As I live in Japan, I sort of faced to the east and saluted your airplane as it flew north across the big blue.. Speaking of Japan... why not come here and make fun of all the Japanese and their bike culture, or lack thereof... Actually, many many bikes over here, but they aren't all over themselves about it.. Throw leg over bike, pedal to store, pedal home and park bike.. no big deal, no drama, almost no hipsters.

If you come to Japan I'll personally organize a ride...charge the rich Japanese 80 bucks for the privilege and then we split, 80/20% (your 80% of course because you are a bike deity of sorts.

Those pig balls make me want to go practice my speedbag...

Anonymous said...

"Sheree said...
You're right, we did feel shafted on your tour of Melbourne. Well, at least me and my partner did."

Partner? What, are you gay? Maybe that's why you felt shafted?

Ba da dam..

Anonymous said...

I am headed to Melbourne in a few weeks so I will look for your glasses then snobby.

Oh Sheree, there is one born every minute babe, don't come to New York since I don't want to read another sob story about how you got taken by the guy on the corner selling the fake Rolexes.

Jed said...

Happy to see you made it back safely. I have many rituals, and your absence created quite an imbalace in my little world. I almost started to take an interest in learning more about the trouble in Syria. Thank you for helping me dodge that bullet. All is well again.

vestigalgenitals said...


Anonymous said...

Snobby at
September 3, 2013 at 8:57 PM

"4) Did riding on the left hand side of the road confuse the shit out you?

No, but it's easy to look the wrong way when you're making a u-turn."

Hang on. If normally you ride on the right hand side of the road the "right" way to look when chucking a u-turn is to your left. So, if you're transposed into a situation where you're riding on the left hand side of the road the "wrong" way to look (from your perspective) is to the right. So when you write; "it's easy to look the wrong way", what you're saying it's easy to look the right way!

Such brilliant use of the language!

No wonder they invited you to the MWF.

Jed said...

BTW, Sheree needs to loosen the buckles on her Birkenstocks.

Square Tapir said...

Continuing the phallic themes, anyone else see a huge erection on the man on the Trippy Taco toilet sign? Or is that just a projection of my gigantic Fred-ridicule boner now that the Snob has been repatriated?

JDH said...

Dear babble, all presidents are puppets. If voting for them really mattered, it wouldn't be allowed.You're so right about the people pulling the strings. Just look at Obama's actions as of late. Reminds one of his predecessor, no?

leroy said...

Sheree --

I know just how you feel.

My dog borrowed $20 and promised he'd elaborate on how his life is his art.

I still have no idea why he drinks out of the toilet.

And I'm pretty sure I'm not going to see my $20 again.

But my dog assures me I've been taken for a ride.

BikeSnobNYC said...


I suppose I was ill-prepared in that I had no idea what Melbourne was like until I actually got there a couple days prior, so there was only so much "relevant commentary" I could prepare beforehand. Instead, perhaps mistakenly, I thought it could be more informal and that a ride around town would be more conducive to something conversational. I also never read from my books because that seems stilted and awkward, but maybe I'm mistaken though and people would prefer that (god knows why).

I was aware there was a charge for the ride. I'd happily traipse around the globe riding with people for free but this was a Writers Festival and, wisely and unlike me, they have an actual business model to assure their survival.

In any case, if you're feeling truly sick over the $40 x 2 and it is causing you undue financial hardship I'm happy to make you and your partner whole again somehow.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

See Melbourne has got it right. Fine the fuck out of bicyclists and that'll keep them in line - passing a stopped tram - $361, ride through a red light - $361, ride outside the green gutter (bike lane) - $144. And the police have regular "safety" operations where they give out 1000s of fines.

And if the fuckers still ride their bikes then fine the fuck out of them if they don't wear a helment. What's not to like? Bloody BV are a bunch of toss pots.

Sheree said...

Wild Cat RM,

I came into the ride looking for more of a presentation of yourself and your musings rather then a conversation about bikes in general.

Didn't mean to beat you up over it, but personally, it wasn't what I was looking for.


Anonymous said...


Stop sucking up to Sheree... Your giving New Yorkers a bad name.. Suggest you take a page from the book of Wiggo and just call her a cunt and if she wants her 40 AUD back she can come to NYC and wax your bikes...or your manparts...

Jeez.. what a wussy suckup you are becoming...

Mario's Albino Tadpole said...

Square Tapir

Your absolutely right.. I'll be damned if that isn't one erect Mexican boner there. Probably standing up tall as it's searching for a Taco in which to insert itself..


Anonymous said...

Hi bikesnob, thank you very much for taking note of our Melbourne branch! Hopefully we will learn how to spell and use grammar correctly in the near future. We hope if you return to Australia, to Melbourne, and specifically to our store, that we have our spelling sorted out. If the spelling is not sorted out...let me know, and I'll take you out to dinner, on me (mark@cellbikes.com.au). Thanks mate. Mark McTamany, CELL Bikes Website Manager.

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ce said...

The photograph of Shirtless Laundromat Guy is a beautiful thing. A special memento from a faraway land.

Anonymous said...

Nice work Sheree. Way to kick him in the nutz then when he tries to explain you come back and gently stomp them a little bit. Classy.

Matty T said...

Thanks for the ride Snobby. The helment was silver and looked dorktacular.

you're taller than I thought you would be.

Matty T said...

Unlike Sheree, I didn't do the ride for MWF wankery reasons. I did it precisely because it wasn't MWF wankery.

Snobby, if you feel like making Sheree whole, remember to deduct the price of the coffee and danish from the tickets.

Sheree should just build a bridge and get over it. Andy White charges more than $40 for the roobaix and you don't even get a coffee at the end of that.

Steak and Lowenbrau said...

My Sheree Amour

FDB said...

Vikas is right - this blog are impressive to each other.

I attended the only public event not mentioned in this otherwise comprehensive account of Snob's Ozzie AdventureTM. I'd rather have been at the breakfast, provided that boring cunt Alan Davies was breaking his fast at a safe remove.

FDB - 3 healment fines in 6 months, now cowed into submission.

Blog Drafter said...

Wow, I bet that pig has some serious issues!

RoadQueen said...

Those look like Bacon Flavored Mountain Oysters, to me.

CommieCanuck said...

oh fuck. Thanks snob. Due to that picture of Testy the Well Endowed Pig, I could no longer eat grapefruit for breakfast. You ruined my life.

wishiwasmerckx said...


McFly said...

Nutsackz caked with mud. Which reminds me. It's cyclocross season. Time to slap the Kenda Kwicks back on the Raleigh. I gots to find a smaller front chainring situation. 39T is not cutting it. May pull the triple off the boys Fuji and leave the 52 off. These are decisions I face daily.

Thise pig balls were about the perfect size for a nice set of tits.

Helen said...

Oh Snob, you've come so far! And that video was the first time I'v seen you all talky and move-y and not even blurry!

Flyboy said...

Those "stupid little $2 coins" are a hidden tax for visiting American tourists who lie on their immigration form about the number of swine bollocks they have fondled in the last week or so.
Not as hick as we first appear....

Anonymous said...

Hahaa! glad i found this! made for a lovely read! :D

John Diogenous said...

Haha the bookshelf pic is hilarious! Glad they had the book!

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Yasmeen said...

Hey there, Yasmeen here from MWF. Fantastic post here - the laundromat guy is gold as is the Fitzroy/Portland comparison. Glad you had a memorable time and hope to see you back on this side of the world soon.

Yasmeen said...

Hey there, Yasmeen here from MWF. Fantastic post here - the laundromat guy is gold as is the Fitzroy/Portland comparison. Glad you had a memorable time and hope to see you back on this side of the world soon.

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